Tag Archives: tongue

When a Dog Licks Its Ass and then Kisses Your Face

My girlfriend has a cute little dog with a big nasty habit. He likes to lick his butthole and then he tries to lick your face. I learned fairly quickly to rebuff his advances. I’ve often wondered why dogs are so eager to go down on themselves. They will lick and slobber all over their genitalia and poop chutes like the world is ending. Then they try desperately to make out with you. They know that it’s disgusting. They are just trying to prove to you that they are really in charge. They are in control. They have the power. That’s why they lick your face with a contaminated tongue. Nobody likes it when a dog licks its ass and then kisses your face. At least I hope that’s the case. I’m sure some people are into that sort of thing. If you fall into that category, please stay away from me and any dogs that I am affiliated with. And stay five hundred yards away from any pet store.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Eating Popcorn With Your Tongue

 As a kid I had the habit of grabbing a handful of popcorn and using my tongue to snag each morsel like I was a giant lizard. It was the best way to eat popcorn. My hands formed a big bowl and I could eat individual kernels instead of simply stuffing my face. It was a practical solution to a popcorn problem that only a child could have come up with. I applaud everyone else who also discovered lizard licking their popcorn. Eating popcorn with your tongue is easy. Get a handful of popcorn and shoot your tongue out at the popcorn. Your tongue will hit a kernel and stick to it slightly. As soon as your tongue makes contact, retract your tongue. The kernel should end up in your mouth if you did everything correctly. Eat the kernel and repeat the process. Don’t drool. That won’t impress anyone.

 Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

  

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Picking Your Nose With Your Tongue

I was on the train today during rush hour. That means we were packed in there, jammed together like sardines. I was face to face with one guy, probably around twenty-eight years hold who was reading a book. Every now and then he would flick his tongue into a nostril, wiggle it around some, retract it, do a slight nibble, and then repeat the process on his other nostril. It took me a few lizard licks to realize that he was picking his nose with his tongue. It was as impressive as it was disgusting. I’ve seen a lot of shit in San Francisco. I’ve never experienced anything quite like that. My tongue can’t extend that far. Even if it could, I wouldn’t do that. Boogers are meant to be flicked, not eaten.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H Young

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Saying the Wrong Thing

Humans are lucky creatures because we have the ability to express our thoughts to other humans. But sometimes shit gets lost in translation and you end up saying the wrong thing. The other night my friend was talking about her childhood and her memories as a four-year-old. I wanted to know how long ago that was, like the year that it was when she was four. But the words got jumbled up on the way from my brain to my tongue, and I ended up asking her “How old were you when you were four?” I didn’t mean to ask her a trick question, and it took a few seconds for what I said to sink in. Saying the wrong thing is like accidently spitting when you talk… you didn’t mean to do it, but it happened and you can’t avoid it. All you can do is suck it up, laugh at yourself, and own up to it. Eventually someone else will say the wrong thing and your gaffe will be forgotten.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Biting Your Tongue

            Your tongue lives in your mouth fulltime. You eat and drink and talk all the fucking time without biting your tongue. But every few years you will randomly bite your tongue. It’s a horrible feeling when your hard tooth punctures your soft tongue. It hurts like a motherfucker, you’ll see stars, blood will start gushing, and you wont be able to do anything but whimper and groan. You always feel the need to share the fact that you just bit your tongue with the people around you. They don’t care, but they will pretend to sympathize with you. Biting your tongue is a stupid inevitability. You can’t avoid it. Everyone will be the idiot who bit his tongue at some point in their lives. Hopefully you won’t bite it all the way off like my friend did the other night (totally worth it though).

            Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Accents

I’m a big fan of accents. They tell a story. They tell you where the person came from, if they speak another language, and different regions have different speech patterns and different sounds so you can learn a lot from their vocal nuances. I like southern accents and English accents, but the best accents are from people who speak English as a second language. Language is like music and accents are like different instruments. You don’t always want to hear the same song on the piano. Sometimes you want it to be played on the guitar, or banged out on the drums, or tooted from a saxophone. When you hear a particularly delicious accent, you immediately want to emulate it. You want to hear that sound roll off your own tongue; you want to experience it too. So don’t be offended if you have an accent and I’m constantly copying you and asking you to repeat particular phrases. I’m not making fun of you. I like the way you talk and I wish you’d talk some more. Especially if you have a mysterious European accent.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Gleeking

Gleeking has nothing to do with a cult TV show about singing high school kids. Gleeking is when you project saliva from underneath your tongue. It usually happens randomly, but I know some people who can do it at will. I can’t gleek on demand, it seems to only happen when I’m talking to a hot chick. If you accidently gleek on someone, just ignore it and pretend like nothing happened. Most people will act like they didn’t get gleeked on because they assume that you didn’t mean to spit on them.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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