If you are still saying or using #winning, then you are a #loser. Really. You are a fucking loser, a tool, that guy who hits on high school girls. That’s you. Remember how #winning got started? It all started when Charlie Sheen got fired from his shitty show and went crazy on social media, calling people trolls and claiming he had tiger blood and Adonis DNA (neither has been verified). That was back in February/March of 2011. It was two fucking years ago. Internet memes are old after 2 weeks. #winning is over. It’s been over. For a long time. It’s not relevant anymore. Nobody cares what Chuck Norris is capable of, or that Charlie bit your finger… so why do you think they care if you’re #winning?
I’ve never even heard of Courage Juice until today. It has a cool name and a cool can that caught my eye. The can is all black with red letters and a red lion wearing a crown and holding a scepter. The actual drink is a pinkish-red color that looks like carbonated cranberry juice. It has a tangy-acidic taste like most energy drinks, but it’s a little sweeter than Red Bull. There’s no weird aftertaste like with Monster. It’s another energy drink in an already overcrowded market. It’s decent enough, but we already have way too much liquid crack on store shelves across the world. We don’t need another one. Nice can though. I’d buy it again just for that.
A.I. Artificial Intelligence had the potential to be one of the best films of all time. Stanley Kubrick and Steven Spielberg collaborating on a movie about robots and the future seems like a guaranteed hit. It starred the kid from The Sixth Sense before he hit puberty and was still a bona fide child star. It even had Jude Law playing a sexbot. This was a whole new world to explore but it becomes a glorified version of Pinocchio.
Henry and Monica Swinton (Sam Robards and Frances O’Connor) are a loving couple with a kid in a coma. To pass the time they decide to adopt David (Haley Joel Osment), an advanced mecha with the ability to love. He’s programmed to love his mommy like he’s a real boy. He fills a void in her life and things are good for a while. Then her real son wakes up and David is obsolete. She decides that abandoning him in the woods is better than destroying him. She ditches him and David can’t understand why she doesn’t love him.
He decides that becoming a real boy is the only option. So he hits the open road with his faithful robot teddy bear and a pimpbot named Gigolo Joe in search of the Blue Fairy, who he believes will grant his wish to become a real boy. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t happen. Instead there’s a ridiculously bad ending. It’s a disappointing conclusion to a disappointing movie.
The movie looks cool. It has great visuals and special effects. But it just doesn’t work. It’s hard to pinpoint where it all went wrong. It probably started when Kubrick died and they decided to make it anyway. This was also one of the first signs of Spielberg losing his touch. He still makes decent films, but they are no longer iconic. A.I. is forgettable and regrettable. You probably haven’t thought about it for years until you read this obscure review for it. Did I mention the terrible, terrible ending?
I remember waiting for an elevator when I was about seven or eight years old. The doors opened and I shoved my way inside. As I did, an old lady told me something that I never forgot: “Let them out first!” And that makes sense. It doesn’t matter if you’re waiting for an elevator, the bus, or taking the subway, let them out first. It’s polite, it’s considerate, it’s what you’re supposed to do. It’s actually harder to force your way in when everybody else is going out. Don’t be a salmon. Don’t go against the flow. Let them out first.
The Justice League is under attack by a group of supervillains and it looks like the JLA is in trouble. Volume 2 contains issues 5-8 of DC’s Justice. Jim Krueger and Alex Ross wrote it, and Alex Ross also paints over Doug Braithwaite’s sketches. This is the second act of the story, and the second act is usually the darkest.
The comic starts with our heroes being attacked simultaneously. Most of the JLA is separated from each other and the Legion of Doom seems to be kicking ass. You find out that Lex Luthor, Brainiac and Gorilla Grodd are the masterminds behind everything. They have a diabolical plan and an uneasy alliance. The villains are able to keep a step ahead of the JLA by using mind-controlling worms and kidnapped loved ones to keep the JLA in check. Will the JLA get their shit together and defeat the bad guys? I wonder what Volume 3 has in store…
JLA comics are awesome because DC has so many iconic heroes and villains. A lot of fan favorites get some time to shine in this comic. Even lesser characters are more interesting in an ensemble. Captain Marvel seems like less of a tool when he’s saving Superman. The story is epic: you have superpowers and magic and gods and aliens and humans with utility belts. But the story takes a backseat to the amazing artwork. Larger than life, but still realistic.
People are violent and like to punch other people, especially in the skull. And some people are even more violent and want to break skulls when they punch them. That’s when they get brass knuckles. Now when they can crack skulls all day long with minimal effort. Not just skulls either, you can break all kinds of bones. Brass knuckles are typically made out of steal. They should change the name to reflect that. Maybe call them steal knuckles or metal knuckles. Some people call them knuckledusters. I like that, let’s call them that.
Only two things are certain in life: death and taxes. They are both inevitable. But you only die once and you have to do a tax return every year. Filing taxes is one of the many steps to becoming a functioning adult. You grow up relying on your mommy and daddy doing it for you. Then you realize that you can’t rely on them forever so you go to H&R Block and pay someone else to do it for you. Doing your tax return isn’t that bad, but Americans are lazy and like to bitch about things and have other people do things for them. There are lots of easy tax return programs you can use to do your taxes yourself. I use the TurboTax SnapTax app on my iPhone. You just take a picture of yourW-2, fill out a few questions, pay a little fee, and it sends all your info and does everything for you. You don’t even need to wear pants. Try that at H&R Block.
A gift card is something that you get for someone when you don’t know what to give them. It’s almost as good as cash but not as tacky. You know that your mom likes to read but you don’t know which crappy murder mysteries she’s already read. Boom, gift card. You know that your brother likes music but doesn’t like paying for it. Boom, gift card. You just realized five minutes ago that it’s your best friend’s birthday. Boom, gift card. Shopping for people sucks. Let them choose what they want. Get them a gift card and be done with it.
Paper clips aren’t just office supplies, they are one of the most versatile tools that man has at his disposal. Sure, they clip paper together nicely, but you can use them for so many more things. You can clip other things together, like money and other paper clips. You can straighten them out and poke things. You can bend them into different shapes for arts and crafts projects or picking locks. Stoners prefer them over Swiss Army knives because you can scrape a bowl clean, unclog it when it’s not hitting, and use it to help pack joints. Paper clips even guide you through Microsoft Word. Fucking Clippy. I hated him so much. He set paper clips back ten years. They’re only now starting to make a comeback.
Splinters are small foreign objects that penetrate and get embedded under your skin. They cause irritation and can lead to infection. You can get metal, plastic, and fiberglass splinters, but most of the time you get a splinter from something wooden, like an old dock or a pair of cheap chopsticks. Most people use tweezers to remove the splinter. They aren’t just for plucking your unibrow. Splinters suck, the lone exception being Splinter from the Ninja Turtles.
Tetris is just one step in the Soviet Scheme to take over the world. Step 2 is Rocky IV. And step 3 involves vodka and AK-47s. I was pretty bored the other day and decided to buy Tetris for my iPhone. It’s only 99 cents and money grows on trees, so I downloaded it and started playing it. Big mistake. Everyone knows that Tetris is addicting. I just didn’t think that it would take over my life. I play it on the train to work. I play it before I clock in. I play it on my lunch break. I play it on the train ride home. And then I play it some more to relax. I’m not even that good at it. But the OCD side of me wants to keep Tetrising. Those damn falling blocks haunt my dreams and control my life. Games are supposed to be fun, not habit-forming addictions that destroy your life. Oh yeah, in Soviet Russia, game plays you.
Orange October is an Internet miniseries about the miraculous and memorable 2012 San Francisco Giants postseason. There are twelve episodes, each one about 5-7 minutes in length. You have to watch this if you’re a Giants fan. You get to relive all the best moments of the postseason and remember how we won all of those elimination games with clutch hitting, great defense, and bizarre Angels in the Outfield-type moments. This documentary chronicles each game and the key plays and contributors as the Giants defeated the Reds, Cardinals, and finally the Detroit Tigers on their way to winning their second World Series title in three years. The 2012 SF Giants were destined to win and no one can deny that they earned it. So check out SFG Productions Presents ITC: 12 Days of Orange October while you wave your rally towel and rock your panda hat. And fuck the Dodgers.
Justice is a 12-issue comic about the Justice League of America doing battle with a group of super villains. The first volume contains the first four issues. Alex Ross and Jim Krueger wrote the story with art by Doug Braithwaite and painted by Alex Ross. The twist is that the villains seem to be helping humanity and trying to save the world. They claim that the JLA are the real villains for never doing anything to change the world; they’ll save you from danger but wont save you from your meaningless life.
The story starts with a handful of villains experiencing the same dream over and over again: nuclear bombs start falling on cities around the world and Superman and his super friends are powerless to stop it. The villains team up and start healing the sick and crippled and bringing food and water to starving people. They are able to win over the public’s trust.
Even though the villains seem to be doing good things, they still have a hidden agenda that involves kidnapping Aquaman and hacking into JLA computer files to find out secret identities and weaknesses. The villains use their intelligence to stage a coordinated attack on the JLA. Will the JLA emerge triumphant? Will they find out the sinister motives behind the villains? Will they save the world?
Justice has a cool story, but the art makes it even better. Alex Ross uses paint to bring Braithwaite’s illustrations to life. Superman looks like a real guy. Even the most fantastic villains and set pieces look realistic. It humanizes the characters and makes them more relatable. It’s not the best comic ever, but it’s pretty much all you want from a comic: a cool story and cool art with cool characters. Alex Ross did the story justice. That’s a pun.
A sling shot is a small projectile weapon, commonly seen in the back pocket of Bart Simpson’s shorts. They have a Y-shaped frame made out of wood, metal, or plastic with rubber tubes attached to the prongs. You take a rock, BB, or whatever and pull back the rubber, aim at your little sister, and fire. Slingshots are a staple of childhood violence. Anyone can make a crude slingshot out of a stick and a few rubber bands. There’s no excuse for not having a slingshot in your arsenal. Most American guys had a Wrist-Rocket at some point in their childhood. I still have mine and used it as inspiration for this article. I don’t really get the chance to use it anymore, but the zombie apocalypse is coming and it’s folly to get rid of any potential weapons.
Charlie Sheen is back as Topper Harley in Hot Shots! Part Deux. The sequel reunites Charlie Sheen, Lloyd Bridges, and Valeria Golino with writer/director Jim Abrahams. The first film was a parody of Top Gun while this film is mostly a parody of Rambo and other action heroes. Most sequels can’t live up to expectations. This sequel is no exception, but at least they embrace that fact.
Topper Harley is recruited by the CIA to rescue some hostages being held by Saddam Hussein. He’s reluctant to go because his heart is still broken after Ramada (Valeria Golino) dumped him a few months earlier. But he goes because that’s what the script requires him to do. It turns out that Ramada is on the rescue squad too, and her husband is one of the hostages. So there’s like a love triangle and funny action scenes. That’s pretty much what this movie is.
It’s funny. It’s not as funny and not as clever as the first movie, but it’s still a good follow-up. There seems to be a lot more pop culture references in this one, which really dates the film. A lot of jokes will go over your head if you never experienced the early ‘90s. Not a great sequel, but better than mediocre.
Sometimes you feel like dessert on a stick. And on one of these occasions you might try Creamsicle Orange ‘n Cream ice cream bars. It’s made by the same guys who make Popsicles. These are vanilla ice cream bars coated with orange sherbet and stuck on a stick. They are pretty good, despite having a terrible name for a phallic-looking treat you suck on. Why not just call them Cumsicles and get it over with?
This documentary will change your life. When filmmaker Kurt Kuenne’s childhood friend was murdered, Kuenne set out to make a documentary about him to show his son one day. The goal was to interview the friends and family of Andrew Bagby to paint a portrait for the son who would never know him. But real life is crazier than any Hollywood story and the loving tribute for a fallen friend becomes a quest for justice.
There once was a promising young doctor named Andrew Bagby. He was the only child of two loving parents, he had a million lifelong friends, he was happy, funny, respected, and an all-around great guy. He also had a psychotic girlfriend who responded to their break-up by murdering him in cold blood and fleeing the country.
A few months later Andrew Bagby’s parents found out that their son’s murderer is pregnant with his child. David and Kathleen Bagby decided that their grandson should live with them and not with his murderous mother. This sets off a fierce legal battle for the custody of baby Zachary. But the legal system is flawed and justice is never easy. Sometimes there is no justice. Sometimes a mother kills her baby and herself out of spite.
This is one of the most heartbreaking films I have ever experienced. You don’t have a soul if you don’t cry. You really get a sense of Andrew Bagby’s genuine warmth and sympathize with his grieving parents. You feel outraged that his killer is allowed to walk free and feel sad for a kid growing up without his father. And you’ll never get over the shocking conclusion to this true story. If you have 90 minutes and a box of Kleenex to spare, check out this film.
criticallyrated 