Tag Archives: water

Smartwater

Glacéau Smartwater is a brand of enhanced bottled water. It’s enhanced because it’s distilled water with added electrolytes, calcium, magnesium, and potassium. It’s water with benefits. That makes it healthier by definition. You might recognize Glacéau as the same brand that makes VitaminWater. That’s water with added vitamins and sugar. They pretend like it’s healthy for you but it’s like mixing water with Pixy Stix. It’s candy water. Glacéau is owned by the Coca-Cola Company so I don’t trust Smartwater as being a better alternative to actual H2O. I don’t want to be duped. And I always feel like a dumbass when I buy Smartwater.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Half Frozen Bottle of Water 

 I’m a big fan of ice cold water. It’s refreshing and invigorating and thirst quenching. I found a pretty useful life hack online a few months ago that allows me to have ice cold water whenever I want it. All you have to do is take a used bottle of water, fill it half way, lay it sideways in the freezer, and leave it alone for a few hours. Once the water is frozen, you open the bottle and fill it up the rest of the way. If you do it right, there will be ice on one side and water on the other. The ice makes the water cold instantly and keeps it chilled for hours. No muss, no fuss. I keep a half frozen bottle of water in the freezer at all times. It’s a cheap and easy way to impress thirsty guests when they come over. They think I’m smart and clever for coming up with it. I don’t tell them that I stole the idea from the internet. It’s not lying. It’s deceiving. There’s a difference.
  

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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That Wasn’t My Water 

 I was starving at work today, so I ran into the break room to eat some food real quick. I took a few bites of my burger and took a big gulp of water to wash it down. Then I realized that it wasn’t my water. I didn’t even have water. I chugged somebody else’s water that they left behind. I felt sick. I felt violated. It’s pretty horrifying to discover that you drank some random person’s drink. It was disgusting. And it didn’t even have ice, so it was lukewarm and gross. I wish I didn’t do that. Now I’m going to spend the next few days worrying about catching strange diseases. That’s not how I wanted to spend my weekend. I’m going to dwell on it for a while. Woe is me. 

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Skipping Rocks

I found a rock the other day. It was lying on the ground next to some other rocks, but this rock stood out. It was gray, palm-sized, thin, and smooth. I picked it up and felt the weight of it in my palm. I wrapped my fingers around it. I appreciated the natural beauty of it. I felt compelled to skip it. If only I had a pond. Too bad. I had to put it back on the ground and pretended to be normal again. Skipping rocks is fun. It’s a great source of entertainment when you’re by a river, lake, or pond. You scour the ground for a good rock, and you briefly show it off when you find a good one. Then you whip your arm back and sling it across the surface of the water and count how many skips you get. You can get more than ten if you’re good. You’ll only get one if you suck. I’m not that good at skipping rocks. I think six is my record. Some people are really good at skipping rocks. It’s not an impressive talent, but it’s still a talent. There’s no money or glory in it, only a false sense of pride.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Water Bottle Cap

I have a couple of canteens that I use for camping, hiking, and when I hang out at the beach or park. It’s essential to stay hydrated and keeping water handy is a great idea whilst doing outdoor activities. I went to a friend’s birthday party in Golden Gate Park a few weeks ago and brought along my trusty canteens and a shit ton of beer. A few hours later the party was wrapping up and it was time to clean up and go. We gathered all our belongings, got all the trash, rolled our blankets, and glanced over our spot for anything left behind. The only thing that was missing was the cap to one of my canteens. A canteen is practically useless without its cap. I searched for the cap for a couple of minutes before I called it a loss and left with everyone else. I was tempted to throw away my canteen but I held on to it for some reason. Maybe it was hope. I’m glad that I didn’t toss it because it turned up a few days later. One of my friends accidently pocketed it that night and she found it when she put on her jacket again. She handed it back to me with a sheepish smile and a half-hearted apology. I was actually pretty impressed. I don’t know how she remembered that I was missing a water bottle cap. I guess she’s a good friend.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Spray Bottle

A spray bottle is a bottle that sprays liquids. They are also commonly called squirt bottles. They do more than just pray and squirt. They also mist. You see spray bottles all over the place. They dispense Febreze and Windex and other household chemicals. They help you style your hair. They keep you cool on a hot day. They keep cats and dogs in line with a single spritz of water. They are great makeshift squirt guns when spontaneous water fights break out. I could live without spray bottles. I just don’t want to.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Squirt Bottle

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Air Plants

My roommate is out of town for a few days and she left me in charge of watering the plants. She has a pretty solid collection of plants, but she wrote me down detailed instructions for how to take care of each one. She spelled it out for me. The plants in the mason jars on the window just needs a little bit of water. The Jerusalem Cherry gets a complete soil soaking. the avocado trees need to be fully soaked and drained in the sink. The elephant ear plant needs a full bottle of water poured all around the dirt. And the air plants need to be soaked in a bowl full of water, but only for an hour. She told me to do the air plants first because they were the most important. I’m not much of a botanist, i will admit that I had no idea what air plants are. I found all the other plants okay, but no air plants. I had to text my sister to ask what they were. She said they didn’t need soil and that people usually hang them from the ceiling or put them in teapots. I searched the entire apartment searching for something that matched that description. All I found were a couple of things like looked like cactus tumble weeds in glass containers on a bookshelf. I texted my sister back and said I didn’t see anything hanging from anywhere. She told me to take a video of the apartment and she would try to spot them. I made a quick video tour and went it to her. I also summoned up the courage to text my roommate and ask her what air plants are. I received responses from them both at the same time. The air plants were those little fuckers that I thought were cactus in the glass containers on the bookshelf. Mind blown. I was amazed, flabbergasted, and stunned. I never knew that air plants were even a thing before today. It makes me wonder how many times I walked past air plants before thinking that they were cacti. You learn something new everyday. Today I learned about air plants.
Critically Rated at 11/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Drought

California Governor Jerry Brown has recently declared the state to be facing the worst drought since record keeping began over a hundred years ago. There’s been practically no rain and that’s not so bueño, especially since we are an agricultural state. We can’t control the weather, but we can control our water usage and right now conservation is key. There are a lot of ways that you can keep water wastage to a minimum. For starters, I’ve quit drinking water. It’s beer and soda only from here on out. I’ve also started practicing the old policy of “if it’s yellow let it mellow; if it’s brown flush it down.”  I’ve also stopped washing my hands, and I use deodorant instead of taking a shower. It’s amazing how much body odor a stick of Old Spice can suppress. I use Febreeze instead doing laundry. I’ve thrown away all the houseplants and I left the front door open so the cat can find its own water source. There are a lot of tips and tricks to help keep water usage down to a minimum. I’m doing my part. What the hell are you doing to help?

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Draining the Hot Water

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from, you always have to haze the new guy. Servers are no different. You send the rookie out to accomplish an impossible task. Different restaurants do different things, but draining the hot water is one of the best and most traditional ways to haze somebody new. The premise is simple: you ask them to drain the hot water from the coffee machine. Most industrial coffee machines have a hose keeps it constantly supplied with water, but the newbie doesn’t know that. They will stand there and fill pitcher after pitcher until they eventually give up out of frustration or have somebody take pity on them and tell them it’s a prank. Either way the victim feels stupid and everyone else laughs at him. But it’s not an insult; it’s a form of initiation. If you ever find yourself draining hot water, the only way to redeem yourself is to wait a few months until they rehire and then get the new guy. It’s the circle of life.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Clogged Shower Drain

A clogged shower drain is a terrible way to start the day. I woke up, shuffled down the hall to the bathroom, turned on the shower and started brushing my teeth while the water warmed up, which is my usual morning routine. I finished brushing, then stepped into the shower and instantly knew that something was wrong. It was like splashing into a puddle. The drain was clogged and the water level was rising. It’s a shower/bathtub combo so there was no danger of overflowing, but it was still quite disheartening. I wanted a shower, not a bath. I turned off the water and busted out the plunger. You know you’re going to have a shitty day when you’re using a plunger before you’ve even had a cup of coffee. After fucking around with the plunger for a while, I realized that it wasn’t doing much. In fact, it wasn’t doing anything. I ended up delaying my shower so I could slap on some deodorant and run to the store to buy some Drano. Then I had to pour the Drano down the drain and wait for another half hour while it did its thing. All in all, it took me almost 90 minutes to take a fucking shower. The things we do for hygiene.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Rockstar Energy Water – Blueberry Pomegranate Acai

Bottled water is a product that shouldn’t even exist. It’s like canned air or a container of sunlight. But people buy bottled water and they buy it a lot and there is profit to be had. There used to be only a few brands of bottled water, now there are dozens of different brands. Then Vitamin Water came out, and that caused a whole bunch of other companies to come out with their own brands of super water. Thanks to the consumer power of sheep, we now have Rockstar Energy Water. It’s water infused with B vitamins, taurine, and caffeine. There are a few different flavors but I tried the Blueberry Pomegranate Acai. It’s less than 1% juice, with no sugar and no calories. There’s a very slight aftertaste, it’s hardly noticeable but it’s there.

This isn’t water. This is a water-based beverage. I don’t think you can legally call this water anymore. Water is made of hydrogen and oxygen. That’s a pretty short list of ingredients. Rockstar Energy Water has 17 ingredients including magnesium lactate, acesulfame potassium, and pyridoxine hydrochloride. Nothing enhances water like a bunch of random chemicals. There’s no way that this shit is good for you. At least soda doesn’t lie and pretend to be healthy. I think it’s time to put an end to super water.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cold Showers

People like being clean and taking showers helps people get clean. There are two main types of showers: hot or cold. Hot showers are the normal choice for normal people. They like water so hot it scalds their skin and fogs up the mirror. It’s warm, it’s inviting, it feels so right. Then there are cold showers. Most people regard cold showers as a form of torture or a sign that you need a new hot water heater. But some people actually like cold showers. They say a cold shower is refreshing, that it wakes them up. I think getting drenched with ice-cold water would be a lousy way to start the day. But it’s cool if you’re into that sort of thing; it just means there’s more hot water for me.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Turning on the Faucet When You’re Taking a Shit

You ate some bad seafood and it’s not agreeing with your stomach. You run down the hall to the bathroom and make it just before your bowels erupt. You’re a little embarrassed because it’s coming out fast and it’s coming out furious. You turn on the sink to try to drown out the noise. It masks the sound slightly, but turning on the faucet when you’re taking a shit is unnecessary. Everyone already knows that you’re pooping. The sound of running water isn’t fooling anyone and it doesn’t do anything to hide the stench. It just gives you a little piece of mind and makes you less self-conscious about your bowel movements. It also reminds you to wash your hands when you finish.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Adding Water to Juice

A few months ago, I saw my friend pour himself a half glass of cranberry juice and then top it off with water. I laughed at him and then went home and copied him. In this economy, you need to get more bang for your buck. You need to stretch every dollar. Adding water to juice is a good way to save your money and have more to drink. Cranberry juice is already kind of bitter, if you dilute it with water it still tastes cranberryish. It’s good for babies and good for your budget. Don’t think of it as being cheap, consider it being frugal.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Hand Sanitzer

Hand sanitizer is a foam, gel, or liquid that you put on your hands to kill germs, viruses, and bacteria. It’s a quick way to make sure you won’t get Ebola before eating. Some people are germaphobes and are constantly sanitizing their hands. The more you use it, the less effective it gets, so don’t use it every five minutes. Some people use it as an excuse to avoid washing their hands with soap and water. The end result is a germ-free hand that still looks fucking filthy. Hand sanitizer doesn’t kill dirt.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Taking a Shower and Forgetting Your Towel

Every once in a while you fail to follow your routine, and that can have some serious consequences. Like when you finish your shower and realize that you didn’t bring your fucking towel. Now you have a few options. You can flail you limbs wildly in a vain attempt to shake off the water. You can drip your way out of the bathroom and down the hall until you get to your towel. Or you can use a shit ton of toilet paper to sop off the excess moisture. I often wonder how MacGyver would handle the situation. No matter what, you know your day is going to be shitty when you start off by taking a shower and forgetting your towel.

Critically Rated at 5/17

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Water With No Ice

I’m in the service industry and people order water all the time. Water is free. They get water with a soda, they get it with a cocktail, they get it when they don’t want to pay for a drink. So if you order a just a water and I bring it to you and then you suddenly specify that you want a water with no ice, I want to throw that shit in your face. Fuck you. Ice is fucking water. If you want water with no ice, let it sit and melt and don’t fucking bother me. If you order just a water then I know you are cheap and I know you won’t tip. That’s why I gave you water with ice, I’m hoping you will choke on a cube.

Critically Rated at 1/17

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