Tag Archives: steal

Don’t Touch My Chicken Wing

I was starving at work the other day and brought some buffalo wings into the breakroom to scarf down. I sat down and one of my coworkers had the audacity to take one of my wings without asking me first. She just reached her grubby little hand out and snatched one. Well, that really pissed me off and I let her know it. I grabbed the wing back from her and threw it away. I asked her who the fuck she thought she was. I told her that we weren’t homies. She doesn’t get to eat my food. She doesn’t get to touch my food. I let her know that she would have gotten one if she had simply asked. I said none of this nicely, mind you. I was fucking livid. I walked out of the breakroom and handed out a couple of wings to coworkers that I actually am friends with, knowing that they would take the wings back to the breakroom and she would see them eating the same wings that I had fiercely defended. They can have my wings. Her entitled self is forbidden. 

Looking back on it, I know that I overreacted but justice comes at a price. The moral of the story is don’t touch my chicken wing. Don’t assume you can just take one without asking. It’s my food. It’s my property. But if you ask, I’ll be more than happy to let you have one. I might even offer you some ranch to dip it in.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Random Rants, Snacks

Ripped Off by a Vending Machine

I was eating some buffalo wings in the break room at work. They were really spicy and I was started to sweat a little bit. I was too lazy to walk all the way back to the kitchen to get a glass of water, so I plopped four quarters into the vending machine for a can of Coke. I put in the money, entered the two digit code for the Coke, and eagerly awaited for it to fall down into the retrieval slot. The Coke never came. The machine ate my money. Needless to say, I was devastated. My world came crashing down all around me. I hate when I get ripped off by a vending machine. It makes me feel dirty and used. And it’s an inanimate object so it doesn’t fear my wrath. I was tempted to put in another dollar to see if I got two Cokes, but I was too worried about getting shafted again. It’s better to waste one dollar and not get a Coke than to waste two dollars and still not get any Cokes. I don’t trust vending machines anymore. My faith in them has been shattered.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cell Phone Wallet Case

A cell phone wallet case is exactly what it sounds like. It’s cell phone case that doubles as a wallet (or maybe it’s a wallet that doubles as a cell phone case). It sounds like a convenient way to keep organized, but it’s a terrible idea. It makes it way to easy to lose all your valuables in one fell swoop. Cell phone wallet cases are an invitation to thieves. You only have to turn your back for one second to have someone snatch your phone, cash, driver’s license, credit cards, baby pictures, and Jamba Juice 2-for1 coupon. And you were only one punch away from a free burrito too. Now you have to call the bank to cancel your cards and that’s hard to do when you have no phone. So you have to get a new phone and that’s hard to do when you have no money. Then you have to go to the DMV to get a new license and wait in line for half a day, kicking and cursing yourself the whole time for getting that damn cell phone wallet case.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Table Snatchers

If you are a server/waiter, table snatchers should be one of your biggest pet peeves. A table snatcher is a coworker who steals one of the tables in your section. You’ll notice that you got sat, you’ll go over and greet the table, and they’ll tell you that somebody already took their order. You’ll be confused for a minute, wondering if this is really your table or if one of the managers took their order. Then you see your sleazy coworker bringing drinks out to the table, the same coworker who always tries to steal your tables. You call her out on it and she plays dumb, pretending like she didn’t know which tables were in her section. You know that she knows and she knows that you know that she knows, but she still acts like it was an innocent mistake and she offers you a shitty table in her section as compensation. Don’t take the table. It’s better to be mad. Table snatchers are dirty, rotten thieves that try to steal your customers and your tips while feigning ignorance. Fuck that, and fuck them. Don’t fuck around with my money.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Friend Stole My Face Wash

So my friend stole my face wash. I don’t mean that he borrowed a little bit each day until it was gone. I mean that he fucking took the whole tube out of my medicine cabinet in one fell swoop. Who the fuck does that? Are you really that desperate for a facial cleanse that you’re willing to steal? That’s pathetically low. It’s damn near rock bottom. I can forgive somebody stealing from me for a heroin fix, but smooth skin and exfoliated pores hardly seems worthy of jeopardizing your reputation. There’s no reason and there’s no excuse for bullshit like that, so don’t bother explaining yourself. All you had to do was ask. Instead you decided to steal it and reveal your true colors. Now I’m going to suspect you whenever something goes missing. I hope it was worth it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dogs Like Cabbage

I wonder if he eats brocoli too.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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Filed under Critically Filtered