Tag Archives: sleep

Sleep Mask

My girlfriend and I have different schedules. She gets up earlier than me, usually an hour or more before I do. That means that she either has to do her makeup in the bathroom or turn on the light to do it in her room which wakes me up. We had to reach a compromise. So I went to Walgreens and bought a sleep mask. It only cost ten bucks and it’s already proven itself to be a worthy investment.

A sleep mask is self explanatory: it’s a mask you wear when you sleep. It covers your eyes and blocks out the light, allowing the wearer to sleep better. I have to admit that I kind of like it. It only took a few nights to get used to, but I wake up feeling more rested. It really helps to block out any light, and by extension the outside world. Yeah, it looks ridiculous but I don’t care if it helps me sleep better. A sleep mask at night is as good as coffee in the morning.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pillow

A pillow is a sealed cloth bag primarily used for supporting your head or neck while you’re sleeping or lounging about. They are often filled with soft stuff like foam or feathers for added comfort. They have other uses besides being a sleeping accessory. They can be decorative. A nice pillow can really hold the room together. You can use them to battle siblings or friends at a slumber party. You can use them to put hospital patients out of their misery. You could spend thirty dollars on a fleshlight or use your already accessible pillow. 

A pillow is one of those things that you never appreciate until you don’t have one. Anyone who has ever gone camping but forgot a pillow will agree with me. A folded sweatshirt is not an adequate substitute. A good pillow is vital to a good night’s sleep. 

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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People Who Always Sleep Through Their Alarms

I know a few people that can sleep through anything, including their alarm clocks in the morning. The alarm will go off and they won’t even notice. It will keep blasting and blaring until someone else snaps and wakes them up. I had quite a few roommates that were deaf to their alarms. I remember one who was downright terrible about it. His alarm would go off and would be going for ten minutes straight. It was super loud too. I was able to hear it through in my room down the hallway with the door closed. He would lie right next to it completely oblivious. I used to wake him up until I got sick of it after a few weeks. I started unplugging his alarm clock and let him sleep through and miss whatever event he set his alarm for. I wasn’t going to fall victim to his alarm clock every morning. What the fuck is the point of setting an alarm if you’re just going to ignore it? Why should others have to suffer? Especially that early in the morning before I’ve had my coffee. It’s not right. If you don’t deserve an alarm, please don’t set one. Hashtag, just sayin’.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bedtime

Bedtime is that magical time when you go to bed. It’s a designated time set by your parents when you are growing up, but you start to control your own bedtime as you get older. You brush your teeth, you change into your pajamas or strip down to your undies, and jump into bed. When you’re a kid your bedtime gets gradually gets later and later. You’ll have to go to bed at 8:00 pm, then 8:30, then 9:00, and so on. Soon you’re in high school and you can stay out until midnight on Saturday night if you’re lucky. Then you get to college and you can stay up as late as you want (and sometimes you do) but you mostly end up crashing by 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning so you can make it to class. Your bedtime is any time that you feel tired when you are in your twenties. You are immortal for a few years, immune to hangovers and sleep deprivation. And then something happens (LIFE) and you have to start enforcing an earlier bedtime on yourself so that you can function adequately in the morning. As you get older, your bedtime gets later. Then you get too old, and your bedtime gets earlier. It’s not a bad thing. It’s simply inevitable. You might as well embrace it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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White Noise (app)

I don’t like paying for apps. 99% of the apps I download are free. If I paid for an app, it better be worth it. I think that the iTunes White Noise app is worth the $1.99 fee. They have a free version, but the full version is where it’s at. White Noise is a sound soother app. It plays relaxing noises to drown out annoying noises when you’re trying to sleep. They have a bunch of different sounds like White Noise, Beach Waves Crashing, Water Sprinkler, Light Rain with Birds, Rain on Car Roof, Tibetan Singing Bowl, Clothes Dryer, Crowded Room, Boat Swaying in Water, City Streets, and Amazon Jungle (my personal favorite). It has a timer function so the sound will stop after you fall asleep. There’s also an alarm clock function as well as a display clock with different color settings. Sound soothers help you fall asleep and sleeping is good. I’ve noticed that when I’m sleeping in the city I tend to play nature sounds, and when I go to my parent’s house in the suburbs I tend to play city sounds. Check out the White Noise app from TMSOFT the next time you’re having trouble sleeping. You can thank me in the morning.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Counting Sheep

You have a big day tomorrow and you need to get a good night’s sleep, but your mind is racing and falling asleep seems impossible. You start thinking about how you can’t sleep, and that stresses you out even more so you become even more restless. That’s when you need to distract yourself and start counting sheep. You imagine a bunch on sheep jumping over a fence one at a time and count how many sheep jump over the fence. It doesn’t matter what’s on the other side of the fence, and you don’t need to know why they are even jumping over the fence in the first place. Just count how many sheep jump over the fence. It will calm you down and you’ll gradually start drifting off to sleep. It might take a while. There have been nights where I’ve counted over two thousand sheep. That’s a lot of lamb chops. But I’ve always fallen asleep eventually. Just keep counting sheep until you run out of them. Nobody is quite sure how tallying livestock cures insomnia, but it really does help.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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Sleep Talking

Sleep talking is when someone talks in their sleep. It’s pretty common and it happens a lot. Some people talk in their sleep every single night, some people do it every once in a while, and I’m pretty sure that everyone does it at least once in their life. Sometimes sleep talkers make sense, sometimes they don’t, sometimes you understand them clearly, and sometimes they are just speaking gibberish. It’s pretty funny hearing your friend or lover talking in their sleep because you can make fun of them the next morning. It’s kind of scary to find out that you talk in your sleep because it means your subconscious is in control. You can’t filter what you are saying. Your carefully crafted house of lies could suddenly collapse with a single slip of your sleeping tongue. The best way to avoid sleep talking is to avoid sleeping entirely. That’s why the good lord invented caffeine and cocaine.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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People Who Can Sleep Anywhere

I don’t trust people who can sleep anywhere and anytime. There’s just something suspicious about it. There’s a whole process and routine behind going to bed. You get dressed for bed, you brush your teeth, and you read a book or watch TV or listen to music as you drift off to sleep, then you crash hard for 6-8 hours and wake up in the morning. That’s what normal people do. But some people disrupt the universe by falling asleep in random places at random times and I don’t understand how they do it. My friend can fall asleep no matter what is going on. She can be at a party, at a sporting event, on a plane, on a goddamned jet ski and just close her eyes and start sleeping. It’s unbelievable; I don’t know how she does it. She can be surrounded by a thousand people with music blasting and lights blaring and simply close her eyes, shut it all out, and start snoozing. We will all be getting ready to go out, and when the cab finally shows up, she will be sprawled out on sofa completely comatose. It’s not right and it’s not fair. I have to grab a Red Bull if I’m tired. I just can’t do naps.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Setting Your Alarm for the Wrong Time

I don’t have a fixed schedule, so my wakeup times are always changing. Some days I can sleep in, some days I have to wake up at 9:30, other days at 8:15, and sometimes I’ll set my alarm for 9:00. There’s a danger in having so many different wakeup times… sometimes I’ll set the alarm for the wrong time. It’s not that bad if I wake up early, but it sucks if I set it for a later time. Then I might as well have not even set it in the first place. I still woke up late and I’m still fucked. The worst thing is that I didn’t forget to set it. I just didn’t do it right. I failed. Because I’m an idiot. Setting your alarm for the wrong time is one of those stupid things that everyone does at least once in their lifetime. Too bad your boss won’t accept it as a valid excuse for being late.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Arm’s Asleep

I usually sleep on my stomach and sometimes end up lying on top of my arm, consequently cutting off circulation for a few hours. Then I’ll wake up and realize that my arm’s asleep. I can’t move it and it won’t function at all. It’s an eerie feeling, like it’s a corpse arm that’s been attached to my body. It has no feeling, I can’t control it, it just kind of dangles uselessly. I have to start swinging my arm around and flexing my fingers in order to get the blood flowing again. Slowly but surely my arm starts to come back to life. But I’m always worried that one day I’ll oversleep and they’ll have to amputate it. Maybe that’s why I’m so anal about setting my alarm.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Early Morning Bathroom Battle

I live with a few roommates and we only have one bathroom. That means I get to experience the early morning bathroom battle a few times a week. That’s when you get up around the same time as someone else and you fight each other for the bathroom. Most people can’t function until they get through their morning routine, so there’s a lot more tension and less etiquette involved when dealing with sleep-deprived creatures fighting for the same space. You always feel like you are more deserving of the bathroom, that you’re more important. You’ll try to justify that your hygienic needs are more vital than his. It’s essential that you take a shower and you take one now. Your roomie can always brush his teeth in the kitchen or resort to pissing in a bottle… he just wants the bathroom, he doesn’t need it. There’s no better way to start the day than by arguing over who gets to use the shitter first. The early morning bathroom battle can turn violent, but it’s mostly a lot of name-calling and pounding on the door and telling them to hurry the fuck up.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sleeping Bag

A sleeping bag is a bag that you sleep in. You use them when you go camping or have a sleepover. It’s essential camping gear. Most of them roll up or get stuffed into another bag. I don’t know what you call the bag for the sleeping bag, but there has to be a name for it. Quality sleeping bags are made of down or synthetic insulators to keep you warm in freezing temperatures. You can’t climb Everest without a sleeping bag. Mummy sleeping bags are the best because they provide the most protection from the cold. The second best one is the Star Wars Tauntaun sleeping bag, because that’s the best idea for anything ever.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Accidental Wake Up Text

Sleeping in is nice. You get to lie in bed, all comfortable and content, drifting in and out of dreams, without a care in the world. And then the reality slaps you in the face and your phone buzzes and wakes you up. Some jerkass texted you for some stupid reason, it doesn’t even matter why. You can’t go back to your awesome dream so you’re kind of pissed before you even manage to open one eye to read the text. And no matter what the text says, it’s never worth waking up for. You might obligingly respond and tell them that you’re still sleeping before you close your eyes and try to drift off again. Inevitably they’ll text you back apologizing for waking you up, waking you up again in the process. You just can’t win and the universe doesn’t want you to.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Someone Else’s Alarm Clock

The only thing more annoying than hearing your alarm clock going off is hearing someone else’s alarm clock going off. Now you’re awake when you could have been sleeping for six and a half more minutes. Your day is all downhill from here. The universal law about other people’s alarm clocks is that they never seem to hear them. They just keep hitting snooze so their alarm keeps going off. And it keeps waking you up while they keep on sleeping. What’s the point of setting your alarm if you constantly ignore it? You shouldn’t use an alarm clock if it doesn’t wake you up. You’re wasting electricity and making enemies.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Lizard Blinking

Have you ever been so tired or exhausted that you can’t even blink in unison? You’ve just woken up or you’re about to pass out, and you don’t even realize that you’re blinking in slow motion and also closing one eye slightly before the other.  That’s lizard blinking. Because you look like a reptile when you do it. It means that you’re really fucking tired. So get some sleep and stop creeping people out.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Naps

Some people love taking naps. I never got into them. I would just pretend to fall asleep during designated naptimes in preschool and kindergarten. I can’t even take naps when travelling. I just can’t force myself to sleep. The daytime is for running around and doing random things, not for sleeping.

Sometimes you have to take a nap. You got up too early, or you started drinking too early, or maybe there’s something happening later that night. There’s nothing wrong with taking the occasional siesta, but I feel weird when I take a nap. I wake up disorientated and have to remind myself what day it is and if there are still things I need to do.

I prefer caffeine over catnaps, but if you feel like you need to lie down and close your eyes for a minute, I’m not going to judge you. I might go through your things as you sleep, but I won’t judge you.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Waking Up Early On Your Day Off

I typically work six days a week, meaning that I’ll only have one day off to relax. But I can’t relax because I usually have a bunch of neglected errands to run. At the very least, you should be able to sleep in on your day off, but sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you have to set your alarm because you have too much shit to do. Waking up early on your day off sucks. But you’re an adult now and you have to pretend to be responsible. Reality fucking blows. I’d rather sleep in.

Critically Rated at 3/17

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