Monthly Archives: May 2014

May 31, 2014 · 10:04 am

The Spider In My Sheets

A few years ago I woke up with a bug bite on the side of my neck. I didn’t think much of it until I woke up the next morning with another new bug bite on my cheek. That’s when I knew something was wrong. It didn’t take me long to find out what was attacking me. I pulled back my comforter and discovered a fat brown spider had taken up residence in between my top sheet and the comforter. That little fucker was feasting on my flesh while I slept. Most of the time I capture any stray spiders or insects with a cup and throw them out the window. I didn’t do that this time. I got a piece of tissue, picked that bastard up, and squished him. I had to kill him. He deserved it. I don’t feel any remorse, that fucker brought it on himself. I still check between the sheets before going to bed to this day. I’m not scared, just a little wary. You would be too if you ever had a spider in your bed.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 31, 2014 · 10:03 am

Facebook Name Changers

It seems like every couple of weeks one of my friends on Facebook changes their name for some reason or other. Those Facebook name changers make my newsfeed a lot more interesting. I’ll check my FB when I wake up and see a name that I don’t recognize. It makes me wonder if I was drunkenly adding people the night before. Then I click on their link and realize that it’s an old friend trying to mix things up. I don’t get it. If Facebook is getting boring, then change your profile picture. You don’t need to change your name. That’s just going to confuse everybody. Nobody wants to be confused. They want to be in control. But you can’t control Facebook name changers. You can only bitch about them and wonder why they did this to you. Or you can blog about it. That’s what I did. Or you can read a blog about it. That’s what you did.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 30, 2014 · 11:59 am

The Mighty Ducks

The Mighty Ducks is a 1992 family/sports film about a ragtag PeeWee hockey team. It’s fairly formulaic. A reluctant coach takes over a team of losers, he teaches them how to play the game, they teach him about life, the team starts to bond and win games, leading up to the championship game against their rival team, where they inevitably win it in the most dramatic way possible. But The Mighty Ducks manages to rise about the formula with great characters and memorable quotes. It was popular enough to create the foundation for a trilogy of films, a real-life NHL team (owned by Disney, obviously) and a terrible cartoon that nobody remembers.

I caught The Mighty Ducks playing on TV the other night and it would have been a sin to change the channel, so I ended up watching the whole thing. It still holds up. It’s darker than I remembered. I’m not talking Batman Begins-dark; I just mean that it’s dark for a family film. Gordon Bombay is an asshole alcoholic in the beginning of the film. The kids have vicious insults that are still effective to use in an argument today. It’s not a great movie, but it’s not trying to be great and that’s how it succeeds. It’s simply enjoyable.

I like how Gordon slowly morphs into Coach Bombay. I like the core group of kids on the team: Charlie, Averman, and Goldberg. I like the scenes where they recruit Fulton, Adam Banks, and Timmy and Tammy (the two figure skating siblings that weren’t in the sequels). I like the hockey scenes. I like the juvenile humor and youthful shenanigans. I like the flashback scenes that show how much hockey meant to Gordon as a kid. I know that I like the movie because I still hate the Hawks.

The Mighty Ducks was successful at the box office and that lead to a slew of family-friendly sports comedies being produced. Little Giants, The Big Green, and several other films only exist because of The Mighty Ducks. Even The Sandlot came out after it. The Sandlot is a better movie, but the Ducks came first. You can’t deny its impact. Watch this movie. Quack, quack, quack.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 30, 2014 · 11:57 am

“Hurt” Performed by Johnny Cash

Johnny Cash is a music and cultural icon, and one of his best songs came in the twilight of his career when he covered Trent Reznor’s “Hurt”. Trent Reznor wrote the song and recorded it with Nine Inch Nails in 1994, but Johnny Cash made it his own when he released his version in 2002. The accompanying 2003 music video can only be described as haunting. It’s a juxtaposition of an old and frail Cash mixed with clips of him in his prime. It shows how the passage of time affects us all, even legends like Johnny Cash. He was seventy-one years old when they made it and MTV still played it in heavy rotation. MTV’s target audience is teenagers and twenty-somethings, so that just shows how amazing the video is. It’s powerful. It’s universal. It’s impossible not to like it, even if you’re not a fan of country music or old people.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 29, 2014 · 1:32 pm

Full House (TV show)

My childhood wouldn’t have been complete without a little show called Full House. I was 2 ½ years old when it premiered and 10 when it went off the air. I literally grew up watching it. It was one of the few shows that my whole family could sit down and watch together. Full House was an ABC sitcom about a father trying to raise his three daughters after his wife’s sudden passing. He decides that the best way to replace her is to invite his brother-in-law and his best friend to move in with him and help raise them. And thus we have the premise for a show for a 192 episodes over 8 seasons. Of course the cast was expanded. They got the obligatory family dog. The brother-in-law got a girlfriend, the girlfriend became his wife, they had two kids, and they moved into the attic instead of moving out. That’s not lazy writing, that’s an accurate depiction of how housing works in San Francisco.

Full House introduced us to Bob Saget, John Stamos, and the guy that pissed off Alanis Morissette. Full House is also as close we are going to get to a real life version of The Truman Show because we actually saw Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen grow up on camera. The show itself is super cheesy, almost Brady Bunch-like, and there’s no way that it would be a success if it premiered today. Yet I still find myself watching reruns whenever I stumble upon them while channel surfing. I’m pretty sure that I’ve seen every single episode, willingly or not. It’s not a great show, but I will always enjoy it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 29, 2014 · 1:29 pm

Mr. G and Jellybean (YouTube video)

The world is a pretty terrible place, but every once in a while you witness something amazing that tugs at your heartstrings. The friendship of Mr. G and Jellybean is one such example. It all started with a bunch of animals getting rescued from a hoarder. The various animals were all split up and sent to different sanctuaries. One sanctuary took in a goat named Mr. G and Mr. G refused to eat or go outside for several days. Nobody was sure why. Gradually the rescuers realized the problem. Mr. G was depressed because he missed his old pal Jellybean (who just so happens to be a donkey). The rescuers did the only thing that they could do… they found Jellybean and brought him to live on their sanctuary, reuniting the two friends and saving Mr. G’s life. I included the YouTube video below. You should check it out if you like donkeys, goats, or happy endings. It’s only three minutes long and is guaranteed to brighten up your day. It’s a reminder that friendships are one of the most important things in life. I hope everybody has a Jellybean of their own.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 28, 2014 · 9:03 am

Walking Into a Glass Door

Want to be the life of the party? All you have to do is walk into a clear glass door in front of everybody. Everyone will laugh and cheer and point at you. It will be all they talk about the next day. It will be the only thing they remember about that party twenty years from now. Nobody will let you live it down. You’ll be that guy who walked into a clear glass door for the rest of your life. Walking into a clear glass door is a great way to achieve immortality. Your head might hurt for a minute, but your legacy will never die. Oh well, it’s better to be remembered for something stupid than to be forgotten by everybody. Own up to it and embrace it.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 28, 2014 · 9:02 am

Naming a Pet

Naming a pet is an art form. Sometimes you can have a name already in your head, and you’re lucky that it fits when you finally pick up your new puppy. But the best way to name a pet is to have it for a few days before selecting a name that matches its personality. A few years ago my family got a new dog. He was an overly friendly and playful Black Lab/Bernese Mountain Dog mix. We spent four days watching him sleep, eat, and play. One of us would come up with a name and we would test it out, but nothing was clicking. We went through hundreds, maybe thousands of names that we all systematically rejected before I glanced over at our DVD collection, saw Star Wars, and suggested Chewbacca. My sisters screamed back, “CHEWY!” and the dog got its name. It probably helped that he was munching on a shoe at the time. He earned his name. He deserved his name. And he lived up to his name. Not all pets are so lucky. I have a friend who adopted a chubby Chihuahua named Meatball and she renamed him Cooper. That poor pup now has the most ill-fitting name of all time. If that’s not animal abuse, I don’t know what is.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 27, 2014 · 10:56 am

Bonfire

It’s not officially summer yet, but I went to a bonfire the other day so it might as well be. Bonfires are one of my favorite things in the world. I love sitting around a fire talking and laughing with good friends, a cold beer in my hand and a joint in my mouth, watching the flames crackle and the wood burn for hours and hours. It’s better than any TV show or movie ever could be. Time slows down, conversations are more real, and the only responsibility you have is throwing the occasional log on the fire to keep it going. It’s impossible not to be content. I’ve never experienced a bad bonfire. Bonfires stay with you. They linger. Literally. The smoke clings to your clothes and they smell like a campfire until you wash them. I went to grab a slice of pizza after I left the bonfire the other day and everyone in the shop knew that I went to a bonfire. And they were jealous. And hopefully they were inspired to have a bonfire of their own. It’s subliminal advertising at its finest.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 27, 2014 · 10:55 am

Sunscreen Protection Day

May 27th is Sunscreen Protection Day, a holiday that reminds you that the sun is actively trying to kill you with cancer rays. Not only does sunscreen block danger ultraviolet rays, it helps to keep your skin from aging. Nobody wants sunspots and wrinkles. Sunscreen was invented by a guy named Franz Greiter in 1946. Before that, people simply didn’t go outside. The invention of sunscreen that allowed people to leave their caves for the first time. Sunscreen is directly responsible for agriculture and the Industrial Revolution. These are the important facts that they didn’t even try to teach you in school. Make sure you celebrate Sunscreen Protection Day by rocking some SPF. Anything above 15 should suffice.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 26, 2014 · 10:04 am

The Wave

The wave is a celebratory gesture typically performed by spectators at a sporting event. A group of people stand up, raise their arms, yell and scream, then sit back down as the people next to them rise up and do the same, the people next to them do it too, and so on and so forth. The end result looks like a rolling wave as the spectators rise and fall as the movement goes around the stadium. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been a part of a wave. I’m ashamed to admit that I thought it was fun. But now a few years have passed and I realize how amateur it really was. Real fans don’t do the wave. They are too involved with actually watching the game (and heckling, but that’s a different story). I was at an SF Giants game the other night and there were a couple of girls sitting behind me trying to start the wave. I turned around and told them to save it for Dodger Stadium. Suffice to say, they sat down and shut up and I saved the night for everybody. I restored the reputation of Giants fans everywhere. I consider myself a hero. The wave looks enticing, but be weary. It’s best to stay in your seat and scold the contributors. Be a real fan. Respect your team. Don’t do the wave.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 26, 2014 · 10:02 am

Telescoping Your Beer

You’re chilling at a barbeque, sipping on a beer, and you notice that the bottle feels a little bit light. That’s when you have to telescope it. Telescoping your beer is when you pick up a beer bottle, tilt it, and look down the neck to see how much precious booze you have left. It looks like you’re looking into a telescope, when all you’re really trying to do is figure out if you have to get another beer or not. Here’s a tip for you: if you’re wondering if you need to get another beer, you probably do. Or maybe you should just quit drinking. But it’s easier to get another beer.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 25, 2014 · 2:17 pm

Hollywood Classroom Cliché

Have you ever noticed the Hollywood classroom cliché? The bell rings, the students enter the classroom, sit in their seats, the teacher comes in a second later, writes something on the board and starts their lecture (which is always relevant to the plot), one or two students make comments, the bell rings, and the teacher shouts out the homework assignment as the students scramble out the door. The class only lasted five minutes, and nobody seemed to notice or care. What kind of school are these kids going to? And how do I enroll? I would love to go to a school where the lesson is always important, classes are only a few minutes long, and the teacher knows all the students by name.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 25, 2014 · 2:16 pm

Bai 5 Brasilia Blueberry

Bai5 Brasilia Blueberry is a 100% natural superfruit infused, antioxidant packed beverage that is naturally sweetened and low in calories. It’s also naturally caffeinated because the superfruit that they use is coffeefruit. It doesn’t taste like coffee. It tastes like watered down blueberry juice. It tastes great and is quite refreshing. It’s a good way to start the day and it makes your hangover slightly more bearable. I would get it again, and I look forward to trying the other flavors in the Bai 5 lineup.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 24, 2014 · 8:36 am

Pacific Rim (film)

Pacific Rim is a 2013 sci-fi monster flick directed by Guillermo del Toro. It’s about a bunch of gigantic alien monsters called Kaijus attacking Earth. Earth’s only chance for survival is to build a bunch of giant robots called Jaegers to fight the Kaijus. Each Jaeger is piloted by two soldiers because reasons. Charlie Hunnam stars at Raleigh Becket, a former Jaeger pilot who comes out of retirement to fight more Kaijus. Idris Elba plays Stacker Pentecost, a former Jaeger pilot who now runs the program. The other main character is a hot Japanese chick named Mako Mori (played by Rinko Kikuchi) who can’t speak much English, but she sure is fun to look at. Her family was killed in a Kaiju attack, and she was rescued by Pentecost when he was still a Jaeger pilot. Raleigh and Mako team up to pilot a Jaeger against the wishes of Pentecost, but they are drift compatible so he has no choice but to let them work together.

I only mentioned the plot because there actually is one. It’s not just a bunch of chaotic fight scenes involving giant robots battling giant monsters and toppling buildings. It’s not Transformers. It’s what you wanted Transformers to be. The fight scenes are epic and awesome. You really get a sense of scale and you feel like there is something at stake. Guillermo del Toro knows how to frame shots so you actually know what is going on and you can follow the action. My biggest beef with the film is that the climax takes place in the ocean instead of in a city. I wanted to see more buildings toppling and citizens screaming and running for their lives. But the ending is still awesome. It’s one of the best monster movies of all time. It’s not a great film, it’s a great blockbuster.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 24, 2014 · 8:34 am

Sidral Mundet (soda)

Sidral Mundet is an apple-flavored soda from Mexico. It looks like cream soda and that what first caught my eye when I saw it at the store. I only noticed that it was artificially flavored apple soda when I picked it up for a closer look. I’ve had green apple-flavored soda before, but never apple-flavored so I had to buy it and try it. It smells like apple juice and it tastes like apple juice with carbonation. It’s reminiscent of non-alcoholic apple cider, but it tastes more crisp and clean. It’s good. I like it. Sidral Mundet is my new favorite apple soda. It could be yours too.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 23, 2014 · 9:59 am

Morning People

Some people wake up feeling happy, refreshed, energized, and ready to start the day. They are called morning people, and I hate them. Their cheery demeanor pisses me off because I need two cups of coffee before I start to function. Morning people spring out of bed ready to seize the day. Morning people are always annoying, but they reach their peak annoyance levels on Mondays. Something about chipper morning people at the start of the week gets under your skin, filling your heart with hate and your head with rage. The only way to avoid morning people is to sleep in past noon. If you never experience mornings, you never have to deal with morning people.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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