Monthly Archives: April 2012

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

There are comedies and there are Judd Apatow comedies. Comedies just try to make you laugh. Judd Apatow tries to make you laugh and cry and he usually succeeds. He makes dramadies. They are more reminiscent of real life; they are full of real situations that you can relate to, they just happen to much prettier and wittier people. In Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Jason Segel plays Peter Bretter, who decides that going to Hawaii is the best way to get over his ex-girlfriend. Of course she shows up at the same resort with her new boyfriend, and Peter must find a way to start forgetting Sarah Marshall.

It’s easy to forget about your hot ex-girlfriend when you get a hot new girlfriend. Mila Kunis plays Rachel, the hot new girlfriend. She’s a concierge at the hotel that Peter stays at. They strike up a friendship that eventually evolves into a relationship, but she is reluctant to get involved with a tourist.

Jason Segel is a great comedic actor. Mila Kunis is sexy and funny and brunette. Kristen Bell is sexy and funny and blonde. Russell Brand plays Sarah’s new boyfriend, famous rock star Aldous Snow. Jonah Hill, Paul Rudd, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, and a whole bunch of other funny people also make cameos. The whole cast is solid, and they play off each other well.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is about moving on from a doomed relationship. Through a bunch of random flashback depicting the highs and lows of their time together, you see how they just don’t mesh well. They are both the victim and the villain, and that happens a lot. Relationships don’t always work out, but that doesn’t mean one person is at fault.

There’s a running gag about Peter’s unfinished Dracula musical done with puppets. You hear a few songs and see a couple of scenes from the play. I hope that they make a full length Muppet Dracula movie. This flick just wetted my appetite. I want the real thing.

If you’ve never seen this movie, you should. I’m warning you know that there the movie is bookended by shlong. It’s not like Watchmen, it’s not an awkward CG blue shlong, but it’s there and it’s unnecessary and I don’t like that I’ve written this much about Jason Sigel’s cock.

There’s a half-assed sequel about Aldous Snow that changes his character around completely, but it doesn’t have anything to do with this movie. This movie is good. It’s relatable, there are lots of quotable lines, and it’s an honest comedy. You can tell that it was a passion project for Jason Segel. He did a great job and made a great movie. Kudos to him. I’ll always remember Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Hand Lotion

Hand lotion is important. It keeps your hands from getting died out. In an arid climate, it’s a godsend. It’s always good to have hand lotion around. Just be careful where you leave it. If you’re a guy and you have your lotion next to a box of Kleenex, you are viewed as a pervert. There’s no way to avoid the situation. It looks like masturbating is your favorite hobby. Hand lotion and Kleenex should be at least five feet from each other at all times, or else people will talk.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Things You Say Wrong

My mom’s an English teacher and I’m an asshole, so I’m a grammar nazi. I’m also hip to technology, and so I’m on the Facebook. When I go on Facebook and see that your day was better than mine and you spelled something wrong, it’s only natural that I will correct you. It makes me feel better about myself.

If you’ve ever called someone and told them their refrigerator was running, and that they should go catch it, you just did a “crank call”, not a “prank call”. Yes, it was a prank, but it was a crank call.

If you ever said, “I should of” done something, you should’ve paid attention in school. You would’ve gotten better grades if you realized that “could have” is abbreviated to “could’ve”, which sounds like “could of”. But one of them makes sense, and one of them makes you seem retarded.

“Your” is possessive. “You’re” means “you are”. If you say “Your dumb”, it means that you’re dumb.

When you shower you are “buck naked”, not “butt naked”. I don’t know why, but that’s just what it is. I don’t make the rules: I just point them out and try to make you feel stupid.

Sticking your middle finger up is “flipping” people off, not “flicking” them off. You are flipping the bird, not flicking off a booger.

While I’m on the subject of shit you say wrong, let me address the fact that it is 2012. Almost everyone has a smart phone. With a full keyboard. So there is no need to be typing like a 6th grader in an AOL chat room. You aren’t saving that much time by writing out “C U 2 @ 8 tom”. It just makes you seem dumb and lazy. It’s time to grow up. Would you respect a lawyer or a doctor who can’t or won’t spell a three-letter word?

Everyone uses computers. We have spelling and grammar corrected automatically. And people still suck at the basics. It’s pathetic. The world thinks Americans are dumb, and when I go on Facebook and see these pathetically monkey-typed statuses I can’t blame them for thinking that.

I really hoped that I fucked up multiple times writing this article. Then you could point out more mistakes from another dumb American.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Forgetting to Clip One Nail

I clip my fingernails every few days. I usually do a good job at it too. I trim them all, and they look decently presentable. But every once in a while I forget to clip one fingernail. Occasionally it’s a thumbnail. There’s only one solution: to bite it off. Just make sure no one sees you biting it, cause they will judge you and label you a nail biter. All because of forgetting to clip one fingernail.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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The Incredibles

Pixar knows how to make good movies. They don’t always make them (Cars 2, cough cough), but they know how to make them. And The Incredibles is a good movie. Director Brad Bird’s film is about a man burdened with a family trying to relive his old glory days. When he was a superhero. And his family all have powers too, but they aren’t super enough, and so he ditches them on fake business trips to fight crime for a mysterious boss that ends up being his arch-nemesis. It’s not just a great computer animated movie; it’s also one of the best superhero movies to date.

Craig T. Nelson provides the voice for Mr. Incredible, Holly Hunter plays his wife, Elastigirl. Samuel L. Jackson plays Frozone. And Jason Lee steals the flick as Syndrome, the evil villain who turned to crime after Mr. Incredible rejected him as a sidekick. Holly Hunter has a weird lispy voice and it’s not fun to listen to. She’s the only complaint I have with the casting. Everyone else is great and helps out the movie. She’s a decent actress, but her voice makes me want to rupture my eardrums with a sharpened pencil.

Superheroes are larger than life. Especially in this movie. The Incredibles do, well, incredible things. Mr. Incredible is super strong. Elastigirl is super flexible. The daughter Violet can turn invisible and project force fields. The son Dash has super speed. And baby Jack-Jack can do anything. They all have amazing powers and gifts, but it’s the family dynamic that you relate to. It grounds the movie in reality, so that when fantastic things start happening you actually care about what happens to them. If you make your characters believable, the unbelievable seems more likely. This is the first Pixar movie where people are the main characters. People like talking toys and bugs, but they can relate to other people easier.

Originally this movie was going to be traditionally animated. It might have still been a decent movie, but the scope of the movie would have been lost. The action sequences are dynamic, and the sets are impressive and immersive. Computers make better environments that hand-drawn pictures on paper can’t emulate. The Incredibles has to be a computer-animated movie; live-action or traditional animation doesn’t suit the tone of the movie.

This is a movie that you can watch with anyone. You want to share this experience. It’s a great family flick, but you can watch it with your spouse or secret lover, you can watch it after the Super Bowl with a couch full of drunks. Grandma can watch it. Little Timmy can watch it. And everyone will be entertained. People like to be entertained.

The Incredibles is an awesome movie. It is why people go to the movies. They want to laugh and cry, and be thrilled and be taken on a ride. You want to see things that you’ve never seen before, and if it’s a good movie, you want to see those things again and again. If you can watch a movie multiple times and it’s still fresh and exciting, than it’s a good piece of art. Good job Brad Bird. Good job Pixar. You done good. Now make a sequel already.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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Boxers

Guys like going commando. Free and easy, just letting it all hang out, free ballin’… it’s a great feeling.  But society looks down on that. Freedom is for people, not for penises and scrotums to enjoy. Society stresses underwear. Sorry genitals. But there is a great option: boxers. They are like the loose shorts of the underwear world. It’s like going commando without the guilt. Now your junk can enjoy the breeze, and you’re not a sleaze. Boxer briefs are dumb. They look dumb and they are dumb. Whitie-tighties are even dumber. Those are some intellectually inferior undergarments. So dumb. Boxers are smart. Your junk won’t lose circulation, you have easy access for urination, and everyday is a celebration.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Ghostbusters II

If there’s something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters! I’m not trying to be clever, who else would you call? Who else is even a possibility? Harold Ramis, Dan Aykroyd, Ernie Hudson and Bill Murray are the Ghostbusters, and they’re back in their second film, again directed by Ivan Reitman. The first film is a classic; there is no denying that. But this is a great sequel, and I know a lot of people consider this blasphemy, but I think it is on par, or maybe even better than the original. That doesn’t mean it’s better, it means it’s more Ghostbustery.

The first film of a franchise generally spends a lot of time introducing and establishing characters. In sequels, you already know the main characters, so you can just jump right into the story. That’s how Ghostbusters II starts. It begins five years after the events of the first movie, and the Ghostbusters are no more. But this is a sequel, and the stakes have to be higher. Right of the bat, pink slime is creeping out of cracks in the sidewalk and Dana Barrett’s baby goes for a wild ride in his carriage. She goes to Egon and Ray for help, and the Ghostbusters reunite to find out what is going on.

What is going on is that the soul of a 17th Century tyrant is slowly regaining power and is threatening to take on a physical form and take over the world. That’s pretty shady. Vigo the Carpathian is a much more formidable opponent than a giant marshmallow man. I think that a scary painting that comes to life (who also controls a river of slime) is a little bit scarier than a demon that lives in a refrigerator and a giant candy mascot. Vigo uses Dana Barrett’s boss, Dr. Janosz Poha (Peter MacNicol), to try to kidnap Dana’s baby, Oscar. Oscar is going to the vessel, the body that Vigo will take over.

Naturally the Ghostbusters have a problem with this, and since Dana Barrett is a paying customer, they have to take him down. They discover a river of slime running underneath New York. They find out that the slime is a psyscho-reactive substance, a manifestation of negative emotions, and that it feeds off of angry, surly New Yorkers. The more pissed off and negative they are, the more powerful Vigo and his slime gets, and that in turn releases more and more ghosts. The Ghostbusters find out a way to use happy, positive emotions to control the slime, and use technology to animate the Statue of Liberty in order to fight the ghosts, because that makes total sense. Janosz successfully kidnaps Oscar, and the Ghostbusters have until 12:00 on New Year’s Eve to save the world.

There are a few reasons why this sequel is as good or better than the original. First off, everybody likes Slimer. And Slimer had a decent intro in the first movie, but he is actually helpful in this movie. He drives Louis to the museum, which was pretty important to advancing the plot. Slimer is the ghost mascot of the Ghostbusters, he was hardly in the first movie, but was featured prominently in the cartoon show and this sequel. There are better and more elaborate ghost-catching montages. Rick Moranis is awesome. And his character, Louis Tully, is expanded and has a lot more lines and scenes. He even gets some loving from Janine, the Ghostbuster’s secretary (who also has a bigger and better role to play). Even Ernie Hudson gets more screen time as Winston. Remember that there are four Ghostbusters, and Winston only showed up halfway through the first movie and didn’t do anything really. Winston is there from the get-go and has a cool first scene with Ray as they work a birthday party, establishing that they are now failures. He’s still not quite a lead, but his character actually involved in the plot now.

Vigo the Carpathian is a terrifying villain. He’s a creepy painting that slowly becomes more and more powerful throughout the film. The first movie uses demons named Zuul and Gozer, but you hardly see them. The destructor arrives in the form of the gigantic Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. I know it’s comedy, but that shit’s absurd even for the ‘80s. Vigo is scary. He even turns the comical Janosz into a disturbing henchman for the underworld… the scene were his eyes become headlights will forever be etched into my memory.

The first movie had great moments. It will always be a classic. But I think that this sequel did more to establish Ghostbusters as a franchise. There are a lot of iconic Ghostbusters moments in this one…. The Statue of Liberty, Slimer the Bus Driver, more Winston, more Louis, the river of slime, the courthouse ghosts, baby-eating bathtubs… the list goes on and on.

Ghostbusters is a great movie. Ghostbusters II is a great sequel and a great movie. They celebrate that they are back, and you are glad they are. And Bill Murray is reason enough to watch this movie. So watch it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Cheese Pizza

I just don’t see the point of ordering a cheese pizza. If you order a pizza, you should get a topping. Pizza comes with cheese on it already. It’s so boring too. At least get peperoni or something. If you’re a vegetarian, get a veggie combo or add mushrooms or something. Ordering a cheese pizza is like ordering a hot fudge sundae without hot fudge, nuts, or a cherry. It’s just vanilla ice cream and it’s not worth it. Cheese is good, they know that, that’s why they already included it on your pizza. Do you wanna suck on a popsicle or an ice cube? Put something else on it, you cheap tasteless bastard.

Critically Rated at 2/17

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Grown Ups

Adam Sandler, David Spade, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, Kevin James, Maya Rudolph, Salma Hayek, and Maria Bello are Grown Ups…. Dennis Dugan directs this coming of age tale about a bunch of grown ups that have already become of age.

Adam Sandler plays the successful friend, the one who feels like he has to hide his social status from his friends. Kevin James plays the unsuccessful friend, the one who feels he has to hide his social status from his friends. Chris Rock plays the house husband, the one who feels he has to hide his social status from his friends. David Spade plays the perpetually single friend, the one who feels like he has to hide his social status from his friends. Rob Schneider plays the guy who likes older women, the one who feels like he needs to his social status from his friends.

If Chris Farley were still alive, he would play the same character as Kevin James and the movie wouldn’t suck as much. As it is, the movie sucks. It just seems likes Adam Sandler wanted to hang out with a bunch of SNL friends and make a mediocre movie. Mission accomplished. This movie kind of sucks.

There are a few good moments and redeeming qualities about this movie. They stress the importance of being a kid and being outdoors. If you are a kid, standing by a lake, and you have a smooth stone in your hand, you are obligated to skip that stone. It is an essential step to obtaining manhood. There are a lot of funny moments and moments that you can relate to. But this whole movie falls flat. It just seems rushed, like it’s a TV movie and not a theatrical production. It feels like they just tried filming a scene two or three times, called it a day and moved on. A lot of key moments just end up being unrelatable, but you see the genuine intent behind them.

This is not a great movie. It is not a bad movie. It is not a mediocre movie. It is an Adam Sandler movie, and it will make you laugh. It will not change your life; it will not affect your world. Watch it, enjoy it, like it, and move on. It’s funny, but isn’t required viewing.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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Old Spice Denali Anti-Perspirant & Deodorant

Guys sweat and sweat smells bad and guys need to smell good to get girls. And so they invented deodorant to keeps you from smelling bad. It wasn’t enough, and so they upped the ante and made anti-perspirant so you don’t sweat either. Old Spice is the best deodorant for guys. It’s like a tradition that passes from father to son. Everyone’s used Old Spice at some point. The Denali scent “smells like wilderness, open air & freedom”.  It’s a very crisp, clean scent, and the ladies like to smell my armpits when I wear it. Look out for white powder residue, that shit gets everywhere.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Batman: The Killing Joke

Alan Moore has some amazing stories under his belt, and Batman: The Killing Joke is another one in his arsenal. It is just one issue, but it’s the best Joker story written. Batman and the Joker are two sides of the same coin, and like Harry Potter and Voldemort, neither can live while the other survives.

The Joker escapes from Arkham Asylum, shoots and paralyzes Barbara Gordon, and kidnaps Commissioner Gordon. The Joker thinks that anyone can end up like him; all it takes is one bad day. The Joker wants to break Gordon, to make him go insane. Batman has a problem with this and sets out to save Gordon and confront the Joker.

The story flashes back to the Joker’s early life, before he was crazy. He’s a failed comedian who agrees to help out some gangsters stage a robbery to get some much needed cash. Before the heist, his wife and unborn child die in a freak accident. He has no reason to commit the crime now, but he’s forced into it. The caper doesn’t go as planned, and long story short, shit goes down and he becomes the Joker.

The main storyline and the flashbacks echo each other. The panels have a lot of parallels: similar character poses and arrangements provide a seamless transition between the past and present. Brian Bolland’s art is amazing. It suits the story perfectly.

Batman and the Joker are both the result of one bad day. They just channeled their pain in different ways. Batman chose to face reality and fight crime. The Joker chose to embrace insanity and fight reality. He truly is crazy. He even admits that he can’t trust his own memories: “Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another… If I’m going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice!”.  There is an iconic ending. The Joker tells Batman a joke and they share a laugh. It makes you wonder if Batman is also insane

.

Batman comics are awesome. Alan Moore comics are awesome. Alan Moore Batman Comics are exponentially awesome. That’s a lot of awesome. This is a really good story. It’s a really important Batman comic. It’s also really short, so you have no reason to not read it. So read it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Pretzel M&M’s

Candy is good. Chocolate is a good candy. M&M’s are a popular chocolate candy. Snacks are good. Pretzels are a good snack. Pretzels are a popular snack. People like to combine good things. Like chocolate and pretzels. The makers of M&M’s figured this out, and we’ve been able to enjoy Pretzel M&M’s ever since. And life has been good. If you like bite-sized chocolate candies, but wish there was a crunchy, salty pretzel center, this is the product for you.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Jackass: The Movie

There aren’t too many TV shows that are able to make the transition to the big screen, much less be successful enough to spawn a few sequels. It’s even more impressive that a reality show could become a comedic cinematic franchise. There’s not even a plot or a theme, it’s just a bunch of clips. And it’s awesome.

Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Ryan Dunn, Chris Pontius, Steve-O, Wee Man, Ehren McGhehey, Preston Lacy, Dave England and the late Ryan Dunn are a new breed of stuntmen. They play practical jokes on each other and on unsuspecting people, but they also do extremely dangerous stunts. Johnny Knoxville almost died a few times filming this movie. They also do painful things, like intentionally getting paper cuts on the webbing between their fingers and toes. I can still hear the whole theater groaning and squirming when Steve-O paper cuts the corner of his mouth.

Jackass is a rarity. It came out before YouTube was huge. I don’t think a group of friends could become movie stars filming themselves being dumbasses anymore. Johnny Knoxville sort of made the conversion to acting, he’s been in a lot of movies where he doesn’t have to get a concussion to get screen time. The rest of the Jackass crew are just having fun being young and stupid, and you can tell that their laughs are genuine. In Jackass Number Two, they are a little bit older, a little bit more extreme. You can tell they are starting to go through the motions. By the third one, they are looking a lot older, and they aren’t having as much fun. You can tell that it’s a paycheck movie, they don’t really want to be doing this shit anymore, they just have to because it’s their job. And Steve-O sucks when he’s sober.

Ryan Dunn is the heart of the Jackass crew. He did all the things that no one else wanted to do. Like sticking a toy car up his ass and acting mystified when the doctor shows him the X-rays. He seemed the most genuine of the guys. He didn’t have the ego that Johnny Knoxville or Bam Margera has, and only those two guys and Steve-O are more famous than him. It was pretty sad when he passed away. At least he won’t be forgotten.

Jackass: The Movie doesn’t need a plot or a story. There’s not denying that it has characters though. These guys are nuts, and they do dumb, dangerous and sometimes disturbing stunts and we get to sit back and laugh at them. Watch them movie if you haven’t yet, but I wouldn’t watch it with your grandma.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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One-Strap Gap Backpacks

I remember doing back to school shopping with my mom a few days before I started high school. I remember thinking that I’m going to a brand new school, that I could start a brand new me. A cool new me. And a One-Strap Gap Backpack would set me apart; I would be cool and trendy and would stand out. I would soon find out that those backpacks suck. They can’t hold shit, they are uncomfortable, and there was nothing wrong with the old two-strap backpacks. That was way back in 1999. Right around the time as those dumb ergonomic keyboards that were supposed to change the world. No one uses those stupid things anymore. But I still see people with One-Strap Gap Backpacks. It’s quaint. It’s as close as a Californian comes to seeing Amish people.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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Shrek Forever After

Shrek is a great movie. Shrek 2 is almost as great, but is even funnier. Shrek the Third sucked. Sucked, sucked, sucked. Terrible, horrible, awful…. But Shrek Forever After is pretty good, a much improved film over the third flick. And it has a pun in the title. Mike Mitchell directs and Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas all return.

In Shrek Forever After, Shrek makes a bad wish and the evil Rumpelstiltskin erases the day he was born. So basically Shrek has 24 hours to get Fiona to kiss him with Donkey’s help or he will fade from existence. The problem is that because he was never born, Donkey and Fiona don’t recognize him. Shrek and Donkey aren’t friends, and Fiona doesn’t love him.

Everybody has seen Shrek. Ok, maybe not everybody, but most cool people have. And if you are cool and have seen Shrek, you probably liked it and watched it a few times. Maybe you even bought it, I don’t know. But if you’ve seen it a few times, you know it pretty well, and so it’s pretty cool to go back and explore all the differences from the first movie. This movie goes back to the original movie, and tries it’s best to recreate it while still being it’s own movie. I hope that makes sense.

There’s an actual plot. It’s an interesting story, and it doesn’t need to rely on outdated pop culture references to help lengthen the running time (like in Shrek 3). It’s not a classic movie like the first in the franchise. It’s not even as good as Shrek 2. But it’s a solid sequel, a worthy addition to the franchise. Shrek 3 should not have been made, but Shrek 4 is a good story. If they had a box set without the third movie I would buy it.

There are a few new characters like Rumpelstiltskin and the Pied Piper and a whole bunch of ogres. Even returning characters have different personalities because this is an alternate reality, a “what if” story. It’s kind of a refreshing look at familiar characters.

Watch it if you liked the first two Shrek movies. Ignore the third one. You’re not missing much. They called this one The Final Chapter, but I can see them making another one. It made $752,600,867 worldwide and that’s enough incentive to put Shrek back on the big screen. I know they made a Puss in Boots spin-off but that’s not the same thing. I can’t think of a good movie title pun for it though.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Bear Republic Racer X Double IPA

Bear Republic is a microbrewer from Healdsburg, CA. Racer X Double IPA is a strong India Pale Ale. It’s malty and hoppy, and that makes me happy. The 8.3% alcohol content makes me even happier. If you like IPAs, Double IPAs are even better. And this is a good one to try. So try it if you can. I did, and I was glad that I got it. I’ll get it again too.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Marvels

Kurt Busiek’s Marvels is an epic history of key moments in the Marvel Universe. Instead of being shown from the side of metahumans, it is shown from the side of regular people. Marvels is the story of photojournalist Phil Sheldon. He experiences firsthand the awe and fear that superheroes inspire. The Human Torch, Namor, Captain America, the Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, a few X-Men and tons of other Marvel characters make appearances.

The story is pretty interesting, but once again the artwork takes center stage. Alex Ross is an amazing artist. Marvels lets him cut loose and depict iconic figures and important moments in the Marvel Universe is stunning, almost photorealistic paintings. Kingdom Come was all aged DC characters, well past their prime. Marvels depicts most of the important Marvel characters in all their glory. The panels seem to come to life.

If superheroes were real, life would be pretty shitty for normal people. And there are a lot more normal people than superheroes. Therefore, the world would be pretty shitty. People would live in a constant state of fear. They would rely on heroes to save them, because that’s what heroes do. But if they don’t get saved, they blame the heroes. If the heroes save the world, the normal people will forget after awhile. Marvels tries to tackle those issues. Phil Sheldon fears the Marvels, grows to accept them, rely on them, and ultimately defend them.

Marvels is a pretty awesome comic. The four issues cram a lot of important Marvel events and characters into a cohesive and interesting story. The artwork transcends the material, and your jaw drops with each turn of the page. It is simply beautiful art. It helps to humanize the heroes, makes them more down-to-earth and approachable, while at the same time idolizing them and putting them on a pedestal. Go read this now. Or at least Google Image Alex Ross paintings and admire those.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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