Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

March 21, 2016 · 1:45 pm

Untied Shoelaces

I live in San Francisco and I don’t have a car. Needless to say, I’m pretty good at walking. I walk a lot. I walk quickly and efficiently, like any good city dweller. You can stroll in the suburbs, but you have to walk at a brisk pace if you want to survive the city. The only thing that slows me down are elderly pedestrians that won’t get out of my way and occasionally untied shoelaces. I can’t do anything about old people, but I know how to deal with untied shoelaces. I simply tie them back up. Problem temporarily solved. I might even double knot them for added security. Untied shoelaces are dangerous. That’s why they invented Velcro and slip on shoes. Safety is always important, fashion can take a backseat.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as double knot, lace, shoe, shoelace, untied, untied shoelaces

March 13, 2016 · 1:52 pm

Adventure Day Backpack

I have an adventure day backpack. It’s the backpack that I always take to the beach or park. I’ll also bring it when I go hiking or camping or on a random day trip. I keep a few essentials in the bag at all times. There’s a lighter and a bottle opener so I’m always ready to party. There’s a bottle of hand sanitizer because it’s a nice gesture to clean your hands after you piss in public. I have a tube of Carmex lip balm to protect my lips. I have big lips, I need to protect them. There’s a multi-tool that my sister gave me with a knife, screwdriver, saw, can opener. There’s a stash of Band-Aids because shit happens. That’s just the pockets.

Open it up, and there are two baseball gloves and a ball, so I can have a catch wherever and whenever. There’s a Nerf football and a Frisbee if I want to play catch with something else. There’s a cribbage board so I can play cribbage if I want to play cribbage. There’s a deck of cards because you can’t play cribbage without a deck of cards. There’s also an UNO deck so I can play UNO and you can’t play UNO with regular cards. Crazy Eights just isn’t the same. There’s a beach towel so I can sit down at the beach. It also works just as well at the park. There used to be Bluetooth speakers too, but they broke. My birthday is coming up. I could use some speakers. Just saying.

I’m quite fond of my adventure day backpack. We’ve had a lot of good times together. I hope we have a lot more. Everyone should have a designated adventure day backpack. Everyone should go on adventures. Live life. That’s what I say, that’s what I do. Having an adventure day backpack makes it easier.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

dakine-campus-lg-backpack-reverse

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as adventure day, backpack, baseball, beach, beach towel, bottle opener, camping, cards, cribbabe, frisbee, hand sanitizer, hiking, lighter, lip balm, nerf football, park, prepared

March 9, 2016 · 1:40 pm

The Shopkeeper

There is a corner store a block from my house that has just about anything you can think of. They claim that if they don’t have it, you don’t need it. It’s pretty much true, so I go there almost every single day. I realized that the shopkeeper probably knows me better than anyone. He knows all my secrets because he knows what I buy. That’s a pretty dangerous power. He knows what kind of beer that I like. He knows what kind of food I like. He knows if my house is dirty. He knows if I have an ant invasion or a mouse in the house. He knows if I’m hanging out with friends that night or staying at home alone. And yet he never judges me (at least not to my face) so I will continue to shop there until I die or his store closes, whichever comes first. It’s important to be nice and polite to everyone, but especially towards your shopkeeper. You don’t want to piss him off. He has more dirt on you than you think.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

26n21shopkeeper-472494

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as cashier, secrets, shopkeeper, spending habits, store

March 8, 2016 · 5:24 pm

Spider in Your Shoe

I went to the park a few days ago. The weather was kind of shitty so I decided to wear a pair of old shoes from the bottom of my closet instead of my everyday kicks. It had been a while since I had worn them last, so I gave them a good shake before I put them on. It’s a good thing I did that, because a dead spider fell out when I shook them. It freaked the hell out of me. I’m not really scared of spiders but finding a spider in my shoe has always been a minor fear of mine. I’m so glad that it was a dead spider and not a live one. Fuck that. I’m actually kind of surprised that finding spiders in shoes doesn’t happen more often. Spiders like dark remote places and a shoe seems like it would be a nice comfortable cave to inhabit. I mean I would live in a shoe if I was a spider. Spinning a web takes a long time and seems like hard work. I’d rather take up space in a forgotten sneaker. But I’m not a spider in a shoe. I’m a person, a person who doesn’t want spiders in my shoes. And I hope that you never find a spider in your shoe too because I like you. You read my blog. And not many people do, so thank you for that. You definitely deserve spider-free shoes.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Unknown

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as shoe, spider, spider in your shoe

March 6, 2016 · 5:18 pm

When a Dog Licks Its Ass and then Kisses Your Face

My girlfriend has a cute little dog with a big nasty habit. He likes to lick his butthole and then he tries to lick your face. I learned fairly quickly to rebuff his advances. I’ve often wondered why dogs are so eager to go down on themselves. They will lick and slobber all over their genitalia and poop chutes like the world is ending. Then they try desperately to make out with you. They know that it’s disgusting. They are just trying to prove to you that they are really in charge. They are in control. They have the power. That’s why they lick your face with a contaminated tongue. Nobody likes it when a dog licks its ass and then kisses your face. At least I hope that’s the case. I’m sure some people are into that sort of thing. If you fall into that category, please stay away from me and any dogs that I am affiliated with. And stay five hundred yards away from any pet store.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

dog_licking_self

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as ass, butt, dog, kiss, kisses, lick, licks, poo, tongue

March 4, 2016 · 6:33 pm

Ripped Off by a Vending Machine

I was eating some buffalo wings in the break room at work. They were really spicy and I was started to sweat a little bit. I was too lazy to walk all the way back to the kitchen to get a glass of water, so I plopped four quarters into the vending machine for a can of Coke. I put in the money, entered the two digit code for the Coke, and eagerly awaited for it to fall down into the retrieval slot. The Coke never came. The machine ate my money. Needless to say, I was devastated. My world came crashing down all around me. I hate when I get ripped off by a vending machine. It makes me feel dirty and used. And it’s an inanimate object so it doesn’t fear my wrath. I was tempted to put in another dollar to see if I got two Cokes, but I was too worried about getting shafted again. It’s better to waste one dollar and not get a Coke than to waste two dollars and still not get any Cokes. I don’t trust vending machines anymore. My faith in them has been shattered.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

0040617419099_A

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as money, ripped off by a vending machine, steal, vending machine

March 3, 2016 · 8:29 pm

Cheap Sunglasses

I got a black eye a few months ago. I covered it up with a pair of cheap sunglasses when I had to work. My black eye eventually went away, but the cheap sunglasses became part of my work wardrobe. They are my trademark now. My coworkers took notice and they started bringing me pairs of cheap sunglasses from various companies. They were all free glasses given away by various businesses to promote themselves. I have specs from Svedka, Smirnoff, Corona, Lagunitas, Jack Daniels, and Lyft to name a few. It was a collection that was never wanted but suddenly accumulated. It’s too late to turn back now. It’s weird because I don’t normally wear sunglasses outside of work. I’ll only rock a pair if I’m going to the beach or park for the day. I don’t wear them in my normal street attire. But they are on my face when I clock in and come off when I clock out. Everyone should have a pair of cheap sunglasses. Just make sure that they have UV protection. Any pair of sunglasses is completely worthless if they don’t block the sun. And never pay for a pair of designer sunglasses when you can raid the lost & found.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

black-cheap-sunglasses

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as cheap sunglasses, free, glasses, specs, sun, sunglasses, UV protection

February 25, 2016 · 12:21 pm

Skipping Rocks

I found a rock the other day. It was lying on the ground next to some other rocks, but this rock stood out. It was gray, palm-sized, thin, and smooth. I picked it up and felt the weight of it in my palm. I wrapped my fingers around it. I appreciated the natural beauty of it. I felt compelled to skip it. If only I had a pond. Too bad. I had to put it back on the ground and pretended to be normal again. Skipping rocks is fun. It’s a great source of entertainment when you’re by a river, lake, or pond. You scour the ground for a good rock, and you briefly show it off when you find a good one. Then you whip your arm back and sling it across the surface of the water and count how many skips you get. You can get more than ten if you’re good. You’ll only get one if you suck. I’m not that good at skipping rocks. I think six is my record. Some people are really good at skipping rocks. It’s not an impressive talent, but it’s still a talent. There’s no money or glory in it, only a false sense of pride.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

skipping-rocks

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as jump, lake, pond, river, rock, skip, skipping rocks, stone, surface, water

February 21, 2016 · 2:40 pm

Camping Chair

I like to go camping. I also enjoy sitting. So when I go camping, I like to bring a camping chair so that I have something to sit on around the campsite. A camping chair is a chair that is foldable/collapsible so you can take it almost anywhere. They are lightweight yet sturdy and comfortable. Camping chairs used to be pretty basic, but manufacturers have been cranking out some cool chairs. Camping chair technology has gotten insane these days. They aren’t your grandpa’s camping chairs. There are a lot of different designs and styles. Some of them have cup holders or little side tables built in. Some have footrests for added comfort. I had one that was also a rocking chair. Some of them can recline. Some can hold two or more people. I’ve seen ones with awnings overhead. There are even camping chairs with Bluetooth speakers so you can blast your music and give the middle finger to the majestic sounds of nature. If you like camping and sitting, I suggest getting a camping chair. I’m sure there’s a perfect one that seems like it was made just for you. You only have to find it. Good luck.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

236509_ts

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as camp, camping, camping chair, chair, sit, sitting

February 19, 2016 · 6:49 pm

Manager Goose Chase

I’m a bit of a prankster at work sometimes. One of my favorite tricks to play on people is to send them on a manager goose chase. It’s a wild-goose chase for a manager that they will never find. It’s a simple gag. First off, get the managers in on it. They like to stave off boredom just as much as you do. Then you tell an unsuspecting coworker that a manager is looking for him. He goes to the manager to see what he wants. The manager says that he wasn’t looking for him, it was another manager. He goes and tracks down the other manager to see what he wants. That manager directs him to a different manager. He goes to find that manager to see what he wants. That manager sends him to a different manager. It can go on for a while depending how many supervisors and managers are on the clock. The best way to end the gag is to have the last manager send him back to the original manager. If the coworker hasn’t figured it out by then, he deserves to repeat the process. It’s a good prank. Nobody gets hurt, no property gets damaged, and it’s not good enough to post on YouTube so you won’t be ruining any lives. The manager goose chase. Try it the next time Monday is bringing you down.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as joke, manager goose chase, prank, search, wild-goose chase, work

February 14, 2016 · 1:50 pm

Panic Attack

A couple of Saturdays ago I was getting a well-deserved drink after a stressful shift. The Golden State Warriors game was on and I was chilling with my coworker, just shooting the shit and being grateful we were no longer at work. We went outside to smoke a bowl (it’s San Francisco, that’s what we do), and we came back inside and sat down. I was in the middle of telling a story when I started feeling short of breath, like my lungs weren’t being inflated enough. I started to get dizzy and lightheaded. My chest constricted, my heart started hurting. My palms got sweaty and tingly. I felt like I was about to die. I told my friend my symptoms and he assured me that I wasn’t flushed or dripping sweat, that I looked normal. He got me some ice water. He calmed me down. I started to realize that death wasn’t imminent and gradually returned to reality. It was my first panic attack. It was terrifying. I’ve always heard other people talk about them but I never knew how it felt. I didn’t know what was going on and the fear just consumed me. But I dealt with it and now I know I can handle them. I don’t recommend them. I hope you never experience one. But if you do, take it one breath at a time and try to focus on something other than dying. Not great advice, but helpful enough. Remember it.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

how-stop-panic-attacks-step-step

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as dizzy, lightheaded, panic attack, symptoms

February 11, 2016 · 11:45 pm

Bedtime

Bedtime is that magical time when you go to bed. It’s a designated time set by your parents when you are growing up, but you start to control your own bedtime as you get older. You brush your teeth, you change into your pajamas or strip down to your undies, and jump into bed. When you’re a kid your bedtime gets gradually gets later and later. You’ll have to go to bed at 8:00 pm, then 8:30, then 9:00, and so on. Soon you’re in high school and you can stay out until midnight on Saturday night if you’re lucky. Then you get to college and you can stay up as late as you want (and sometimes you do) but you mostly end up crashing by 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning so you can make it to class. Your bedtime is any time that you feel tired when you are in your twenties. You are immortal for a few years, immune to hangovers and sleep deprivation. And then something happens (LIFE) and you have to start enforcing an earlier bedtime on yourself so that you can function adequately in the morning. As you get older, your bedtime gets later. Then you get too old, and your bedtime gets earlier. It’s not a bad thing. It’s simply inevitable. You might as well embrace it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

unnamed

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as bed, bedtime, sleep, tired

February 10, 2016 · 3:40 pm

Toilet Brush

A toilet brush is a device that you use to scrub dirty toilets. It gets rid of shit stains and that nasty ring of filth that accumulates around the water line. Everyone poops but you don’t want to see the physical evidence of it. That’s why you flush the toilet (well, that and for hygiene). I poop twice a day on average, once in the morning and again when I come home from work or wherever. If it’s a particularly nasty shit, I feel compelled to break out the toilet brush and clean up a little bit. I’m not trying to impress anyone, I’m trying to keep others from being disgusted. I’m considerate like that I guess. I’m writing about toilet brushes because I bought a new one today. Pretty exciting, I know. It only cost two bucks at the store. I think that’s a good price, but I don’t really know the average retail price for toilet brushes. I was willing to pay five bucks for one. Two bucks was a steal. I think I’ll give out toilet brushes as stocking stuffers for Christmas this year. They are a cheap yet practical gift. I’ve thought about this too much. I’m going to go drink beer now.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

ToiletBowlBrush_2.jpg97416d91-3454-4351-ac90-26f608797749Original

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as clean, poo, poop, scrub, shit, stain, toilet, toilet brush

February 1, 2016 · 8:57 pm

Door Code

My roommates and I have an unwritten door policy. We leave our bedroom doors wide open if we are feeling social. That means we are welcome to walk right on in and have a party. We have them closed halfway or slightly ajar if we want a little bit of privacy. That means we knock once or twice to announce our presence before entering the room. If our doors are opened just a crack, that means you knock, call their name, and wait for approval before any further action. If there’s no response, there’s no entry. When the door is fully shut, it means do not disturb. Don’t knock, don’t come in, it is closed for a reason. We have nothing to hide until we do. The door code is key and crucial to avoiding conflicts with the roommates. An open door is an open invitation. A closed door means fuck off. It’s not that hard. I suggest you implement the door code in your household today. By the way, my roommate gave me the idea for this blog post. My door was closed at the time. Just text me next time, bro.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Open-Door

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as ajar, closed, door, door code, door policy, knock, open, unwritten

January 29, 2016 · 6:30 pm

Off on Sundays

I work at a restaurant. I don’t work on Sundays. That’s rare. I’ll repeat that. I’m off on Sundays. Like that’s not supposed to happen. Set schedules aren’t common in the industry. Days off and clock in times fluctuate. Sometimes we work doubles. Sometimes it’s slow and people get cut early. Sometimes it’s busy and everyone works overtime. We always have to check the schedule to know when we are working. So having Sundays off is a miracle. I always know that I have a day to sleep in. It gives me a chance to catch up on laundry. I can make plans for brunch. I don’t have to worry about missing the Super Bowl. It also gives me the option of picking up a shift on a Sunday. That’s always a mistake. It reminds me why I requested Sundays off to begin with. Being off on Sunday is glorious. Normal people have Sundays off. It almost makes me feel normal too. Almost.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

2013-02-15-marty6

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as off on sundays, schedule, sunday, sundays, weekends, work

January 27, 2016 · 4:24 pm

Lounging Under a Tree

Call me a hippie, but I like nature. I like being outside. One of my favorite things to do on days off is hanging out in Golden Gate Park with a couple of friends and a couple of brews. We will post up under a tree, throw a blanket on the ground, put on some music, and hang out until we feel like moving on. I’ll lie on my back and watch the sunlight filter through the leaves and the clouds move across the sky. I’ll track leaves as they fall from the branch and gently float towards the grass. I’ll sit up every once in a while to sip my beer without it dribbling down my chin. I’m not opposed to puffing the green stuff either. It makes lounging under a tree even more chill. You’re missing out if you’ve never hung out under a tree. It’s one of the easiest things to cross off your bucket list. All you have to is find a tree and hang out under it. If you can’t find satisfaction in that, you’re not a person I want to know.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as branch, golden gate park, leaves, lounging under a tree, nature, park, relax, tree

January 25, 2016 · 1:25 pm

Secret Talent

It’s funny how you can know a person for years and think you know everything about them. And then one day they reveal a secret talent that you never knew they had. It’s kind of like finding out that you were friends with a superhero the whole time. A lot of people have a talent or skill that they don’t really talk about. Maybe they are modest, maybe they are a little embarrassed about it, maybe they chose a career instead of chasing a dream, but I feel like most people have a secret talent. I have one friend who doesn’t have a car, but he can take an engine apart and put it back together again. I had no idea he was such an accomplished mechanic. Every now and then I discover that a friend is good at drawing, or painting, or writing poetry, or photography, or has a knack for playing an instrument. It always boggles my mind. If you have talent, you should flaunt it. It shouldn’t be a secret. You should be proud of what you can do. Just don’t be an asshole about it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Talent-Show-Graphic

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment, Random Rants

Tagged as secret, secret talent, skill, talent