Monthly Archives: July 2013

July 31, 2013 · 8:34 am

Rooftop Drinking

Drinking and people watching go together. That’s why rooftop drinking is so popular. Drinking makes you feel big and powerful, and so does watching people from high above. They go hand in hand. It’s fun watching the pedestrians below as they scurry around like ants for your amusement while you sip your nectar and feel like a god. It’s better than drinking on a balcony because you are higher up and have a better view. It’s more exciting, it’s more exhilarating, it’s all about the rooftop. You feel the wind, you see the lights, watch the cars, and take in the sights. Just don’t get too rowdy because gravity still applies. People have been known to fall off roofs and splattering to the pavement can put a damper on the evening. It sucks, but it happens. Be respectful of the edge and you should be all right.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 31, 2013 · 8:32 am

Hubert’s Mango Lemonade

Hubert’s Mango Lemonade is exactly what it sounds like – lemonade fused with mango. My little sister is allergic to mango. She will never experience the joy of this beverage. It only takes one sip to envision yourself laying out underneath a palm tree by the beach. It’s light, crisp, and exotic… the best way to describe it is to say that it tastes like summer. It’s a happy drink. It’s impossible to taste it and feel sad. Unless you’re my little sister and you’re allergic to mango. Everyone else can and should enjoy this beverage. If you’re looking for a lemonade with a tropical twist, then I recommend Hubert’s Mango Lemonade.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 30, 2013 · 9:38 am

A Rude Cashier

There’s a little liquor store a few blocks from my house that’s located directly across the street from my laundromat. I go in there for beer, snacks, and lotto tickets. It’s slightly overpriced, but it’s convenient so I go there a lot. It’s a mom and pop place, privately owned and not at all fancy. But the guy that owns it is a dick. I hate when he’s running the register because he’s always playing games on his phone or laptop, and he’ll ignore me until he finishes his round. He won’t look up from his game or even bother to grunt a greeting. I go into his store a few times a week, I’ve spent thousands of dollars there over the past few years, and I know that he recognizes me because he doesn’t card me when I buy booze. But he still ignores me whenever I try to pay. This place is too convenient for me to stop going to it. So I came up with a new technique for dealing with him: I place my items on the counter and slowly count to thirty. If he hasn’t started ringing them up within thirty seconds, I will leave them on the counter and walk out. If he doesn’t want my business, he won’t get my business, and now he has to put my shit away. It might seem a little harsh, but I think it’s perfectly called for. Thirty seconds is a long time. The next time someone says hi to you, ignore them for thirty seconds before you suddenly acknowledge their existence, and notice how long and uncomfortable that silence is. Sometimes the only way to deal with a rude cashier is to be an asshole yourself.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 30, 2013 · 9:35 am

8-Ball Stout

8-Ball Stout is an oatmeal stout from the Lost Cost Brewery in Eureka, California. Generally speaking, I’m not a big fan of stouts or porters, but occasionally I will grab one for a change of pace. It has a malty aroma with hints of coffee and chocolate. It tastes of coffee, toasty malts, chocolate, with subtle hints of caramel and a little hops thrown in for good measure. It’s creamy and smooth and is a very enjoyable brew. It has an alcohol content of 5.8%, which is pretty low for a stout. Most stouts are 7-8% or higher. But that just means that you can drink more than one bottle of 8-Ball before you start getting sleepy. If you like coffee and beer, then you like stouts. And if you like stouts, then you should try this one. Right now. What are you waiting for?

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 29, 2013 · 10:39 am

Something Sticky on Your Elbow

You’re doing chores around the house: sweeping, dusting, and generally cleaning up your living area. At some point you realize that you have something sticky on your elbow and you’re not quite sure what it is, where it came from, or how it got on your elbow in the first place. All you know is that it suddenly showed up and now nobody wants to touch your weenus. It’s the mystery factor that makes it more disturbing. It could be one of a million different things. It could be placenta or barbeque sauce or animal semen. And it’s on your elbow. All you can do is wash it off and pretend like it didn’t happen. Nobody wants a sticky elbow.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 29, 2013 · 10:37 am

Sitting Next To Someone With Bad Breath

The other day I was super hungover and was stuck next to a guy with rancid breath on the subway. I was already nauseous, but his breath was enough to make me puke. It took all my willpower to suppress the urge to yak all over the place. Luckily he got off after a few stops, another couple of minutes would have resulted in a disaster. Sometimes you are forced to sit next to someone with bad breath. And it sucks, because there is no polite way to tell them that it smells like they have a fermenting rotten tooth in their mouth. Sitting next to someone with bad breath is an art form. You have to act engaged in the conversation while constantly maneuvering to avoid getting a whiff of halitosis. They move in, you move back; they move away, and you reestablish your territory. It almost becomes a dance. You move and respond instinctively. Action, reaction. They invented breath mints for a reason. It’s too bad some people didn’t get the memo.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 28, 2013 · 8:09 am

Once Brothers (documentary)

Once Brothers is an ESPN 30 for 30 documentary about Vlade Divac and Dražen Petrović, two basketball players from Yugoslavia that were among the first Europeans to break into the NBA. They were close friends and teammates playing together on the Yugoslavia national basketball team. The film follows Vlade Divac’s journey of making the national basketball team, his friendship with star player Dražen Petrović, and their transition into the NBA. But then the Yugoslav war tears the two apart. If you paid attention in school, you might recall that the Yugoslav Wars, in which Yugoslavia broke up into different countries due to massive ethnic conflicts between different reasons. Vlade was from Serbia, Dražen was from Croatia, and that’s not a good mix. Plus one time Vlade disrespected the Croatian flag, and that pretty much ended their friendship. And they never got to make amends because Dražen went and got himself killed in a car accident. This is a great documentary about how politics, the real world, and sports impact each other. It makes you appreciate the past, but you can’t help but wonder what could have been.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 28, 2013 · 8:06 am

Ordering a Frozen Drink and Complaining That You Can’t Taste the Alcohol

One of the biggest pet peeves for anybody in the service industry is when somebody orders a frozen drink and then complains that they can’t taste the alcohol. No shit you can’t taste it, you just ordered a fucking frozen drink. The colder the drink, the less you can taste the alcohol. Blending booze and ice and sweet mixers is going to make your cocktail taste like a smoothie. It’s a waste of liquor. That’s why most places serve margaritas on the rocks as opposed to blended. There’s no point in getting a savory tequila if you’re not going to savor it. You want to be able to taste the liquor. Sometimes it’s really hot and you feel like a piña colada or strawberry daiquiri. That’s totally acceptable; just don’t complain to the bartender if you think it’s a virgin drink. It’s not. So shut up about it.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 27, 2013 · 9:46 am

Civil Union

My friend (well, more of as a casual acquaintance on Facebook than an actual friend) had a status the other day congratulating another friend on her civil union to her longtime girlfriend. I think that’s a backhanded compliment. A civil union is an insult, not to mention an obsolete phrase. Call it what it really is… it’s a fucking marriage. You’re stuck in the past if you call it a civil union, that’s like saying that their love isn’t valid. They got married, not civilly united. If you can’t accept that, then maybe you shouldn’t be congratulating them. Don’t pretend that you’re for equality if you don’t consider it a real marriage. It doesn’t matter if the state still calls it a civil union, we all know what it really is. It’s a marriage.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 27, 2013 · 9:42 am

Planning to Get Drunk

            One of the biggest signs that you might have a drinking problem is when you start planning to get drunk. You’ll tell yourself that you’re not an alcoholic; you just want to be prepared. You know that you’re going to want to drink all day and into the night and so you plan accordingly. So you’ll eat a big lunch. You’ll buy some food and snacks for later. You’ll buy an excessive amount of alcohol plus another twelve-pack just to play it safe. The last thing that you want is to run out of booze. You make sure that you have nothing to do and nowhere to go. You’re going to binge drink and there’s nothing that can stop you. Part of you feels guilty; the other part doesn’t give a fuck. Whatever, you won’t care after a few drinks anyway. It’s better to plan on getting drunk than drinking and driving, right?

            Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 25, 2013 · 9:51 am

Kenny vs. Spenny (TV show)

Kenny vs. Spenny was a Canadian comedy/reality show about two guys who challenge each other to a ridiculous contest each episode. They do everything from Who Can Stay Awake the Longest? to Who Can Drink More Beer? to Who Can Produce More Semen?… basically Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice made a show about all the stupid bets you made with your roommates in college, only they get paid for it.  Kenny is the creator of the show, and he has an outrageous personality. He has no problem with cheating and manipulating the crew if there’s a chance to win. Spencer is the straight man, he’s usually the victim of Kenny’s pranks, he plays by the rules, and he usually loses as a result of his integrity. The loser of each competition has to do something humiliating. The winner gets to gloat. You get to laugh your ass off at their hijinks. It’s a hilarious show and you can find most of the episodes on YouTube. It’s a great show to marathon through, and there’s no real continuity so you can jump around from season to season and just choose to watch whatever topics that appeal to you the most.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 25, 2013 · 9:48 am

Backward Emoticons

Emoticons are those little smiley face things that you use in text messages and on the Internet. They as common as expressions like LOL and JK and they often appear in conjunction with each other: “Hey babe, I need to take a shower. Want to join me? 🙂 LOL”. The traditional way to do an emoticon is to do the eyes first, then the nose, then the mouth. If you do it right, it will get autocorrected into a cartoon smiley. But there are a lot of rebels/idiots who make backward emoticons. It will look like (-: or (: and that’s the wrong way to do it. It looks like a frowny face at first glance. It looks weird because most people do it the right way. And it also doesn’t autocorrect, which is a big sign that you’re doing it wrong. And you look like an idiot if you can’t make a smiley face the right way. Just do what normal people do and avoid using backward emoticons. Eyes to the left, mouth to the right… left to right, it’s just like reading or writing. What a novel concept.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 24, 2013 · 9:55 am

Thinking You Know Somebody

You’re at the store waiting for the cashier and you think you recognize the guy that’s two spots ahead of you in line. But you’re not sure because he won’t turn around, and it’s hard to confirm somebody’s identity without seeing their face. You’re debating whether or not you should tap him on the shoulder, but you don’t want it to be awkward if you’re wrong. So you bite your tongue and settle on a leaving a message on his Facebook saying that you thought you saw him at the store. And he’ll respond and say that it was him and that you should have said hello. Other times you’ll pass by somebody that looks familiar, but you can’t remember who they are or how you know them. So you don’t say anything because you’re not sure if he’s really your forgotten friend or not. And even if he is your long-forgotten friend, you still have nothing to say to him. That’s why you forgot about him in the first place. Thinking that you know somebody generally isn’t a good enough reason to start a conversation. You better to be sure that you know the guy.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 24, 2013 · 9:51 am

Mexican Coke (soda, not the drug)

Coca-Cola is a classic American beverage that has been embraced by the whole world and we take a lot of pride in that fact. But Mexico makes better Coke than we do. They use real sugar and package them in glass bottles. Americans use high-fructose corn syrup and primarily package them in cans. You can taste the difference. Mexican coke is slightly sweeter and has less of an aftertaste, but it’s still Coca-Cola, just a better tasting version of it. It’s a little more expensive, but it’s worth it. I fancy myself an amateur soda connoisseur, and Mexican Coke has a place in my personal Top Five Best Sodas list. I’m not sure of it’s exact standing because I’ve never actually made a Top Five Best Sodas list, but it would be on there for sure. Mexican Coke is nostalgia in a bottle, you can experience what real Coke used to taste like.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 23, 2013 · 9:50 am

Selling Your Soul

Would you sell your soul? Most people wouldn’t. It doesn’t matter if they really believe in souls or not, they are still somewhat reluctant to sell them. I wouldn’t sell my soul, but I have no problem with buying souls. I actually bought some souls back in high school. I got three idiots to sign a piece of paper that gave me ownership of their souls for all eternity. I didn’t even give them any money; they just gave them to me. The contract was phrased in a way that I can’t give them back even if I wanted to. If souls actually exist, then I have four of them. That puts me up in Voldemort territory. I use my extra souls whenever I do bad things. It keeps my own soul clean and clear of sins. I wouldn’t recommend selling your soul, but if somebody is dumb enough to offer you theirs, you should take it. And then you should go to Vegas and rack up a bunch of sins on that soul tab because you won’t get stuck with the charges.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 23, 2013 · 9:47 am

An Efficient Cab Driver

I live in the Sunset District of San Francisco and that means that cab drivers hate me. I live too far away and it’s not profitable for them to take me all the way out there. But they have to take me because it’s the law and I don’t take any bullshit. That’s when you seen an angry and bitter cabbie show off his driving skills. He switches lanes and maneuvers around cars with graceful ease. He screeches to a halt at stop signs at the last possible moment, and guns the engine after the briefest of moments. He starts mumbling and groaning and tapping his hands on the steering wheel when he gets stuck at a red light and then he floors it a half second before the light changes to green. An efficient cab driver is like a machine; he’s all about getting the job down as quickly and with as much precision as possible. Every second matters and he wastes absolutely no time in getting you from Point A to Point B as fast as he can. Don’t confuse an efficient cab driver with a rude driver; he’s just trying to get another fare as soon as he’s able to. It’s all about the turn and burn.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 22, 2013 · 10:03 am

Draining the Hot Water

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from, you always have to haze the new guy. Servers are no different. You send the rookie out to accomplish an impossible task. Different restaurants do different things, but draining the hot water is one of the best and most traditional ways to haze somebody new. The premise is simple: you ask them to drain the hot water from the coffee machine. Most industrial coffee machines have a hose keeps it constantly supplied with water, but the newbie doesn’t know that. They will stand there and fill pitcher after pitcher until they eventually give up out of frustration or have somebody take pity on them and tell them it’s a prank. Either way the victim feels stupid and everyone else laughs at him. But it’s not an insult; it’s a form of initiation. If you ever find yourself draining hot water, the only way to redeem yourself is to wait a few months until they rehire and then get the new guy. It’s the circle of life.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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