A drunken migration is when three or more drunk people attempt to go from one place to another. It’s always a shit show and it becomes more chaotic with each additional drunk. A three-minute walk to Jack in the Box becomes a half-hour excursion and someone always gets lost or turns up missing. A bunch of drunk people trying to get anywhere is like the blind leading the blind. You need to have a leader, someone who knows the way and isn’t afraid to take charge. The leader has to act like a shepherd and they have to wrangle up all the drunks and keep them moving and under control. But the leader is drunk too, so progress is minimal. But you feel so accomplished once you get to your destination.
I’m not much of a cider drinker. I prefer craft beers. But I will still drink a cider from time to time to mix things up. Today I decided to mix things up. I got a Julian Hard Cider Cherry Bomb from California’s Julian Hard Cider. It’s a premium American hard cider with cherry flavor. It pours a deep blood red color with a minimal white head with very mild carbonation. It almost looks like cranberry juice until you notice the tiny bubbles. It tastes like cherry pie filling. It’s sweet, sour, and very satisfying. Plus it has a 6.99% alcohol content which is nothing to scoff at. Simply put, this will get you drunk. And it tastes like candy so you won’t notice that you’re getting drunk until its too late and you can’t find your phone. This is a good cider. I still prefer beer.
I’m trying to find something to write about, but it’s extremely difficult because it’s perfect outside. People shit on San Francisco’s weather. They say that it’s cold and foggy all the time. And that’s mostly true, but we do get nice days every once in a while. A nice day in San Francisco is a blessing and everyone takes advantage of it. They turn off the TV and go outside to feel the warmth of the sun. Everyone goes to the beach or to the park. They ride bikes and go for hikes. The girls wear skimpy clothes. I lived in Los Angeles, where good weather is year round and they take it for granted. They don’t care that the sun is shining. They drive to the tanning salon while blasting the air conditioner. The girls wear skimpy clothes, but that’s because they are slutty not weather conscious. They don’t appreciate good weather because they have it all the time. A nice day in San Francisco is something that you can’t afford to squander. That makes it more worthwhile.
Deschutes Brewery & Public House is one of Oregon’s best breweries, and they have a lot of good breweries in Oregon. Pine Mountain Pilsner is a crisp and refreshing spring release, perfect for day drinking. It pours a clear golden yellow with a nice frothy head. There’s not much of an aroma compared to a stout or IPA. I get hints of hops, grass, spice, some florals, and a little pine. The taste is of bitter hops with a light malt flavor to balance it out. There is some grass, pine, bread, and spice. It’s very smooth and drinkable. It has a 5.2% ABV so feel free to have more than one.
Dodgeball is one of the best games you played in gym class. Rules vary from schoolyard to schoolyard, but the rules are generally the same. Two teams hurl balls at each other, trying to peg the opposing players while trying to avoid getting pegged in return. If you get pegged, you’re out. If you catch a ball without it hitting the ground, the person who threw it is out and one of your teammates can come back in. The game is over when all of the players on a team are out. Then you switch sides and play again. Dodgeball victories are decided by winning the majority of games in a series, usually best of five or best of seven. Hitting someone in the face or head is called headhunting. It’s pretty satisfying to smack someone directly in face with a rubber ball, but it doesn’t count and you’ll be called out as punishment. You either love dodgeball or you hate it. There is no in-between.
Now You See Me is a 2013 heist flick, but with magicians instead of bank robbers. Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher, and Dave Franco star as The Four Horsemen, street magicians who were brought together by a mysterious benefactor. They have a hugely successful show in Las Vegas, but they really hit the big time when they seemingly rob a bank in Paris during one of their shows. This gets the attention the FBI and Interpol, and then it becomes a cat and mouse game as The Four Horsemen attempt a few more magical robberies while the authorities try to figure how to stop them.
There’s lots of plot twists and shocking character revelations, but it’s a pretty by the numbers caper film. It’s kind of like Ocean’s Eleven meets The Prestige. There are multiple heists, people on both sides trying to outwit each other, and there’s an over the top action sequence that seems totally out of place. It’s an entertaining flick, but it’s pretty hollow. They use to many computer-generated special effects. They should have stuck to practical effects like how real stage magicians perform their tricks. At one point Isla Fisher floats around the stage in a CG bubble. That’s not a trick and that’s not impressive.
And there are way too many characters to keep track of or care about. Mark Ruffalo and Mélanie Laurent play the cops tracking down The Four Horsemen. Morgan Freeman plays a rival magician who exposes tricks and who helps the authorities. Michael Caine plays an Insurance magnate and the sponsor of The Four Horsemen with a shady past. Common has a supporting role as an FBI supervisor.
Now You See Me is just another Hollywood blockbuster that pretends to be smarter than it is. And it’s getting a sequel. It’s a franchise now. Bank robbing magician flicks are suddenly a genre. What is the world coming to?
Cutting in line is when you enter a line or a queue instead of waiting at the end like you’re supposed to. Nobody wants to wait in line. Waiting sucks. Cutting in line is so much more convenient. If you cut in line, you should expect other people to get pissed off. They have the right to, so you have to make it look like you’re not really cutting. There are a few tricks and techniques to avoid angering the other people waiting. I’ve discovered that coffee works really well for line cutting. If you have two or three friends waiting in line and you plan on joining them, you should bring a few cups of coffee so it looks like you were on a caffeine run for the group. Or you can pretend that you finally found a parking spot. Cutting in line is a social taboo that everyone does, but you only object to line cutters when you are behind them. You hypocrite.
I’m a fan of life hacks, those nifty little tricks that make you better at life. Like did you know that you were eating apples wrong your whole life? You probably take an apple, bite into the side of it, and work your way around until all you have left is the apple core. But that’s the wrong way to do it because the core is a myth. There is no core. Only seeds. And you can spit those out. You can eat the entire apple, save for the stem. Seriously. Watch the video below if you don’t believe me. Try it for yourself to verify. The core is a myth. You’ll never look at an apple the same way again.
Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey is a classic family film about two dogs and a cat traversing the wilderness and finding their way home. It’s a sappy flick that requires a suspension of disbelief to be able to enjoy it. You have no heart if you don’t sympathize with the dramatic climax where all the pets come home. It’s emotional. It’s universal. And you need no further proof than by seeing a pug watching the end of Homeward Bound. This pug know all the emotional moments. He knows exactly what is going on. He’s able to sympathize with Shadow, Chance, and Sassy. Lots of people claim that their dog actually watches TV. This proves that dogs not only watch TV, but they are aware of what happens on TV. I don’t know if that is significant, but it’s got to mean something.
I don’t really feel bad for Jon Stewart. Not really. He’s rich, respected, famous, funny, smart, and successful. He took over as host of the The Daily Show after Craig Kilborn left, and more importantly, he made that show his own. He gave it a new direction, a new voice, and America took notice. He won Emmys. He wrote best-selling books. And he let other comedians get an opportunity to be seen on his show. Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert come to mind. They both had segments on The Daily Show that led to careers in film and TV that surpass Stewart’s own career. Steve Carell got the lead in NBC’s hit show The Office, and network shows mean huge paychecks. He also became a hit on the big screen with The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Anchorman. Stephen Colbert became Stephen Colbert, and got his own show right after The Daily Show. He became even more popular and influential, and now he’s going to replace David Letterman when he retires. And Jon Stewart can only grit his teeth, pretend to smile, and ignore the fact that he launched their careers while he remains on basic cable. Even John Oliver has a show on HBO now. That’s premium cable. Premium. Jon Stewart is far more accomplished than I could ever hope to be, but he has to be jealous of the Stevphens.
Flipping the bird is when you extend your middle finger to someone. It’s a way of saying “FUCK YOU!” without using your voice. Most cases of road rage involve somebody flipping someone else off. You’ll get cut off and have no other way of expressing your anger than by flipping that motherfucker off. Then they flip you off and swerve into your lane and shit starts to escalate. Who knew that a simple hand gesture could lead to so much devastation? Remember that it’s flipping the bird. Some people say flicking the bird or that they flicked you off. Those people deserve to be flipped off. They don’t realize that flick doesn’t make any sense in that scenario. You’re insulting somebody, not trying to get rid of a booger. Get it right or don’t do it.
You go to a party with a friend and meet a bunch of new random people. You have a few beers, a few laughs, and then you call it a night and go home. You wake up the next morning and check Facebook and you have a new friend request. You’re intrigued and you click on it, and you find out that it’s from that weird guy that debated about Marvel vs. DC with you the night before. You’re not sure if you should accept his request or deny it, so you ignore it. An instant friend request is always an awkward situation. I don’t know you. I just met you. Why are you stalking me on Facebook? And how did you find out my full name? How desperate are you to socialize? I was just being friendly, I wasn’t trying to be your friend.
A Bluetooth headset is a small device that fits in your ear used for short-range voice transmission. You’ll typically find them on businessmen, cab drivers, and douchebags. There is no way to use a Bluetooth headset without looking pretentious. The problem with them is that you never know if the douchebag is talking to you or to someone else. They will suddenly ignore you in the middle of a conversation because their phone rings, but you can’t tell that the phone rang. You’ll think that they are still talking to you so you respond to them, and they point to their Bluetooth headset like you’re an idiot. People complain about how everyone is so absorbed in technology that there isn’t any real human interaction anymore. Bluetooth headsets and smart phones have a lot to do with that, but you can use a smart phone without looking like a tool. You can’t do that with Bluetooth in your ear. It’s a social deterrent. Bluetooth headsets are only acceptable if you are working or driving. But you’ll still look like a douchebag.
Losing a tooth is awesome when you’re a kid. Losing a tooth is terrible when you’re an adult. When you’re a kid, losing a tooth means a visit from the Tooth Fairy and getting money. When you’re an adult, losing a tooth means a visit to the dentist and spending money. When you’re a kid, losing a tooth means another one will grow in its place. When you’re an adult, losing a tooth means dentures. I guess that I’m trying to say that losing a tooth has lost its allure. There was a time when I would have loved losing a tooth. Now it’s something I worry about. I miss the days when I was still immortal and regenerative.
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is a popular TV show that launched Will Smith into stardom. It ran for six seasons and now airs in syndication. It’s one of those shows that always seems to be on some channel or another no matter what time of the day it is. The show is entertaining, but the highlight of each episode is the theme song. It sets up the premise of the show and tells the story of how Will’s life got twisted upside down. It involves playing basketball outside of the school, getting in one little fight, and his scared mom sending him to live with his aunt and uncle in Bel-Air. Everyone thinks that they know the whole song, but the show cuts out a few stanzas that you didn’t know existed. You can listen to the whole thing on YouTube if you really want to. I’m not going to stop you. The show is good. The song is better.
It’s always cool meeting somebody who has the same birthday as you. You instantly have a bond, a connection. You are birthday buddies. The world is a big place but it seems a lot smaller when you find someone who came into existence the same day that you did. It happened to me the other night. I was grabbing a drink with some coworkers after work and one of them brought along a friend. The friend mentioned that her birthday was coming up next week. My birthday is coming up next week too, so I asked her when it was. She said April 29th. I told her it was mine too. She asked for proof. I showed her my ID and she showed me hers. Once it was verified that we were birthday buddies, we raised our glasses and we toasted to Tauruses everywhere. There are billions of people on the planet and only 365 days (sometimes 366 days) each year, so you share your birthday with millions of people. You just have to find out who they are.
You’re brushing your teeth and you left medicine cabinet door open so you remember to floss when you accidently drop the cap to the toothpaste. You bend down to grab it, you do, you stand back up, and you smack your skull right on the cabinet door. You see a flash of light, an explosion of stars, you feel lightheaded, and your eyes start to water. BAM! OW! OUCH! Banging your head is not fun. There are lots of ways to bang your head, and there are lots of things to bang your head against. All of them suck. And if you’ve ever experienced a concussion you seriously consider wearing a helmet in everyday life. Maybe that’s not such a bad idea. I know more than a few people who could benefit from a safety helmet.