Monthly Archives: July 2021


Three years ago today, I wrote a blog about Josh over a year after his passing. Today it seems fitting to write about Zach. Zach was Josh’s husband and my girlfriend’s best friend. He was one of my best friends too. He introduced me to Mandy, and for that, I’m forever grateful. But he took her away and I can never forgive him for that.

Zach was a good guy. All he ever wanted was to be with people that he loved and cared about. He lost the love of his life and it broke him. He never recovered and I can’t blame him for that.

But he made a stupid decision. He got shitfaced and decided to drive an ATV while it was dark out. My girlfriend was stupid enough to get on the back of it for one last ride. And it was their last ride. Zach kept going straight on a road where he should have turned, and the end result was them crashing into a ditch and dying on impact.

The last thing I ever said to him was to “Drive safe.” I can never say such a simple expression again. I wonder if I jinxed them or cursed them somehow.

I can never hate him. He’s responsible for some of the best times of my life. Addressing the elephant in the room, he’s also responsible for some of the worst times of my life. He took away the person I cared about most. He turned me into a shell of who I used to be. Sometimes I miss him. But I don’t mourn him. I can’t cry for him. He ruined everything.

I know he didn’t mean to. I know it was an accident. But it was a hundred percent avoidable and I’m the one left dealing with his mistake.

Before he left for the night, I asked him if I needed to do anything for his cat. He told me not to worry about it, that it was just going to be one night. He fucking lied to me. I feed his cat, I pet his cat, I resent his cat. I still owe it to him to take care of the little fucker.

What happened happened. What’s done is done. I can’t change the past. I can’t stop myself from dwelling on it. I wish he was still here. Because Mandy would be too.

I often find myself going down to Ocean Beach. I crack open a beer and stand by the waves as they come crashing down. I think about them. Josh, Zach, Mandy, and now Nichoh. I save my last sip for them and cheers to them as I pour it into the water. They will forever be a part of my life. I just wish they were here for it.

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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