Monthly Archives: April 2015

April 29, 2015 · 4:34 pm

Turning Thirty

It’s my birthday today. You don’t have to get me anything; I just want you to know that it’s my birthday. And it’s kind of a milestone. It’s my thirtieth. The big 3-0. The Dirty Thirty. My twenties are over. It’s the start of a new era. Your thirties can be whatever you want them to be. I want mine to be a lot like my twenties, but with more money. A lot more.

My birthday has been pretty uneventful so far. I woke up, I took a shit, I took a shower, I drank a beer, I hung out with my roommates and we watched internet videos, I drank another beer, and then I left the house to run some errands before I go out of town for a weekend wedding in San Diego.

One of the things I had to do was pick up my rental suit. I was trying it on and the lady asked if I was going to prom on Saturday. I told her it was for a wedding. She apologized and I told her that I just turned thirty so I’d take it as a compliment. Her jaw dropped. The best part was when a high school senior approached me in disbelief. “You’re thirty?!? I’m seventeen. You look like a baby.”

I’m thirty. I don’t feel like a baby. But I know that I have good genes and alcohol makes a great preservative. In fact, I plan on drinking copious amounts of alcohol tonight while I watch the Giants hopefully beat the Dodgers. Nothing makes a better birthday gift than beating LA.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 23, 2015 · 6:12 pm

Renewing Your License at the DMV

I had the day off today. I didn’t do anything fun though. I had to renew my license at the DMV. I made an appointment a few weeks ago, but that didn’t save me much time. I got to the DMV a half hour before my scheduled appointment. I waited in the line for people with appointments for about fifteen minutes just so the DMV guy could give me a number and tell me to wait until they call it. I found a chair and waited for about ten minutes. Then they called my number, I went to a window, and the DMV lady went over my paperwork. Then I had to take a vision test. I have terrible Asian eyesight, so that was pretty nerve-wracking. I did ok with both eyes, but everything went blurry when I had to cover my left eye. I thought I would fail right then and there, but I wasn’t as blind in my other eye. My vision was good enough for me to pass. That’s kind of scary. It makes me wonder how many blind drivers there are on the road. After I eeked out my narrow vision victory they took a copy of my thumbprint. Then I had to pay thirty-three bucks because that’s how much renewing your license costs. Then I had to wait in another line to get my picture taken. That line took the longest. It was only five people deep but it took about thirty-five minutes for me to get to the front. It only took about forty-five seconds for them to take my picture. I don’t know why it took so long. Renewing your license at the DMV sucks. I’m glad I don’t have to worry about it again for another ten years or so.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 22, 2015 · 2:06 pm

Pigeon Feet

Pigeons are disgusting city creatures. They are the sewer rats of the avian world. They live in the dirtiest parts of downtown and feast on the remnants of our garbage. And they have fucked up feet. Pigeon feet are a treasure trove of gnarled toes and mangled stumps. I don’t know if fucked up pigeon feet are genetic or simply a result of life on the street, but I see a lot of pigeons with fucked up feet. There are a lot of other city birds that eat our trash. Seagulls, crows, ravens all rely on dirty humans for survival. They don’t have fucked up feet. It seems like strictly a pigeon thing. The next time you see a pigeon, look at its feet. Be prepared to lose your appetite.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 19, 2015 · 10:21 pm

Change Machine

I recently moved to a new spot and today was the first chance I had to do laundry. Needless to say, I took advantage of the opportunity and I went to the local laundromat. I had to do a couple loads, so I put a few bucks into the change machine to get some quarters. As the quarters fell out, it dawned on me that it shouldn’t be called a change machine. It doesn’t give you change. It only gives you quarters. Change is more a mixture or combination of coins. It should be called a quarter machine. It’s a more accurate name. A change machine is that thing at the grocery store checkout counter. It was hard to concentrate on my laundry after a revelation like that, but I managed not to slip anything red into my whites. 

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

  

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April 15, 2015 · 5:42 pm

Playing the Bonus Track on the Jukebox

I was at the local dive bar after work and was watching the game on TV. There was a couple of girls playing music on the jukebox. They played a bunch of bar staples like Journey, Queen, Tupac, etc. They were doing a decent job until one of them put on the bonus track from Sublime’s Robbin’ the Hood. It’s not much of a bonus track. It’s a simple reggae beat playing in the background as Brad Nowell thanks a random bunch of people. It’s only about two and a half minutes long, but two and a half minutes is a long time to listen to a stoned guy mumbling barely coherent thank yous instead of an actual song. I don’t recommend playing the bonus track on the jukebox unless you want to piss off the whole bar. Pay attention to what you’re playing, and don’t play tracks you aren’t familiar with. You’d think that would be obvious to most people, but I learned a long time ago that common sense is a lot more rare than you’d expect.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

  

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April 13, 2015 · 9:01 pm

Whenever You Get a Chance

The next time you go out to a bar or a restaurant and it’s a bit too busy, try using the phrase whenever you get a chance rather than saying please. It’s just as polite and far less stressful for them. Your server or bartender will be far more inclined to help you if you just show a little kindness. Saying whenever you get a chance shows that you are aware that they have other customers and that you know you aren’t the center of the universe. It shows that you have sympathy for the person who is running around trying to satisfy as many people as possible. It means that you’re more likely to tip. And generally speaking, people in the service industry like customers that tip. They are more motivated to help the ones that compensate them monetarily or who treat them with some mutual respect.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 12, 2015 · 7:13 pm

Getting Stuck in the Middle of an Argument

I was hanging out with some friends the other day. It was a fun time up until they started bickering about some minor bullshit that occurred between the two of them a few weeks earlier. They started hurling accusations and insults at each other and the tension was rising. I had to intervene to calm them down. I gave them a reminder that they were in public and told them to kindly shut the fuck up. I hate getting stuck in the middle of an argument, especially stupid ones. Luckily I didn’t have to choose sides this time. People are going to argue and butt heads from time to time. Sometime innocent people get stuck in the crossfire. You can either turn a blind eye or you can try to be the voice of reason. Either choice has potential repercussions. Choose wisely. It’s a terrible feeling when people you care about don’t get along and showcase it in front of you. Especially when it’s your parents and you’re the topic of discussion.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 11, 2015 · 6:56 pm

$100 for 13 Bottles of Bud Light

I was hanging out with some friends at the bar the other night and last call snuck up on us. Suddenly the bar was closing and it was too late to run to the liquor store. My friend was desperate to keep the party going. How desperate? Well, she gave the bartender fifty bucks to take home thirteen bottles of Bud Light. And she tipped fifty bucks on top of that. Let that sink in. She spent $100 for 13 bottles of Bud Light. If that’s not a waste of money, I don’t know what is. You can get a 12-pack of Bud Light for less than fifteen bucks, or you can spend twenty bucks and get a 12-pack of good beer. She chose to waste a hundred bucks on thirteen shitty beers. To each their own, but that’s fucking ridiculous. I couldn’t even drink one. I was too busy shaking my head.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 9, 2015 · 9:59 pm

Driving with a Mattress Strapped to the Roof

You don’t know true fear until you’ve gone driving with a mattress strapped to the roof. I was unlucky enough to experience this last week. I had to move my mattress and bed frame six miles across town. It wasn’t easy. I used bungie cords to hold the mattress and frame together, then I tied it to the roof of my friend’s SUV. We mostly drove along surface streets but there was a two-mile stretch on the highway and it was a particularly windy day. It was terrifying. I felt compelled to lean out the window and hold it down with one hand while steering the car with the other. It was not fun and my arm went numb. I felt bad for the guy stuck behind me. He looked even more scared than I was. I made it to my destination with everything in tact, but I gained a few new gray hairs in the process. Driving with a mattress strapped to the roof sucks. Next time I think I will splurge for the U-haul.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

  

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April 5, 2015 · 5:43 pm

Couch Slant

If you’ve ever crashed on a couch before, I’m sure you’re aware of how much the couch slant can affect your sleep. Some couches aren’t at an even ninety degree angle, there’s usually a slight tilt. You don’t really notice it when you’re sitting but it becomes obvious when you’re lying down. It’s one of the perils of sleeping on the couch. When I was younger I was worried about passing out on the couch and my friends drawing penises with a Sharpie on my face. Now I’m older and I worry about the couch slant fucking up my back. This is one of things that they never warned you about growing up.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

  

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April 5, 2015 · 1:15 pm

Designated Backpacks

I’m a firm believer of designated backpacks. I have four backpacks and use them for different things. One is my work bag, which has all the stuff I need for everyday activities, I have a park/beach bag which contains speakers, a baseball glove, a few baseballs, a tennis ball, a Nerf football, a frisbee, and a stack of red keg cups. I have my traveling bag to take on mini vacations and overnight stays. And I have a backup bag. I don’t know what to do with it yet. Maybe I should store my other backpacks in it. Having designated bags makes life easier, especially when it comes to your work/everyday bag. You’ll never forget your work stuff if it’s always in the same bag. Its only when you take out work stuff to make room for a frisbee that you fuck yourself over. Don’t fuck yourself over. Use designated backpacks.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

  

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April 2, 2015 · 2:07 pm

Airplane Mode

Airplane mode is a setting on your phone/tablet/laptop that cuts off its transmission signal. It basically makes it invisible to the outside world. You can’t call, text, or browse the net but you can still run any apps, music, or videos that you have downloaded to your device. Most people only use airplane mode when they are on planes and the pilot tells you to put your stuff on airplane mode. That is a waste of a glorious setting. I use airplane mode all the time. I use it when I’m catching up with friends over dinner. I use it at the movies so I don’t get distracted. I use it to escape group texts blowing up my phone while I’m trying to sleep in. And here’s a good life hack: the next time you need to charge a dying phone in a hurry, switch it to airplane mode and it will recharge faster. It works. I swear. Airplane mode isn’t just for airplanes. Get with it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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