Tag Archives: nature

Roy Sullivan

Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a guy named Roy Sullivan. Roy Sullivan loved nature. He was a park ranger. Nature didn’t love him back. Nature had a habit of throwing lightening bolts at him. Between 1942 and 1977 Sullivan was struck by lightning seven fucking times.

Sullivan was never much of a superstitious man until 1972 when he got struck for the fourth time. Then he started to get paranoid that nature had a vendetta against him and started carrying water with him in case his hair caught on fire after a lightning strike. He got to use that emergency water three more times. Right after his seventh and final strike he was attacked by a bear. Lucky guy.

Nature finally won its battle against Sullivan on September 28, 1983 when he died of a self-inflicted gun shot wound to the head. I know that suicide isn’t funny, but that deserves a bit of a chuckle.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Camping

I’m going camping in Yosemite for a few days with a couple of friends. I can’t wait to escape the city and get back to nature. I’m going to turn off my phone and go completely off the grid. Facebook can wait until I come back. Camping is when you deliberately choose to sleep outside somewhere in nature for recreational purposes. Occasionally you build a fire and roast wieners over it. Or s’mores. I was brought up camping and so I’ve accumulated a lot of supplies over the years. I have a tent, down sleeping bags, a backpacking stove and fuel, a water filter, flashlights, multi-tools, knives, rope, duct tape, first aid kit, matches, lighters, compass, magnifying glass, a metal spork/bottle opener… I’m pretty much prepared for the zombie apocalypse so camping is a piece of cake. Everyone should go camping at least once. There will be bugs and dirt. Don’t be alarmed. That’s normal.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Lounging Under a Tree

Call me a hippie, but I like nature. I like being outside. One of my favorite things to do on days off is hanging out in Golden Gate Park with a couple of friends and a couple of brews. We will post up under a tree, throw a blanket on the ground, put on some music, and hang out until we feel like moving on. I’ll lie on my back and watch the sunlight filter through the leaves and the clouds move across the sky. I’ll track leaves as they fall from the branch and gently float towards the grass. I’ll sit up every once in a while to sip my beer without it dribbling down my chin. I’m not opposed to puffing the green stuff either. It makes lounging under a tree even more chill. You’re missing out if you’ve never hung out under a tree. It’s one of the easiest things to cross off your bucket list. All you have to is find a tree and hang out under it. If you can’t find satisfaction in that, you’re not a person I want to know.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Walking Stick

I went on a nine-mile hike with some friends the other day. The trail was relatively easy for the most part, but there were a few difficult parts and it rained the night before so there was a lot of mud. The situation called for a walking stick and nature was happy to provide me with one. I found one on the side of the trail. A walking stick is what it sounds like. It’s a stick for walking. Canes are for old people and the disabled. Walking sticks are for hikers and wizards.

Walking sticks can be used in a variety of ways. They make steep hills easier to climb or descend. They can clear the trail of bushes, debris, spider webs, and tree branches that are blocking the way. They offer a balancing point for crossing small streams or large puddles. They have traction in slippery conditions. And you can use them to fend off attacking animals or disgruntled hikers.

Some people buy walking sticks. That’s good if you go hiking a lot and want other people to know how awesomely outdoorsy you are. I prefer finding a walking stick somewhere along the trail and leaving it on the trailhead for future hikers to enjoy. It seems more neighborly. Walking through nature is fun. It’s better with a giant stick.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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“It Looks Like Rain.”

You go outside and notice that your shadow is missing. You look up and see the sun is hidden behind some clouds and the whole sky looks dark and gloomy. A storm is clearly on the way. And no matter how obvious the shitty weather is, inevitably you will hear some jackass say, “It looks like rain.” Of course it looks like rain, it’s about to fucking rain. I don’t need some wannabe weatherman stating the obvious. He’s one of those jerks who watches you play solitaire over your shoulder and tells you to move the three. He somehow thinks he’s helping you and that you should be grateful for his insightful observations. The only person who can get away with saying “It looks like rain” is an umbrella salesman making his pitch. Everyone else needs to shut the fuck up.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Uploading Pictures Of Yourself Camping

The whole point of camping is to get away from it all. Away from city life, away from technology, away from your cell phone. You should be chilling in the woods, sitting around a campfire, telling stories and making jokes. You should be living. Why the fuck are you taking picture of yourself camping and uploading it to Facebook? I’m not opposed to taking pictures of the campsite or the views or having fun. That’s totally fine. I’m against taking a picture and instantly uploading it. You’re not camping if you don’t have a signal, you’re just a hipster in the woods. Put down the phone and look at a tree. You came out to nature to experience nature, not to add another hashtag to your resume.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Poison Oak

Nature wants to kill you and poison oak is proof. Most of the US has to deal with poison ivy. I’m from California and we have poison oak. It’s pretty much the same thing: an innocent looking plant with leaves in clusters of three that produces an oil that irritates your skin. If you get the oil on your hands, anywhere you touch will get an itchy and painful rash. Irritation is kind of an understatement; it can make your scrotum shrivel up to resemble a prune. I once had it so bad that I couldn’t even run in P.E. class. It’s pretty frightening when your junk’s all shriveled and chafed and covered with red blotches. And it’s one helluva humiliating excuse note. Poison oak is nature’s way of keeping you on trails while hiking and from shitting in the woods at night. Respect nature. Treasure your junk.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Hiking

If you like walking and nature then you might be interested in hiking. Hiking is glorified walking. It’s off-road, it’s extreme, it’s still just walking. But instead of walking on concrete you’re walking on a path or trail and every now and then you stop to look at trees. You might even take a picture of those trees to post on Facebook to prove to everyone else that you went hiking and that they are lazy and you aren’t. Not only is it great exercise, it’s also the only way to eat trail mix without being a hypocrite.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Peeing in a Bottle

Ladies, please don’t judge this post. You will never know the simple joy of peeing in a bottle. You can try it, but it might spray so be careful. Peeing in a bottle is not something that you should make a habit of. You do it in emergencies, like when you’re stuck in traffic or someone refuses to get out of the bathroom. I prefer to pee outside, either on a tree or in the snow, but I have no qualms about peeing in a bottle. You just gotta make sure that you don’t lose your grip or overflow the bottle. Drunk pisses can last a long time, and hopefully you’re drunk if you’re peeing into a bottle.

I’m not advocating pissing into bottles. But sometimes toilets get boring and you need to shake things up a bit.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Fall Foliage

One of the best parts about autumn is seeing the leaves change color. Not only is fall foliage an amazing sight, it’s also fun to say. Not everyone can say it right. It’s always fun to be able to point a finger and laugh at someone’s stupidity. Some people are really into fall foliage; it’s almost like a fetish. They will go on vacation and drive hundreds of miles out of the city to look at leaves. They take lots of pictures and they comment to each other about how beautiful the leaves are. They are fucking leaves. Humans are weird animals.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Walk in the Park

I am lucky enough to live next to Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, one of the best parks in the world. It’s bigger than NYC’s Central Park. That means it is better. Popularity and politics aside, if you are lucky enough to live close to a park too, I suggest that you take some time and enjoy a walk in the park. You’ll experience fresh air and sunshine. You’ll see birds and squirrels and trees and flowers and be reminded that Nature is a real thing and not just something you see on the Discovery Channel.

It’s good to be out in open space, standing on grass and dirt rather than concrete and trash. Sometimes you forget about nature when you live in a city. A walk in the park makes you remember that your roots are in caves, not in cubicles. And going outside is free entertainment. Appreciate it and take advantage of it.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Climbing a Tree

If you’re bored and on a budget, go climb a tree. Climbing a tree is fun and free, it’s good exercise, it’s non-polluting, and makes you feel like a kid. It’s good to release your inner child from time to time. Hoist your way up, look for sturdy limbs and branches, and make sure to watch out for bugs and angry squirrels and mama birds protecting their nests. Climb as high as you can go and look down on the people walking by with disdain. Enjoy your temporary treetop sanctuary, for you are safe from the world. Worry about how to get down later.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dead Bird Roadkill

Mankind created the wheel and then we created roads. And then we ran over animals and started calling it roadkill. Most of the time the roadkill in question is a creature like a skunk or raccoon, sometimes a deer, and occasionally a dog or a cat. They are mostly animals that walk to get around and they have no choice but to cross over highways, roads and streets.

So if you see a dead bird roadkill, that bird either was trying to die or deserved to die. That fucker can fly over the road, safely out of harm’s way. It’s a fucking bird. It should be in the sky, not on the fucking street anyway.

I know there are flightless birds that don’t have a choice, but I think they are just being lazy. They have wings, I can see them right there. So flap them and fly, you stupid penguin.

Mama ducks parading their ducklings into traffic doesn’t impress me either. Ducks are waterfowl. They should be in the water, not playing in the street. My mom taught me that what I was a kid. The mother duck isn’t setting her kids up for success pulling stunts like that.

A bird that ends up as roadkill is a failure. It literally failed at life and got hit by a car and died. I don’t feel sorry for dead bird roadkill and neither should you. You can’t reward stupidity.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dogs

There are two types of people in the world. There are dog people and there are cat people. You have the occasional schmuck who prefers birds or fish, but they are most likely serial killers and we don’t talk about them. Fish lovers are creepy. At least I can respect cat people. Dogs are better than cats though, no doubt about it.

Let’s start at the beginning. Their domestication marked the arrival of our civilization. We used them for protection, for hunting and tracking game, sometimes even for transportation, and we always cherished their companionship. Whole tribes and cultures depended on them for survival. Dogs are man’s best friend for a reason.

We used to have a working relationship with dogs. We developed breeds to do our dirty work. For example, we made wiener dogs to kill badgers, and we made border collies to help herd sheep and alert us if Timmy fell down the well. We don’t have such a strenuous lifestyle anymore, so most us just have dogs as pets now.

Dogs are the best pets for a few reasons. When you want to pet your dog, you pet your dog. If you don’t want to pet him, you can just push him away. Cats are the exact opposite. They want to be petted when you don’t want to pet them, and when you want to pet them they scratch you. Fuckers. Dogs are better at playing. Cats chase a laser pointer and paw at a dangling string. Dogs have rubber toys shaped like pork chops and rolled-up newspapers and rope toys to chew on. They also play-fight with each other. They’ll bite, nip, jump, roll, and occasionally mount each other. They run after balls at top speed, they snatch Frisbees out of the air, and they swim after thrown sticks. Go to a dog park and watch the action. That’s entertainment.

There are an endless variety of breeds. You can get a tiny Chihuahua or a gargantuan Great Dane. There’s hundreds of purebreds and thousands more mutts. If you want a guard dog, a work dog, a sled dog, a lap dog, a service dog, or a hunting dog, there’s a dog out there for you.

Dogs are great animals. If you’re lucky enough to come across one, you should introduce yourself and shake his paw. Scratch behind his ears. Tell him he’s a good boy in baby talk. Put some whipped cream on his nose and laugh as he licks it off.

A male dog is called a dog. A female dog is called a bitch. Dogs fuck bitches, resulting in a litter of puppies. I almost made it through this whole post without saying bitch. We can’t have that. I said “fuck bitches” because that results in more Google hits for my site.

Dogs are man’s best friend. It’s as simple as that. The Ancient Egyptians worshipped cats and their society collapsed. You just can’t trust cats. Dogs will never lie to you. Their tails are built-in lie detectors. Dogs, dogs, dogs. They would get a perfect 17/17 but you have to clean up their shit way too often.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young.

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Walking into a Spider Web

I’m not afraid of spiders. I don’t want them crawling on me or biting me or anything, but I’m not arachnophobic. My spellcheck says arachnophobic isn’t a word, but it should be. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I’m not scared of spiders. But walking into a spider web is one of the worst feelings in the world. It’s a creepy feeling to get touched by something invisible. You can’t see what’s attacking you; you just feel little ghost strands clinging to your skin.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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Fire

Man likey fire. Man likey fire for warmth. Man likey fire for light. Man likey fire for cook cook. Fire is like nature’s robot. Man wants to treat it like a tool. We think that we can harness it and control it, and then nature decides to show us up and release fire’s full power upon us from time to time. Fire is Skynet. Humans are ignorant and can pretend that we are in charge of fire, but then a wildfire will break out and destroy thousands of homes and displace thousands and thousands of people. That’s not a joke, it’s tragic when thousands of people are suddenly uprooted because of a natural disaster. We use water and fire everyday in our homes, but flashfloods and wildfires destroy lives. We can use nature to our benefit, but we are at its mercy.

Humans could not have advanced as far as we have without being able to create fire. But we will never be able to control it. We can practice fire safety and light fires in designated spots like in a fireplace or in a fire pit. Smokey the Bear can tell you to give a matchbook or a lighter to an adult. We can have fire extinguishers and alarm systems in place but if a fire breaks out that shit will spread like an STD from Lindsay Lohan (coincidently, she is a firecrotch).

Fire is comfort though. It’s seductive. There’s nothing like a romantic evening by the fire. The right usage of candles can get anyone laid. Some of my best memories are sitting around campfires or bonfires with a few close friends and a good girlfriend. Watching the flames sputter and crackle is hypnotic, therapeutic, and surprisingly entertaining.

Sitting by the fire will make you contemplate things… like is fire a solid or a liquid? It’s neither, it’s an endothermic reaction and I don’t need Wikipedia to tell me that. Sorry, I just wanted to show off my Cash Cab skills. I also know that lighters were invented before matches. That’s worth a few bonus points.

Fire is awesome. It is hot, dangerous, and unpredictable, just like me. It plays by its own rules, just like me. You have to respect fire or it will bitchslap you in the face, just like me. You have to love and hate it and embrace it and fear it simultaneously, just like Justin Beiber. Fire makes hot dogs taste better and keeps monsters away. Fire is essential and it affects us every day, for better or worse. Fire. Fire. Fire.

Critically Rated at 17/17

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Sticks

I like being outside. I like camping and hiking and tromping through the woods. I know that I’m still a little kid at heart because I like to pick up sticks. And my imagination soars when I have that piece of wood in my hand. Sometimes it’s a magic wand and I gotta fight Voldemort. Sometimes it’s a sword and I gotta fight Captain Hook. Sometimes it’s a light saber and I use it to stab George Lucas for habitually ruining Star Wars. I like to break them. When I’m camping I’ll bust out my pocketknife and carve one. Occasionally I throw a stick for a dog or a toddler to run after and fetch. I’m not too good with kids, but they seem to love that game.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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