Tag Archives: shoe

Hiking Boots

I hiked Yosemite’s iconic Half Dome in June. It’s an epic sixteen miles and good hiking boots are essential to conquer the Dome. I used the hike as an excuse to get a new pair. I went to Sports Basement and tried on a few before settling on the Tor Tech mid waterproof shoe by Hoka One One. They are great hiking boots. They provide a lot of ankle support, they are really comfortable, relatively lightweight, provide great traction over rough terrain, and are waterproof. They are a bit too bulky to be an everyday shoe, but they make you want to go hiking so you have an excuse to wear them. This isn’t an advertisement for Hoka One One, it’s just an ode to hiking boots in general.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Untied Shoelaces

I live in San Francisco and I don’t have a car. Needless to say, I’m pretty good at walking. I walk a lot. I walk quickly and efficiently, like any good city dweller. You can stroll in the suburbs, but you have to walk at a brisk pace if you want to survive the city. The only thing that slows me down are elderly pedestrians that won’t get out of my way and occasionally untied shoelaces. I can’t do anything about old people, but I know how to deal with untied shoelaces. I simply tie them back up. Problem temporarily solved. I might even double knot them for added security. Untied shoelaces are dangerous. That’s why they invented Velcro and slip on shoes. Safety is always important, fashion can take a backseat.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Spider in Your Shoe

I went to the park a few days ago. The weather was kind of shitty so I decided to wear a pair of old shoes from the bottom of my closet instead of my everyday kicks. It had been a while since I had worn them last, so I gave them a good shake before I put them on. It’s a good thing I did that, because a dead spider fell out when I shook them. It freaked the hell out of me. I’m not really scared of spiders but finding a spider in my shoe has always been a minor fear of mine. I’m so glad that it was a dead spider and not a live one. Fuck that. I’m actually kind of surprised that finding spiders in shoes doesn’t happen more often. Spiders like dark remote places and a shoe seems like it would be a nice comfortable cave to inhabit. I mean I would live in a shoe if I was a spider. Spinning a web takes a long time and seems like hard work. I’d rather take up space in a forgotten sneaker. But I’m not a spider in a shoe. I’m a person, a person who doesn’t want spiders in my shoes. And I hope that you never find a spider in your shoe too because I like you. You read my blog. And not many people do, so thank you for that. You definitely deserve spider-free shoes.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Future Shoe Store

I’ve decided that I’m going to open up my own shoe store. I know that sounds crazy with today’s economy, but I have a killer idea. It’s revolutionary in fact. I’m going to open a shoe store that specializes in single shoes only. You buy the left or right shoe individually and you’re not allowed to buy a pair. Think about it. Shit happens and sometimes you lose a shoe. You still have the other one, only now it’s worthless because it’s missing its brother. You have to throw it away because nobody sells single shoes. Until now. Doesn’t seem so stupid now, does it? Trust me, I have it figured out. I’m even going to sell socks individually as well at the counter. That’s what they call an impulse buy. You can even buy socks is odd-numbered bundles so you can save even more money. I haven’t decided on a name yet, but rest assured it will involve a terrible pun.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

  

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Picking Rocks from the Bottoms of Your Shoes

I went for a hike the other day. It was a real hike. I went on a trail and everything. I hiked a few miles out then I hiked a few miles back. When I got back to civilization I noticed that there were dozens of little rocks stuck in the treads of my shoes. I don’t like rocks in the bottom of my shoes. I sat down, pulled off my shoe, and used a little stick to poke out all the rocks. Then I did the same to the other shoe. I felt better once all the rocks were out. Picking rocks from the bottoms of your shoes will give you better traction and keep you from scuffing up hardwood floors. It also makes your shoes look better (at least the bottoms of them).

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Lifting Up the Toilet Seat with the Your Shoe

You’re out on the town when you get the urge to pee. You find a public bathroom to use but all the urinals are taken so you find an open stall. The seat is down and you want to put it up because you don’t want to pee on the seat, but you don’t want to touch the seat. You could use a piece of toilet paper to lift it, but you don’t want to waste paper. That’s when you resort to lifting up the toilet seat with your shoe. It’s a balancing act. It takes some skill. You want to make the minimal amount of contact with the seat as possible, and you want to get the job done as fast as possible because, shit, you really have to pee. Lifting up the toilet seat with your shoe brings you one step closer to sweet relief. Once you’ve finished going you can prove your dexterity by flushing the toilet with your shoe too.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Squeaky Shoes

You’re getting ready to go out and you’re throwing together an outfit, and you bust out a pair of shoes that were buried in the back of your closet. They look clean, they fit perfectly, and you can’t remember why you stashed them away. You put them on and they compliment your attire perfectly, so you head out the door for a night on the town. Somewhere in between bars, you’ll notice an odd squeaking sound that’s following you. And you’ll eventually realize that the sound is coming from your feet and that you’re wearing squeaky shoes. That’s why you ditched them in the closet in the first place. Squeaky shoes are embarrassing. Each step is a reminder that your kicks are wrong. You won’t notice the noise at first, but you can’t ignore it once you’ve heard it. There’s not much that you can do with squeaky shoes. You can try tying the laces tighter, you can try wearing thicker socks, or you can try going to louder places where nobody can hear your footwear. But you can never hide from the truth. Your shoes squeak and you are a lesser person because of them.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Stepping in Shit

If you spend enough time walking around, you’ll eventually step in a pile of poop. There’s no avoiding it, it’s going to happen to you. Stepping is shit is not a big deal. Hopefully, you’ll notice the feeling of feces on your feet before you track it everywhere. You’ll try to scrape off most of it with a stick and you move on with your life. You’d prefer to have stepped in dog shit, but sometimes you’ll step in people poo. That’s the worst feeling in the world. Especially if you’re barefoot.

Critically Rated at 1/17

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Taking Your Shoes Off at the End of the Day

You spend most of your day with your feet confined in socks and stuffed into a shoe. Your feet are trapped and constricted the whole time you’re getting ready for work, going to work, working, coming home from work, and doing whatever it is that you have to do like errands, or meeting friends or family and hanging out. Taking your shoes off at the end of the day feels fantastic. It’s like a reward to yourself for all the hard work you did that day. You earned it. You untie one shoe and take it off and wiggle your toes and ball your feet. You untie the other shoe and take it off and ball your feet and wiggle your toes. You peel off your sweaty socks and massage your feet and discreetly dispose the toe jam. Your feet are free and so are you.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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