Time has a peculiar way of slogging on. Minutes add up to hours, hours add up to days, days add up to weeks, weeks add up to months, months add up to years, and we keep track of how many years old we have, and we annually celebrate the day of the year in which we came into the world. We call those days birthdays, because they are the day of your birth. It makes sense. Sorta.
Some birthdays are more important than others. Here is the Critically Rated breakdown of milestone birthdays.
Your First. Your first birthday is a big one. You made it a whole year without dying. Good for you. You’re still a baby though so you can’t take much credit for surviving. You have a lot of other people to thank for making it through your first year.
Your Fifth. Your fifth birthday is kind of a big deal. You’re half a decade old. You count your age with a whole hand now.
Your Tenth. Your tenth birthday marks your transition into double digits. You’re ten years old now. Ten is the basis of our number system. You’re in the big leagues. You count your age with two whole hands. You’re cruising right along.
Your Thirteenth. Holy shit, you’re a teenager now. This is the age when you start talking back to parents and teachers, but it’s expected because you’re a teenaged dipshit now. It’s ok to start rebelling.
Your Sixteenth. You’re sixteen. Sweet. This is the age when most American teenagers begin driving. Just remember not to text when you’re behind the wheel.
Your Seventeenth. You can see R-rated movies by yourself. Too bad Hollywood sucks now.
Your Eighteenth. You’re legally an adult. Life begins now. You can drop out of school if you want. You can register to vote. You can join the military and die for your country. You still can’t drink.
Your Twentieth. Your twentieth year is kind of a weird one. You’re two decades old now. You’re not a teenager and you still can’t drink. You’re just twenty. Deal with it.
Your Twenty-First. Twenty-one means that you can finally drink legally. The world is now your oyster. You’re finally able to do Vegas the right way.
Your Twenty-Fifth. Your twenty-fifth birthday means that you’re a quarter of a century old. You can rent a car. Your insurance rates might change. You start to feel like an adult, albeit reluctantly.
Your Thirtieth. Your Dirty Thirty marks the end of your twenties. You don’t feel much older, but everyone younger than you thinks of you as a geezer now.
Your Fortieth. Turning forty generally involves a midlife crisis. You realize that your life is half over and you might regret some of your past choices.
Your Fiftieth. Holy shit, you’re fifty. When did that happen? You never thought you’d get to this age when you were 21. And now you’re fifty. Fuck.
Your Sixtieth. Wait, I thought being fifty sucked. Now I’m sixty?
Your Sixty-Fifth, Sixty-Sixth, Sixty-Seventh. Sixty-five was the standard retirement age for decades. It’s since transitioned into age sixty-six and age sixty-seven depending on the year of your birth. You don’t have to work anymore. Too bad you’re too old to enjoy your new found freedom. Time to move to Florida.
Your Seventieth. You’re officially old, but a young old.
Your Eightieth. Your eightieth birthday is impressive. But you might start freaking people out when you get behind the wheel.
Your Ninetieth. Ninety is old, but you have ten more years to go if you really want to show off your longevity.
Your Hundredth. One hundred is a huge milestone birthday. You’ve lived for a century. You’ve made it to triple digits. Even turtles are lucky to make it to a hundred years. People will ask the secret to your longevity. Make sure you say that whiskey and cigarettes act as a preservative and keep your true secret to yourself.
Every birthday after your hundredth year becomes another milestone. When you can kick the bucket at any moment, every new year becomes an achievement. I know that it’s weird for a thirty-year old to write a list of all the milestone birthdays without experiencing them all, but I didn’t want to wait seventy more years to write this article.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young