Category Archives: People I Feel Sorry For

If you are in here, don’t feel too bad. I pity a lot of people.

November 17, 2019 · 5:12 pm

Ben Foster’s Head

Ben Foster is an actor. He’s pretty successful at it. He’s had a pretty good career. But he has a weird shaped head. His head kind of flares out at the temples. They stick out almost as much as his ears. A head is not supposed to look like that. He needs to file down his skull a little bit but I don’t think you can do that. He’s doomed to have an unusually shaped head for the rest of his life. We need to acknowledge that Ben Foster has a weird shaped head. The world needs to know.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 13, 2018 · 4:41 pm

Roy Sullivan

Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a guy named Roy Sullivan. Roy Sullivan loved nature. He was a park ranger. Nature didn’t love him back. Nature had a habit of throwing lightening bolts at him. Between 1942 and 1977 Sullivan was struck by lightning seven fucking times.

Sullivan was never much of a superstitious man until 1972 when he got struck for the fourth time. Then he started to get paranoid that nature had a vendetta against him and started carrying water with him in case his hair caught on fire after a lightning strike. He got to use that emergency water three more times. Right after his seventh and final strike he was attacked by a bear. Lucky guy.

Nature finally won its battle against Sullivan on September 28, 1983 when he died of a self-inflicted gun shot wound to the head. I know that suicide isn’t funny, but that deserves a bit of a chuckle.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 16, 2017 · 5:29 pm

Broken Escalator

I was going into the subway the other day when I saw a woman approaching the escalator. It wasn’t moving. She saw that it wasn’t working and  then she went out of her way to take the stairs instead. I couldn’t help but laugh at her. She recognized that the escalator was broken but opted to take the stairs, completely unaware that broken escalators are stairs. I don’t get it. Broken escalators look exactly like stairs. Yet I could see her entire thought process unfold in front of me: Damn, the escalator is out of commission. Better take the stairs! That’s the only way out of this mess. I know that I’m an asshole because it doesn’t matter what she’s accomplished in her life, she will always be a failure to me. 

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 3, 2016 · 2:21 pm

The Pretzel Incident 

I went to a San Francisco Giants game last summer with a bunch of friends and the girl I was seeing at the time. We all bought tickets in different sections so we decided to move to the bleachers so we could all sit together. We sat in front of a spot that was empty except for an abandoned half-eaten pretzel and a pile of discarded peanut shells. I was sitting there watching the game, talking and laughing and enjoying being alive, and I turned to my girl to give her a kiss. But I couldn’t because she was eating a pretzel. I thought that was odd because we didn’t go on a food run yet. I asked her where she got the pretzel. She pointed to the spot behind me where the pile of discarded peanut shells was. The abandoned half-eaten pretzel was no longer there. It was in her hand. And her mouth. And I couldn’t even look her in the eye. It was horrible. It still is. And it’s come to be known as the Pretzel Incident. I pray you never experience it for yourself.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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August 25, 2016 · 5:34 pm

Front Row Seat to a DUI

I’ve never been arrested for driving under the influence but one time I had a front row seat to a DUI. I was with my friend at a work party and we both got a little tipsy. We left the party early to go watch the second season premiere of True Blood. About halfway  back to my house, my friend noticed a cop in his rear view window. He started to freak out a bit, telling me that he knew he was being followed and that he was going to be pulled over. I told him to relax and focus on the road. Then the cop put his lights on and pulled us over. So much for consoling him.

The officer gave my friend a breathalyzer and within minutes he was in the back of the cop car. Then the cop asked if I was ok to drive my friend’s car home. I said no because I know entrapment when I see it. He told me to call a cab or take a bus home even though I had a perfectly functioning skateboard with me. I asked my friend if he needed anything, like for me to call his roommates or a pack of cigarettes for bartering in jail. He told me he was ok and I reluctantly left him in the clutches of the police. 

I went home and watched True Blood, but I couldn’t enjoy it. It wasn’t because I felt guilty that my friend was in the drunk tank. It was because that second season of True Blood was terrible. DUIs suck. I’m glad that I’ve only witnessed them and never experienced one for myself. Don’t drink and drive. You could kill yourself or an innocent bystander and it’s hard to watch HBO shows when you’re behind bars. 

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 17, 2016 · 12:37 pm

Pokemon Go

My thoughts on Pokemon Go: DON’T FUCKING DO IT. 
Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 15, 2015 · 12:40 pm

Chasing Tyson

Chasing Tyson is an ESPN 30 for 30 documentary about Evander Holyfield’s quest for glory and respect, and more importantly, to escape being stuck in Mike Tyson’s shadow. Holyfield was one of the greatest boxers of all time. He clawed his way up the boxing ranks and gradually became the only four-time heavyweight champion of the world, but he’s still best remembered for being the guy that Mike Tyson bit.

The documentary follows the two boxers as their careers unfold. Mike Tyson was a superstar, knocking people out quickly and brutally. He was crazy and dangerous and the media loved him for it. He transcended boxing. Evander Holyfield was the exact opposite. He was quiet, calm, and unassuming. He didn’t have explosive knockout power, but he had heart and the skill necessary to beat Tyson yet nobody believed that he stood a chance against him.

Holyfield did everything he could to prove himself as worthy opponent to Tyson. He beat everyone that Tyson beat, and that still wasn’t enough. The only way to prove that he was better than Tyson was to beat Tyson. Their long awaited fight was delayed for years while Mike Tyson served time in prison, and the two fighters were well past their prime when they finally met in the ring.

Mike Tyson will always be one of the most remembered and discussed boxers in history. Holyfield will be remembered as well, but mostly because he was linked to Tyson. Holyfield worked longer, harder, and deserves more recognition and respect. He’s never going to get it. Life’s not fair. Just ask Evander Holyfield.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 24, 2015 · 5:20 pm

Washington Generals

The Washington Generals were an American basketball team with the longest losing streak in sports history. They lost 2,495 consecutive games. Don’t feel too bad for them though. It was by design. The Washington Generals were the stooge basketball team that competes against the Harlem Globetrotters in exhibition games. They were supposed to lose. They stood around and acted confused when the Globetrotters play their flashy brand of fake basketball. The Washington Generals have gone by many other names at different times to make it seems like the Globetrotters are playing more than one team, but it was the same players with different jerseys. I’m speaking in the past tense about them because the Globetrotters severed the contract between the two teams in August of 2015 and the Washington Generals no longer exist. I feel bad for them. Sure, their players got paid to play professional basketball, but they were always a sham team. Their only point of existence was to make the Globetrotters look better. The Globetrotters found a new fake opponent to pretend to compete against and the Generals are just a thing of the past now. The world didn’t even notice. Nobody cared. They still don’t.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 11, 2015 · 12:17 pm

I Didn’t Mean to Stare

I work in a popular restaurant in a big city. That means I see people, lots of people. And some people have certain features that make them stand out. I served a lady the other day who was very pretty, but she had a mole on the tip of her nose, right smack in the middle of her schnoz. It was quite obvious and very distracting. I couldn’t help noticing and I tried to take her order like normal, but I’m sure she knew that I noticed her nose mole. She probably gets second looks all the time. I felt bad. I didn’t mean to stare. Sometimes I can’t help it. Sorry, mole nose lady. You’re a better person than me.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 11, 2015 · 6:56 pm

$100 for 13 Bottles of Bud Light

I was hanging out with some friends at the bar the other night and last call snuck up on us. Suddenly the bar was closing and it was too late to run to the liquor store. My friend was desperate to keep the party going. How desperate? Well, she gave the bartender fifty bucks to take home thirteen bottles of Bud Light. And she tipped fifty bucks on top of that. Let that sink in. She spent $100 for 13 bottles of Bud Light. If that’s not a waste of money, I don’t know what is. You can get a 12-pack of Bud Light for less than fifteen bucks, or you can spend twenty bucks and get a 12-pack of good beer. She chose to waste a hundred bucks on thirteen shitty beers. To each their own, but that’s fucking ridiculous. I couldn’t even drink one. I was too busy shaking my head.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 29, 2015 · 4:40 pm

Kevin Spacey’s Baseball Skills

I finally caved in and started watching House of Cards on Netflix. It’s a great show with great actors, writers, and directors. Kevin Spacey has won Oscars for his movie roles, yet his portrayal of the scheming Francis “Frank” Underwood is perhaps his finest accomplishment. Frank is a complex character. You want Frank to succeed even though he sometimes plays dirty. It takes a tremendous amount of acting skill to make a manipulative character likeable. He makes Frank Underwood seem like a real political figure. But every once in a while you get reminded that he’s just acting, like the season 2 episode “Chapter 19.” That’s the episode where Frank is set to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Camden Yards. There’s a quick scene where he is practicing in his backyard and it becomes quite obvious that Kevin Spacey has never played Little League. He throws like a girl. His form is terrible, almost as if he’s throwing with the wrong arm. It’s embarrassing to watch. It’s distracting. Kevin Spacey’s abysmal baseball skills cause you to lose respect for Frank Underwood and that should never happen.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 27, 2015 · 6:23 pm

Twelve Girls, Twelve No’s

There was a kid in my class who once called up and asked out twelve girls on the same night. They all said no. It was seventh or eighth grade and there were only forty kids in my entire class. Obviously it was the hot topic of discussion for a whole week. Twelve girls, twelve no’s. We all talked about it, laughed about it, talked shit about him, and insulted him to his face. We let him know that we knew all about his failed love life. Pathetic. We called him pathetic. We thought it was. Now I know that it was anything but. Getting rejected sucks. It hurts when you ask someone out and they say no. It might take a while to get over it. He heard no after no after no. He could have licked his wounds, but he kept on going and trying. He kept getting rejected but he kept on asking. I don’t know how hard that must have been. It wasn’t pathetic. It was anything but. I wish that I knew that back then.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 12, 2015 · 12:54 pm

Radio DJ

I used to think that being a DJ for a radio station would be a great job. I would get to play cool music all day, I would have thousands of people listening to what I have to say, and I would run the occasional contest for free concert tickets. Then I grew up and so did technology. We listen to Pandora and Spotify, we can download and stream music instantly anywhere and anytime. People don’t need to listen to the radio anymore and we don’t want to. If I’m listening to music on the radio, it’s because I have no other option. I want to hear music, not what the DJ has to say about it. I know that “Uptown Funk” is a catchy song, I don’t need the DJ to tell me that (or play it five times an hour). Radio isn’t necessary anymore and so what chance does a radio DJ have? They should get the Of Mice and Men treatment. We should lead them into a field, tell them about the rabbits, and shoot them in the back of the head. It sounds harsh, but it’s the most humane way to get rid of them.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 5, 2015 · 8:13 pm

Crappy Kid Art

I’m at that precious age where about half my friends seem to be having kids. That means my Facebook feed is being constantly bombarded with pictures of kids and kid-related stuff posted by proud parents. And let me tell you, there are a lot of posts of crappy kid art. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t look like a dog at all. I wouldn’t have known that it was a dog if it wasn’t labeled as a dog. I’m not impressed. I could draw a dog way better than that. A friend of mine showed off a picture of her daughter’s rainbow. It wasn’t a rainbow at all. It wasn’t arched, it wasn’t layered, and the color scheme was all off. It was just a bunch of differently colored squiggly lines swirled together. A blind person with Parkinson’s disease could draw a better rainbow. Call me old fashioned, but I miss the old days when crappy kid art was confined to the refrigerator.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 21, 2015 · 12:56 pm

Someone with a Famous Name

I know George Romero. Correction, I know a George Romero. He didn’t direct all those zombie flicks, he just happens to be named George Romero. Everyone knows someone with a famous name. I’m sure you have a friend with the same moniker as a celebrity. You should take advantage of it. Try namedropping and you’ll see how much easier it is to get reservations at a restaurant or to get a table at the club. Feign ignorance if the managers or security gives you shit for it. I said “Zack Efron,” not “Zac Efron.” I can see how you’d be confused, but it’s not my fault my name got famous. It’s still your table even if you duped them into it. Don’t feel too bad.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 10, 2014 · 1:14 pm

Janet Jackson

Janet Jackson is an American singer/songwriter and actress. She’s had a successful career but she will always be most famous for being Michael Jackson’s sister. She’s had quite a few hits and a lot of success, but she will forever be overshadowed by the King of Pop. She’s sold over 140 million albums, he’s sold over 400 million. Michael died in 2009, her career died long before that. Sorry, but it’s true. The last time Janet Jackson was really worth talking about was the infamous wardrobe malfunction during Super Bowl XXXVIII. That was over ten years ago. I’ll admit that Janet had a successful career but she was way too dependent on her sexuality to sell records. It’s kind of creepy because she looks like Michael Jackson but with cleavage. Nobody ever wanted to see Michael Jackson with cleavage. That’s Nasty (see what I did there?).

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 1, 2014 · 2:20 pm

People Who Don’t Know How to Eat Buffalo Wings

Buffalo wings are delicious. They are spicy, they are messy, and they are sometimes all you can eat. And a surprising number of people don’t know how to eat them. They leave way too much meat on the bone, and that’s a waste of a wing. Luckily there are lots of YouTube videos and life hack instructions that teach you how to properly eat chicken wings. It’s all about deboning the wing by twisting and removing the bones, leaving a fully edible hunk of meat behind that you can simply pop into your mouth. It’s important to be efficient, you don’t want to waste food. There are starving kids in Africa, and eating all your food helps them somehow. I included a video of a hot Hooters girl teaching you how to debone buffalo wings. I hope it helps you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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