Monthly Archives: March 2013

Emergency Piss

If you drink a lot of fluids, you’ll eventually have to piss like a racehorse. And when you gotta go, you gotta go and there’s nothing that can stop the inevitable. At some point in your life you will have to take an emergency piss. That’s when you have to pee so bad that you can’t hold it and you end up taking a leak in a random place out of sheer desperation. You might pee in a bottle or on the side of the road. You might even resort to using a plastic bag or a kid’s sippy cup. Desperate times call for desperate measures and anything is better than pissing yourself. You do what you gotta do to stay dry. An emergency piss is nothing to be ashamed of, sometimes nature calls and you got to accept the charges.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Parrot Brand Pink Guava Juice

Parrot Brand Pink Guava Juice is the best guava juice that I’ve ever had. I’ve had Kern’s Guava Juice before and it was pretty good and another time I had a real guava, but from now on it’s Parrot Brand Pink Guava Juice for me. It comes in a tall 16.4 oz  can (485 mL for my European friends). It’s sweet, refreshing, and has no preservatives. It’s only 30% juice, but it’s sweetened with real sugar cane and not high fructose corn syrup. It’s a healthier alternative to soda and it gives your taste buds a flavor rush. I’m surprised guava juice isn’t as popular as coconut water or POM. It has the potential to be the next trendy After-Yoga-Treat.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cold Pizza

Devouring a slice of cold pizza is the best way to declare to the world that you just don’t give a fuck. Pizza is delicious no matter what. It’s pretty hard to fuck up a slice. You pretty much have to burn your DiGiorno or drop it on the ground to make it inedible. Pizza is preferably served hot or at least lukewarm, but sometimes a slice of cold pizza hits the spot. Greasy, cheesy bread really can be served at any temperature and be a delicacy. Cold pizza is a great example of how versatile the Italian pie can be. Plus any meat topping is a bonus. Extra points for sausage.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Drink After Work

There’s nothing quite like grabbing a drink after work with some coworkers. You deal with so much bullshit all day long and a visit to the local bar is the best way to end a particularly stressful day. You can sip a beer and vent about all the lousy customers and lazy coworkers that you had to deal with during the shift. And your tension eases with every swallow. You work hard and you deserve to take a break before you go home. A drink after work is a godsend, a blessing. Never take it for granted, and never turn down a free round. You spend more time with your coworkers than your own family; you have to be able to get along with them. And booze brings people closer together. So celebrate each successful shift with a shot and a brew with a few fellow employees, bitch about shit, and repeat the process the next day.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Goose Hands

Last August I went to the Outside Lands Music and Arts Festival in San Francisco. There were a lot of bands, a few different stages, and thousands and thousands of people walking around. Anyone who has ever been to a festival can attest to how easy it is to lose your friends in the crowd. You look away for a second and they’re gone. Some people carry around sticks, poles, flags or balloons so that their friends can spot them amongst the sea of people. That’s a good idea, but it’s kind of cumbersome to walk around with a ten foot pole. Goose hands are the best alternative to lugging a flag around all day. Then next time someone gets separated from the group, tell them your general vicinity and to look out for the goose hands. Form a good old fashioned duck shadow puppet with your hand, then elevate it over your head and make it quack. Get a few friends to do it too, and the missing member of your group will be able to find you without any problem. It’s a great way to locate your group or guide your lost friend back to your spot. It’s easier to push your way through a crowd if you know where you’re going. Goose hands… try them at your next concert. It will change your life.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Don’t Go Down the Aisles at the Grocery Store

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but Americans are fat. Not all of us, but more than half of us are, and that makes us a nation of fatties. There’s no denying it. It’s a fact. We are fat because we eat like shit. We eat processed foods and preservatives, we guzzle soda like it’s water, and we consider ketchup to be a vegetable. But there’s an easy solution to avoid getting thunder thighs or an extra chin: don’t go down the aisles at the grocery store. What a simple but brilliant concept. Think about it, everything that is bad for you is in the aisles: cookies, junk food, canned goods, TV dinners, soda, all that hoopla. But if you just stick to the perimeter you’ll get all the essentials like fresh veggies, fruit, bread, milk, cheese, eggs, meat, fish, and all the stuff that you really need. Hell, even beer, wine, and hard alcohol are usually around the perimeter… like I said, all the essentials. Avoiding the aisles is an easy way to eat healthy. Remember that the next time you go shopping.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Light Switch

A light switch is a switch that turns a light on and off. If the light is off and you flick it, the light will turn on. If the light is already on and you flick the switch, then the light will turn off. It’s a pretty straightforward way of controlling the light. Sadly, some people don’t know how a light switch works. They know that if they go into a dark room and can’t see anything they can flick a switch and a light will come on. But they don’t know how to turn off the light when they leave the room. Nobody taught them that a light switch goes both ways (like your mom). I don’t know whether to feel sorry for them or to slap them (like your mom). The general rule states that you turn on the light when you need to see, and you turn it off when you don’t need to see. There are exceptions of course, like leaving a light on to stop burglars or to grow weed. Other than that, you should turn off the light when you leave the room. Unless there are still other people in there.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Kettle Sea Salt Chips

Kettle Brand potato chips are my preferred brand of chips, and Sea Salt is one of my go-to flavors. Kettle Sea Salt Chips look similar to your basic Lay’s potato chip, only less greasy, more crunchy, and with more flavor. It’s basically an improvement in every way. The only downside to them is that they aren’t Krinkle Kut like some of the other Kettle Chip flavors. That makes them slightly less fun, but they are still better than 90% of the potato chips out on the market. Kettle is one of those companies that loves the environment and sustainability. They use wind power and biodiesel and all that hippie shit. But they didn’t sacrifice any flavor and still make gourmet chips. Kudos to them.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Starting To Get Sick

I woke up with the sniffles and a runny nose and realized that I’m starting to get sick. Starting to get sick is worse than actually being sick. When you’re sick you’re just sick and you deal with it. All you can do when you start getting sick is take some vitamin C and hope that you’re not getting sick. You still have to suck it up and go to work. People will invite you to hang out and they won’t believe you when you say you can’t because you’re starting to get sick. That’s like saying you have to do laundry or wash your hair, it might be true but it’s a weak excuse. You’ll be peer pressured into going out when you know that you shouldn’t, and you’ll regret it the next day when you wake up fully diseased and phlegmy. Oh well, at least you’re not starting to get sick anymore.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Arizona Cherry Lime Rickey

So I didn’t get the memo, but apparently Arizona Iced Tea had their big 20th Anniversary in 2012 and released a special drink in commemoration. There was a consumer contest to design the can and another one to come up with the flavor. It’s kind of weird how two people can win a contest and still be losers. Anyway, that’s how we ended up with the Arizona 20th Anniversary Cherry Lime Rickey, a sparkling cherry lime flavored beverage in a can that looks like it was designed by a New York hippie. It tastes good, but I would never drink it on a regular basis. Luckily I don’t even have to worry about it because it’s a limited release.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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People Who Don’t Know How to Walk

Walking isn’t that hard but a lot of people can’t do it. I’m not talking about the crippled or handicapped or crawling babies. I’m talking about the idiots on the sidewalk that can’t walk in straight line or keep a steady pace. You have to walk with intention, with purpose. You can’t just be zigzagging your way down the sidewalk, stopping or slowing down to look at your phone. Hang up and fucking walk, damnit. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, and repeat until you’re at your destination. And remember that there are other people trying to use the sidewalk too… Joggers, skaters, and dog walkers all want to use the sidewalk and they are probably faster than your slow pedestrian pace, so try to stick to one side of the sidewalk and don’t get distracted by a shiny mailbox and suddenly veer from your course without looking around first. Just because you’re on the sidewalk doesn’t mean there isn’t traffic and obstacles to pay attention to. Be aware of your surroundings and stay out of my way.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Snapple Lightly Sweetened Cherry Pomegranate Tea

Lightly Sweetened Cherry Pomegranate Tea is one of the newest members of the Snapple flavor family. It’s almost a diet drink; it only has 80 calories and 18 grams of sugar. It also doesn’t have much flavor. It tastes like a watered down Snapple. And that’s probably what it is. They probably took one Snapple and poured it into 3 bottles and topped them off with water. If you buy a Cherry Pomegranate flavored drink, you want to be able to taste the Cherry Pomegranate when you drink it. And the flavor is way too subtle to justify a purchase. It’s a pretty disappointing beverage and not worth getting again.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pissing On the Plunger

I’ve pissed on hundreds of plungers in my lifetime. Almost everyone I know has a toilet and a plunger to go with it. And everyone seems to keep the plunger right next to the toilet. It seems logical and convenient but it’s not. It’s a terrible place to keep because I’m going to pee on it. It’s like a lightening rod for my urinary stream. I probably won’t do it on purpose, but it’s going to happen one way or another. I’m a guy, that’s what we do. We piss all over the toilet seat and whatever else is in the vicinity and that includes the plunger. Yeah, we have built-in fire hoses but it’s hard to pee through morning wood or aim when we’re drunk. Pissing on the plunger isn’t something I’m proud of but I’m not ashamed to admit it either.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Uploading Pictures Of Yourself Camping

The whole point of camping is to get away from it all. Away from city life, away from technology, away from your cell phone. You should be chilling in the woods, sitting around a campfire, telling stories and making jokes. You should be living. Why the fuck are you taking picture of yourself camping and uploading it to Facebook? I’m not opposed to taking pictures of the campsite or the views or having fun. That’s totally fine. I’m against taking a picture and instantly uploading it. You’re not camping if you don’t have a signal, you’re just a hipster in the woods. Put down the phone and look at a tree. You came out to nature to experience nature, not to add another hashtag to your resume.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Shameless Season 1

Shameless is a Showtime series about a poor and dysfunctional family living in a Chicago ghetto. It’s got everything that I want from a TV show: sex, violence, humor, drama, love triangles, drugs, alcohol, criminals and petty thugs, amazing writing, and great characters played by great actors.

William H. Macy stars as Frank Gallagher, a drunken loser with six kids. He’s selfish, egotistical, and spends his days drinking and ignoring his kids. The beautiful Emmy Rossum plays Fiona Gallagher, his oldest child and surrogate mother to the rest of the kids. She runs the household and keeps the family from falling apart. They are the two main characters of the huge ensemble cast and they drive the main storylines of the first season. Frank moves out of his house and starts mooching off of Sheila Jackson (played by Joan Cusack), who is recently separated from her husband, and collecting huge disability checks for her agoraphobia. Meanwhile Fiona gets a new boyfriend named Steve (played by Justin Chatwin) and she reluctantly lets him into her chaotic life.

Season 1 introduces you to the Gallaghers and how they live. They aren’t your typical family. They come from a broken home. They hate their mother for abandoning them, and still love Frank despite all the shit he’s done. He never left them. He’s a deadbeat deplorable drunk, and a terrible excuse for a human being, but it taught them to rely on themselves rather than him. All the kids in the family work and hustle to make money to pay the bills. They look after each other, stand up for each other, defend each other, and are fiercely loyal to each other. They watch TV together, eat and drink and smoke together. They aren’t perfect, but they are proud of that.

You also get to meet a few other characters from around the neighborhood, friends, enemies, cops, drunks, sluts, and thugs. There are a lot of characters and subplots and arcs and I’m too lazy to write about them all. You might notice I didn’t even write about all the Gallaghers. There are just too many of them. They all have their own character traits and they all get something to do. Shameless is a great show. It only took me about fifteen minutes to get hooked. It’s more addicting than Breaking Bad. That’s a bold statement, but I’m sticking to it. Breaking Bad doesn’t have nudity and Shameless does. Emmy Rossum is beautiful and you can see her boobies. Game over.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Mustard Stain

I like mustard but it doesn’t like me. It’s always trying to escape from my sandwich and attack my shirt. It usually succeeds too. You can tell whenever I had a sandwich or a hot dog for lunch by the enormous mustard stain on my shirt. It’s always mustard too. I don’t have these problems with mayo or ketchup or any other condiment. Mustard just has it in for me. Oh well, I’d rather have a mustard stain on my shirt than Sriracha is my eye.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Favorite Moment of The Simpsons

The Simpsons has been on the air for 24 seasons and counting, there have been millions of great jokes and gags over the decades. But one gag stands out above all the others. Way back in the seventh season there was an episode called “Marge Be Not Proud.” Bart gets caught shoplifting at the Try-N-Save and Marge is hurt and disappointed and gives Bart the cold shoulder, leaving him out of family activities. He comes downstairs and sees everyone drinking hot chocolate. Marge hands him a cup but there’s no marshmallow in it. When he asks about it, Marge says that he’s old enough to put the marshmallow in himself. So he picks up a marshmallow, drops it into the cup, and it instantly expands and absorbs up all the hot chocolate. He turns the mug over and it slides out and plops down on the table. He didn’t just fail, he failed spectacularly and he knows it. He dejectedly begins carving into it while Grampa eagerly asks for a slice. It’s completely absurd. It doesn’t make any sense. And it makes you want a hot chocolate marshmallow slice too. I still laugh out loud every time it pops into my head. It sums up The Simpsons style of humor wonderfully. And it reminds you that the seventh season happened a long time ago.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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