Tag Archives: beach

A Bad Beach Bonfire

My old roommate and his girlfriend invited me to a bonfire last week. There’s a popular San Francisco spot on Ocean Beach with a bunch of fire pits available to the public. My roommate works at Beach Chalet which overlooks the fire pits. Each night he works he looks out and sees all the fires glowing in the distance and it inspired him to have a bonfire of his own.

So he called me up, invited me out, and he swooped by and picked me up, and the three of us went out to the beach with a box of wood. We parked the car, got out, and went in search of a fire pit. It was around 7:00 PM and it was already dark but we could see four other fires burning in the area. We walked around looking for a pit using the flashlights on our phones but couldn’t find any and gave up after a few minutes. We dug our own pit in the sand, while commenting how weird it was because I just saw the fire pits when I was there a few weeks earlier. Oh well, whatever, let’s dig a hole.

It was pretty windy out, but we managed to get the fire going. We laid out on the sand, cracked open some beers and a bottle of wine, listened to classic acoustic hits on Pandora, and caught up with each other. It was cold and breezy but the good company and roaring fire was making it an enjoyable evening.

And then a man emerged from the darkness and approached us. He clicked on a flashlight as he got near, revealing himself to be a cop. He asked what we were doing and where we were from. We answered by saying that we were having a fire and that we were locals. He retorted with, “Well, if you’re locals how come you didn’t know that fire season is over? Didn’t you think it was weird that you couldn’t find any fire pits?”

Ugh. Damnit. We failed. The cop went on to lecture us for a while before giving us an ultimatum: either get a citation or go to jail. We chose the citation. We turned off the music, sadly poured our precious booze over our beautiful fire, covered the embers with sand, and slinked away.

We walked in darkness back to the car. We glanced back over our shoulders and saw the cop approaching another bonfire. Those flames slowly died out as another citation was given. Cars get broken into, houses get robbed, people get killed, but rest assured the police are making bonfires on the beach a top priority. Your tax dollars at work.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Beach Day

I didn’t have to work today. I slept in a bit, but dragged myself out of bed when I looked out the window and saw how nice it was outside. It was perfect summer’s day outside (summer might be officially over on the calendar but San Francisco summer is in September and October). I could stay cooped up inside watching football and catching up on Netflix but it seemed like a beach day so I went to the beach.

A beach day is a day when you go to the beach. Today is one of those days. I know that because I’m writing this on the beach right now. You’ve heard of live tweeting but I’m live blogging and taking the Internet to another level. I’m sitting on a towel, sipping on a Mike’s Harder Cranberry Lemonade, and listening to nineties songs on Pandora. I have a sandwich in my bag that I’ll eat after I post this. I’m shirtless too, in case anyone is wondering. Gotta work on my tan.

I see about fifteen dogs scattered all around, chasing balls and birds, frolicking in the water, and occasionally sniffing each other’s butts. I see dudes tossing a frisbee. I see bros throwing a football. I see kids digging in the sand. I see ladies laying out and guys strutting by to impress them. I see a couple trouncing along the shore with a cooler in search of the perfect spot. I see surfers paddling out. I see ships coming into the bay. It’s definitely a beach day. 

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Shadow Kite

Last Sunday was a gorgeous day. My roommate and I both had it off. We decided to celebrate by day drinking on the beach. Half of San Francisco had the same idea as us. There was a ton of people out, doing everything you’d expect people to be doing on the beach. There were sunbathers, swimmers, surfers, dog walkers, people playing catch, little kids building sand castles, and some people flying kites. We found a decent spot to set up shop, threw our towels down, laid out, cracked open our tall boys, and watched the waves and the people around us. The sun was hot and there was very little wind, making it seem even hotter. At one point there was a couple of young kids walking down the beach while carrying a pair of kites. They walked passed us and their kites cast a brief shadow overhead, giving us a quick break from the sun’s unrelenting rays. But the shade went away as soon as the kids did and we relapsed into the heat. That gave my roommate a revelation.

“We need a big ass kite,” he said. “And we let it get really high above us, and we can rest in its shade. We need a shadow kite.” It was a great idea. I wish I thought of it, but I didn’t. My roommate did. His name is Jerry. If you know Jerry, or ever meet Jerry, you should tell him that shadow kites are a great idea. It’s thinking outside of the box and he should be commended for it. Don’t be surprised if you see Jerry launching a Kickstarter campaign for shadow kites, the coolest way to keep cool at the beach. People like kites, and they like being in the shade on a hot day. A shadow kite gives you the best of both worlds.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Adventure Day Backpack

I have an adventure day backpack. It’s the backpack that I always take to the beach or park. I’ll also bring it when I go hiking or camping or on a random day trip. I keep a few essentials in the bag at all times. There’s a lighter and a bottle opener so I’m always ready to party. There’s a bottle of hand sanitizer because it’s a nice gesture to clean your hands after you piss in public. I have a tube of Carmex lip balm to protect my lips. I have big lips, I need to protect them. There’s a multi-tool that my sister gave me with a knife, screwdriver, saw, can opener. There’s a stash of Band-Aids because shit happens. That’s just the pockets.

Open it up, and there are two baseball gloves and a ball, so I can have a catch wherever and whenever. There’s a Nerf football and a Frisbee if I want to play catch with something else. There’s a cribbage board so I can play cribbage if I want to play cribbage. There’s a deck of cards because you can’t play cribbage without a deck of cards. There’s also an UNO deck so I can play UNO and you can’t play UNO with regular cards. Crazy Eights just isn’t the same. There’s a beach towel so I can sit down at the beach. It also works just as well at the park. There used to be Bluetooth speakers too, but they broke. My birthday is coming up. I could use some speakers. Just saying.

I’m quite fond of my adventure day backpack. We’ve had a lot of good times together. I hope we have a lot more. Everyone should have a designated adventure day backpack. Everyone should go on adventures. Live life. That’s what I say, that’s what I do. Having an adventure day backpack makes it easier.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sea Glass

I went to the beach today and I felt compelled to wade into the surf as usual. I let the waves crash into me as I scanned the sand for shells and bits of sea glass. Shells are cool and all, but I’m more interested in sea glass. I like the fact that nature is able to transform trash into something beautiful. The saltwater and jumbling waves turn jagged edges into smooth ones. The glass starts to lose its transparency and become more frosted, but sunlight can still shine through it. It’s nature improving upon mankind’s inventions. Normally you don’t want to see broken glass when you’re walking around barefoot but sea glass is the exception.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Day That Never Ends

Yesterday was an epic day. It was one of those days that stretches on and on and you do so many random things that it doesn’t seem like you did them all in the same day. It was like a real life version of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I hung out with some amazing friends, we did a lot of amazing things, and we somehow managed to cram it all into a twenty-four hour period. We started the day by meeting at McDonald’s and grabbing a quick bite to eat before going to Golden Gate Park to participate in the AIDS Walk. We walked for a few miles and helped make the world a better place. Then we decided to get some bottles of champagne and have mimosas on the beach. We deserved it. We went to the grocery store and bought some booze and juice, plus a few other essentials like sandwiches, chips and dip, and some bubbles. You gotta have bubbles. We marched out to the beach and staked out a good log to sit on while we munched our munchies and drank our drinks. We talked and we laughed and we people watched. We saw a group of guys flying kites in formation, doing all kinds of synchronized tricks like they were the Blue Angels of the kite world.

We finished our four bottles of champagne in record time and decided to keep the party going. We went back to the grocery store to reload on booze and chips, but then we decided to find a cool spot in the park rather than go back to the beach. We took a few overlooked paths before finding a cool spot with rocks to lay on and trees to climb. I cracked a brew, shimmied up a tree, and posted up there for a few hours. There was a restaurant nearby that had outdoor seating and it was out of sight but still close enough that we could hear their music blasting. Luckily their music was an actual band that played classic rock songs from the ‘50s and ‘60s. We were essentially listening in on a live concert. We could have stayed there forever, but the music eventually ended, the sun went down, and it started to get cold.

At that point we said fuck it, went to the store and got more booze, and then went to our friend’s house to hang out. We had more drinks, more laughs, and we listened to gangster rap and released our inner thugs. At one point I left to have dinner at a Mexican restaurant, but I came back to the house right after. We partied some more, drank some more, and laughed some more. Did I mention the drinking and the laughing? Because that was the theme of the day. Midnight came and went, and things were going great until someone mentioned that it was 1:30 a.m. and we still had time to go to the bar to make last call. You can’t survive the whole day and suddenly become a party pooper, so I reluctantly went for one last drink. I didn’t even order my own, I just sipped from my friend’s beer.

I wish I could say that I was responsible and went home after the bar closed, but we went back to my friend’s house for a little bit longer. It was somewhere around 2:30 or 3:00 that I finally threw in the towel and went home. I got home and fell into my bed and slept like a rock until I got up, checked Facebook and saw all the pictures and comments from the day before, and decided my day was awesome enough to Critically Rate it. So that’s what I did, and now I’m done. The best days in life are the spontaneous ones, the ones that never end. I knew that yesterday was special early on. I knew that I would remember it forever. I made sure to live in the moment and I’m a little sad that the moment’s already passed. And now I can’t wait for my next epic day.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Nice Day in San Francisco

I’m trying to find something to write about, but it’s extremely difficult because it’s perfect outside. People shit on San Francisco’s weather. They say that it’s cold and foggy all the time. And that’s mostly true, but we do get nice days every once in a while. A nice day in San Francisco is a blessing and everyone takes advantage of it. They turn off the TV and go outside to feel the warmth of the sun. Everyone goes to the beach or to the park. They ride bikes and go for hikes. The girls wear skimpy clothes. I lived in Los Angeles, where good weather is year round and they take it for granted. They don’t care that the sun is shining. They drive to the tanning salon while blasting the air conditioner. The girls wear skimpy clothes, but that’s because they are slutty not weather conscious. They don’t appreciate good weather because they have it all the time. A nice day in San Francisco is something that you can’t afford to squander. That makes it more worthwhile.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Beach Balls

Beach balls are inflatable balls that require your lungpower. You blow into a little rubber nipple thing, and you get slightly dizzy if you blow it up too fast. The name is kind of misleading. You never see beach balls at the beach. You typically see them at concerts, festivals, and the occasional sporting event. They are sometimes distracting, but you still hope it comes your way so you can swat it. I wonder if the guy who brings the ball gets mad when no one gives it back. I would be pissed, “NO ONE IS LEAVING UNTIL I GET MY FUCKING BEACH BALL BACK! WHO THE FUCK HAS IT?”

Critically Rated at 11/17

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