Monthly Archives: September 2013

September 30, 2013 · 9:52 am

Awkward Handshake

Awkward handshakes are embarrassing. You’ll bump into a casual acquaintance on the street and you go in to greet him with a handshake as he’s trying to greet you with a fist bump. And you notice that he’s trying to fist bump so you start to make a fist, and simultaneously he sees that you’re trying to shake hands so he switches to a handshake. You both start fumbling around between a potential fist bump and a handshake, and it’s pretty obvious that you guys aren’t on the same page. Someone has to take charge and declare if the greeting will be a bump or a shake. It’s also awkward when you both go in for a handshake and then you try to follow it with a fist bump but he doesn’t catch on and he leaves you there fist bumping the air like a Jersey Shore asshole. An awkward handshake is a terrible way to begin a greeting. It can only go down from there. Just pretend like nothing happened and end the conversation by walking away. You’re not being rude, you’re just trying to save face and redeem yourself.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , ,

September 30, 2013 · 9:50 am

Slim Jim

A Slim Jim is a smoked sausage stick that is similar to beef jerky. You mostly find them at gas stations and 7-Elevens. Randy “Macho Man” Savage used to be the spokesman for Slim Jim. He got paid millions of dollars and received a lifetime supply of the meat sticks. He’s dead now. Just something to think about before you buy one. If you think that hot dogs are gross, you should read the ingredients in a Slim Jim. Anyone for mechanically separated chicken? Slim Jims are alright. I normally prefer regular beef jerky, but every once in a while you feel like snapping into a Slim Jim. A little mystery meat never hurt anyone. Except for Randy “Macho Man” Savage. Did I mention that he’s dead? Because of Slim Jims?

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , ,

September 29, 2013 · 6:18 pm

Forgetting What Day It Is

You wake up on a Wednesday but you think that it’s Thursday for some reason. You go through the whole day thinking that it’s Thursday and that tomorrow is Friday and you start planning accordingly. You start thinking about grabbing some drinks with a few friends, maybe catching a flick at the cinema. And then someone says something that snaps you back into reality, and you realize with a groan that it’s still just Wednesday and you still have a few more days until freedom. You feel confused and jumbled, like it’s an early glimpse of Alzheimer’s. Don’t stress though. Everyone ends up forgetting what day it is at some point. You should be more worried if you’re forgetting what year it is. You’re either genuinely losing it or you’re a time traveller.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , ,

September 29, 2013 · 6:11 pm

Energizing Fruit Punch Kickstart by Mtn Dew

Kickstart by Mtn Dew is a new energy drink/soda that is a combination of Mtn Dew and fruit juice. It’s not Mountain Dew anymore… it’s Mtn Dew now. Pretty fucking extreme, right? There are two flavors available: Energizing Orange Citrus and Energizing Fruit Punch. I haven’t tried the Energizing Orange Citrus one yet, but I’m sipping on the Energizing Fruit Punch right now. It has kind of a weird taste, like watered down Mtn Dew mixed with a diet fruit punch flavored energy drink. There’s kind of an aftertaste. This is a stupid product. I don’t know why anyone would want to start off their day with a can of Mtn Dew mixed with fruit juice. This is a beverage that nobody wanted and nobody asked for. But they made it for some reason. Try it before they discontinue making it (which should be any second now).

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

September 28, 2013 · 9:52 am

Getting Locked Out

Getting locked out sucks. I’m letting a friend crash on my couch because I’m a swell guy like that. I gave him my only set of keys the other night because I had to work a night shift and he was going to hang out with some friends. He said he would be home before me. I didn’t think so, but I gave it to him anyway and told him I would call him when I was done with work. Work was slow so I got cut early, sent him a text saying I was done, and jumped on my train and started heading home. I got off at my stop, called him, and he said that he was ten minutes away. Perfect, just enough time to go to the liquor store and grab some beer, snacks, and ice cream. I got my supplies and went to my house and started waiting. And waiting. And waiting. My roommates weren’t there and my friend wasn’t answering his phone. I was locked out and there was no way to get in without a key. At first I was annoyed that he was late. Then I was kind of worried that something might have happened to him. Then I noticed that my ice cream was starting to melt and I got pissed. It took all my restraint from choking his light out when he finally sauntered up to the door after an hour, mumbling his apology. Sorries don’t turn back the clock. Sorries don’t unlock doors. Sorries don’t unmelt ice cream.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , ,

September 28, 2013 · 12:36 am

Leffe Blonde

Leffe Blonde is a Belgian Ale from Belgium. It’s also considered an Abbey Ale because it’s based on an abbey recipe that has been brewed for hundreds of years. It has a rich golden color, and it smells of bananas, cloves, spices, and doughy bread. It has a bready malty flavor with a light hop kick at the end. I can also taste banana, cloves, and honey… it’s a fairly sweet beer with hints of fruit. It’s a good stepping-stone to see what lies beyond the world of Budweiser. I bought the big bottle with the cork. Any beer that has a cork instead of a bottle cap just seems a little more classy. It’s 6.6% alcohol and that’s good but not great for an ale. It’s on the lower-middle end of acceptable. It’s a good beer for day drinking, but I wouldn’t play drinking games with it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , ,

September 26, 2013 · 11:32 am

Nobody Notices That You Got a Haircut

Your hair is getting long and shaggy, and it’s time for a trim. You go to the barbershop, you plop down some cash, and you leave a while later with a stylish new do. But nobody notices it. Nobody cares about it. Nobody compliments you on it. The world is indifferent. You should have saved your money and let your hair continue to grow. Don’t take it personally when nobody notices that you got a haircut. People tend not to notice minor changes in other people’s appearances. Everyone has got their own shit to deal with. Besides, you probably didn’t notice that Sarah is wearing a new shirt, and she’s crushed that you didn’t even say anything about it. You asshole.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

September 26, 2013 · 11:26 am

Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full

Don’t talk with your mouth full. “But why not?” you ask, with food dribbling down the side of your face. Because it’s gross and because you’re not a fucking five-year-old. I don’t want to hear you chewing and chomping and smacking your lips as we make idle conversation. And I don’t appreciate the specks of your chewed food splattering on my face. It’s bad enough I have to listen to you talk, but this is really pushing it. Chew with your mouth closed. It’s common sense and it’s common courtesy. You should masturbate behind a closed door, and you should masticate behind a closed mouth. Nobody wants to see what’s going on in there. Close your mouth, swallow your food, and then you can join the conversation.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

September 25, 2013 · 12:45 pm

A Clueless Person Acting Like a Tour Guide

The other day I overheard a clueless person acting like a tour guide to his visiting friends. He was pointing at the Bay Bridge and declared it to be the Golden Gate Bridge. His friends smiled and nodded, one of them even took a picture. I had to bite my tongue to keep from slapping him. Even a blind person knows that the Golden Gate Bridge is fucking red. And a real San Francisco native would know that its official color is international orange. You’re not much of a tour guide if you’re ignorant about the city you live in. Maybe you shouldn’t be talking about stuff that you don’t know anything about. Most cities have an interesting history, and it’s your duty to learn about yours. You don’t have to be an expert, just don’t make up facts. You’ll end up embarrassing yourself and I’ll write an article about your stupidity.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Tagged as , , , , ,

September 25, 2013 · 12:42 pm

Black Diamond Fracas Red

Fracas Red is a Red Ale from Black Diamond Brewing Co. It has an aroma of hops and caramelized malts with citric undertones. I can smell grapefruit, oranges, and orange peels. It tastes of floral/herbal hops with a roasted malty backbone with caramel and citrus flavors. It starts bitter and finishes sweet. It says on the label that there are also hints of raisins. I’m pretty sure that they are lying. I taste no raisins. It has a solid 8% alcohol content, and it’s pretty drinkable so you might need to watch out and pace yourself. It has a cool label design. There’s a picture of a gnarly looking bull with eyes of flame staring directly into your soul. The bull knows your secrets. The bull knows your thoughts. He challenges you, daring you to try Fracas Red, to tame the beast. And you should. It’s a damn good beer.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

September 24, 2013 · 11:02 am

Rock-Paper-Scissors

Rock-paper-scissors is a classic playground game. Two opponents face off and choose one of three shapes (rock, paper, or scissors) and try to win a best of three series. A closed fist is a rock, two extended fingers are scissors, and an open hand is paper. Rock beats scissors, scissors beat paper, and paper beats rock.  Everyone knows this game, but some regions have their own name for it. Most of the world knows it as rock-paper-scissors, but I grew up calling it roshambo. I’ve also heard ick-ack-ock and paper-scissors-stone, but it really doesn’t matter what you call it, it’s still the same game. You would play it just to play it when you were a kid, but now you only play it to settle minor disputes with your friends. It’s still a good game though. You rely on luck and psyching out your opponent and it’s always fun to get into someone’s head and break them down.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

September 24, 2013 · 10:57 am

A Hole in Your Favorite Shirt

It’s a sad day when you find a hole in your favorite shirt. Your favorite shirt almost becomes a part of you. It’s comfortable and it fits well and it makes you look cool and it makes you feel good. You’ve worn it to parties, to dinners, on vacations, on dates, and you always managed to keep in clean and pristine. But time has a way of slogging on, and eventually the wear and tear will be too much to bear and a hole will form. You don’t have to throw it away. You can still wear it around the house, but you have to retire it from public appearances. When your favorite shirt gets demoted, another gets promoted. And even though you’ll miss the old one, your new shirt will eventually win your heart, and you’ll eventually create a new bunch of memories with your new favorite.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , ,

September 23, 2013 · 12:38 pm

The Cigarette Club

People who smoke cigarettes are part of a club: the Cigarette Club. Being a member allows you to approach anybody that is smoking or carrying cigarettes and ask them for a smoke. They are obliged to hand one to you. You can also ask for a light at anytime. They will either light your cigarette for you or hand you a pack of matches. But if you are a club member you are also obliged to give up cigarettes to any stranger who asks for one. And offer them a light on top of it. And pretend like you don’t mind. If you want to join, membership is easy. All it requires is a one-time purchase of a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and you’re in. Now every smoking stranger is your friend. But friends mooch sometimes. Sometimes you’re the moocher and sometimes you’re the moochie. At least you’re part of a club.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

September 23, 2013 · 12:35 pm

Life Savers

It’s hard not to write about a fruity candy that you orally insert and suck on without sounding a little gay, but I will try. Life Savers are a brand of ring-shaped candies. They make hard candies and they also make gummies. This article is about the fruit Life Savers, the familiar five-flavored hard candy roll that you grew up with. The five flavors are Cherry, Raspberry, Watermelon, Orange, and Pineapple. If that sounds delicious, it’s because they are. Cherry is the best flavor of the bunch, but the rest are also good. If you’re still reading this, good for you because I’m going to tell you a secret. The next time you’re smoking a bowl, pop a Life Saver in your mouth and take a hit. You now have candy-flavored smoke and your weed will taste amazing. You’re welcome. Just try not to inhale the Life Saver because you could potentially choke to death. You can still enjoy Life Savers without weed, but I wouldn’t recommend it because weed makes everything better.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under 420, Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , ,

September 22, 2013 · 12:05 pm

A Good Last Goodbye

Goodbyes are hard. They are always sad. But the other day I experienced a good last goodbye, one of the best goodbyes in history. Three of my close friends were leaving after an awesome summer in San Francisco, and a group of us hung out together all day. We ended up getting dinner at the restaurant where we all work, and we got food, drinks, and an amazing dessert. But that was just leading up to the real goodbye. We finished our meal and walked outside and hung around the entrance for a minute. We were all reluctant to leave, because that would mean that summer was officially over. We were all hugging each other, saying how much we would miss each other, and then we spontaneously formed into a huddle, all ten of us. We wrapped our arms around each other and leaned our heads into the circle and started talking about all the crazy nights, all the mellow nights, and all the highlights of the summer. We were truly in the moment, and at the moment all we had was love for each other. It was a good last goodbye, one that I will remember forever. And even though I miss those motherfuckers, I can’t be too sad because I will see them again someday. Too bad someday isn’t tomorrow though.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , ,

September 22, 2013 · 12:03 pm

Rainy Saturdays

I woke up last Saturday to the gentle pitter-patter of rain falling outside my window. And I was glad that it was raining. When you were a kid, rainy Saturdays were terrible. All you had was two days of freedom each weekend, and being stuck inside was pure torture. It meant that you couldn’t run around and climb trees and play sports with the neighborhood kids. You had to stay inside and play crummy board games or do puzzles that were always missing a piece with your sister. But now you’re an adult and rainy Saturdays means catching up on Breaking Bad or having a marathon Netflix session. Rainy Saturdays are a perfectly valid excuse to procrastinate and avoid doing laundry, paying bills, or running errands. You’re supposed to be lazy on a rainy Saturday. It’s your God-given right. So take advantage of that and don’t do anything productive.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , ,

September 21, 2013 · 9:48 am

Rogue Brutal IPA

Rogue Brutal IPA is a microbrewed India Pale Ale from Oregon. It’s hoppy, but more malty, and it only has 5.8% alcohol. And that’s not enough. Rogue is an overhyped brewery. They have a few good beers, but most of them are disappointing. Their Brutal IPA is pretty weak for an IPA. I suppose that it’s a good IPA for beginners, but I have a seasoned palate and each sip I take kills my buzz a little bit. I’ve had worse beers. But I’ve also had a lot of better ones. Like a lot of better ones. A whole lot of better ones, in fact. The only reason to try this beer is to say that you tried this beer. You might like it. I don’t really care for it. It’s too bland for my taste buds and the alcohol content is too low to make me forget about the blandness. It’s pretty meh for a microbrew with a decent reputation.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , ,