Monthly Archives: September 2014

September 29, 2014 · 9:05 pm

Mail

I have nostalgia for the days when mail wasn’t a novelty. It was a real thing. You would check your mailbox, not a virtual mailbox, a real fucking physical mailbox that that mailman would put actual letters in. And not just letters, but postcards, bills, and coupons. My sisters and I would actually fight over who had the privilege of checking the mailbox. But mail has been phased out by the internet and technology. Why would you write on a piece of paper and walk to the mailbox when you can pick up your phone and send a picture of your junk to anyone in the world instantly? The only reason to still write letters is because nobody writes letters anymore so it’s much more personal. It shows that you put time and effort into it. It shows that you care. That’s got to mean something.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 29, 2014 · 9:04 pm

Brisk Half & Half Blueberry Lemonade

I went to 7-Eleven with the munchies the other day and left with a six-pack of beer, some chips, and a bottle of Brisk Half & Half Blueberry Lemonade. It’s basically an Arnold Palmer, which is half iced tea and half lemonade, but with blueberry-flavored lemonade instead of regular lemonade. It’s blue in color with a little purple tint. It tastes alright, but it’s a little too much on the sweet side. It has a syrupy-candy flavor and is too sugary to be refreshing. It’s not healthy, nor does it pretend to be. It’s a fucking blue soda. There’s no way that it’s good for you. And it has the unfortunate side effect of turning your tongue blue. It makes you look like you blew a Smurf.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 28, 2014 · 1:44 pm

Jake Lloyd

Jake Lloyd is a former child star most famous for playing young Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. He’s blamed (along with Jar Jar Binks) for ruining the movie. Never mind the fact that George Lucas wrote the script, directed the film, and had ultimate control over everything. It’s the kid’s fault for destroying everyone’s favorite film franchise. Jake Lloyd was a decent actor for a little kid, but it’s hard to create a satisfying movie persona when you’re working with CG characters and green screens and a shitty script. The negative response to the flick was enough to cause Lloyd to quit acting and drop out of the public view. He occasionally pops up at conventions to make a quick buck, and he has no qualms about admitting how much he hates being associated with Anakin. The Phantom Menace ruined his life, but then again, that movie ruined a lot of peoples’ lives.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 28, 2014 · 1:42 pm

Do Shit/Douche It

The other day I heard a coworker bitching about another coworker and how his lazy ass doesn’t do shit. She said do shit, but I heard douche it, and that made me laugh. It made me laugh a lot. You see, they sound very similar, but douche it is much more crass and that makes it much more funny. It makes you wonder why she would complain about a guy who doesn’t douche it. He doesn’t do shit, he doesn’t even douche it. Personally I don’t care if he doesn’t do shit, but I really don’t want to see him douche it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 27, 2014 · 6:55 pm

Chilled Pint Glass

I have an awesome roommate. She’s clean, respectful, she likes to cook and she makes extra for me to eat, and she always keeps a couple of pint glasses in the freezer. Nothing brings out the flavor of a beer like a chilled pint glass or a nice frosty mug after a long day at work. It’s hard to improve a quality craft brew, but pouring a bottle into a chilled pint glass is always a good start. You don’t want to drink from the bottle or a can anyway. Start keeping a few glasses in the freezer and experience beer the way you should. Be be forewarned, you can’t go back once you’ve start using chilled pint glasses. You wouldn’t want to anyway, but you are going to lose valuable freezer space.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 26, 2014 · 7:32 pm

Beverly Hills Cop

Beverly Hills Cop is the biggest blockbuster film of 1984 and is the movie that turned Eddie Murphy into a star. Murphy stars as Axel Foley, a Detroit cop who goes to Beverly Hills to solve his friend’s murder. This is one of those movies that everyone needs to see at least once. It’s your typical fish-out-of-water comedy/buddy cop flick and parts of it are dated, but it still holds up today for the most part. Some of the gags are decidedly ‘80s, the soundtrack is terrible (except for Axel’s theme), and the action scenes are kind of tame. Nitpicky stuff aside, Eddie Murphy and director Martin Brest created a classic.

Axel Foley is a street-smart cop who plays by his own rules. His best friend is killed, and Axel goes to Beverly Hills to find out why. He discovers that his friend was involved in an elaborate smuggling ring, and its up to Axel to shut it down. Axel Foley is the main character, but he doesn’t really have an arc. He doesn’t learn anything. He’s the same at the end of the movie as he is in the beginning. He doesn’t change. The two characters that change the most are Rosewood and Taggart, the Beverly Hills cops that reluctantly come to respect Axel. Rosewood’s transformation is the film’s most satisfying.

Beverly Hills Cop launched Eddie’s Murphy career and lead to two inferior sequels. It became a franchise. Watch it if you haven’t yet and find out why.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 26, 2014 · 2:12 pm

Bad Lip Reading

Bad Lip Reading is a YouTube channel that takes clips from movies, TV shows, news stories, songs, etc. and dubs over the dialog to make the actors/artists/news reporters say ridiculous things. A dramatic scene quickly becomes a humorous one as the characters seem to babble on incoherently about random things. The creator of Bad Lip Reading chooses to stay anonymous, but he’s definitely has an unusual talent. Lip reading is hard enough to do, but it’s harder to find alternate words and phrases that match the lip movements of the subject. Go to YouTube and search for Bad Lip Reading videos. There’s something for everyone. They have The Walking Dead, NFL, politicians, Twilight, Rebecca Black… There’s sure to be a Bad Lip Reading video that appeals to you. Humans are the most intelligent creatures on the planet, and Bad Lip Reading is one of the crowning peaks of our accomplishments. Check it out for yourself and see why.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 24, 2014 · 9:16 pm

Lay’s Cappuccino Potato Chips

You might have noticed the surge of oddly flavored potato chips hitting the market the past year or so. Sriracha. Chicken & Waffles. Wasabi Ginger. And Cappuccino. Yes, Cappuccino. Potato chips that taste like cappuccino. I saw them and I had to buy them. Because they are fucking potato chips that taste like cappuccino. I bought the bag, took it home, opened it up, and took a whiff. It smells like coffee. Salty coffee with a hint of stale milk. I was slightly worried, but I still picked up a chip. I studied it before I popped it into my mouth. It looked like a chip covered with instant coffee powder. Then I popped it into my mouth. It tasted like a chip covered with instant coffee powder. None of the flavors really mesh well, and they all cancel each other out. It’s a crunchy texture with a bland sweetness and a hint of coffee. I wouldn’t say that it’s salty but you can still taste salt, it’s just lost in the flavor confusion. There’s a touch of cinnamon, but it’s barely detectable. Lay’s Cappuccino Potato Chips look a lot more intimidating than they really are. They aren’t good, they aren’t bad. They are more of a novelty than a snack.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 24, 2014 · 9:14 pm

Nerds (candy)

Nerds are a tiny, tangy crunchy candy made by the Willy Wonka Candy Company. They aren’t made by the real Willy Wonka; he’s a made-up literary character. They are made by the fake Willy Wonka; they are candy company created by business moguls to exploit the literary character. Nerds typically come in a cardboard box with a divider separating two different flavors. But they also make small individual-size boxes with only one flavor for Halloween, Valentine’s Day, etc. They also have a big box of Rainbow Nerds that are movie theater-size. The big box of Rainbow Nerds is the best because it has the biggest Nerds. Some can be as big as a pea. That’s a big nerd. That might not seem very impressive, but I’m easily impressed. Nerds are probably my favorite Wonka candy on the market. They are fruity, sour, crunchy, and fun to eat. Plus they have a great name. You can offer them out and insult someone at the same time. It’s hard to beat that.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 23, 2014 · 1:18 pm

Buying Someone a Drink

Buying someone a drink is a simple act of kindness that goes a long way. Buying a girl a drink could lead to a relationship.. Buying a stranger a drink makes you a new friend. Buying a friend a drink ensures he will pass on the favor someday. Buying a coworker a drink shows your appreciation for their helpThe other night my friend had a stressful shift, I caught up with him at the bar, noticed what he was drinking, and bought him another one when I got my drink. Did it pacify him? Slightly. Did he appreciate it? You betcha. And he reciprocated by buying another friend a drink, he instantly paid it forward. Good karma, good friends, and good times.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 23, 2014 · 1:17 pm

Capri Sun

Capri a Sun is a brand of juice drink blends marketed towards children. You can find them in lunch boxes and picnic baskets and Lunchables across the US. They don’t taste amazing, they aren’t that healthy, but they are fun. They come in sealed pouches with a plastic straw. There’s a designated place near the top of the pouch for you to punch the straw through, but all the cool kids punch the straw through the bottom of the bag. It looks cool but it’s not practical because then you can’t set it down at all. Capri Suns haven’t gone through too many changes from when I was a kid, but one noticeable addition are the clear-bottoms. That’s because a few years ago a bunch of moms found mold and bacteria in their kids’ Capri Suns. The clear-bottoms ensure that you can see the contents inside and you can see if you have a moldy juice blend or not. That’s progress.
Critically Rated at 11/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 22, 2014 · 1:26 pm

Unexpected Text

You’re sitting around, chilling, relaxing, whatever, and your phone buzzes. You assume that it’s your friend that you texted earlier, or maybe your mom checking in, and you’re surprised when you check your phone that it’s from a random friend that you haven’t talked to in months. The unexpected text is usually a good thing, it’s sort of compliment. I might have forgotten all about you, but you still remember that I exist and you took the time to text me. That was nice of you. It’s good to feel remembered. The best unexpected texts come from old friends trying to catch up, from friends that are randomly in town, or from pretty people that you want to do dirty things to. The worst unexpected texts come from exes, and people that you used to be friends with that don’t realize they suck. At least you can ignore them, you’re not obliged to respond to your enemies via text.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 22, 2014 · 1:24 pm

Butterfly

A butterfly is a flying insect and the probably the most popular bug. They don’t cause destruction or mayhem, and they don’t sting or bite. They fly around looking pretty and posing for pictures amongst flowers. Some people call them flutterbys, which is a more apt description of them. Butterflies are a common metaphor for changes and personal growth in stories and mythology because they begin life as a lowly caterpillar, then they wrap themselves up in a cocoon, go into metamorphosis, and emerge as a beautiful butterfly. Then most of the time they get eaten by birds, but a few of them live long enough to prolong the circle of life. There’s all sorts of butterfly species, but the Monarch is the most regal.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 21, 2014 · 5:02 pm

Mike’s Harder Black Cherry Lemonade

You’ve probably heard of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, one of the leading manufacturers of malternative adult beverages. They make a few different flavors and varieties and Mike’s Harder Black Cherry Lemonade is one of them. It’s called Mike’s Harder because it has a higher alcohol content than Mike’s Hard. It’s 8% ABV as opposed to a mere 5%. It’s called Black Cherry Lemonade because it tastes like lemonade with black cherry flavoring. It’s sweet, sour, syrupy, and sugary. It tastes like a hangover in a can and that’s pretty much what it is. I only bought a can of it so I would have something to blog about. I wish I had bought a can of beer instead. I don’t feel like a high school cheerleader when I drink beer. Mike’s Hard Lemonade impresses nobody. They need to stop marketing glorified wine coolers to straight dudes.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 21, 2014 · 4:59 pm

Sprite Blast

Sprite Blast is 7-Eleven exclusive soft drink. It’s basically Sprite with a blast of intense sweet & sour flavor. It comes in little 7.5. oz cans. It tastes like regular Sprite with the first sip and then it becomes decidedly more sour and bitter. It’s still light and bubbly, something like a sour fruit-infused sparkling beverage crossed with a soda. I like it. I wish it were available in larger sizes and maybe packaged in glass bottles to class it up a little bit. I wouldn’t drink it every day, but I would buy it once a month or so. I think it’s just a seasonal product though, so it’s likely I’ll never get it again. Not that big of a loss though. I think I’ll survive.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 20, 2014 · 11:29 pm

Rediscovering a Song

There are times in your life where you fall in love with a song and listen to it ad nauseam until you hate it and never want to hear it again, and so you don’t for several years. Then by chance you hear it on the radio or blasting from a friend’s stereo and it only takes a few moments before you fall back in love with it. Rediscovering a song is a great feeling, it’s almost like hearing the song for the first time. You remember all the times that you sang it at the top of your lungs, all the times it played out as the soundtrack to your life. I was born in 1985 and grew up in the nineties. Every corny rock song from that era is relevant to me and transports me back to when I was a badass ten-year-old on the playground. It’s not even just rock, even a Seal song or some Dru Hill will make me have flashbacks to middle school dances. Rediscovering a song is one of the main reason that I’ve never thrown out old CD mixes that I downloaded and burnt myself in the Napster era, when a single song took twenty minutes to download and I only had an hour before my mom would come home and kick me off the computer. Music is an important part of life and rediscovering songs is like flipping through a photo album.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 20, 2014 · 11:26 pm

Hypocrisy

Hypocrisy is when you criticize somebody for doing the same stuff that you do. A hypocrite is someone who engages is hypocrisy. Everyone is a hypocrite, especially when you’re calling another person out as a hypocrite. Let me stress that, we are all hypocrites. It only makes sense that we hate hypocrites because we hate ourselves. We see our flaws reflected and we react with negativity. The only way to alleviate hypocrisy is to be aware of it and try not to be so hypercritical. If that sounds like a Catch-22, well, that’s because it is.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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