Urban Dictionary

Urban Dictionary is a website where users can define a word or term so that the uninformed can become informed of what the damn kids are saying these days. Not sure what thicc means? Go to urbandictionary.com to find out.

You can upvote or downvote definitions so the most popular ones are viewed first. I know this because I defined Novato, my hometown, over a decade ago and I’m still the number one definition. That’s impressive. I should put it on my resume, along with the time that I won HQ. But alas, I’m too modest so I’ll stick to humble bragging on my blog that nobody reads anymore.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Zoomies

You know when a dog gets super excited and starts zipping around all crazily? Those are the zoomies. It’s one of the best things dogs do (it’s hard to top unconditional love for their masters though). My dog gets the zoomies when we let him off leash at the park or beach and usually whenever me or my girlfriend comes home from a long day at work.

I always knew about the zoomies but I didn’t know there was a term for it until I discovered the subreddit dedicated to them on Reddit. You better believe I wasted a whole afternoon glued to my phone after that discovery. Life doesn’t get much better that watching hyper dogs running around excitedly. Happy dogs make happy people.

Dogs weren’t meant to stay cooped up all day. They need space to run and play and let out all their energy. They need the zoomies. Don’t deny them that. And make sure you record them so you can upload them to the internet and share them with the world. We all deserve to enjoy the zoomies.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

My Good Deed at Jack in the Box

I work at a corporate restaurant and have dealt with a lot of shitty customers. I bite my tongue and turn the other cheek because I have to. The end result is that I hate cheap people who do scummy things to get free food. A few months ago I was at Jack in the Box and there was an irate customer in front of me yelling at the teenaged cashier. From what I gathered, the customer was really upset that the cashier asked him if he wanted only an Ultimate Cheeseburger or the entire meal. The customer was going off, calling the cashier all sorts of nasty things.

Then the customer fucked up and asked me a question: “Hey buddy, wouldn’t you be upset if you clearly ordered one thing and they kept on trying to get you to buy more things that you don’t want?”

Finally I had a chance to voice my opinion to a shitty customer without getting into any trouble. I looked that asshole dead in the eye and said “First off, I’m not your buddy. And no, I wouldn’t be upset that he’s asking if I want to upgrade to the meal. That’s his job. You seem like the type of person who would also complain if he didn’t offer you the meal. You’re cheap, you’re rude, and you’re wrong.”

The guy didn’t seem to like my answer very much and called me an asshole. I told him he was an angry person. He went back to yelling at the cashier before he stomped away without buying anything. I went up to the cashier to order. He thanked me for having his back and gave me a coupon for a Jumbo Jack. I told him that it was my pleasure. I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time. Who knew that good deeds could be so satisfying?

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

1 Comment

Filed under Random Rants

I Won HQ

Well, it finally happened. I won HQ. For those out of the loop, HQ is a live daily trivia gameshow that you play on your smartphone. You try to answer all twelve questions correctly and the winners split the jackpot. The questions come in a variety of categories like sports, history, pop culture, science, etc. Every now and then they have a themed game.

Last night’s game was focused on the American version of The Office. I was stoked and had a feeling I would do well. I watched it while it was airing weekly on NBC. It’s one of my Netflix background shows. I’ve also seen tons of YouTube compilations like Dwight’s best moments and every “That’s what she said!” so I felt prepared. I even had an extra life for playing five days in a row. I was at my dive bar and we had a group of eight each playing on our own phone. I had an extra life and I was sandwiched between two diehard fans of The Office. I was set.

The game began and the first few questions were easy as they always are. What was the name of the company they work for? Which character wasn’t in the pilot? The questions got harder as the game went on. I got knocked off around question seven. That extra life came in handy and I am not ashamed to have used it. I got back in the game and got right back in a grove. Which character didn’t dress up like a cat at Halloween? Who passed out at the Christmas party?

Before I knew it everyone else that I was playing with was eliminated and it was just me left. Everyone gathered around my phone and we worked together to advance me forward. I got to question twelve and the world got quiet and time slowed down. Where did Jim and Pam have their first kiss? I thought it was on the booze cruise but my friend Debbie said it was after the Dundies which was hosted at a chain restaurant. I went with her answer and victory was mine. I got it right. I finally won after eleven months of playing HQ. I celebrated. My fellow players cheered. The bartender rang the bar bell. My friend from Miami texted me congratulations. I became an HQ champion! I won fourteen cents. I’m not sure how much it will be after taxes, but that doesn’t matter. I won HQ. I don’t have to play anymore!

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Hiking Boots

I hiked Yosemite’s iconic Half Dome in June. It’s an epic sixteen miles and good hiking boots are essential to conquer the Dome. I used the hike as an excuse to get a new pair. I went to Sports Basement and tried on a few before settling on the Tor Tech mid waterproof shoe by Hoka One One. They are great hiking boots. They provide a lot of ankle support, they are really comfortable, relatively lightweight, provide great traction over rough terrain, and are waterproof. They are a bit too bulky to be an everyday shoe, but they make you want to go hiking so you have an excuse to wear them. This isn’t an advertisement for Hoka One One, it’s just an ode to hiking boots in general.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Bug Spray

I have eleven cans of bug spray in my house. That’s a lot of insect repellent. Most of them are slightly used and four of them are at least halfway gone. I don’t have a bug spray fetish. It’s not a collection. It’s an accumulation. I go hiking/camping a lot and always seem to forget to bring bug spray so then I have to make a pit stop and pick up a new can. I bring the can home and add it to my stash. It’s a vicious cycle. I haven’t gotten West Nile yet though, that’s gotta be worth something.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Your Hair Looks Nice Today

I overheard one of my coworkers saying “Your hair looks nice today!” to my manager. My manager thanked her. I don’t know why. “Your hair looks nice today” is not a real compliment. Why can’t her hair just be nice? Why did she have stress today? It’s the equivalent of saying that your hair is usually a mess but it looks good at this particular moment. It makes you question what your hair looks like on a daily basis. It’s like when someone comments that you’re in a good mood. That means you’re usually an asshole. You got to read between the lines. Not all compliments are compliments. Your hair looks nice today. Normally it doesn’t.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Fantasy Football

The NFL season is four weeks in and that means fantasy football is in full swing. Fantasy football is a game where you and your friends form a league and each person has their own team. It starts with a draft: each person picks real NFL players to fill out their own roster. Each week you play head to head against another friend, accumulating wins, losses, and points. There are surprise victories and stunning upsets. And a whole lot of shit talking. It’s not fantasy football without shit talking.

There is some skill involved, but it’s mostly luck. For example I currently have fifty points more than my league leader, but I’m in third place because I lost two close games and he is undefeated. I have more than a hundred points more the person in second, but she has won one more game than me so she’s better. Points are nice. Wins are what really matter though. As the great Vin Diesel says, “It doesn’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning is winning.” If you win you are obligated to let your opponent know that you beat them with an insulting GIF and a taunting message in the group chat. It’s the only way to play.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Cursive

I spent the majority of third grade learning to write cursive alongside my classmates. We had to use cursive on every paper in fourth, fifth, and sixth grade. Then we got to seventh grade and we didn’t have to use it anymore. Papers were either typed or written in print. It’s been two decades since the last time I used cursive regularly.

I wrote my name in cursive today, just to see if I could still do it. I could. It looked sloppy but it was legible. I was actually a little impressed with myself. It became a bit of a game. I challenged my coworkers to write their names too. Most of them succeeded but there were a few spectacular failures.

Learning cursive was a huge waste of time. We should have learned how to code instead.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Three Thousand Meter Run

I went to a private school that was kindergarten through eighth grade. Once a year there was a school wide track and field day. All the students from grade 4-8 would choose two events and everyone had their moments to experience the glory of competition. The most popular events drew the best athletes, I thought I could cheat the system and get a medal by choosing a fringe event. Instead of competing against fifty kids in the hundred meter dash or high jump, I chose the three thousand meter run against six kids.

I was in fourth grade at the time, making me ten years old. I was the youngest one in the race, the others were all thirteen or fourteen and had been running the three thousand for years. They dominated me. I was so slow and they were so far ahead and there was no way I could beat them. I forget how many laps we had to complete but it was a lot, and that was a long time to know that I’m going to be in dead last. I just put my head down and kept on running around the track.

After a while I heard cheering. I thought someone finally won and it would be over soon. I kept running. I heard more cheering. I kept running. More cheers. And then my name. I realized that the cheers were for me. My fellow fourth graders were cheering for me, rooting me on. They didn’t care that I was clearly losing. They just didn’t want me to give up. I can’t remember how long it took me to cross the finish line but I did it and I did it because of them. It was a great feeling. Like something out of a Disney sports movie. I never ran the three thousand again. I never needed to. I already did it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

I Have Two Places in San Francisco

I moved into my girlfriend’s place a few weeks ago. It’s a big step in our relationship and our lives. Congratulations to us. It was not as smooth of a transition as it could have been because I still had to pay the last month’s rent for my old spot. It was a waste of eleven hundred bucks, but I technically have two residences in San Francisco right now. That’s twice as many as the average person. I believe that makes me a baller. I can either sleep downtown or retreat to my quieter house in the Presidio. I have options. I only have another week of dual residency and you can bet that I’ll be gloating as much as I can while I can. How many places do you have in San Francisco? Oh, I have two. Two places in San Francisco in 2018. That’s just how I roll. It’s more convenient than having one.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

SpikedSeltzer

I’m a beer drinker. I like to drink beer. But sometimes beer is too heavy and I want a lighter alternative. That’s when I go for SpikedSeltzer. SpikedSeltzer is a brand of alcohol-infused sparkling water. It comes in a variety of flavors, each one is crisp and refreshing with a 6% alcohol content and only five grams of carbs per 16oz can. You can drink it straight from the can, but it tastes better over ice. You can even use it as a mixer. It comes in cranberry, lemon, lime, orange, and grapefruit.

They can be dangerous because you can’t taste the alcohol. It tastes just like sparkling water. Maybe it is psychological but I feel like it doesn’t dehydrate me. It’s my new alcohol of choice if I want to get a buzz while being active or for day drinking under the sun. The biggest downside to SpikedSeltzer is that it’s not really popular yet. I went to six different stores around my house to find it and didn’t have any luck. I found a twelve pack of it at Target and snatched it up. If you happen to come across it, don’t hesitate to pick it up. It’s worth it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Robin Williams: Come Inside My Mind

Robin Williams: Come Inside My Mind is a 2018 documentary about the iconic comedian. Robin Williams was one of a kind, renowned for his quick wit and manic energy. Director Marina Zenovich takes you on a journey through his life, starting with his childhood, exploring how he developed his talent, the highs and lows of his comedy and acting career, revealing aspects of his private life, and ultimately his final days and his enduring legacy.

I was kind of reluctant to watch it at first. It was kind of late to be starting a two hour movie, and I was afraid that it would be depressing. It wasn’t. I was laughing and learning and reminiscing for pretty much the whole running time. It only got sad towards the end as his mind started to betray him and his talent slipped away.

The documentary is pretty thorough but doesn’t cover everything. It goes into behind-the-scenes stories from a lot of his movies, but omits Hook for some reason. It loses a couple of points for that. It also doesn’t delve into his habit of stealing jokes from other comedians. Yeah, he was brilliant but a lot of his jokes came from other people. They should have addressed that.

Robin Williams was larger than life, but Come Inside My Mind makes you realize that he was a real person too. He had hopes and dreams and flaws and fears. He accomplished a lot and was an inspiration for many. His death left a void in the world. This documentary is a nice tribute to a great performer.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Barbary Coast Trail

My girlfriend and I go hiking a few times a month. We prefer dog friendly trails so we don’t have to leave the pup at home. We live in San Francisco and don’t have a car so our options are mostly limited to hikes in the city and Marin, and there are only some many times you can do Land’s End and Twin Peaks before you get sick of it. So I googled good urban hikes in SF and discovered the Barbary Coast Trail.

The Barbary Coast Trail is a walking tour of some of San Francisco’s most historical sites and famous landmarks. The trail is not a loop. You can start at the old San Francisco Mint if you’re downtown, or you can start at the cable car turnaround at Beach and Hyde if you’re in the Fisherman’s Wharf area. The trail is marked by over a hundred and eighty bronze plaques embedded in the sidewalk. The plaques have arrows to point out the direction you came from and the direction you’re headed to. It becomes a bit of a game to find and step on each plaque. The plaques make it hard to get lost, but every now and then you might stray away from the path and have to resort to Google Maps.

The trail takes you through Union Square, Chinatown, North Beach, Fisherman’s Wharf and past iconic and forgotten San Francisco treasures. The best part about the trail is that it really is an urban hike so you can easily take a break to browse a boutique, stop for a beer in the city’s oldest bar (which is on the tour), or enjoy lunch from an outdoor cafe.

I’ve lived in the city for over ten years and the Barbary Coast Trail is one of the best things I’ve experienced yet. My girlfriend feels the same way. The dog liked it too. It’s a time filling activity that’s both recreational and entertaining, not to mention educational. And it’s free. I have a feeling that I’ll be taking visiting friends and family on the trail for years to come.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Roy Sullivan

Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a guy named Roy Sullivan. Roy Sullivan loved nature. He was a park ranger. Nature didn’t love him back. Nature had a habit of throwing lightening bolts at him. Between 1942 and 1977 Sullivan was struck by lightning seven fucking times.

Sullivan was never much of a superstitious man until 1972 when he got struck for the fourth time. Then he started to get paranoid that nature had a vendetta against him and started carrying water with him in case his hair caught on fire after a lightning strike. He got to use that emergency water three more times. Right after his seventh and final strike he was attacked by a bear. Lucky guy.

Nature finally won its battle against Sullivan on September 28, 1983 when he died of a self-inflicted gun shot wound to the head. I know that suicide isn’t funny, but that deserves a bit of a chuckle.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Josh

On June 29, 2017 my friend Josh passed away. I’ve dealt with death before. I’ve had grandparents die, friends from high school die, and pets die, but Josh’s passing hit me the most. He and his husband introduced me to my girlfriend and the four of us were supposed to grow old together. Instead Josh got sick and he was taken away from us. We were there when he went. We knew it was coming. We saw him go. I can’t describe the overwhelming rush of grief and devastation that washed over the room. It was crushing.

Josh had a lot of friends, so the lobby was full of people waiting and worrying about him. The people that couldn’t make it were calling and texting. I had to tell a lot of people that he was gone. I saw them break down and had to relive that terrible moment over and over again.

The next few hours were a blur, but time slogged on. Hours turned into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and now somehow it’s been a whole year since he’s been gone. It still doesn’t make sense to me. I’ll never understand why. I’ve learned a few things. Death is never easy. There’s no such thing as closure. All you can do is cry and tell stories and remember, and that’s still not enough to fill the void in your heart. Josh was a great person. I hate talking about him in the past tense, but he’s still a big part of my life. I miss my friend. I miss Josh.

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

1 Comment

Filed under Random Rants

Portable Charger

I have an iPhone. That means I have terrible battery life. A few YouTube videos, one Snapchat, and two Facebook updates are enough to drain half of my battery, even in Low Power Mode. Luckily there is a solution: a portable charger. A portable charger is essentially a backup battery and it’s a lifesaver. I dropped thirty bucks on one a few weeks ago. I was hiking Half Dome in Yosemite and wanted to make sure my phone had enough juice to take plenty of pictures so I had to get one. It allows me to charge my phone up to three times before I have to recharge the charger. That’s good news for me, because I’m one of those anal people who can’t leave the house without being 100%. I dread a drained battery. Now I don’t have to worry about it. My charger also has two USB ports on it, meaning I can charge my vape at the same time. Not too shabby. The future is now.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants