Monthly Archives: January 2015

January 30, 2015 · 8:41 pm

Is It Baseball Season Yet?

We are in the midst of an epidemic right now. We are smack dab in the middle of baseball’s offseason. Spring training is only a few weeks away and we are all eagerly awaiting. There isn’t much going on right now. Football is practically over. You can either root for the Patriots or the Seahawks. That’s boring. Basketball just reached its halfway point. Kobe is injured and Michael Jordan retired a long time ago. Hockey is… well, I don’t pay attention to the NHL so I’ll just assume it’s still there not being relevant. That leaves baseball, or the lack there of. Right now there are countless Americans meeting at bars and water coolers across the country asking each other “Is it baseball season yet?” It will be soon. And I can’t wait.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 29, 2015 · 2:03 pm

Slice of Gum

I had a friend in high school who would ask me for a slice of gum almost every single day. Not a stick of gum. A slice of gum. That’s what he called it. He knew what he was doing because he would also ask for a slice of paper during class. He liked to call things slices I guess. And he really liked asking for stuff too. Anyway, slice of gum sounds better. I think that’s what it should be called. He was really onto something there. Anyone can have a stick of gum or a piece of gum. I want a slice. A slice of gum would really hit the spot.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 29, 2015 · 2:02 pm

Bloody Mary

A Bloody Mary is a popular cocktail. It’s vodka with tomato juice and spices and other flavors. It typically includes salt, pepper, lemon or lime juice, Worcestershire, and some sort of hot sauce like Tabasco or Red Hot. It’s often elaborately garnished with a lime wedge, olives, celery, maybe a pickle or onion, and it’s increasingly common to serve it with bacon, beef jerky, or some other smoked/salted hunk of meat. It’s one of those drinks that you grow to love. You probably don’t like your first sip of a Bloody Mary, but the taste grows on you. It cures hangovers and helps start new ones. A good Bloody Mary always starts with a good Bloody Mary mix. You don’t want anything that comes readymade from a bottle. You want to make it fresh. A good bartender takes pride in their cocktails and a Bloody Mary is one of the most complex drinks you can order. If it’s good, the bartender is too. As Vanilla Ice once said, “anything less than the best is a felony.”

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 28, 2015 · 8:38 pm

When You Think You Clicked a Link But You Didn’t

I hate when you think you clicked a link but you didn’t. You’ll be on Facebook and see an interesting link that somebody shared. You click it and wait for it to load. After a couple of seconds you’ll start to realize that something is wrong and nothing is happening. You’ll wait a few more seconds because you don’t want to be impatient. Then it starts to dawn on you that you never double-clicked. You didn’t access the link. You’re waiting for nothing because you didn’t do anything. All you can do is pretend like it didn’t happen and re-click the link. You might want to click it a few times just to be sure. The worst part is that the article is never worth reading. You wasted all that time waiting for it to load for nothing. You’re a few minutes closer to death and you have nothing to show for it. Especially if you were waiting for this article to load. Good job.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 28, 2015 · 8:37 pm

Three Years

Three years is a long time. That’s most of high school. It’s nothing to scoff at. Today is the three-year anniversary of CriticallyRated.com. I’ve been blogging for three years now. That’s a lot of movies, television shows, books, and random rants to write about and judge. And I’m still going strong. The world gives me a million things to write about everyday. I only write about one or two. There are still billions of more things for me to experience, write about, criticize, and rate. The world is my oyster. This blog is my pearl. It’s where all the things I deal about day to day can be organized, sorted, and categorized. A lot of things in my life have changed over the past three years. I’m glad that CriticallyRated.com is still something that we can all depend on. Thanks for reading, thanks for sharing, and thanks for being so awesome. You’re all beautiful people and I really like your shirt. It matches your eyes.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 27, 2015 · 11:36 pm

Saran Wrap Over the Toilet

April Fool’s Day is rapidly approaching. I know it’s not the end of January yet. I know we still have all of February and all of March. That doesn’t mean that we should neglect our duty to prank everyone and anyone we can. One of the simplest and most timeless pranks is to put Saran Wrap over the toilet. Your victim will use the toilet to either take a piss or take a shit. The Saran Wrap will keep their excrement from being easily flushable. They will do their business and see that it doesn’t go anywhere. Doesn’t that sound like fun? It is. Try it today and see for yourself.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 26, 2015 · 12:47 pm

The Interview

The Interview is a 2014 comedy about two American journalists being tasked with assassinating Kim Jong-un. It would have been a typical stoner flick but North Korea heard about it, got all butt hurt, and hacked Sony in retaliation. They prevented the film from getting a wide release in theaters, but they failed spectacularly because of all the free publicity they generated for the film. It was quite a successful marketing ploy; it guaranteed that this movie will forever be remembered for all the hoopla it caused.

The film was written by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, and Dan Sterling. It was directed by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg. It stars Seth Rogen and James Franco. Seth Rogen is pretty talented in case you haven’t figured it out yet. Rogen plays Aaron Rapoport, the producer of an entertainment news show called Skylark Tonight. Franco plays Dave Skylark, the pompous host of Skylark Tonight. Randall Park plays Kim Jong-un, the crazy dictator of North Korea and a huge fan of Skylark Tonight. He’s such a fan that he wants to be on the show and arranges for Aaron and Dave to come out to North Korea to interview him. The CIA hears about the interview and they enlist Aaron and Dave to assassinate him.

It’s a political comedy filled with bathroom humor. One second you’re laughing at propaganda, the next second you’re laughing at fart jokes. It’s reminiscent of Team America: World Police but the humor is a little more down to earth. Team America’s cruel dictator was an obvious stereotype. He was shorter than all the other puppets, he had a ridiculous accent, and was clearly the embodiment of evil. The Interview’s dictator was more realistic. Randall Park plays him as shy and insecure. He want’s Dave Skylark’s approval because he looks up to him. He has daddy issues and all he wants is to be respected. That’s why it’s a bit more startling when his crazy side comes out.

It’s not a great movie. This Is the End and Pineapple Express are both better than The Interview, but The Interview feels more like a complete film. Rogen is starting to mature and a writer, director, and actor and his films are starting to tackle more social and political issues. They still retain humor and heart, but he’s becoming more worldly and it shows. The film was just released on Netflix; I suggest that you watch it. It won’t change your life, but it will make you laugh and that’s what every comedy should do.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 26, 2015 · 12:45 pm

Snow is Special

Snow is special. Every nation on the planet has sunshine and rain, but not everybody gets to experience snow. It’s not a big deal if you grew up with blizzards every winter, but snow becomes an event if you didn’t. You remember the first time you saw snow on a road trip. You made the driver pull over so you could run to the side of the road and pack a brown, muddy snowball to throw at your sister. You remember the first time you looked up at the sky and saw snowflakes falling slowly to the ground. You remember the first time you went sledding, or skiing, or snowboarding. Snow is a burden to people that have to deal with it for months at a time. It’s a miracle if you only see it a few times in your lifetime. Snow is special. So are you.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 25, 2015 · 6:24 pm

Listening to People Having Sex

Sex is a beautiful thing, a natural part of life. Listening to people having sex is a part of life too, albeit a shitty part of life. You hear groans and grunts, moans and creaking, skin slapping, and heavy panting, and you hope that you don’t sound like that but you know that you do. The worst thing about listening to people having sex is that you’re not getting any. You try your best to ignore it but it’s a futile exercise. You’re going to hear it and it’s going to be slightly awkward when you see them the next day. But we all went to college, and I’m sure we’ve all fooled around when there were other people in the room. It’s kind of funny that we don’t appreciate listening to people having sex but we have no problem with other people hearing us having sex. You want people to know that you’re having sex. One of the perks of getting laid is getting other people jealous that you’re getting laid.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 23, 2015 · 10:13 pm

Wrath of Ones

There are special names for groups of things. It’s a school of fish, a pride of lions, a murder of crows. I propose that we call a bunch of one-dollar bills a wrath of ones. No server or stripper wants to deal with a wad of ones. It’s a hassle. You can’t do much with a dollar today. You have to go to the bank and deposit them on a regular basis. You can only go on so many shopping sprees at the dollar store. Shit gets old after a while. It should be called a wrath of ones because that’s precisely what it is. It’s a curse. It’s why people prefer credit cards over cash.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 22, 2015 · 6:03 pm

Red Pen

Think back to the worst test you ever took in high school. Remember how the teacher handed it back to you folded up so nobody else could see how badly you did. Remember the blow to your gut when you opened it up and saw nothing but red circles and red scribbles all over it, and a big fat red F at the top. Red ink hurts. It has power. And I will use it to my advantage. I think I will invest in a red pen or permanent marker and start editing all the things that bug me. I’m a Grammar Nazi, what can I say? It’s hereditary. My mom’s an English teacher and she instilled a large amount of respect for the language in me. I get annoyed when I see typos and grammatical mishaps. I feel compelled to correct them. It sucks having other people’s stupidity triggering my OCD, but I think a red pen would help relieve my stress.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 22, 2015 · 6:02 pm

Wine Key

A wine key is a corkscrew used to open wine. It is sometimes called a waiter’s friend or a sommelier knife. It’s similar in design to a pocketknife and feature a folding corkscrew and a small blade for cutting the foil around the top of the bottle. There are better corkscrews out there, but wine keys are the most practical, transportable, and handy. Any decent waiter, bartender, Frenchman, or alcoholic has one. Everybody should have one really, especially if you drink wine. You don’t want to be stuck drinking Franzia forever.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 21, 2015 · 12:56 pm

Someone with a Famous Name

I know George Romero. Correction, I know a George Romero. He didn’t direct all those zombie flicks, he just happens to be named George Romero. Everyone knows someone with a famous name. I’m sure you have a friend with the same moniker as a celebrity. You should take advantage of it. Try namedropping and you’ll see how much easier it is to get reservations at a restaurant or to get a table at the club. Feign ignorance if the managers or security gives you shit for it. I said “Zack Efron,” not “Zac Efron.” I can see how you’d be confused, but it’s not my fault my name got famous. It’s still your table even if you duped them into it. Don’t feel too bad.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 21, 2015 · 12:55 pm

Inside the Clubhouse: Dynasty

SFG Productions presents Inside the Clubhouse: Dynasty, a documentary about the 2014 San Francisco Giants postseason. It’s a 45-minute recap of the team’s victories and greatest plays on their way to their third World Series title in five years. It’s awesome if you’re a Giants fan, not so much if you’re a Pirates fan/Nationals fan/Cardinals fan/Royals fan. It seemed like each Giants player had a moment to shine during the playoffs (although Mad Bum stole the spotlight). This program lets you relive all the torture, tension, and glorious relief as the Giants ultimately take a dramatic Game 7. The documentary raises the question about whether or not the Giants are a dynasty. The answer is yes. Yes, they are. The film is currently available online but I don’t know for how long, so you should watch it now. Like right now. Here’s the link below. You’re welcome. http://sanfrancisco.giants.mlb.com/sf/fan_forum/gen/index.jsp

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 20, 2015 · 1:51 pm

Detective John Munch

There have been television crossovers for as long as there’s been television programming. Characters from one show will appear on another show, indicating that they take place in the same universe. The Flintstones met the Jetsons, the Simpsons met the Griffins, the Critic, and the Futurama gang. All the TGIF shows were interlinked. But sometimes TV shows are connected by less obvious characters, chief amongst them is Detective John Munch (played by Richard Belzer). Detective Munch first appeared on NBC’s Homicide: Life on the Street. When that show ended, Munch become a regular on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. But the character has popped up on a couple of other shows on a few different networks. He made a brief appearance in HBO’s The Wire, and he also was in an episode of Arrested Development and in The X-Files (both on FOX).

Don’t you see what all that means? The gritty world of The Wire, Homicide, and all the Law & Order shows also take place in the zany world of Arrested Development and the supernatural world of The X-Files. Detective John Munch is in all those shows, and that means they are in the same universe. You can go further into it and realize this universe includes all the crossovers with other TV shows associated with Law & Order, Arrested Development, The X-Files, and The Wire. There’s a really good article about this Grand Unification Theory written by Dwayne McDuffie. You should check it out if you still feel like reading even more about this topic than you already have. I’ve included the link for your convenience here:

http://www.slushfactory.com/content/EpupypyZAZTDOLwdfz.php

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 20, 2015 · 1:47 pm

A New Strain of Marijuana?

High Times recently published an article about a new strain of cannabis discovered in Australia’s Blue Mountains. Most stoners could talk your ear off about the benefits of sativa, indica, or ruderalis (which has a lesser THC content so it’s less popular), but a new strain raises a lot of questions. Questions like what does it smoke like? and where can I get it?… Researchers have merely confirmed that it is indeed a new strain but they don’t have any seeds, only the sample of a single plant. Without any seeds we can’t cultivate anything. It’s up to 420-friendly hikers in the Australian Blue Mountains to find a seed and bring it back for the benefit of mankind. So get on it if you’re down under. You gave the world Crocodile Dundee and Steve Irwin, but you haven’t done much for us lately. A new strain of marijuana would make for a great comeback.http://www.hightimes.com/read/new-strain-cannabis-discovered

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 19, 2015 · 9:35 pm

Leaving Your Sandals at a Restaurant

I’ve been a server for over nine years now. It pays the bills, it’s a lot of fun, and it’s a source for endless anecdotes. I’ve seen people from all over the world and I thought that I’ve seen it all, but I had a new one the other day. It was a busy Saturday lunch shift and the rush had just ended. I had four tables pay out and leave around the same time. I took the dirty plates and silverware off the table, ran them to the dishwasher, and came back to sweep under the tables. That’s when I discovered a pair of flip-flop sandals left underneath a booth. Someone actually forgot about their footware. He or she got up and walked out of the premises barefoot without noticing a thing. And they didn’t ever come back for them. They just left, said fuck it, and moved on with their day. I don’t know how that’s possible. We’re not talking about a credit card or a cellphone here. It’s very easy to forget those things. It’s damn near impossible to forget your shoes unless you’re Aborigine. You’d think that as soon as you’d walk outside you would realize that something’s wrong. There’s a lesson to be learned in all this: Leaving your sandals at a restaurant will result in a flabbergasted server blogging about it.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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