Category Archives: Drinks

Beer, soda, and other fun fluids you put in your mouth.

February 8, 2021 · 7:03 pm

Lagunitas IPNA

I’m doing a dry February. Lots of people do a dry January, but February is a shorter month so it’s easier. This is my third consecutive February without alcohol and it’s nice to take a break from the booze for a bit. I usually supplement my drinking habit with non-alcoholic beer. The problem is that most non-alcoholic beer is pretty terrible.

I drink a lot of craft beer, especially IPAs. Most non-alcoholic beers are based on lighter beers like lagers or pilsners, so they lack the hop heavy and complex flavors that I’m used to. Today I found a six pack of Lagunitas IPNA and I might have discovered my favorite non-alcoholic beer.

Lagunitas IPNA is a non-alcoholic IPA. They brew it like a real beer. They use hops, malt, yeast, and and water. It’s crafted with quality malts like Munich malt, English crystal malt, and Canadian 2-row barley then dry hopped with Citra, Mosaic, Columbus, Tomahawk and Zeus hops. They just don’t allow it to get stronger than .5% ABV.

I poured it into a beer glass for the full effect. It pours nice, although the head is rather thin. Seems less carbonated than their flagship IPA. It has a beautiful dark amber color. It’s smells like a real IPA. Citrus and pine hops upfront, some biscuit, resin maybe.

The taste is a little thin. I was slightly disappointed because the aroma was so promising. I get pine, resin, citrus, orange peel, but it feels a little watered down. It starts to coat the tongue the more you sip it which adds to the flavor as you go along. It’s reminiscent of a session ale, but less filling which total makes sense due to the lack of alcohol.

It’s pretty close to the real deal. I think it would fool a non IPA drinker. It’s the most satisfying non-alcoholic beer I’ve had to date. I definitely recommend it. It makes those sober times easier to transition into.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 15, 2020 · 4:26 pm

Dry February 2020

Last February I decided to forgo alcohol. Why? Because it’s the shortest month of course. Just four quick weeks and it’s over. Dry February 2019 was a rousing success and I decided to do a dry February for 2020. I had an exception: I would drink if the 49ers won the Super Bowl, and if they lost I would drink on the 29th because it’s a Leap Day and those are worth celebrating. Well the 49ers lost, so I’m eagerly awaiting the 29th to get back off the wagon. I think that’s how it goes… you’re off the wagon if you’re drinking and you’re on the wagon if you aren’t drinking. Right? I don’t know much about wagons.

Anyway, today is February 15th so I’m already past the halfway point. So far so good. I’m pretty much in the clear. The first two nights are the worst. I had major insomnia and sleep was hard to get. I mostly tossed and turned. I wouldn’t have survived if I didn’t have some good indica. Hey, I said a dry February, not a sober February. Get over it.

Not drinking gives me a lot more time in the day. I’ve mostly used it by catching up on Netflix, Disney+, and HBO. Not very productive of me, but it passes the time. The weather has been hit or miss, but I’ll take the dogs to the beach and the park when I can. I’ve been avoiding bars and parties which definitely helps eliminate temptation and saves me money. I went to the Heat vs Warriors game at the new Chase Center in downtown San Francisco. I didn’t get any beer but still managed to spend forty-five bucks on food and soda. The game was a blowout and the Warriors got crushed but it was still a fun night.

With two weeks down and less than two weeks remaining, I’m looking forward to March and my triumphant return to the wonderful world of booze. But I don’t plan on indulging as much as I did before. I’ll probably copy my friend’s approach to moderation. She gives herself three days of drinking then takes three days off. That sounds like the perfect balance to me. And if I stick to that plan there won’t be a need for Dry February 2021.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 10, 2020 · 4:57 pm

Jason Moore

Let me preface this story by reminding everyone that I’ve been in the service industry for more than fourteen years. I’ve heard a lot of interesting requests. A few days ago I had a customer ask me for drink I’ve never heard of before. She asked me for a glass that was half Sprite and half lemonade. She apologized for not remembering the name of the drink. I told her I don’t think there is a name for it. She insisted that there was.

We mentioned the usual suspects. Arnold Palmer: half iced tea, half lemonade. Shirley Temple: Sprite with grenadine. Roy Rogers: Coke with grenadine. John Daly: an Arnold Palmer with vodka. It wasn’t any of those. I went ahead and made her the half Sprite half lemonade and dropped it off. Then I pulled out my phone and googled “Half Sprite half lemonade” because curiosity is a bitch.

I scrolled down for a bit until I found a single post with that recipe. It said that a half Sprite half lemonade was known as a Jason Moore and that the name originated in Arizona. The post had zero votes and zero credibility. But I mentioned the name to her and she said it was right.

I asked all my other coworkers if they have ever heard of a Jason Moore. Nobody had any idea what I was talking about. I asked a few coworkers at my other restaurant if they had heard of it. They were also blissfully unaware of Jason Moores.

I did more research and saw that it’s a known drink on UrbanDictionary.com and it only has one post describing it. It was posted in September of 2016 and it only has four likes and one dislike. The one dislike was from me, so there really isn’t much online presence for this so-called mocktail. I’m contributing to its online presence with this blog post right now.

I never knew about the Jason Moore drink. I don’t know who it’s named after. Well, it’s obviously named after Jason Moore… but who the fuck is Jason Moore? Anyone in Arizona have any ideas? Is he the mayor of a small town? Maybe a bored bartender with one moderately successful creation? The world demands answers.

By the way, I made my own Jason Moore to see what all the fuss is about. It’s meh. I’d rather have an Arnold Palmer. Who am I kidding? Make it a John Daly.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 4, 2020 · 3:56 pm

Natural Light Seltzer

It’s 2020 and we live in a world of hard seltzers. Brands like White Claw, Truly, Spiked Seltzer, Smirnoff Spiked Sparkling Seltzer, Henry’s Hard Sparkling Water, and Wild Basin Boozy Sparking Water are flying off the shelves. It’s a crowded marketplace and more brands are throwing their hat in the ring.

Natural Light decided that they wanted to play too. They came up with Natural Light Seltzer. I was reluctant to try it. Natural Light isn’t a brand known for high quality. It’s for college kids and amateurs. But Natural Light Seltzer has a few good things going for it. Number one: it’s cheaper than the other brands. Number two: it’s got a higher alcohol percentage. It’s 6% ABV, most of the other seltzers are 4.5% or 5% ABV. Cheaper and stronger? Yes please. The third good thing about it: they have great names.

There’s Aloha Peaches (described as When Mango & Peach Go Beach Mode) and Catalina Lime Mixer (described as When Cherry & Lime Become Best Friends). I always enjoy a nice Step Brothers reference. I like both the flavors but I prefer the Catalina Lime Mixer. Aloha Peaches is a little too sweet for me.

I will always prefer beer over hard seltzers, but I find myself drinking more seltzers and fewer beers these days. My local 7-Eleven has a deal on two 25 ounce cans for $5.10. That’s fifty ounces of booze for under six bucks. That’s a hell of a deal, especially for San Francisco. Can’t go wrong with that. Unless you’re driving.

Try it. Or don’t. I don’t care. You do you.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 22, 2019 · 5:26 pm

Mr. Pibb

Mr. Pibb is the Coca-Cola Company’s version of Dr Pepper. Well, it was. Apparently they changed the formula and the name. It’s Pibb Xtra now. It’s been that way since 2001. I had no idea. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

I always thought that Mr. Pibb got the short end of the stick. It’s supposed to be a clone of Dr Pepper, but it doesn’t have an equal name. Dr Pepper sounds important, like a soda that went to med school. Mr. Pibb has a generic title. It should have been Pibb, M.D. or Professor Pibb. Something with more clout. Now it’s Pibb Xtra which sounds more like a Mountain Dew clone. Extreme.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 3, 2019 · 9:58 pm

SpikedSeltzer Lowered Their Alcohol Content

Lately I’ve been drinking a lot of spiked sparkling water as an alternative to beer. SpikedSeltzer was my brand of choice, not for their flavors but because they had a 6% alcohol content. Truly and White Claw have a 5% alcohol content by comparison. SpikedSeltzer was the obvious choice. But not anymore. They lowered their alcohol content down to 4.5%. That’s a significant drop, drastic enough for me to stop buying their product. I didn’t want to switch to other brands. They forced me into it. They won’t be getting my money anymore, and I spend a lot of money on booze. Someone deserves to be fired for that blunder. Hey SpikedSeltzer, bring back the 6%!

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 6, 2019 · 3:51 pm

Coca-Cola Orange Vanilla

Every now and then something new comes along and completely changes everything forever. Coca-Cola’s new Orange Vanilla flavor is not one of those things, but it is still worth talking about. I like Coke. I like Cherry Coke. I like Vanilla Coke. Now I like Orange Vanilla Coke. It tastes like how it sounds it would taste. It’s like someone melted a creamsicle into Coke. It’s delicious and refreshing. It’s not for everyone, but you’ll probably enjoy it if you like Coke and trying new things. Get a bottle or can of it and join the revolution.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 21, 2019 · 4:50 pm

Dry February

I decided to take a short break from drinking. It’s been a dry February. There’s not a real reason for me doing it. I just felt like it and February is the shortest month so it seemed like the perfect time. Four short weeks, a mere twenty-eight days… totally doable.

The first night was the worst. It always is. I planned ahead though. I was stocked up on nonalcoholic beer and some indica pods for my vape. My sleep was mostly restless with weird dreams but I made it through. I noticed I had more energy in the morning after the first three days. I still needed coffee to really get going. One of the biggest obstacles to overcome was the Super Bowl. Luckily the game was so mind numbingly terrible that I didn’t need alcohol.

It’s the twenty-first today so I only have a week to go. I’m not going to lie, I’m looking forward to ending my self imposed sobriety. It’s nice being clearheaded and all, but the sheer boredom is starting to get to me. I’ve done a lot of Netflixing, reading, and a bit of writing in my spare time, but those are all tasks that go better with a beer in my opinion. Ultimately I’ve realized I don’t need alcohol but I really like it and would like to continue having it as a part of my life. In moderation of course. Everything in moderation.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 14, 2019 · 5:41 pm

CORE Hydration Caps

CORE Hydration is a fancy brand of functional or enhanced bottled water. It’s basically overpriced water with added electrolytes. The bottle is easily distinguished by its big blue cap. The cap is way bigger than it needs to be. You could easily use it as a makeshift bowl for a dog on a hike or at the beach. The big blue cap is totally unnecessary. If you crack it open there is a regular bottled water cap underneath. CORE more than doubles the amount of plastic that it needs to just stand out on the shelf. Bottled water is already a scam and terrible for the environment. CORE Hydration takes it to a new level. I’m beginning the boycott. Say no to CORE!

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 15, 2018 · 5:22 pm

SpikedSeltzer

I’m a beer drinker. I like to drink beer. But sometimes beer is too heavy and I want a lighter alternative. That’s when I go for SpikedSeltzer. SpikedSeltzer is a brand of alcohol-infused sparkling water. It comes in a variety of flavors, each one is crisp and refreshing with a 6% alcohol content and only five grams of carbs per 16oz can. You can drink it straight from the can, but it tastes better over ice. You can even use it as a mixer. It comes in cranberry, lemon, lime, orange, and grapefruit.

They can be dangerous because you can’t taste the alcohol. It tastes just like sparkling water. Maybe it is psychological but I feel like it doesn’t dehydrate me. It’s my new alcohol of choice if I want to get a buzz while being active or for day drinking under the sun. The biggest downside to SpikedSeltzer is that it’s not really popular yet. I went to six different stores around my house to find it and didn’t have any luck. I found a twelve pack of it at Target and snatched it up. If you happen to come across it, don’t hesitate to pick it up. It’s worth it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 22, 2018 · 8:36 pm

Clausthaler Dry Hopped

So I recently decided to cut back on drinking. I bought a few six packs of non-alcoholic beer to help ease into the transition. The only problem is that I’m used to drinking IPAs and most non-alcoholic beers taste like bland lagers. That’s why I was pretty happy to discover Clausthaler Dry Hopped. It’s a non-alcoholic malt beverage with less than .5% abv, and it’s imported from Germany so it’s classy. They dry hop the beer with Cascade hops (meaning they add the hops to the beer after it’s been brewed and cooled, which gives it a hoppy flavor). The end result is a non-alcoholic beer that tastes pretty close to a craft beer. It’s hoppy with a little citrus and a malty caramel finish. It won’t fool an experienced beer drinker, but most casual drinkers would think it’s the real deal. It’s easily the best non-alcoholic beer I’ve ever had. Not sure how much that’s worth, but that’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 12, 2018 · 9:38 pm

O’Douls

I’ve been drinking a lot lately and my girlfriend was kind enough to point it out, so I told her I would put down the bottle for a few days. Yesterday was the first day of my temporary sobriety. All I could think about was how nice it would be to go to the bar and watch the baseball game after work, but then I remembered I wasn’t drinking. But then I remembered that non-alcoholic beer is a thing. So I went to the bar and ordered an O’Doul’s with a chilled glass.

The bartender came back with an O’Doul’s Amber. I didn’t even know they had an amber, I’ve only seen the one in the green bottles. I poured the beer into my glass and admired its reddish hue and slightly hoppy aroma. It looked like beer. I took a sip. It tasted like an amber, a little rich and sweet with a slight hoppy finish. It had good mouthfeel. I sat there watching the game and making small talk with the other barflies and it felt like any other day at the bar. I just wasn’t getting drunk.

I had one more O’Doul’s Amber before I left the bar. The evening was still young so I got a six pack of the original O’Doul’s on the way home. The regular O’Doul’s is more like a lager. It’s mild with a slightly dry finish. I normally drink IPAs so it tastes very bland to me, but I still felt like I was drinking beer.

O’Doul’s is not fully free from alcohol. It’s less than .5% alcohol by volume. Kombucha is anywhere from .5% to 2% for comparison. They brew O’Doul’s like a regular beer and then they distill the alcohol out without heating or cooking the beer. That helps to retain the flavor profile. It’s not perfect. It’s like eating meatless chicken. It’s almost like the real deal but something is missing. It’s still a good way to wean yourself off alcohol. I say that as I’m currently enjoying my second six pack in two days. It definitely helps keep me distracted from real beer and my typical morning hangover.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 17, 2017 · 5:43 pm

You Need a Valid ID to Drink

I’m a bartender at a corporate chain restaurant and we are required to check IDs when customers order alcoholic beverages. It’s not personal. It’s part of my job description. If you order a drink with me, I have to ask for your ID, and I can’t serve you if you don’t have a valid ID. It doesn’t matter if you’re twenty-one or eighty-one. You need a valid ID to drink. It’s the law, bro.

The other day I was at work and an elderly British couple came up and ordered a drink. I asked for their IDs. The husband had his ID, the wife did not. I told them I couldn’t serve her. The husband said I was being ridiculous, that she was sixty-three, she’s clearly of age. I said I was sorry, it wasn’t my policy, that I would serve her if I could, but she needs a valid ID to drink. At this point they became irate and started to raise their voices. They asked if I carded everyone else. I told them I did and my other customers confirmed it and backed me up. Their voices got louder and I started to enjoy watching them make asses of themselves. I showed them the piece of paper that my manager gave to every single employee that says we are required to check IDs when someone orders alcohol. I showed them the email he sent to every single employee about checking IDs. They still argued and got louder and louder while I fake-smiled more and more until they stormed off to find another bar to go to.

They found my manager on the way out and complained about me. He came up to me and thanked me for doing my job. My other customers tipped fat and offered me verbal consolations for enduring their rant with a smile. Everyone had my back. It’s not my fault that a grown ass adult didn’t have a valid ID. They should know better. They were a miserable couple anyway. I’m glad I inconvenienced them. I hope I ruined their vacation. A small victory still makes me a winner.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 21, 2017 · 8:46 pm

Smartwater

Glacéau Smartwater is a brand of enhanced bottled water. It’s enhanced because it’s distilled water with added electrolytes, calcium, magnesium, and potassium. It’s water with benefits. That makes it healthier by definition. You might recognize Glacéau as the same brand that makes VitaminWater. That’s water with added vitamins and sugar. They pretend like it’s healthy for you but it’s like mixing water with Pixy Stix. It’s candy water. Glacéau is owned by the Coca-Cola Company so I don’t trust Smartwater as being a better alternative to actual H2O. I don’t want to be duped. And I always feel like a dumbass when I buy Smartwater.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 26, 2017 · 2:46 pm

Budweiser

Budweiser is a beer. It’s the only beer for a lot of people. Brand loyalty goes a long way and I know a lot of people that prefer Budweiser over water. My feelings on Budweiser are mixed. It’s too popular, it’s too bland, and it’s too pretentious. They call themselves the king of beers. They’ve even temporarily relabeled themselves as America instead of Budweiser as part of some bizarre marketing ploy. They proudly admit to being made partially from rice. Rice is nice but most beer lovers prefer hops and barley.

Budweiser is drinkable though. I have to give them that. It has a consistently crisp and refreshing taste. It doesn’t really get skunky. It’s my preferred tall boy for beach days because it’s cheap, it’s not too heavy, and it comes in twenty-five ounce cans. Most tall boys are twenty-four ounces. That extra ounce means you’re getting more bang for your buck.

I prefer to drink craft beer when I’m at a bar or at home. I like IPAs and sours and the occasional stout if the weather is cold. Whenever I buy a six pack of something nice I’ll still pick up a tall boy of Budweiser as well. I drink the good beer until I’m nice and toasty and then I’ll switch over to Bud when I’m drunk. That way I won’t waste my good beer when I’m too fucked up to enjoy it. That’s not alcoholism, that’s using my noodle. Budweiser is not the best beer. I wouldn’t even call it a good beer. But it’s beer and that’s enough reason for me to drink it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 19, 2017 · 4:08 pm

Basil Hayden’s 

Basil Hayden’s is a Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey. It’s closely related to Jim Beam, but it’s a classier drink to order. It has more rye than most whiskeys and has a spicier finish. Once upon a time it was aged for eight years but it has since been rebranded as “artfully aged” so I’m sure they are skimping somewhere on the production line. It’s 80 proof which gives it a 40% alcohol by volume content, pretty standard for a bottle of bourbon. 

Basil Hayden’s is a lesser known bourbon despite some mainstream support. If you’re at a bar that carries it, you should take advantage and order a shot. I only became aware of it in the last few weeks because it was the whiskey of choice for my friend Josh. He’s no longer with us, but I’ve since tried it and must admit that he had good taste. I’m going to sip it, enjoy it, and remember a great person that was taken too soon. Try Basil Hayden’s. Do it for Josh. And don’t tell me if you hate it because I don’t want to hear it. 

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 13, 2017 · 8:37 pm

Ordering “Beer” at a Bar

I bartend at a tourist trap in San Francisco. That means I deal with a lot of people that don’t know how to order drinks. At least twice a shift I will ask a customer what they want to drink, and they will respond with “Beer.” I just shake my head and explain to them that this isn’t Hollywood. This isn’t a movie. You don’t just say “Beer” and get a beer. Do you want bottle or draft? Do you want something imported, domestic, or a local craft brew? Do you want a lager, an ale, a stout, a porter, a wheat beer or an IPA? You have to be more specific. If you want a Budweiser, then order a fucking Budweiser. I don’t have time to hold your hand and walk you through the menu. I’m too busy helping people who actually know what they want to drink. The next motherfucker who asks me for a beer is getting a glass of O’Doul’s and the middle finger. You wanted a beer, you got one. Now fuck off. 

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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