Monthly Archives: March 2015

March 30, 2015 · 1:32 pm

Old Conversations

I’m moving across town in a couple of days and I’ve been going through all my crap, boxing some stuff up and throwing other stuff away. I just found a treasure trove of old conversations from my senior year of high school and freshman year of college. They were mostly printed out emails and AIM conversations with friends and ex-girlfriends. They are embarrassing to read. Everything is of the utmost importance when you’re eighteen. You live for drama. Most of the conversations are either arguments over slights I can’t remember, or me dispensing advice like I know what the fuck I’m talking about. I can’t read these old conversations without realizing that I was a naïve little bitch. I don’t think that I could be friends with my eighteen-year-old self. Now I’m older, wiser, and slightly more mature. I’m still driving the same car around though. I held on to those old conversations for more than a decade. I finally put them in the recycling bin. I don’t need to hold onto the past anymore. It’s tomorrow or bust.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 30, 2015 · 12:34 pm

Friends with a Liar

I am friends with a liar. He lies all the time, and he will lie about anything. He will lie about the mundane, he will lie about the fantastic, and he will steal other people’s stories and make them his own. You can’t trust anything that he says. He will lie about what time he left the house, what shoe he put on first, and what he had for dinner. He will lie about places he’s been to and people he’s met. I don’t know why he lies so much, but he does. It’s probably for attention, but at this point it’s probably a habit. It kind of sucks being friends with a liar. You have to take everything he says with a grain of salt. You want to believe him but you can’t. He’s still my friend though. We’ve gone through some shit, both good and bad. He’s always been dependable, just not trustworthy.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 29, 2015 · 4:40 pm

Kevin Spacey’s Baseball Skills

I finally caved in and started watching House of Cards on Netflix. It’s a great show with great actors, writers, and directors. Kevin Spacey has won Oscars for his movie roles, yet his portrayal of the scheming Francis “Frank” Underwood is perhaps his finest accomplishment. Frank is a complex character. You want Frank to succeed even though he sometimes plays dirty. It takes a tremendous amount of acting skill to make a manipulative character likeable. He makes Frank Underwood seem like a real political figure. But every once in a while you get reminded that he’s just acting, like the season 2 episode “Chapter 19.” That’s the episode where Frank is set to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Camden Yards. There’s a quick scene where he is practicing in his backyard and it becomes quite obvious that Kevin Spacey has never played Little League. He throws like a girl. His form is terrible, almost as if he’s throwing with the wrong arm. It’s embarrassing to watch. It’s distracting. Kevin Spacey’s abysmal baseball skills cause you to lose respect for Frank Underwood and that should never happen.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 27, 2015 · 6:23 pm

Twelve Girls, Twelve No’s

There was a kid in my class who once called up and asked out twelve girls on the same night. They all said no. It was seventh or eighth grade and there were only forty kids in my entire class. Obviously it was the hot topic of discussion for a whole week. Twelve girls, twelve no’s. We all talked about it, laughed about it, talked shit about him, and insulted him to his face. We let him know that we knew all about his failed love life. Pathetic. We called him pathetic. We thought it was. Now I know that it was anything but. Getting rejected sucks. It hurts when you ask someone out and they say no. It might take a while to get over it. He heard no after no after no. He could have licked his wounds, but he kept on going and trying. He kept getting rejected but he kept on asking. I don’t know how hard that must have been. It wasn’t pathetic. It was anything but. I wish that I knew that back then.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 26, 2015 · 10:04 pm

Working a Double

Working a double is when you work two shifts on the same day. Working a double shift is taxing on the body but rewarding on the paycheck. That overtime pay is one hell of a motivator. The best way to get through a double is avoid looking at the clock. A watched pot never boils. The more you think about the time, the slower it ticks by. Nobody really wants to work, so working a single shift is bad enough. Working two shifts in a day gives you a valid excuse to grumble and complain. You have the right to bitch… after all, you just worked a double! Some people work doubles a few times a week. That’s a good way to make a lot of money, but it may cost you your sanity. You’ll definitely get a gray hair or two. Maybe even a wrinkle. Doubles are stressful. And if they aren’t, you aren’t working hard enough.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 24, 2015 · 1:40 pm

Food Fight (redux)

A food fight is people throw food at each other instead of eating it. It’s a staple of physical comedy. There’s something oddly satisfying about seeing someone getting smashed in the face with a pie. There are a few types of food fights. There are Hollywood food fights and there are real food fight fights. A Hollywood food fight is pretty cliché. Two hot girls fight by pouring milkshakes over each other’s heads and down their dresses. The young protagonist stands up to the bully in the cafeteria and uses food instead of fists to settle a problem, then a random fat kid yells “FOOD FIGHT!” and everyone gets in on it.

Real food fights can be organized, like Spain’s annual La Tomatina festival where thousands of participants hurl hundreds of thousand tomatoes at each other, or they can be spontaneous. Sometimes the best way to settle a family argument is to throw a spoonful of mashed potatoes at your little sister. Of course if you flick the first spoonful you should expect two spoonfuls in return. Food fights are only fun when they escalate. And they are contagious so you have to be careful. It’s hard to see people fighting with food and not want to join in on the fun.

There’s nothing more American than fighting with food. There are starving kids in China, but fuck them and fuck you, I’d rather spit peas at people than eat them. If I want to waste food, I’m going to do it with style.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 24, 2015 · 1:39 pm

Bar Ordering Showdown

You’re hanging out with some friends at the bar and it’s time to order another drink. You leave your table in the corner and approach the bartender at the same time as someone else. The two of you are now competing for the bartender’s attention and only one person can win the bar ordering showdown. Who will be served first? This is when it pays to be a regular, but not everybody has that luxury. The best way to win the showdown is to have a twenty in your hand and a look of determination. Make eye contact but don’t stare. And always know what you want. If you’re in a new bar or one that you don’t frequent often, it helps to pay as you go and tip out well on each drink. Overtip on the first round and the bartender will definitely remember you. You can’t win every showdown so don’t take it personally when you lose. The bartender won’t ignore you forever. Eventually you’ll get a drink and that’s all that matters.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 22, 2015 · 6:05 pm

Losing Your Phone

The world is a different place when you lose your phone. You have no idea how reliant you are on a miniature computer that fits in your pocket until it’s no longer in your pocket. I know this because I lost my phone on Friday night. I left it in the Uber. It was terrible, it was amateur, it was a rookie mistake. I felt like a loser in every sense of the word. I noticed something was amiss pretty quickly. I got out of the Uber, went to 7-Eleven, and patted an empty pocket on the way out the door. I sheepishly confessed to my friend that I lost my phone and I didn’t know if I left it in the Uber or at the bar. Yes, I was a little bit drunk. It was Friday fucking night, what did you expect? We called the bar but nobody had turned it in. My friend called the Uber driver and left a message. Then there was nothing left to do but play the waiting game and it was getting kind of late so I went home.

I got home and started changing all my passwords. I changed my email passwords, my bank password, and my Facebook password (ain’t no way I’m getting status hacked on top of everything else). I tried to change my Venmo account but stopped when it tried to send verification to me via text. I’m changing my password for a reason, what the fucking fuck!?!

I had to work the next morning and wake up by 8:30 am. This is when not having a phone started to become an actual burden. I use my phone for everything, including as an alarm clock. Luckily I’m a spoiled American and used my iPad as an alarm clock. I woke up Saturday morning and left to take the bus to work. I got to the stop and wanted to check the arrival time but I couldn’t because I didn’t have my phone. I waited for a while. I’m not really sure how long I waited for. I couldn’t check because I didn’t have my phone. I finally got on a bus. It was an insanely long bus ride. I couldn’t do anything to pass the time. I couldn’t listen to music, read the news, check sports scores, stalk people on Facebook, or play Trivia Crack because I didn’t have my phone. All I could do was stare out the window. Along the way I saw a group of old ladies dressed up as pirates. It was an unusual sight, even for San Francisco, so I wanted to take a picture. I couldn’t though because I didn’t have my phone.

The Uber driver eventually got in touch with my friend and he promised to bring it back. I tried to meet up with him a few times but it’s hard to communicate through third parties. I had to borrow other people’s phones to text my friend to text the Uber driver and hope that the messages got through. I finally got my phone back earlier today. The Uber driver was actually really nice about the whole thing and refused to take any cash as a reward/tip/display of gratitude or gas money.

I went through the whole weekend without my phone in my pocket. I survived but I never want to experience that kind of anxiety again. I never knew what time it was. I couldn’t GPS so I didn’t know where I was. I would occasionally forget that I didn’t have it and check my pocket, remember it’s not there, and get sad. I would feel phantom vibrations. I couldn’t call anyone, I couldn’t text anyone, I could only talk to people that were in the same room as me. I felt disconnected and alone. It was like being in a different time, a forgotten era. I don’t ever want to go back there. I vow that I’ll never be that stupid again. At least I hope I’ll never be that stupid again.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 19, 2015 · 2:00 pm

Pubic Hair on the Shower Wall

I’ve noticed that there is always a pubic hair on the shower wall. It doesn’t matter if it’s your shower, a hotel’s shower, or a friend’s shower. It doesn’t matter if you’re a dirty person or anal about cleaning. It doesn’t even matter if you shave downstairs. There’s still going to be a pubic hair on the wall and it’s hardly ever yours. You can’t fight it. Don’t try to. Embrace the pube on the wall. Marvel at how curly it is. Wonder how it got so high up there. Aim the showerhead at it to wash it away. Notice that it’s back on the wall the next day. It’s a mystery, a conspiracy, a law of the universe. I theorize that every missing sock turns into a pubic hair on the shower wall. That’s the only explanation for the phenomenon.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 18, 2015 · 2:41 pm

Forgetting Where You Parked Your Car and Thinking It Got Stolen

I have a car but I don’t drive it very often. I pretty much only drive it when I have to go to the store or to move it for street cleaning. I forgot about the street cleaning last week until the last minute but I was able to move my car in time. Unfortunately I had to park it on a different street because all the spots were taken on mine. This morning I went to find my car and move it back to my street. I walked to where I thought I left it and it wasn’t there. I kept on walking, hoping it was just a little bit up ahead. It still wasn’t there. I started panicking a little bit. Where did I park it? Did somebody steal it? Was this the start of weeks on the phone battling the insurance company? Forgetting where you parked your car and thinking it got stolen is an unsettling feeling. You can’t help but feel that the universe has it in for you, that it’s out to get you. All you can do in that situation is keep on walking and looking for your car. That’s what I did. I kept on walking. Eventually I found my car. It just wasn’t where I remembered parking it. I felt a little stupid and a lot of relief. Nobody stole it (this time at least). Next time I will take pictures of where I park it and mark the GPS on my phone. It will be more work but less stress later on.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 17, 2015 · 2:34 pm

Adventure Day

Every couple of weeks I will get a random day off in the middle of the week and sometimes a friend will have the same day off too. I can’t afford to lose those days. I turn them into adventure days. An adventure day is when you go out and do a bunch of spontaneous activities. Go hiking, go biking, try spelunking. Go to the beach and dig a hole. Go to the park and climb a tree. Explore downtown and find a new restaurant to try, walk into a shop that you always walk by, or see how many pigeons it takes to eat a hot dog (it’s probably around seven). The point is that you have to take advantage of the time you have while you have it. And so you go on adventures. They don’t have to swashbuckling. They just have to be genuine. Adventure day doesn’t come around that often. Do it while you can.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 17, 2015 · 2:33 pm

Twilight Bark

I was relaxing at home the other night when I heard my neighbor’s dog howling. It was a slow, mournful wail and then it would pause for a minute. A few blocks away another dog would bark back a response, and then the howling would continue before another dog would jump in on the conversation. It sounded familiar but I couldn’t quite put my finger on where I’ve heard it before. Then it hit me. I was listening to the twilight bark in action. You might remember the twilight bark from Disney’s One Hundred and One Dalmatians. It’s when the evening quiet is shattered by dogs barking and howling at each other. It’s how Pongo and Perdita spread the word about their kidnapped puppies. The twilight bark is far more than a canine AMBER Alert. It’s a canine form of communication over long distances. Everyone knows the best way for dogs to converse is to sniff each other’s asses, but the twilight bark allows them to broadcast information on a larger scale. It’s like Twitter only with more growls and yips and fewer hashtags and you aren’t restricted to a hundred and forty characters.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 16, 2015 · 1:08 pm

Wearing Sandals with Socks On

I’ll be turning thirty in a month. My twenties will be over. I will be considered an old man by everyone that is still in high school. And I’ve already decided that I’ll start wearing sandals with socks on. I know that it’s a fashion faux pas, but I’ll be too old to give a fuck anymore. I won’t care about looking cool, I’ll only care about being comfortable. And wearing sandals with socks on seems mighty comfortable. That’s why so many dads and grandpas dress like that. I won’t start sporting a fanny pack until I’m in my forties, but I’ll use my thirties to start getting acquainted with the geezer style of dress. That begins with wearing sandals with socks on and grows from there. Trust me, if I could stay sockless and in my twenties forever I would, but now it’s time to grow up and rock Crocs with socks. I guess this is growing up.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 15, 2015 · 5:26 pm

Undeclared

Undeclared is a Fox sitcom that served as the follow-up to Judd Apatow’s earlier cult hit series, Freaks and Geeks. In case you’ve been living under a rock, Apatow is the genius that has written, directed, or produced some of the best comedies Hollywood has to offer. He brought us The Cable Guy, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Knocked Up, Superbad, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Step Brothers, Pineapple Express, Bridesmaids… the list goes on and on. Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared were some of his earliest projects and they laid a solid foundation for his career.

Undeclared is a half-hour sitcom about freshman Steven Karp’s (Jay Baruchel) first year at college. Seth Rogen, Charlie Hunnam, and Timm Sharp play his roommates. Carla Gallo, Monica Keena, and Tina Ellroy play the girls living in the dorm across the hall. The two groups band together and deal with all your typical college shenanigans like sex, dating, drinking, parents, partying, playing Truth or Dare, prank wars with fraternities and disgruntled R.A.s, and gaining the dreaded Freshman Fifteen. The comedic style is mostly loose and improvised, relying more on character wit than sight gags. There is no laugh track or studio audience. It’s not the game changer that Freaks and Geeks was, but it’s a funnier and sharper show.

It’s impossible to watch this show and not be reminded of Freaks and Geeks. Seth Rogen has a starring role in both shows, Jason Segel guest stars in a few episodes, and Busy Phillips, Martin Starr, Samm Levine and other Freaks and Geeks alumni pop up occasionally. There are tons of other cameos and guest spots from actors and comedians that you know and love. I won’t mention them in hopes that you watch the show and get pleasantly surprised.

Unfortunately, Undeclared has another similarity with Freaks and Geeks. Both shows were cancelled before completing the first season. It’s sad because the series had so much potential and it ends way too quickly. There are only seventeen episodes, and each one is so funny and entertaining that you can’t help but binge-watch. Before you know it, you have no more episodes to watch and you’re let with a void in your heart and Netflix queue.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 14, 2015 · 6:40 pm

Packing Last Minute

It doesn’t matter how far in advance I plan a trip, I always end up packing last minute. I’ll do my laundry the day I leave so I have the maximum number of clean boxers and socks as possible. I can’t pack my charger too early because I need my phone fully charged when I leave the house. I can’t pack my toothbrush and toothpaste the night before because I have to brush my teeth in the morning. The same thing goes with packing my shampoo, body wash, and lather thingy the night before because I can’t wake up without taking a shower. It’s rough, I know. You might leave out a few things by leaving it until the last minute but it doesn’t matter. You always forget to pack something anyway. Like pants.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 14, 2015 · 6:39 pm

Pants

Pants are an article of clothing that cover your ass, legs, and junk. They typically go from your waist to your ankles, or from your ankles to your waist depending on how you look at it. Some countries call them trousers, but here in America we call them pants. Foreigners wear trousers. Muricans wear pants. There are many different types of pants. There are jeans, leggings, Capris, ass-less chaps, breeches. There are also many different ways to hold your pants up. Most people prefer belts, hipsters and old people go for suspenders, and some rugged individuals use rope, extension cords, or duct tape. Pants are interesting because the word is both singular and plural. It’s also a noun and a verb and a contradiction, like when you pants somebody in gym class. It’s contradictory because you‘re taking off somebody’s pants when you pants them. I like pants. I wear them every day except when it’s my day off and I don’t have to. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that chicks can wear pants now too thanks to the women’s liberation movement. What a time to be alive.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 12, 2015 · 12:54 pm

Radio DJ

I used to think that being a DJ for a radio station would be a great job. I would get to play cool music all day, I would have thousands of people listening to what I have to say, and I would run the occasional contest for free concert tickets. Then I grew up and so did technology. We listen to Pandora and Spotify, we can download and stream music instantly anywhere and anytime. People don’t need to listen to the radio anymore and we don’t want to. If I’m listening to music on the radio, it’s because I have no other option. I want to hear music, not what the DJ has to say about it. I know that “Uptown Funk” is a catchy song, I don’t need the DJ to tell me that (or play it five times an hour). Radio isn’t necessary anymore and so what chance does a radio DJ have? They should get the Of Mice and Men treatment. We should lead them into a field, tell them about the rabbits, and shoot them in the back of the head. It sounds harsh, but it’s the most humane way to get rid of them.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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