Tag Archives: stain

Toilet Brush

A toilet brush is a device that you use to scrub dirty toilets. It gets rid of shit stains and that nasty ring of filth that accumulates around the water line. Everyone poops but you don’t want to see the physical evidence of it. That’s why you flush the toilet (well, that and for hygiene). I poop twice a day on average, once in the morning and again when I come home from work or wherever. If it’s a particularly nasty shit, I feel compelled to break out the toilet brush and clean up a little bit. I’m not trying to impress anyone, I’m trying to keep others from being disgusted. I’m considerate like that I guess. I’m writing about toilet brushes because I bought a new one today. Pretty exciting, I know. It only cost two bucks at the store. I think that’s a good price, but I don’t really know the average retail price for toilet brushes. I was willing to pay five bucks for one. Two bucks was a steal. I think I’ll give out toilet brushes as stocking stuffers for Christmas this year. They are a cheap yet practical gift. I’ve thought about this too much. I’m going to go drink beer now.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Crayon In My Laundry

Today was the first day off in a few weeks where I had the chance to do laundry. I took all my dirty clothes to the laundromat, plunked down a few quarters, and started to wash them. I came back after thirty minutes to throw my clothes into the drier. As I was transferring my clothes from the washer to the drier, I found a piece of a yellow crayon. I tossed it away and didn’t think much of it. I came back thirty minutes later to get my clothes and that’s when I discovered that remnants from the yellow crayon had survived the transition from the washer to the drier and melted onto a bunch of my shirts, jeans, socks, and boxers. Melted yellow crayon looks a lot like mustard stains in case you were wondering. It looks like I got in a fight with a hot dog and got my ass kicked. It’s fucking bullshit. I don’t even know where that fucking crayon came from. Who carries around yellow crayons? I’m a little placated because I also found a twenty-dollar bill in the wash. But twenties don’t remove crayon stains so I’m still pissed off. Hashtag first world problems.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Getting a New Stain Right After You Did Laundry

You’ve been putting off doing laundry for a few weeks until you finally crack and drag your dirty clothes to the Laundromat. You spend a few hours and a few quarters cleaning your clothes, and you feel accomplished and proud when you finally finish. You decide to celebrate your laundry victory by wearing a warm, clean shirt straight from the dryer. You’ll be wearing that shirt for about ten minutes before you dribble coffee down the front. Getting a new stain right after you did laundry is inevitable. The universe always knows when you’ve done laundry, and the universe will try to rectify the situation by getting your clothes dirty again. The universe wants you to waste quarters.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Lipstick on Wine Glasses

Here’s your fun fact for the day: it’s called lipstick because it sticks to glass. I’ve worked in a few different restaurants and every single one of them has had a problem with lipstick on wine glasses. It’s not like they don’t clean the glasses. They rinse them off, wash them, and sanitize them. But sanitizer doesn’t remove lipstick. But at least it’s a sterilized lipstick stain. The best way to remove the lipstick is to use a little soda water on a bev nap and wipe it off. It’s won’t be clean, but it will look clean. You can splash some more sanitizer on it if it makes you feel better. There’s no way to avoid lipstick on wine glasses unless you ban chicks from wearing lipstick, and that’s not going to happen. The easiest way to remedy the situation is to serve wine in lipstick-colored glasses. They can’t send it back if they can’t see the stains.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Leaking Pen

You’re on the phone with the cable company and you need to jot down a number real quick, so you grab a pen and scribble it down. You don’t think anything of it until a few minutes later when you finally realize that you have ink all over your hands. The thick black ink stains your hands and taints everything that you touch. It’s kind of like getting tarred and feathered without the feathers. I’m a server and carry around five pens in my apron. Every once in a while I’ll notice that one of my pens is broken, but it’s not clear which one is defective. I have to inspect each pen to find the leaking one. But I never throw it away, I just offer it to another server so that I’m not the only one covered in ink. The best part is that they think I did them a favor by giving them a free pen.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Mustard Stain

I like mustard but it doesn’t like me. It’s always trying to escape from my sandwich and attack my shirt. It usually succeeds too. You can tell whenever I had a sandwich or a hot dog for lunch by the enormous mustard stain on my shirt. It’s always mustard too. I don’t have these problems with mayo or ketchup or any other condiment. Mustard just has it in for me. Oh well, I’d rather have a mustard stain on my shirt than Sriracha is my eye.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Shart

Everyone experiences gas; it’s nothing to be embarrassed of. But sometimes you want to suppress your flatulence and that’s when bad things happen. You’ll try to be discrete and let one silently slip out but a little something else escapes. You have just experienced a shart. It’s a fart with a little extra cheese. The first thing to do after you shart is to assess the damage. Carefully shuffle to the bathroom and check for stains and/or nuggets. Stains are manageable, but nuggets (haha, butt nuggets) mean you pooped yourself and need a new pair of pants. You’d rather shart than shit yourself, neither is particularly fun though.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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