Monthly Archives: October 2012
October 31, 2012 · 8:19 am
I’ve been in the service industry for a few years now and I would always joke about someone ordering a diet soda with grenadine. It was never serious, it was just a hypothetical situation in which a fictional moron would order a sugar-free soda and add cherry flavored sugar to it. It’s the kind of thing that George Carlin would make a punchline out of, like getting a veggie burger with bacon on it. It’s why you don’t pour Red Bull in a decaf coffee.
And then one day a guy ordered a Diet Coke with grenadine. He was serious. My first instinct was to talk him out of it. But he insisted. If I have to contribute to somebody’s diabetes for a 20% tip then so be it. He even had refills. That was the day I lost all faith in humanity and he didn’t see anything wrong with it. No wonder people hate Americans.
Critically Rated at 1/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 31, 2012 · 8:16 am
You have the day off and plan on taking advantage of it. Until your phone rings. It’s your coworker and she wants to know if you’ll pick up her shift today. You politely say no, but she senses weakness and keeps on pressing you. She starts begging and whining and bullshitting why she needs you to work for her. She starts offering incentives like picking up any shift that you don’t want. You know she won’t ever actually return the favor, but at this point you just agree to work for her so she’ll shut up. So she ends up with the day off and you end up at work. How did that happen? I guess it’s better to make money but I prefer being lazy.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 30, 2012 · 9:46 am
A lot of people agree that 12:34 is the best time of the day. Perhaps I should be more specific. 12:34 is the best time of day on a digital clock. It’s not that impressive on analog. And it happens twice a day unless you’re European or in the military. Some people make a wish at 12:34. It won’t come true, but they will still make a wish every time they see it. How quaint.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 30, 2012 · 9:43 am
I’m a glutton for punishment so I sometimes stare at the sun. Not for too long. Just long enough to get spots in my eyes. I like to blink them away. It makes me feel alive. If I can stare at the sun, I can do anything. It’s empowering. It’s motivating. It’s starting to burn my retinas. Maybe it’s not a good idea to stare directly at the sun. I remember being 9 or 10 years old and watching a hawk with binoculars. That fucker flew in front of the sun. That shit still hurts. I think he did it intentionally.
Critically Rated at 10/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 29, 2012 · 8:54 am
If Dr. Scholl is a real person, he probably has a foot fetish. Dr. Scholl’s makes a few different products for your feet, but now they are known for their Massaging Gel Insoles. You are missing out if you haven’t started gellin’ yet. You just stick the insoles into your shoe and if feels like you’re stepping on a cloud all day long. You’re on your feet all day anyway; you might as well be comfortable. I’m gellin’ as I write this and my feet feel fantastic.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 29, 2012 · 8:51 am
Gatorade has conquered the sports drink market and the only thing left for them to do is experiment with new flavors. Like Lime Cucumber. I saw this the other day and had to try it. It tastes like a watered down Lemon-Lime Gatorade with cucumbers in it and when you swallow you get a subtle citrus sensation. It’s refreshing but weird. It doesn’t fit in with Gatorade’s other products. And I can’t imagine chugging one. I’m adventurous and like trying new things but I think I’ll lay off the Lime Cucumber flavored sports drinks for a while.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 28, 2012 · 10:36 am
Some people rely on the Internet to make a living. I use it to kill time. So I get fucking frustrated when my sites aren’t loading fast enough. I love the Internet. I’ve paid my dues. I lived with 56k and dial-up modems and downloading a song for twenty minutes and yelling at my mom for picking up the phone and kicking me offline. Now everything is wireless and everything is 3G or 4G. It’s 2012. It’s the Future. Most sites load instantly most of the time, but every once in a while my router will pretend like it’s 1997 and run slower than a fat kid at recess. My iPhone fails me occasionally too. No bars means no reception which means I’m disconnected from the world. It’s 2012. Waiting thirty seconds for anything is unacceptable and Google needs to hurry up. Fucking load already.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 28, 2012 · 10:33 am
PF Flyers are guaranteed to make you run faster and jump higher. PF Flyers are the ideal shoe for when a giant dog is chasing after you. Just ask Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez. If you don’t know about PF Flyers, then you probably don’t know about The Sandlot. Either way, you failed at life. PF Flyers look kind of like Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but Chuck Taylors are played out. Chuck Taylors are like chickenpox: everyone has them at one point. PF Flyers are like smallpox: they are less common and more badass. One of the biggest contributions that I have made to society is adding the PF Flyers page to Wikipedia. They used to not have one, so I made one. Nothing remains of my original article but I still made the Internet better. That’s worth something. Right?
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 27, 2012 · 9:09 am
If you like walking and nature then you might be interested in hiking. Hiking is glorified walking. It’s off-road, it’s extreme, it’s still just walking. But instead of walking on concrete you’re walking on a path or trail and every now and then you stop to look at trees. You might even take a picture of those trees to post on Facebook to prove to everyone else that you went hiking and that they are lazy and you aren’t. Not only is it great exercise, it’s also the only way to eat trail mix without being a hypocrite.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 27, 2012 · 9:07 am
You get out of the shower or the pool and it’s time to dry off. You reach for a towel and are dismayed when you find it’s still slightly wet. Fuck. A damp towel is damn near useless. You use towels to dry off. You associate them with feeling warm, dry, and comfortable. A damp towel might still absorb some moisture but it’s not going to cut it. And it feels weird on your skin, like your cousin putting a hand on your knee. It’s just not right.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 26, 2012 · 10:18 am
The baseball season is long. 162 games from April to September and it’s even longer with the preseason and postseason. So if you suddenly declare your passion for the Giants in the middle of October, most people will assume you are full of shit. Because you are. Fans are supposed to be loyal to a team. Look at Cubs fans. They follow a team that has been cursed to lose forever. It doesn’t matter if your team is good or bad. They are your team. You cherish the wins and great plays and you grumble about losses and stupid errors. You enjoy the cast of characters that take the field; you hear their stories and feel like you know them. They are your team, they represent you, and you represent them.
It’s exciting to get to the postseason. Teams compete to win and getting to the postseason is a huge accomplishment. But then the bandwagon fans see the excitement and try to get in on the fun. Bandwagon fans are parasites that smell the glory of a World Series and latch on to loyal fans. They rely on camouflage to blend in. It might be hard to distinguish a loyal fan from a bandwagon fan at a glance. Both will be wearing team colors and cheering loudly. But the bandwagon fan has a brand new hat and the receipt for it in his pocket. The real fan’s hat is slightly faded from the many seasons that he’s worn it. A real fan starts cheering when something good happens. A bandwagon fan starts cheering when everyone else starts cheering, usually with a slight delay and without knowing why.
Critically Rated at 3/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
Filed under Random Rants
Tagged as bandwagon, bandwagon fan, bandwagon fans, baseball season, brand new hat, fan, fans, loyal fan, postseason teams, real fan, sports, team, team colors, teams, world series
October 26, 2012 · 10:09 am
If you’re a Simpsons fan with an iPhone or iPad, do yourself a favor and download The Simpsons: Tapped Out game. It’s kind of like Mafia Wars but with Simpsons characters. You start with Homer and Lisa and gradually start adding more characters and start building up Springfield. There are missions with storylines and dialog so you’re not just clicking and tapping mindlessly. There is a little bit of a plot. It’s a social game too. You can visit your friend’s Springfield and steal his money and vandalize his buildings. The only problem with the game is that it’s very addictive. You will sit by an outlet with your iProduct plugged in so you can keep playing. It’s a great way to kill time. And it’s free too. Free is always good.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
Filed under Entertainment
Tagged as addicting, characters, game, gaming, ipad, iphone, iproduct, mafia wars, simpsons characters, simpsons fan, social game, springfield, tapped out, the simpsons, the simpsons: tapped out
October 25, 2012 · 10:28 am
Chevys is a popular chain restaurant that serves Tex-Mex food. Well, it’s not that popular anymore. They seem to be closing locations down left and right. Either way, Chevys was known primarily for its margaritas, freshly made tortillas, and birthday sombrero hats. If you grew up in the suburbs you were required to go to a Chevys for a birthday party at some point in your life. You might have fond memories of Chevys but if you go into one now you’ll see how depressing they’ve become. Maybe that’s why they’re closing left and right.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 25, 2012 · 10:24 am
It is raining cats and dogs outside but you’re as snug as a bug in bed. Lying in bed while it’s raining outside is one of the great simple pleasures in life. You’re warm and relaxed and enjoying the soothing pitter-patter as the raindrops splash down. You know that the world outside your window is getting drenched while you remain completely dry and completely comfortable. Life is good on those wet mornings when you have no reason to get out of bed.
Critically Rated at 16/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 24, 2012 · 9:48 am
Few things make you look like a hobo more than having your big toe sticking out of a hole in your sock. Rocking a hole in your sock makes you seem like you’ve given up all hope on life. It makes it seem like you don’t give a fuck about anything anymore. It’s a fucking sock with a fucking hole. Throw that shit away. You should have a whole drawer full of adequate replacements. Even if you don’t, you can get a six-pack of socks for less than a six-pack of beer (it depends on the quality of the socks and beer). I know you have some sentimental attachment to your precious sock, that you feel you earned that hole, but you gotta know when to let things go.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 24, 2012 · 9:45 am
Cool, you are going to San Francisco. It’s an awesome city, one of the best in the world. You will have a great time. Just don’t say “Frisco.” You will look like a tourist. You shouldn’t even say “San Fran.” It’s San Francisco. If that’s too much of a mouthful, “The City” is an adequate nickname. Other cities claim to be called “The City,” but they are lying and we hate liars. If you look up “The City” on Wikipedia (the most reliable website on the planet) the only other city with that nickname is the City of London. There’s your fun Wiki fact for the day. Use it wisely to win a bar bet. And don’t say “Frisco.”
Critically Rated at 7/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
October 23, 2012 · 9:29 am
You drank a little bit too much water earlier and your bladder is demanding your attention, so you run down the hall to the bathroom but the door is locked. Now you have wait and as you’re doing your don’t-pee dance you start to realize that whoever is in the bathroom has been in there too long for it to be number one. You know you’re fucked when the door finally opens and the culprit shuffles out and makes eye contact with a sheepish grin. As soon as you go in, the stench wraps around you like a moldy blanket. You try to hold your breath and using your shirt as a filter, but nothing helps. Damn it, why are bathrooms so small? I know that people take shits in bathrooms, that’s why we have them. Using the bathroom after someone takes a shit is like farting in a bag and holding it over your head. You just can’t escape the stink.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
criticallyrated 