Monthly Archives: April 2016

April 24, 2016 · 12:40 pm

Creature Comfort Vending Machine

I went to work with a slight cold the other day. I had a tickle in my throat and was coughing every now and then. I asked around for a cough drop but nobody had any. That gave me an idea for a creature comfort vending machine. Instead of being stocked with drinks and snacks, it would be stocked with items like cough drops, aspirin, vitamins, Band-Aids, little tubes of toothpaste, travel-sized sticks of deodorant, pocket tissues… basically a vending machine like a pharmacy without all the pills. It would be quick and convenient and you wouldn’t have to explain your purchases to a judgmental cashier. I think there would be a lot of demand for such a machine. In fact, I know it’s a good idea because they already invented it. I only found out when I searched for an image to use. I’m too lazy to write a new blog post, so let’s just pretend that they stole my idea. The creature comfort vending machine: coming soon to a break room near you.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 21, 2016 · 9:02 pm

Shadow Kite

Last Sunday was a gorgeous day. My roommate and I both had it off. We decided to celebrate by day drinking on the beach. Half of San Francisco had the same idea as us. There was a ton of people out, doing everything you’d expect people to be doing on the beach. There were sunbathers, swimmers, surfers, dog walkers, people playing catch, little kids building sand castles, and some people flying kites. We found a decent spot to set up shop, threw our towels down, laid out, cracked open our tall boys, and watched the waves and the people around us. The sun was hot and there was very little wind, making it seem even hotter. At one point there was a couple of young kids walking down the beach while carrying a pair of kites. They walked passed us and their kites cast a brief shadow overhead, giving us a quick break from the sun’s unrelenting rays. But the shade went away as soon as the kids did and we relapsed into the heat. That gave my roommate a revelation.

“We need a big ass kite,” he said. “And we let it get really high above us, and we can rest in its shade. We need a shadow kite.” It was a great idea. I wish I thought of it, but I didn’t. My roommate did. His name is Jerry. If you know Jerry, or ever meet Jerry, you should tell him that shadow kites are a great idea. It’s thinking outside of the box and he should be commended for it. Don’t be surprised if you see Jerry launching a Kickstarter campaign for shadow kites, the coolest way to keep cool at the beach. People like kites, and they like being in the shade on a hot day. A shadow kite gives you the best of both worlds.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 19, 2016 · 8:53 pm

Slowly Realizing That You’re Sitting Next to a Homeless Guy

I took the train to work the other day. It was in the middle of morning rush hour so the train was pretty crowded. I spotted an empty seat, sat down in it, and considered myself lucky. At least at first. It only took me a few minutes to acknowledge that there was a pungent smell creeping into my nostrils. Something wasn’t right. Something wasn’t right at all. I glanced at the dude next to me. I noticed his ragged jeans, his stained shirt, his overstuffed backpack, and his well-worn sleeping bag. I sat down right next to a homeless guy. I chose the wrong seat. I sat there and suffered for a few minutes until I was able to slink into another empty seat. I sat there and watched a few more people make the same mistake. I left my headphones at home; I had to entertain myself somehow. Slowly realizing that you’re sitting next to a homeless guy is not a good way to start your morning. You know that you’re groggy, but now you have proof that you’re unprepared for the world. You weren’t paying attention to your surroundings. Now you have to deal with it. Ahh, the joys of public transportation.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 15, 2016 · 8:16 pm

Campfire Smell

I went camping in Yosemite a week ago. It was a short trip, only three days and two nights in one of the most amazing places on Earth, but it was well worth it. I came back with dirt on my face and the lingering aroma of campfire on my clothes. It smelled smoky, musty, and real. I love that campfire smell. It’s a noseful of happy memories that cling to your clothes and hair. It’s very distinct and powerful. It’s not an odor for everyone. Some people hate that campfire smell. Those people are usually bitter and should leave the great outdoors for people who actually appreciate it. I don’t want to smell like campfire all the time. I want to smell like that when I’m camping or when I just came back from camping. Occasionally I will have a bonfire on the beach and go the bars after, sporting the campfire smell like a badge of honor. I’m not ashamed of reeking like a campfire. If I smell like a campfire, that means I was around a campfire. And I’d rather bask in the glow of a campfire than the glow of a TV. I’d rather live than merely exist I guess.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 13, 2016 · 3:43 pm

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

I finally got around to seeing Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice last night. I’m slacking, I know. It’s the sequel to 2013’s Man of Steel and Zack Snyder returns to direct, while Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Laurence Fishburne, and Diane Lane reprise their roles as Superman, Lois Lane, Perry White, and Martha Kent respectively. New to the series is Ben Affleck as Batman/Bruce Wayne, Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor, Jeremy Irons as Alfred Pennyworth, and Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman/Diana Prince. It’s also the feature film debut of Aquaman, Cyborg, and the Flash but they only appear for a few moments on screen. Even though it’s a sequel to Man of Steel, Superman takes a backseat to Batman in this movie. There are more heroes and villains and bigger action sequences, but the film seems like a step backward. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t exciting. It was pretty disappointing.

The film was too bleak. It’s supposed to be a comic book movie. They were trying to capture the gritty realism of The Dark Knight but the studio doesn’t seem to realize that Superman is not dark and gritty. Wonder Woman is not dark and gritty. Lex Luthor is not dark and gritty. It should have been more campy and upbeat. There were hardly any jokes or humor. It wasn’t fun. Comic book movies should be fun. The action sequences were bigger than the ones in Man of Steel, but the action wasn’t as good. Snyder likes to speed up and slow down the action and that worked really well in Man of Steel because it captured the power of Superman. It made him seem unworldly and godlike. You don’t get that feeling in Dawn of Justice. Superman isn’t as impressive. It feels tired.

It’s not a terrible movie, but it did not live up to the hype. The plot was meh. The characters were meh. The acting was meh. Like Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor? Lex Luthor is one of the most formidable villains in the DC Universe. Jesse Eisenberg is not formidable in the slightest. It’s like casting a pug to play Cujo. It doesn’t work and it brings down the film’s integrity. DC and Warner Bros. were using this flick as their foundation for their Justice League franchise. There are a lot of cracks. Doesn’t seem like Marvel has much to worry about competition wise.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 9, 2016 · 2:56 pm

Being on TV

Everyone wants to be a little famous. You want people to know who you are. It’s human nature. That’s why everyone gets so excited about being on TV. You see it all the time. There’s always some jackass waving his arms and ruining the shot whenever a reporter is doing a live segment on location. People will make clever signs to get camera time at sporting events. They’ll sign the consent form to show their face on Cops. They’ll talk about shit they don’t know about if it means that they’ll be on the 6 o’clock news. I know because I’ve done it. I’m guilty, I’ll admit it. Being on TV is always a thrill. I once saw myself shaking my head in disbelief on SportsCenter Top 10 in the background of a botched SF Giants play. I once camped out all night on the street to get into The Price is Right during Bob Barker’s last year. It was worth it. I was on TV. National TV. Millions of people saw me even if they don’t know it. That doesn’t make me a celebrity but I still feel like one. Get on TV if you haven’t and you’ll see what I mean.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 4, 2016 · 7:01 pm

Camping

I’m going camping in Yosemite for a few days with a couple of friends. I can’t wait to escape the city and get back to nature. I’m going to turn off my phone and go completely off the grid. Facebook can wait until I come back. Camping is when you deliberately choose to sleep outside somewhere in nature for recreational purposes. Occasionally you build a fire and roast wieners over it. Or s’mores. I was brought up camping and so I’ve accumulated a lot of supplies over the years. I have a tent, down sleeping bags, a backpacking stove and fuel, a water filter, flashlights, multi-tools, knives, rope, duct tape, first aid kit, matches, lighters, compass, magnifying glass, a metal spork/bottle opener… I’m pretty much prepared for the zombie apocalypse so camping is a piece of cake. Everyone should go camping at least once. There will be bugs and dirt. Don’t be alarmed. That’s normal.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 3, 2016 · 3:18 pm

Seat Scurry

I was waiting for my train at a busy stop, jostling against the other commuters and vying for a position that would best ensure me a seat. The train pulled up slowly, the doors opened, a few people got off, and then the seat scurry began. A seat scurry is a frenzy of angry commuters looking for a spot to sit. You’ll mostly witness it during rush hour, but it could also happen whenever there are too many people waiting at one spot. Everyone feels like they are the ones who are most entitled to a seat and they will shove other people out of the way to get one. It doesn’t matter if you’re pregnant, disabled, or old. If you can’t get to a seat, you aren’t getting one unless somebody takes pity on you. And people are assholes so nobody will take pity on you. Common courtesy is long gone. Chivalry is dead. Manners are extinct. Nowhere is that more apparent than during a seat scurry.

Critically at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Riders board through the back door of 38 Geary bus during afternoon rush hour. 05/08/12, Market and Post

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