Tag Archives: toilet

June 4, 2017 · 2:20 pm

Flush-Resistant Dookie

I was at my friend’s house a few years ago and had to take a shit. I went to his bathroom and pooped and I pooped good. It was a pretty substantial dump. I admired it briefly and then flushed it down. I washed my hands, dried them off, and started to open the door when I noticed a small turd still in the toilet bowl. Normally I would just leave a little nugget like that but I respected my friend too much to do that to him. I flushed the toilet again. It somehow managed to survive another rough ride around the bowl. It didn’t want to go. I had to flush the toilet a third time. No dice. The fourth flush didn’t do anything either. On the fifth fucking flush it finally disappeared. I felt a little bad. He was a tough little fucker. I’ve encountered other flush-resistant dookie since, but nothing on that level. I still think about him every now and then, or whenever I see a Tootsie Roll. I hope he’s still out there somewhere. I wish him the best.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 15, 2017 · 7:32 pm

Automatic Toilets

A lot of public restrooms are using automatic toilets these days. Those are toilets that uses sensors to flush automatically. They are supposedly more hygienic because you don’t have to use your hands, but it’s still a public toilet. It’s going to be disgusting no matter what. I don’t like automatic toilets. I don’t trust them. Sometimes they flush too early before I throw in my used toilet paper. Sometimes they don’t flush at all and my shit is on display for the lucky next person who ventures into the stall. They let me down each time I’m forced to use one. I can flush just fine by myself. I don’t need technology to do it for me. 

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 10, 2016 · 3:40 pm

Toilet Brush

A toilet brush is a device that you use to scrub dirty toilets. It gets rid of shit stains and that nasty ring of filth that accumulates around the water line. Everyone poops but you don’t want to see the physical evidence of it. That’s why you flush the toilet (well, that and for hygiene). I poop twice a day on average, once in the morning and again when I come home from work or wherever. If it’s a particularly nasty shit, I feel compelled to break out the toilet brush and clean up a little bit. I’m not trying to impress anyone, I’m trying to keep others from being disgusted. I’m considerate like that I guess. I’m writing about toilet brushes because I bought a new one today. Pretty exciting, I know. It only cost two bucks at the store. I think that’s a good price, but I don’t really know the average retail price for toilet brushes. I was willing to pay five bucks for one. Two bucks was a steal. I think I’ll give out toilet brushes as stocking stuffers for Christmas this year. They are a cheap yet practical gift. I’ve thought about this too much. I’m going to go drink beer now.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 17, 2014 · 1:51 pm

Double Shit

A double shit is when you take a shit and think you’re depleted, so you wipe your ass and flush and wash your hands, but then you realize that you still have to shit, so then you shit again. It usually happens in the morning after a big meal, but it’s been known to happen at any time throughout the day. The more you eat fast food, the more likely you are to experience double shits. Scientists are baffled as to why. Your only defense is to take fiber and try to stay regular.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 27, 2014 · 4:42 pm

Lifting Up the Toilet Seat with the Your Shoe

You’re out on the town when you get the urge to pee. You find a public bathroom to use but all the urinals are taken so you find an open stall. The seat is down and you want to put it up because you don’t want to pee on the seat, but you don’t want to touch the seat. You could use a piece of toilet paper to lift it, but you don’t want to waste paper. That’s when you resort to lifting up the toilet seat with your shoe. It’s a balancing act. It takes some skill. You want to make the minimal amount of contact with the seat as possible, and you want to get the job done as fast as possible because, shit, you really have to pee. Lifting up the toilet seat with your shoe brings you one step closer to sweet relief. Once you’ve finished going you can prove your dexterity by flushing the toilet with your shoe too.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 1, 2014 · 3:18 pm

Crack in the Stall Door

I’m not a fan of pooping in public. I prefer the privacy and comfort of my own bathroom. Public restrooms are always dirty and gross, and there’s always an overly excessive crack in the stall door. You can see people and they can see you. It’s a uncomfortable feeling knowing that you’re being watched as you’re shitting, even if they only catch a glimpse of you. I don’t know why there are still cracks in stall doors. It’s 2014, you’d think that we would have solved this problem by now. It can’t be that hard to create a door that actually seals shut. Most doors can close all the way. But the public bathroom architects don’t care and continue to incorporate a gap into their plans for some reason. I think it’s because they are the ones watching you through the crack.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 8, 2014 · 1:31 pm

If It’s Yellow, Let It Mellow

I’m staying on a couch at the moment and had to take a piss at three in the morning, but I didn’t want to wake anybody up. I tiptoed down the hall, I slowly opened the door, quietly turned the knob, and aimed for the side of the bowl to avoid making noise. Then I stood there for about five minutes deciding whether or not to flush the toilet. If I flushed it, then all my attempts at stealth would go down the drain. If I left it, they might think that I’m a rude houseguest. I didn’t know what to do until I remembered the old adage: If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down. There are other variants like If it’s pee, let it be, but the message is the same: urine can stay in the bowl, but you gotta flush the shit. So I didn’t flush, and if they were wondering why not, that’s why. They didn’t wake up though, so I regret nothing.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 26, 2013 · 2:07 pm

Leaving the Toilet Seat Up

Girls are always complaining about guys leaving the toilet seat up. Leaving the toilet seat up is a tradition that’s not going anywhere. It’s not like we are doing it out of spite (well, sometimes we do), it just stays up because we piss a lot and we are lazy. You’re lucky if we even remember to flush. I sometimes feel sorry for the girls that end up falling into the toilet, but they should have paid attention. Guys need to sit down when they shit, but we don’t fall in because we check the status of the seat before we sit down. It’s common sense. Look before you leap and look before you squat. Girls complain that leaving the seat up is inconsiderate. They never stopped to consider that leaving the seat down is inconsiderate to guys. I’m not sorry about leaving the toilet seat up. I leave the seat up, and I leave it up proudly. It’s also proof that I didn’t pee on the seat in the bathroom at work.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 9, 2013 · 9:02 pm

Using a Toilet Seat Cover after Swimming

I made a mistake the other day. I was swimming at a hotel pool when the McDonald’s I had for lunch came back to haunt me. I had to take a shit and I had to take one immediately. I jumped out of the pool and made my way to the bathroom, and luckily the stall was unoccupied. I went inside and locked the door, put a toilet seat cover down for protection, dropped my swim trunks and proceeded to empty my bowels. I realized that I had a problem a few minutes into my poop: I was soaking wet and the piece of paper I was sitting on was now adhered to my backside. After I finished taking the Browns to the Super Bowl and wiping, I had to slowly peel the toilet seat cover off my skin, but it wasn’t easy. I had to scrub it and rub it to get it off, and I had to do it quietly to avoid attracting attention from the other people in the bathroom. That’s not something that you want to explain to strangers. Being hygienic is cool and all, but using a toilet seat cover after swimming is not something I would recommend.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 21, 2013 · 8:29 am

Using the Toilet at Work

Using the toilet at work is always a bit of a conundrum. Each workplace has an unwritten code for its usage. Most of the rules are similar: don’t hog the bathroom for more than five minutes, try to avoid taking a shit if you can, and never pee on the seat (or wipe it off if you do). I work at a restaurant and we have a public restroom for men, a public restroom for women, and a bathroom by the break room for the staff. We essentially have one toilet for over fifty employees at any given point. It’s constantly in use. There’s almost always a line. Sometimes I’ll use the bathroom just because it’s unoccupied. I won’t even have to go, but I can’t pass up the opportunity. I’ll use it just because I can. Carpe Pee-um and all that. The most important thing about using the toilet at work is remembering to wash your hands before you go back to work. Especially if your boss is watching.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 26, 2013 · 10:36 am

New Toilet

I came home from work yesterday and noticed that something was different in my apartment. All the lights were off and my roommate’s door was wide open but there was no sign of him. And there was a new toilet in the bathroom and the old one was missing. I’m guessing that my landlord came in while my roommates and I were all out of the house and randomly changed the toilet that we’ve been bitching about for over a year. The old toilet had a cracked lid and the tank was constantly running. I thought that they were supposed to give us notice 24 hours in advance before entering our apartment, but I’m not going to complain about a toilet upgrade. Now I’m shitting in style, perched up on a shiny new throne. I’m going to be busy eating tons of Taco Bell and fiber the next few days… I gotta break this bad boy in.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 25, 2013 · 10:39 am

Pissing On the Plunger

I’ve pissed on hundreds of plungers in my lifetime. Almost everyone I know has a toilet and a plunger to go with it. And everyone seems to keep the plunger right next to the toilet. It seems logical and convenient but it’s not. It’s a terrible place to keep because I’m going to pee on it. It’s like a lightening rod for my urinary stream. I probably won’t do it on purpose, but it’s going to happen one way or another. I’m a guy, that’s what we do. We piss all over the toilet seat and whatever else is in the vicinity and that includes the plunger. Yeah, we have built-in fire hoses but it’s hard to pee through morning wood or aim when we’re drunk. Pissing on the plunger isn’t something I’m proud of but I’m not ashamed to admit it either.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 1, 2013 · 10:15 am

Replacing the Toilet Paper

I went to take my daily shit and noticed that somebody used up all the toilet paper except for one sheet. A single sheet of TP is useless. It’s not even enough to wipe a fart away. If you use it all up, replace it. Because I’ll use your towel next time. Replacing the toilet paper takes 10 seconds. The hardest part is making sure it hangs the right way. The sad thing is that some people still fail at such a simple task. The sadder thing is that they don’t know that they failed.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 31, 2012 · 10:03 am

Piss on the Toilet Seat

Ladies, I know you get exasperated at constantly having to wipe the piss off the toilet seat. You wonder how it’s even possible to piss on the toilet seat. You know that guys have built-in fire hoses so we can aim, but there’s still piss on the seat. I’m here to tell you that there are two main reasons for pissing on the toilet seat. First off, it might have been the unintentional consequence of splashback. That’s when the force of your stream hitting the toilet water causes some of it to splash back and up onto the toilet seat. The other reason is that morning wood is hard to piss through. It wasn’t intentional. Most guys aren’t trying to piss on the seat, it just happens. If it really bothers you than you should leave the seat up.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 26, 2012 · 9:49 am

Almost Dropping Your Phone in the Toilet

You have an iPhone. Or a spiffy new Droid. Either way, you have a brand new smart phone and you are proud of it. Getting a cool new phone is a part of life. So is going to the bathroom. And sometimes you are casually looking at your phone while you’re taking a piss, and your grip slips and your phone almost slides out of your hand before your catlike and spastic reflexes kick in and snatch it before it plunks into the toilet bowl. Nothing is more frightening than seeing your iPhone’s life flashing before your eyes as it falls towards the urinated abyss at 9.8 m/s2. I don’t believe in the metric system, I just want to stress my point. Saving your phone from a toilet bath makes you feel alive. Your phone got a second chance that it never asked for, and the best way to celebrate is to update your Facebook status and share it with the world.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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