Front Row Seat to a DUI

I’ve never been arrested for driving under the influence but one time I had a front row seat to a DUI. I was with my friend at a work party and we both got a little tipsy. We left the party early to go watch the second season premiere of True Blood. About halfway  back to my house, my friend noticed a cop in his rear view window. He started to freak out a bit, telling me that he knew he was being followed and that he was going to be pulled over. I told him to relax and focus on the road. Then the cop put his lights on and pulled us over. So much for consoling him.

The officer gave my friend a breathalyzer and within minutes he was in the back of the cop car. Then the cop asked if I was ok to drive my friend’s car home. I said no because I know entrapment when I see it. He told me to call a cab or take a bus home even though I had a perfectly functioning skateboard with me. I asked my friend if he needed anything, like for me to call his roommates or a pack of cigarettes for bartering in jail. He told me he was ok and I reluctantly left him in the clutches of the police. 

I went home and watched True Blood, but I couldn’t enjoy it. It wasn’t because I felt guilty that my friend was in the drunk tank. It was because that second season of True Blood was terrible. DUIs suck. I’m glad that I’ve only witnessed them and never experienced one for myself. Don’t drink and drive. You could kill yourself or an innocent bystander and it’s hard to watch HBO shows when you’re behind bars. 

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Be Careful Out There

My girlfriend lives in the Tenderloin, which is one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in San Francisco. Yesterday we were walking to the store and we passed by a homeless guy in a wheelchair going the opposite direction. We crossed the street and we suddenly heard screaming from behind us, right where we just were. Screams aren’t that uncommon in the TL where crackheads and crazy people run rampant, but this was different. It was someone screaming in terror. I turned around to see what was happening. 

I saw a blonde lady on the ground behind the cars parked by the curb. She was screaming but I couldn’t tell why until a guy ran past me towards the girl. He was yelling “No! No way! Get off her! Get off her, man!” I knew something was wrong so I told my girl to wait and I ran after the guy to see what was up. The homeless guy was no longer in his wheelchair, he was on the ground bear hugging the blonde lady as she was screaming for her life. The homeless guy saw that he was surrounded by a bunch of angry bystanders and he let her go as more people showed up and surrounded him to keep him from going anywhere. She got up, crying and sobbing, completely terrified. I stood between her and the homeless guy who slinked back into the wheelchair. Suddenly I heard screeching tires and a bike cop appeared out of nowhere. 

 I looked around and was surprised at how many people were all around us. The street was empty a moment before, but now there were about thirty people all around us. There were cellphones out taking video, everyone asking everyone else what had happened. The blonde lady knew she was safe now and she explained that she was walking by him when he stood up out of his wheelchair, grabbed her, and pulled her to the ground. The cop detained him and I hung around for a few minutes to make sure the blonde lady was ok. I asked her if she needed me to call anyone for her. She pulled out a cigarette and a nice crackhead came up and gave her a light. I overheard another crackhead scolding the creep, saying things like “You piece of shit, what if someone did that to your mother? Or your sister? Fuck you, man! You fucked up now!”

A couple more cops showed up on the scene. Nobody asked for my statement and me and my girlfriend eventually walked away talking about how crazy the whole situation was. It was broad daylight and we had just walked past that guy. He could have attacked my girlfriend if I wasn’t with her. I didn’t like the Tenderloin before and now I really don’t like it. I’m always going to feel uneasy for her to walk around her own neighborhood. I want her to carry Mace or a Taser at all times but I know that she might not have time to use it. Her most effective weapon would be to scream bloody murder like the blonde lady did. Her screams saved her life. 

So be careful out there. The world is a dangerous place. I saw how fucked up some people can be. But I also saw how good some people can be. A lot of us ran to help a complete stranger. They were young and old, all different races, some were homeless and some were in business suits. That’s great for humanity and all, but the lesson to take away is that it only takes a second for a scumbag to fuck everything up. That blonde lady is lucky that there were good people there to save her but she’s never going to be able to walk down the street feeling safe again. She’s scarred for life. 

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Towel Steppers

I went to San Francisco’s Outside Lands earlier this month. Outside Lands is a three day music and arts festival held in Golden Gate Park. I go every year and every year gets more and more crowded. Most people are respectful of other people’s space and property but there are always a couple of assholes who don’t give a fuck and consider themselves to be VIPs. They are towel steppers. They will literally step on your towel or blanket that you have splayed out on the ground. They will bump into you and not appologize. They will cut in line. They turn a fun event into a hassle. And they should be called out for it. The world needs more hippies and less towel steppers. 

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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Suicide Squad (film)

I saw Suicide Squad the other night. It’s the latest film instalment of the DC Extended Universe following 2013’s Man of Steel and 2016’s Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. I must admit that I was a little weary of spending money to see it after the fiasco that was Batman v Superman and reading all the terrible reviews from critics. But I saw it, and it wasn’t completely terrible. I kind of liked it in fact. It’s not a great movie by any means. There are plot holes, generic villains, and confusing moments, but there are enough good characters, solid performances, and exhilarating action sequences to balance it out. The soundtrack also stands out and makes the movie a little better.

The movie is about a group of convicts that are assembled to save the world from a powerful threat. Will Smith stars as Deadshot, a deadly mercenary with an absurdly accurate shot. Margot Robbie plays Harley Quinn, the psychotic lover of the Joker. Jai Courtney plays Captain Boomerang, an Australian bank robber with a penchant for boomerangs. Jay Hernandez play El Diablo, a fiery Latino who controls fire. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje plays Killer Croc, a sewer-dwelling monster. And Karen Fukuhara plays Katana, a Japanese chick with a katana. They all are forced to team up to fight an ancient witch demon and her demon brother. And that’s what the movie is about.

Jared Leto is in the movie too. He plays the Joker in a vastly different way than the late Heath Ledger. I can’t really comment on his performance because he was hardly in it. He has like twelve minutes of screen time and only pops up occasionally. He wasn’t bad, he just didn’t make enough of an impact for me to care about him.

There are lots of Easter eggs and DC references for comic nerds to geek out over. It’s a more enjoyable film than Batman v Superman. There are more jokes and likeable characters and they didn’t add an excessive amount of unnessary storylines into the film. Batman v Superman tried to do too much. Suicide Squad lets the story unfold for itself. I would see it again in theaters. DC still has a long way to catch up to Marvel, but this is a step in the right direction.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

  

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Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Parts I & II (Special Rehearsal Edition Script)

 There are two types of people in the world: fans of Harry Potter and everyone else. Me, I’m a fan of Harry Potter. A part of my life ended back in 2007 when Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was released and the series ended. But then J.K. Rowling announced that she would continue the story onstage in a play. She also realized that not everyone would be able to see the production so she released the script in book form as well, bless her soul. Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Parts I & II (Special Rehearsal Edition Script) was released on July 31, 2016 and the Harry Potter nerds suddenly had a new story to lose their shit over. 

I kind of slacked off and forgot to preorder a paper copy, but I bought the e-book version and read the entire thing on my iPhone in a couple of hours. It’s mostly dialogue with a little bit of stage direction so it’s a much faster read than the later books in the series. It was written by Jack Thorne and John Tiffany and based on a story by J.K. Rowling. The story starts in the epilogue of the Deathly Hallows with an older Harry sending his sons James and Albus off to Hogwarts. I don’t want to say too much else. Spoilers aren’t fun. And you should be friending to read it for yourself so I won’t give anything major away. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are important characters, but the plot revolves around Albus Potter and Scorpius Malfoy (Draco’s son). They are the next generation of wizards and they are trying to escape the shadow of their fathers. 

 We visit old charters. We meet new ones. And it feels good to be back in the wizarding world, I must say. The humor and charm are still there, as is the sense of dread that something wicked this way comes. It’s very satisfying. I wish it was longer. It’s always sad to reach the end of a great story, and this definitely seems like final chapter. I hope that J.K. Rowling has more in store for us, but this is a solid way to say goodbye to Harry Potter. Goodbye, Harry, old chum.

 Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Ripped Jeans 

 Ripped jeans are either really cool or really stupid. It all depends on where the rip is. If the knee is ripped, that’s stylish and hip. If the crotch is ripped, your day is probably ruined. I have a pair of jeans with frayed back pockets. I’m reluctant to keep my wallet in them, but they look fashionable so I wear them every now and then despite their diminished functionality. Some people buy news pairs of jeans that are already ripped. I don’t believe in that. I believe that rips should be earned. There should be a story behind them. You should rip your jeans while running from a mountain lion while hiking. You shouldn’t rip your jeans with scissors because Oprah says it’s trendy. I don’t know why denim looks good ripped, but it does. You don’t see people walking around with ripped cargo pants or ripped yoga pants. I have a theory that jean shorts were accidentally invented when a ripped knee got out of control.  

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Ghostbusters (2016 film)

 Hollywood has been churning out reboots and remakes for the past couple of decades. No classic film is safe, as evidenced by the recent reboot of Ghostbusters. The new film is directed by Paul Feig and stars Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones, and Chris Hemsworth. It’s kind of like Bridesmaids but with more ghosts. It’s really funny with the right amount of spooky thrills. It’s a definite reboot. They pay homage to the original films, but the girls are the first batch of ghost exterminators in this universe. Most of the cast from the first films make cameos, the notable exceptions being Rick Moranis and Harold Ramis. Rick Moranis basically quit Hollywood and Harold Ramis passed away. They could have had him cameo as a ghost but that would have been disrespectful.

 The plot is similar to the first film. You kind of feel like you know what’s going to happen before it does. But the characters make the film worth watching. The four ghostbusters are all hilarious. The riff and play off of each other and it’s apparent that they are all having fun. Comedies are supposed to be fun. Chris Hemsworth had some of the best moments as their bumbling secretary. Who knew that he had comedic chops to rival Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy? 

 I liked the special effects. The ghosts looked retro like in the first two movies of the franchise. I saw it in 2D because that was the best showtime for me, but I wish I saw it in 3D because the climax was so spectacular. The end of the world has been depicted in countless movies, but this was one of the most memorable apocalypses I’ve seen. 

 There are a lot of haters who decided to hate this movie without watching it. You can’t hate it if you never experienced it. I experienced it. I liked it. Everyone else in the theater with me liked it too. I heard laughs and gasps and a smattering of applause when it was over. I heard no boos and no demands for a refund. I don’t think this movie will make its budget back. It won’t be a blockbuster even though it deserves to be. It sucks too, because the scene after the credits sets up a sequel that we might never see. 

 Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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There’s a Light at the End of the Rainbow 

 I overheard a guy complaining about his life to his friend. His girlfriend dumped him, he was overlooked for a promotion at work, and his dog likes his roommate more than him. His friend gave him some advice and told him that “There’s a light at the end of the rainbow.” I couldn’t help but scoff at them. That’s not an expression. That’s muddling up two different expressions. There’s either a light at the end of the tunnel and there’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I’ve seen the end of the rainbow and there was definitely no light, only a pot of gold and a surly leprechaun guarding it. I asked the leprechaun where the light was. He said it was obviously at the end of the tunnel. That’s where they keep it. There’s no light at the end of the rainbow. Don’t believe the hype. And don’t speak in clichés if you don’t know how to say them, especially if I’m around to make fun of you. 

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pokemon Go

My thoughts on Pokemon Go: DON’T FUCKING DO IT. 
Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Drunk Food

 One of the best things about getting drunk is getting drunk food. Drunk food is a complete meal you can eat with your hands that fills you up and is served quickly. Certain foods taste better when you’re inebriated. Pizza is always good, but it’s so much better when you’re drunk. A drunk burrito in between bars keeps your night going. Stumbling across a street vendor selling bacon-wrapped hot dogs will make you believe that God is real and wants us to be happy. Drunk food provides you with the much needed fuel to keep on drinking. It makes the party last longer. You know you had a good night when you find an empty pizza box on the counter when you wake up the next morning and no recollection of getting it. I’m not promoting binge drinking, I’m promoting eating food when you’re binge drinking. There’s a slight difference I’m sure. 

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Going to the Game by Myself

 I went to work yesterday and I didn’t feel much like working. I had an opportunity to leave early and so I took it. I clocked in at 10:30 and I clocked out at 10:45. I had the whole day ahead of me and I wasn’t going to let it go to waste. The Giants were playing the Diamondbacks at 1:05 and I was in the mood for some baseball. I started texting friends to see if anybody was down to go. Nobody could go on such short notice so I bought a standing room only ticket for myself and went alone. It was my first time going to the game by myself and I don’t think it will be my last. It was a lot of fun. I could do whatever I wanted. I didn’t have to settle for inferior beer. There was no debating where to go for food. I could make bathroom trips whenever I wanted and didn’t have to wait for anyone stuck in a longer line than me. And I wasn’t bored because I still talked baseball with the other fans around me. I feel like I paid a lot more attention to the game. I still prefer going with other people but now I know that I can go to the game whenever the mood strikes me. And going to the game is always better than watching it on TV. You can call me a loser but you can’t say I’m not a fan. Go Giants! 

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Stubbed Toes

 Stubbed toes are an occasional side effect of walking. I got drunk the other night and woke up the next morning with a stubbed toe. Actually, I have to admit that it was two stubbed toes, one on each foot. It was impressive. I’m normally not that sloppy. I must have stubbed them pretty bad because I had a legitimate cut on one and peeled skin on the other. I put socks on and went for a test walk. It hurt because my socks were sticking to the wound. I had to wrap bandaids around the two toes and put my socks back on. It worked but it wasn’t pretty. I don’t like having things between my toes so it was uncomfortable. It was also my day off and I wasn’t going to waste it so I manned up and spent my day walking the dogs with my buddies along Ocean Beach and all throughout Golden Gate Park. It was hell on my feet but it was also a hell of a day. I regret nothing. It would have been better without stubbed toes though. 

 Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cooking Microwavable Food in the Oven 

 I like to eat food but I’m not much of a cook. I usually go out for dinner or get microwavable food. I don’t cook it in the microwave though. I cook it in the oven. It takes a lot longer but it makes it tastes more like real food. And there’s less radiation involved. A lot of people don’t seem to realize that you can cook most microwavable food in the oven but if you flip over your box of Hot Pockets you’ll see that they have directions for microwave ovens and for conventional ovens. Toaster ovens are shit out of luck though. The only major downside to cooking microwavable food in the oven is that you’re still eating microwavable food. Nothing beats a home cooked meal.
 Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Eating Pizza with a Knife and Fork

 I will eat pizza with my bare hands ninety-nine times out of a hundred. More than that even. I will eat pizza with my hands nine hundred and ninety-nine times out of a thousand. But every once in a while I will use cutlery to enjoy the culinary treat. Eating pizza with a knife and fork makes you feel classy instantly. Suddenly you’re not eating pizza, you’re eating pizza pie. It becomes a delicacy. When you take the time to cut each bite, you savor each bite. And people will look at you and respect you instantly. You could have ripped into your pizza like a commoner but you ate it like a civilized man instead. That’s worth something. Not sure what, but it’s gotta be something. 
 Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Wearing Scrubs on Public Transportation 

 I rely on public transportation to get around the city. I try to be aware of my surroundings and I’ve noticed a lot of hospital workers wearing their scrubs on the bus or train. That doesn’t make any sense to me. Wikipedia defines scrubs as the sanitary clothing worn by surgeons, nurses, physicians, and other workers involved in patient care in hospitals. The key word is sanitary, and I don’t think wearing scrubs on public transportation is sanitary. The subway isn’t exactly renowned for its cleanly conditions. Scrubs are supposed to be sterile to keep germs and infections from spreading to vulnerable patients. Wearing them on the bus seems to violate that cardinal rule. You trust healthcare workers to be clean. Seeing them rub shoulders with homeless people on public transportation is pretty disheartening. It should be illegal. Write your congressman and voice your complaints if you feel the same way. Maybe someone can start a petition to outlaw the practice. I’m too lazy to take the initiative but I’ll gladly sign my name to the cause.
 Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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Own Your Mistakes 

 There are two types of people in the world. There are people who own their mistakes and there are people who shift the blame. People fuck up. It happens all the time. You can either admit your mistake or make excuses for what happened. I have no respect for people who do the latter. If I’m at fault, I’ll admit it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. People make mistakes all the time. That’s why pencils have erasers. You can still scratch it out if you have a pen. You fuck up, you figure out what went wrong, and you fix it or prevent it from happening again. That’s how you gain experience. That’s how you gain respect. Nobody is perfect. Don’t pretend to be.  

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Throw It All in the Same Dryer

 I do laundry a little bit different than other people at the laundromat. I separate my clothes into black and colors and put them in different washing machines like how I’m supposed to, but I’m a bit of a rebel when it comes to drying them. I throw it all in the same dryer. It says wash separately. It doesn’t say anything about drying separately. So I toss all my clothes in the same dryer. It saves me time and quarters. I haven’t noticed any ill effects on my wardrobe. My black shirts are still black. My blue jeans are still blue. My underwear still has shit stains but that’s a different story. I don’t see anything wrong with it so I’m gonna keep on doing it. You should do it too. I don’t want to be the only one. I hate being alone.  

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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