Monthly Archives: February 2016

February 28, 2016 · 2:12 pm

UNO (game, not the numero)

UNO is a card game similar to Crazy Eights, but you use a specially printed deck of UNO cards instead of using a regular deck of cards, because the creators wouldn’t make money if you played UNO with a regular deck of cards instead of their unique cards. UNO is pretty easy to learn. Everyone gets dealt seven cards and you try to be the first one to get rid of them all. There are a bunch of rules that some people follow and some people ignore, but one thing everyone can agree on is that you have to say “UNO” when you play your second-to-last card so that everyone else knows that you have one card left. I think that’s why they call it UNO but I’m not really sure.

I was inspired to write this post after playing UNO with a couple of friends. One of them had never played before, but we explained him the rules and he was kicking our ass a few games in. He won three or four games in a row. We chalked it up to beginner’s luck. A week later he drunkenly confessed that he cheated. It was completely out of the blue, like he was proud of cheating and wanted us to know. Don’t be that guy. Don’t be the guy who cheats at UNO. Especially not during a friendly game when there are no stakes. That’s not how you make friends. That’s how you lose them.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 25, 2016 · 12:21 pm

Skipping Rocks

I found a rock the other day. It was lying on the ground next to some other rocks, but this rock stood out. It was gray, palm-sized, thin, and smooth. I picked it up and felt the weight of it in my palm. I wrapped my fingers around it. I appreciated the natural beauty of it. I felt compelled to skip it. If only I had a pond. Too bad. I had to put it back on the ground and pretended to be normal again. Skipping rocks is fun. It’s a great source of entertainment when you’re by a river, lake, or pond. You scour the ground for a good rock, and you briefly show it off when you find a good one. Then you whip your arm back and sling it across the surface of the water and count how many skips you get. You can get more than ten if you’re good. You’ll only get one if you suck. I’m not that good at skipping rocks. I think six is my record. Some people are really good at skipping rocks. It’s not an impressive talent, but it’s still a talent. There’s no money or glory in it, only a false sense of pride.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 24, 2016 · 1:56 pm

Deadpool (film)

I finally got around to seeing Deadpool a few days ago. Now I’m part of the Cool Kids Club again. Let’s start with some backstory before we start talking about the movie. Deadpool was originally created as a blatant rip-off of DC’s Deathstroke. Marvel has never tried to hide this fact, they talk about it openly. They have similar names, costumes, and both are mercenaries. They have different powers and skillsets, but the biggest difference between the two of them is that Deadpool knows that he’s a character in a comic book. He breaks the fourth wall and talks directly to the reader. He knows that he’s not real. It’s all very meta.

My biggest fear about the movie is that it wouldn’t be able to capture the tone of the comics. I felt a great sense of relief as soon as the opening credits started to roll. Ryan Reynolds, director Tim Miller, and writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick were able to bring the Deadpool to life the right way. They made the film as funny, violent, and raunchy as they could. They took a huge gamble by making it Rated R as opposed to PG-13. The gamble paid off. It’s already the highest grossing R-rated film of all time and it’s been out for less than two weeks. What’s more impressive is that it’s also the highest grossing X-Men movie.

The plot of the movie is pretty generic. It’s an origin story about how a regular guy became a superhero and then the bad guy kidnaps his girlfriend and he has to use his powers to get her back. The story structure is a little more advanced. They start in the middle of the action and then they tell the backstory through flashbacks. It’s as much of a comedy as it is a superhero action flick. The humor was witty and fresh and I was laughing hysterically every couple of minutes. There were also a few touching moments that I wasn’t expecting. It made a surreal character seem real, relatable, and likeable.

As strange as it sounds, I think Deadpool is a great date movie. There’s enough violence for the men, there’s enough romance for the ladies, and it’s funny enough to keep everyone entertained. It’s a solid flick all around. That’s hard to do these days. So go and see it if you were on the fence about it. It’s worth it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 21, 2016 · 2:40 pm

Camping Chair

I like to go camping. I also enjoy sitting. So when I go camping, I like to bring a camping chair so that I have something to sit on around the campsite. A camping chair is a chair that is foldable/collapsible so you can take it almost anywhere. They are lightweight yet sturdy and comfortable. Camping chairs used to be pretty basic, but manufacturers have been cranking out some cool chairs. Camping chair technology has gotten insane these days. They aren’t your grandpa’s camping chairs. There are a lot of different designs and styles. Some of them have cup holders or little side tables built in. Some have footrests for added comfort. I had one that was also a rocking chair. Some of them can recline. Some can hold two or more people. I’ve seen ones with awnings overhead. There are even camping chairs with Bluetooth speakers so you can blast your music and give the middle finger to the majestic sounds of nature. If you like camping and sitting, I suggest getting a camping chair. I’m sure there’s a perfect one that seems like it was made just for you. You only have to find it. Good luck.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 19, 2016 · 6:49 pm

Manager Goose Chase

I’m a bit of a prankster at work sometimes. One of my favorite tricks to play on people is to send them on a manager goose chase. It’s a wild-goose chase for a manager that they will never find. It’s a simple gag. First off, get the managers in on it. They like to stave off boredom just as much as you do. Then you tell an unsuspecting coworker that a manager is looking for him. He goes to the manager to see what he wants. The manager says that he wasn’t looking for him, it was another manager. He goes and tracks down the other manager to see what he wants. That manager directs him to a different manager. He goes to find that manager to see what he wants. That manager sends him to a different manager. It can go on for a while depending how many supervisors and managers are on the clock. The best way to end the gag is to have the last manager send him back to the original manager. If the coworker hasn’t figured it out by then, he deserves to repeat the process. It’s a good prank. Nobody gets hurt, no property gets damaged, and it’s not good enough to post on YouTube so you won’t be ruining any lives. The manager goose chase. Try it the next time Monday is bringing you down.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

'I sent Higgins on a wild goose chase so we could get some work done.'

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February 18, 2016 · 9:17 pm

Taco Night

Taco night is a night where you make tacos at home. It’s a quick, cheap, and fun meal. And it’s easy to make, so even culinary inept people like me can pull it off without a hitch. When I was growing up, my family did taco night once every two weeks or so. My mom was smart and let the kids be in charge of taco night. We took turns cooking the meat and beans, dicing the lettuce, tomatoes and onions, and grating cheese. It got raised to another level when we learned how to make guacamole. I’m not a good cook by any means, but I gained my basic cooking skills from taco night. It’s come in handy.

I recently started seeing a girl and last Sunday was our first Valentine’s Day together. It was still too early in the relationship to do something extravagant, so I asked my sister for advice. She told me to cook her dinner. It was a great idea but I’m not really good at cooking. I thought about what I knew how to make. The answer came naturally. Tacos. I could make tacos. So Valentine’s Day became taco night. I’m pleased to say that it was successful. They tasted great, she appreciated the gesture, nobody got food poisoning, and we’re still seeing each other. It’s all thanks to taco night. Learn it, love it, do it. Everyone deserves fresh, homemade tacos in their lives. Get in on it.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 14, 2016 · 1:50 pm

Panic Attack

A couple of Saturdays ago I was getting a well-deserved drink after a stressful shift. The Golden State Warriors game was on and I was chilling with my coworker, just shooting the shit and being grateful we were no longer at work. We went outside to smoke a bowl (it’s San Francisco, that’s what we do), and we came back inside and sat down. I was in the middle of telling a story when I started feeling short of breath, like my lungs weren’t being inflated enough. I started to get dizzy and lightheaded. My chest constricted, my heart started hurting. My palms got sweaty and tingly. I felt like I was about to die. I told my friend my symptoms and he assured me that I wasn’t flushed or dripping sweat, that I looked normal. He got me some ice water. He calmed me down. I started to realize that death wasn’t imminent and gradually returned to reality. It was my first panic attack. It was terrifying. I’ve always heard other people talk about them but I never knew how it felt. I didn’t know what was going on and the fear just consumed me. But I dealt with it and now I know I can handle them. I don’t recommend them. I hope you never experience one. But if you do, take it one breath at a time and try to focus on something other than dying. Not great advice, but helpful enough. Remember it.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 11, 2016 · 11:45 pm

Bedtime

Bedtime is that magical time when you go to bed. It’s a designated time set by your parents when you are growing up, but you start to control your own bedtime as you get older. You brush your teeth, you change into your pajamas or strip down to your undies, and jump into bed. When you’re a kid your bedtime gets gradually gets later and later. You’ll have to go to bed at 8:00 pm, then 8:30, then 9:00, and so on. Soon you’re in high school and you can stay out until midnight on Saturday night if you’re lucky. Then you get to college and you can stay up as late as you want (and sometimes you do) but you mostly end up crashing by 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning so you can make it to class. Your bedtime is any time that you feel tired when you are in your twenties. You are immortal for a few years, immune to hangovers and sleep deprivation. And then something happens (LIFE) and you have to start enforcing an earlier bedtime on yourself so that you can function adequately in the morning. As you get older, your bedtime gets later. Then you get too old, and your bedtime gets earlier. It’s not a bad thing. It’s simply inevitable. You might as well embrace it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 10, 2016 · 3:40 pm

Toilet Brush

A toilet brush is a device that you use to scrub dirty toilets. It gets rid of shit stains and that nasty ring of filth that accumulates around the water line. Everyone poops but you don’t want to see the physical evidence of it. That’s why you flush the toilet (well, that and for hygiene). I poop twice a day on average, once in the morning and again when I come home from work or wherever. If it’s a particularly nasty shit, I feel compelled to break out the toilet brush and clean up a little bit. I’m not trying to impress anyone, I’m trying to keep others from being disgusted. I’m considerate like that I guess. I’m writing about toilet brushes because I bought a new one today. Pretty exciting, I know. It only cost two bucks at the store. I think that’s a good price, but I don’t really know the average retail price for toilet brushes. I was willing to pay five bucks for one. Two bucks was a steal. I think I’ll give out toilet brushes as stocking stuffers for Christmas this year. They are a cheap yet practical gift. I’ve thought about this too much. I’m going to go drink beer now.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 5, 2016 · 4:58 pm

Air Drums

I was cruising to work on my longboard, weaving in and out of the pedestrians while blasting nineties rock songs on Pandora when I caught myself playing the air drums. I was hitting the imaginary hi-hat with my left hand, rapping the invisible snare with my right, and every once in a while I would play my way through the tom-toms. Air drums mean that I’m feeling the music. Some people jam out by playing the air guitar, some people prefer the air piano/keyboard, and everyone gets down to a sexy air saxophone solo, but I’m all about the air drums. I think they are the most fun to play. As long as there’s a beat you’ve got something to rock out to. Air guitarists sometimes have to wait for the guitar solo to rock out, but you can go crazy on the air drums anytime you want. I can play practically any air instrument, but the air drums had me hooked right away.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 4, 2016 · 9:27 pm

Cheers Tap Down

I drink beer and I drink socially. That means that I usually do a toast or cheers a few times a week. I’ll go to the bar with a friend, order a couple of beers, and will raise our glasses to one thing or another. I’ve noticed that every time I clink my glass against another, I tap the table with my glass before I take a sip. I can’t help it. It’s built in. It’s an automatic reflex. I call it the Cheers Tap Down. Maybe you have a better name for it. Good for you. You should write a blog post about it. Maybe I will read it.

I don’t know when I picked up the habit of tapping my glass down before I drink it. I might have gotten it from my European friends (do they do that in Europe?). I might have gotten it by mimicking cool people. Either way, I do it now instinctually. It feels weird if I don’t do it. I like to think of it as a way of wishing for good luck, like knocking on wood or something. Cheers to you, one for the homies, and a sip for me. The Cheers Tap Down. Try it once and you’ll never go back to normal toasting again.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 3, 2016 · 6:29 pm

The First Time I Snuck Into a Movie

I used to be a child actor. My best job was a play at Berkeley Repertory Theatre when I was fourteen. Child labor laws are a bit tricky in the business, so I was double cast with another actor. That means we took turns playing the same role so we weren’t working fulltime and could still go to school and stuff. I was double cast with a kid named Eli Marienthal. He had solid career. He was in a bunch of movies and TV shows. You might not know his name, but you’ve seen him before. Anyway, we had a couple weeks of rehearsals together and one time we got out early and had the whole afternoon to spend in Berkeley before our moms came to pick us up. We decided to go to the movies and so we did.

There’s no good way of setting up this story so I will just say what fucking happened. We bought tickets to The Iron Giant because it was Rated PG and snuck into American Pie because it was Rated R and we wanted to see it. We were teenagers and teenagers are supposed to rebel. That was the first time I snuck into a movie. I felt like a badass. It wasn’t until a few years later that I realized how cool that situation actually was. I bought a ticket to a movie so I could sneak into another movie with a friend who was in both movies. Yessiree, Eli Marienthal was the voice of Hogarth Hughes, the animated protagonist in The Iron Giant, and he also played Stifler’s little brother in American Pie. It’s not as exciting as seeing Jim Carrey movies with Jim Carrey, but it’s still pretty cool. I’ll take it. It’s also kind of funny that people used to sneak into movies. Now we just download them.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 2, 2016 · 5:22 pm

Music Visualizer

Every now and then, if I really like a band, I will buy an album of theirs on iTunes. I like iTunes because I have access to anything I purchase from there will be available on my iPhone, iPad, and MacBook Pro. My favorite way to listen to an album for the first time is to play it on my laptop with a nice set of headphones plugged in. I always make it a point to turn on the visualizer. A music visualizer is a feature that makes music visual, in case you couldn’t figure that out for yourself. The next time you catch yourself listening to music through a media player, check to see if there is a visualizer option. That shit takes it to another level. The notes of a song become swirls of smoke, or dots and dashes, or bolts of electricity. Colors shift and patterns change and you’ll go on a journey through time and space if you only give in and let yourself go. Smoke a bowl and enjoy the light show.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 1, 2016 · 8:57 pm

Door Code

My roommates and I have an unwritten door policy. We leave our bedroom doors wide open if we are feeling social. That means we are welcome to walk right on in and have a party. We have them closed halfway or slightly ajar if we want a little bit of privacy. That means we knock once or twice to announce our presence before entering the room. If our doors are opened just a crack, that means you knock, call their name, and wait for approval before any further action. If there’s no response, there’s no entry. When the door is fully shut, it means do not disturb. Don’t knock, don’t come in, it is closed for a reason. We have nothing to hide until we do. The door code is key and crucial to avoiding conflicts with the roommates. An open door is an open invitation. A closed door means fuck off. It’s not that hard. I suggest you implement the door code in your household today. By the way, my roommate gave me the idea for this blog post. My door was closed at the time. Just text me next time, bro.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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