Tag Archives: jump

Scaring Someone

I consider myself something of a trickster. I like playing pranks on people. Scaring someone is an easy and cheap way of entertaining yourself. All you need to do is sneak up on somebody who’s not paying attention. You creep up behind them and say “BOO!” Then you laugh as they jump and curse you for scaring them. Alternatively you can hide from view and then pop out at them. Remember to say “Boo!” It’s always funnier when you say “Boo!” when you scare them. It’s cliché, but it’s cliché for a reason. People like to be scared. They won’t admit it to save face, but you’re doing them a favor by scaring the shit out of them so don’t feel bad. It helps to hone their reflexes and could potentially save their life someday. The next time that you’re bored and need something to do, consider scaring someone. It will be well worth it, I assure you.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Skipping Rocks

I found a rock the other day. It was lying on the ground next to some other rocks, but this rock stood out. It was gray, palm-sized, thin, and smooth. I picked it up and felt the weight of it in my palm. I wrapped my fingers around it. I appreciated the natural beauty of it. I felt compelled to skip it. If only I had a pond. Too bad. I had to put it back on the ground and pretended to be normal again. Skipping rocks is fun. It’s a great source of entertainment when you’re by a river, lake, or pond. You scour the ground for a good rock, and you briefly show it off when you find a good one. Then you whip your arm back and sling it across the surface of the water and count how many skips you get. You can get more than ten if you’re good. You’ll only get one if you suck. I’m not that good at skipping rocks. I think six is my record. Some people are really good at skipping rocks. It’s not an impressive talent, but it’s still a talent. There’s no money or glory in it, only a false sense of pride.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Dumbest Thing I Ever Bought

About six years ago I was making a ridiculous amount of money at work during a busy summer and went on a shopping spree. I bought a new cell phone, a bunch of clothes, a longboard, a MacBook and a pair of stilts for some reason. Those stilts were the dumbest thing I ever bought. In my defense, they are really cool stilts. They aren’t regular stilts like you see clowns using at the circus or the ones that Uncle Sam wears during Fourth of July parades. No, I got a pair of PowerStrider jumping stilts. Suddenly I had the ability to jump six feet into the air! I could take strides of nine feet! I could jump over cars! I could do ridiculous flips and tricks and slam dunk from the free throw line! But I only wore them twice, which was one more time than I needed to wear them before I realized that I made a big mistake and basically threw three hundred dollars down the drain. You can’t just throw jumping stilts on and become a superhero. You have to start from scratch and learn how to use them. And if you fuck up you will get fucked up. It kind of hurts when you fall down taking strides of nine feet and jumping six feet in the air. I’ve had those stupid stilts ever since. I’ve tried selling them a few times but nobody’s ever wanted to buy them (because nobody in their right mind wants to buy stilts). I don’t want to throw them away because I spent so much money on them. So they sit in my closet mocking me like my collection of losing lottery tickets. By the way, you should let me know if you want a pair of jumping stilts for a reasonable price.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Trampolines

A trampoline is a piece of fabric stretched over a metal frame using a bunch of springs. You jump on them. The bigger the trampoline, the higher you can bounce. Everyone starts with the small trampoline, the one that you use in kindergarten. You can only bounce a few inches on them. The small ones aren’t really fun; you need a trampoline that’s at least 14 feet in diameter. You get a few feet of air with each jump, enough to do flips and tricks, and it’s large enough to have a few friends jumping with you at the simultaneously so you can play games or time your bounces in order to launch someone into the air. These days trampolines come with safety nets. When I was a kid we didn’t bother with that shit. We had the trampoline right by the rose bushes, so if you fell off you would land in thorns. You had to get good if you wanted to survive. The best types of trampolines are the rectangular ones. These are the ones that you see in the Olympics. They provide the optimal amount of bounce.

Trampolines are a staple of suburban backyards but they are starting to creep into cities in the form of trampoline parks. They have gigantic rooms where all the floors and walls are trampolines so you can run and jump off the walls and pretend like you’re in the Matrix. Most trampoline parks even have regularly scheduled games of dodgeball. It gets pretty intense; I’m not going to lie. Trampolines are fun. But they are a reminder that I’m getting old. I used to live on the trampoline in my backyard. I could jump on it for hours on end. I slept on it during warm summer nights. Now my back and knees hurt if I jump on one for ten minutes. I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for trampolines, but I think I’ve outgrown the thrill of stationary jumping.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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