Monthly Archives: June 2013

June 30, 2013 · 10:13 am

Bidet

I used to live in Los Angeles and rented out a house that had a bidet. That was my first experience with a bidet outside of that memorable scene in Crocodile Dundee. In fact, it was only because of that movie that I even knew what a bidet was and what it was used for (“for washing your backside”). So I had a bidet in my bathroom. I had to try it and I did. I tried it a few times. I didn’t like it. It wasn’t for me. I prefer toilet paper. I would rather wipe my ass than hose it down. Bidets are classy, but they are also intimidating, especially if you have no clue how to use them. Most Americans don’t know which way to face, or if they should take their pants off to avoid splashes, or if they can pee in it. And you’re wet afterward so you still need to wipe and that kind of defeats the purpose. Whatever. To each his own.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 30, 2013 · 10:11 am

My Friend Stole My Face Wash

So my friend stole my face wash. I don’t mean that he borrowed a little bit each day until it was gone. I mean that he fucking took the whole tube out of my medicine cabinet in one fell swoop. Who the fuck does that? Are you really that desperate for a facial cleanse that you’re willing to steal? That’s pathetically low. It’s damn near rock bottom. I can forgive somebody stealing from me for a heroin fix, but smooth skin and exfoliated pores hardly seems worthy of jeopardizing your reputation. There’s no reason and there’s no excuse for bullshit like that, so don’t bother explaining yourself. All you had to do was ask. Instead you decided to steal it and reveal your true colors. Now I’m going to suspect you whenever something goes missing. I hope it was worth it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 29, 2013 · 8:24 am

Behind on Memes

I have a friend on Facebook who is constantly posting and sharing links, pictures, and videos on his profile. He has the same sense of humor as me, and we share a lot of the same interests, and most of the things that he posts are from websites that I visit regularly. But all the shit that he shares are at least a week old. He is behind on his memes and he doesn’t realize it. It’s new to him, so he assumes it’s new to everyone else. So he will post clips of Charlie biting his brother or a guy freaking out about a double rainbow and act like he’s a fucking trendsetter. Being behind on memes is like being behind on the latest celebrity death… Yeah, it’s sad that James Gandolfini died, but that was a fucking week ago, not four hours ago. The internet has an extremely quick turnover rate. If it’s two days old, I’m already over it. And so is everyone else.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 29, 2013 · 8:22 am

Pedicab

A pedicab is a pedal-powered taxicab. It looks like a giant tricycle with a couch in the back. It’s a green and clean form of transportation, but your speed is entirely dependent on how in shape your driver is and how many people you have crammed into the pedicab. You’ll see two couples snuggling in the back of the cab as the wheezing driver struggles to obtain a speed faster than 10 miles per hour. You can walk faster than most of them. You usually find pedicabs in groups of three or more waiting outside of tourist attractions in major cities, desperately hollering at people, begging for their business. I’m convinced that the pedicab industry is based entirely on pity. No self-respecting local would be caught dead in one. They are for tourists who are tired of walking and are too cheap to take a ride in a horse-drawn carriage. I like the zero-emission concept, but there should be a way to make being green less embarrassing.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 28, 2013 · 8:29 am

Walking in on Someone in the Bathroom

Walking in on someone in the bathroom is inevitable. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will. You are eventually going to walk in on someone in the bathroom, and you will see things that you never wanted to see. Walking in on someone using the bathroom always happens the same way. Nature calls, you get up to respond, you go to the bathroom, you open the door, and you’re shocked to see somebody’s already on the pot. For some reason you both say sorry at the exact same time, and then you close the door and back away, desperately trying to erase that image from your head. It’s hard to say who is more embarrassed in this situation. Would you rather catch a glimpse of someone else’s bowel movement or have someone else see your pooping technique? It’s an easily avoided situation if the pooper would only lock the fucking door.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 28, 2013 · 8:26 am

They Changed the Price

Today was laundry day, so I grabbed my hamper, some detergent, and the exact amount of quarters required, and headed to the Laundromat. I threw my clothes in the washer, plunked down some quarters, and everything was going great. And then it was time to throw my stuff in the dryer. I had the dryer all loaded up and started dropping in my quarters and I noticed that something was different. They changed the price. We are creatures of habit, and laundry is definitely habitual, and so suddenly needing another quarter changes everything. I thought I brought the precise number of quarters necessary, but inflation had other ideas. I didn’t have any cash on me, so I had to resort to asking the other patrons for a spare quarter like a bum. I got a quarter from one reluctant lady so I was able to finish it. She only gave it to me because she was caught off guard by the price change too and felt sympathy for me. I know that it’s a sign of progression and economic growth, but part of me dies whenever they change the price. I would probably die if Arizona Iced Tea ever charged more than 99 cents per can.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 27, 2013 · 10:26 am

Gay Marriage

So DOMA was struck down, the Prop 8 appeal was denied, and now equality is one step closer to reality. This is a great time for the US, and especially for San Francisco… Gay marriage + Pride weekend = One hell of a party. I’m not gay, but I live in San Francisco and there’s no room for bigotry here. I work with gay people, I hang out with gay people, I drink with gay people, and I see no problems celebrating their victory. But this isn’t just their victory; it’s a victory for everybody. Everybody has the right to be happy and marry the person that they love. And if more people can get married, then there will be more weddings. And weddings usually have an open bar. Everybody wins. Gay marriage shouldn’t even be an issue. Shit, homosexuality shouldn’t be an issue. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. We already knew all that, but now the courts recognize it too. It’s about fucking time. Congratulations to us all. But you should still be a little weary because in the next few years all the bigots/haters/igorami will start talking about the dangers of gay divorce.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 27, 2013 · 10:23 am

Taking Up Smoking

I’ve decided to take up smoking. I’m not trying to look cool, I’m not trying to influence any kids to do the same, and I’m not trying to impress anyone. Nope, I’m taking up smoking in order to get more breaks at work. I live in San Francisco and there are a lot of strict labor laws. I only get a thirty-minute break every 6 hours. My managers will raise a stink if they catch me sitting down in the break room while I’m on the clock. But I’ve noticed that smokers get an unofficial 5-10 minute break every hour without getting in any trouble. I want to get in on that action. I want to get paid for ignoring my customers, filling my lungs with smoke, and polluting the planet all at once. I think I would be good at that. So I bought a pack of cloves (because cigarettes aren’t hipster enough) and now I’m able to take breaks whenever I want to. And life has never been better. I wonder what other substances I can consume at work to make the time go faster…. Drugs are bad.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 26, 2013 · 9:57 am

Watching a Game with a Rival Fan

I went to AT&T Park a few weeks ago to watch the San Francisco Giants take on the San Diego Padres. I went to the game with a friend from work. He wore his Padres cap, while I rocked my Giants sweatshirt. We grabbed a few drinks before the game and raised our glasses to a good game. Then we went into the stadium and found our seats. We were talking and joking and having a good time. But then the game started and the atmosphere changed. Suddenly we became rivals. We were still making small talk, but most of our conversations involved shit-talking and subtle insults about the other team. Watching a game with a rival fan is an interesting experience. You’re watching the exact same game, but you’re seeing two different things. My heroes are his villains and vice versa. I’m cheering while he’s silent. He’s clapping while I’m shaking my head in disbelief. But you can also find out more about the other team. He knows more about his team then you do. And you can also tell him facts about your team. You get a look at the bigger picture. The major problem with watching a game with a rival fan is that somebody is going to lose and that can make for an awkward car ride home. So if your team wins, be a good sport and try not to gloat. And if your team loses, be a good sport and try not to mope.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 26, 2013 · 9:50 am

Krave Lemon Garlic Turkey Jerky

Krave is a brand of gourmet jerky from Sonoma, California. Lemon Garlic Turkey Jerky is just one of their many unique offerings. Most of the time I prefer beef jerky over turkey jerky, but I’m not opposed to turkey jerky by any means. And I really enjoy the fact that turkey jerky rhymes. But I digress… my initial response upon opening the bag was being amazed at how moist and tender the jerky was. All the pieces stick together, but they pull apart easily. It’s sweeter and less salty than most jerky, and not really spicy at all. The lemon and garlic flavors are well balanced, but the jerky leaves a greasy residue on your fingers, similar to some potato chips. It loses a few points for the finger residue, but this is a good jerky.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 25, 2013 · 9:27 am

Clapping After the Movie

Banging your hands together in a rhythmic fashion is an awesome way to display your appreciation for a concert or a play. It provides the performers with instant feedback, and it lets them know that you appreciated what they are doing. But clapping after a movie is weird. The actors can’t hear you. The director can’t hear you. None of the producers, or screenwriters, or extras can fucking hear you. So why are you clapping? You clap because you’ve approved and appreciated what the artists have labored to create. Even if they can’t hear you, you can still acknowledge that they influenced you. So you slap your hands together a few times. Even if they don’t get the message, you are still saying THANKS!

            Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 25, 2013 · 9:24 am

The Best Way to Watch a 3-D Movies

3-D movies are the best way to watch a movie, but only if it’s done right. The biggest problem with 3-D films is that the three dimensions become commonplace. It becomes mundane, it becomes boring. You need something to break up the spectacle, or the spectacle loses all meaning.  The best way to watch a 3-D movie is to take the glasses off. Seriously. Take them off whenever there is a lot of dialog or whenever the camera remains stationary. Let your eyes take a break. Then put your glasses back on when the action picks up. Suddenly the movie pops. Suddenly the 3-D means something. It literally adds depth to the film. The action becomes more immersive and more intense. It draws you into the film if it’s done right. It distracts you heavily if it’s done wrong. 3-D might be a marketing ploy, but its sticking around, so you better get used to it. But remember that those glasses aren’t required.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 24, 2013 · 9:56 am

Accents

I’m a big fan of accents. They tell a story. They tell you where the person came from, if they speak another language, and different regions have different speech patterns and different sounds so you can learn a lot from their vocal nuances. I like southern accents and English accents, but the best accents are from people who speak English as a second language. Language is like music and accents are like different instruments. You don’t always want to hear the same song on the piano. Sometimes you want it to be played on the guitar, or banged out on the drums, or tooted from a saxophone. When you hear a particularly delicious accent, you immediately want to emulate it. You want to hear that sound roll off your own tongue; you want to experience it too. So don’t be offended if you have an accent and I’m constantly copying you and asking you to repeat particular phrases. I’m not making fun of you. I like the way you talk and I wish you’d talk some more. Especially if you have a mysterious European accent.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 24, 2013 · 9:54 am

Edward Snowden

Edward Snowden is the guy who found out that the National Security Agency has been illegally spying on you. Yes, you. You should be outraged. He found out that the NSA was conducting mass surveillance on US citizens by monitoring and storing communications data. They were also spying on millions of Chinese citizens, turning it into an international affair. He decided to do the right thing and share that information with the public. Then the government labeled him a traitor. And he’s been on the run ever since. So to recap: he found out that the NSA was illegally spying on millions of citizens by reading and collecting your emails and text messages, he told the public, and now he’s a fucking criminal. The guy is a hero, he should be celebrated. Instead he’s a fugitive and has to seek asylum in a foreign country. The government is probably monitoring me now because I wrote about Edward Snowden. And now they are probably watching you because you read this article about him. 2013 looks an awful lot like 1984.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 23, 2013 · 10:57 am

Typing On Your Phone with One Finger

I was at the baseball game the other day, and I noticed the middle-aged woman sitting right in front of me was on her iPhone for most of the game. She was taking pictures and uploading them to Facebook, constantly updating her status, responding to all the lame comments that her lame friends were making about her lames pictures, and she spent a good solid 9 innings glued to her fucking phone. None of that shit bothered me. What bothered me was the fact that she was only using her pointer finger to type everything. She was moving at a snail’s pace. My grandma can type faster than her. My grandma knows to turn the phone sideways and to use two thumbs. I know you might be a little clueless on technology, but that has nothing to do with a lack of common sense. Typing on your phone with one finger is stupidly wrong. I don’t like to use the word retarded, but that’s what it is. You are fucking retarded if you’re typing with just your index finger. The only acceptable reason for typing on your phone with one finger is if you only have one finger. If you have thumbs, you should use those. Your phone’s keyboard was fucking designed for your fucking thumbs. If you don’t know how to use your phone, you don’t deserve your phone.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 23, 2013 · 10:54 am

Simply Limeade

It’s a hot summer day and you want a cold refreshing drink. Lemonade seems to be the ideal drink for this situation but sometimes you want to mix things up a bit without going too crazy. That’s then you should reach for a limeade. It’s like lemonade, but it’s made with limes instead of lemons. It’s more sour, it’s more tart, and it’s an overall more intense citric experience. Simply Limeade is just one brand’s version of limeade, and it’s one of the few limeades that you might find in a convenience store. Limeade isn’t as popular as most other fruit beverages, so it’s harder to find a store that carries it. If you’re lucky enough to spot it, you should grab it. Limeade is a drink that doesn’t get much respect. Limeade is an occasional treat, an alternative to the mundane. You’ve never met anybody that prefers it over all other beverages. And if they do, they are fucking weird as shit and that’s enough of a reason to stop talking to them.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 22, 2013 · 9:26 am

Getting Stoned and Going Grocery Shopping

One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made was getting stoned and going grocery shopping before a camping trip. Anyone who has ever blazed knows what it’s like to experience the munchies. You take a few puffs and suddenly all you want is Cheetos and a Coke. And some Skittles. Oooh, and a Snickers too. Now imagine that you have to buy enough food and drinks to last for the next three days. You don’t want to underestimate how much shit to get, so you’ll compensate by buying a lot more than you need. Instead of getting a pack of 8 sticks of string cheese, you’ll get a pack of 32 just to be safe. Instead of one pack of hot dogs, you’ll buy two. And you can’t forget the buns, ketchup, mustard, and relish. And what goes good with hot dogs? Potato chips! So then you get a few bags of chips, and some dip to go with it. And then a few packs of beer to wash it down. And a few cases of soda just in case somebody doesn’t want beer or if you need a caffeine boost. And obviously you need ice to keep all the drinks cold and the food from spoiling. All that shit adds up, and it adds up quickly, and it doesn’t help that your stoned ass is walking up and down each aisle throwing more unnecessary shit into your cart. Before you know it, you’re at the register and you owe them $364.24. Then you go camping for a few days and end up with a fridge full of expired leftovers that remind you of your stupidity. And you don’t even want to eat any of it because it all tastes like failure. This is the type of situation they should discuss during anti-drug assemblies in middle school.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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