Monthly Archives: December 2012

December 31, 2012 · 10:06 am

New Year’s Eve

Holy shit, it’s the last night of the year! Time to get drunk and reminisce on 2012. New Year’s Eve is one of the most popular holidays. It’s celebrated around the world, across all religions and ages. Everyone is looking for some place to be at midnight. Little kids and old people celebrate quietly at home, while everybody else is at a party, either on the street, in a club, or at somebody’s house.

New Year’s Eve is all about midnight. The whole day is building up to midnight. There are fireworks and champagne and making out at midnight. Everyone asks where you’re going to be at midnight, and the next day everyone asks where you were at midnight. You’re almost never where you wanted to be at midnight. I’ve spent midnight in cars going to bars, I’ve spent it running down the sidewalk trying to get to a party before the ball dropped, I’ve spent it with random semi-friends in strange cities. The problem with NYE is that it’s too overhyped. You want it to be perfect and it never will be. Hollywood lied to you. You’ll never be happy.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 31, 2012 · 10:03 am

Piss on the Toilet Seat

Ladies, I know you get exasperated at constantly having to wipe the piss off the toilet seat. You wonder how it’s even possible to piss on the toilet seat. You know that guys have built-in fire hoses so we can aim, but there’s still piss on the seat. I’m here to tell you that there are two main reasons for pissing on the toilet seat. First off, it might have been the unintentional consequence of splashback. That’s when the force of your stream hitting the toilet water causes some of it to splash back and up onto the toilet seat. The other reason is that morning wood is hard to piss through. It wasn’t intentional. Most guys aren’t trying to piss on the seat, it just happens. If it really bothers you than you should leave the seat up.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 30, 2012 · 11:41 am

Inglourious Basterds

Inglourious Basterds is Quentin Tarantino’s seventh film and an abomination of spelling. It’s your basic World War II fairy tale, taking place in an alternate timeline. The basic plot involves a Jewish-French chick and a ragtag group of soldiers trying to kill Hitler. And everyone has snazzy dialog because it’s a Tarantino movie.

Brad Pitt plays Lieutenant Aldo Raine, the leader of the Jewish-American “Basterds.” The Basterds enjoy spending their time killing and scalping Nazis. One of their main targets is Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz), a.k.a. the “Jew Hunter.” Landa is a formidable foe. His job is to track down Jews and he does his job well and without mercy. He’s a master of languages and is cunning and diabolical. His only mistake was letting the young Shosanna Dreyfus (Mélanie Laurent) escape from his clutches.

Shosanna goes on to change her name to Emmanuelle Mimieux and takes over a small cinema. One day she gets the opportunity to host a Nazi movie premiere that will be attended by the Nazi elite, including Hitler. She decides to use the opportunity to kill him. The Basterds also have a plan to kill Hitler. The result is rather explosive when two Hitler assassination plots merge in a Tarantino movie.

The best thing about the movie was casting Christoph Waltz as Hans Landa. He steals every scene; it doesn’t matter whether or not he is speaking English, German, French or Italian. You hate the guy and you like hating the guy. It makes it really satisfying when Aldo carves a swastika in his head. The worst thing about this movie is all the foreign languages resulting in a whole lot of subtitles. I don’t mind subtitles most of the time, but sometimes I just want to watch a movie without reading.

Inglourious Basterds is a good film. But it’s not one of Tarantino’s best. Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, and the Kill Bill saga are better. Inglourious Basterds is too ambitious with too many plot holes. For instance, Aldo’s plan never would have worked if Landa didn’t have a secret agenda. All in all, this is a solid film and is required viewing if you’re a Tarantino fan.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 30, 2012 · 11:33 am

Zig-Zag Rolling Papers

Zig-Zag is a company that makes rolling papers for cigarettes. They are inexpensive, usually $1-2 for a pack of thirty-two and they last for a while if you’re not using them to smoke cigarettes.  A lot of people use them for rolling joints or spliffs. Zig-Zag is like the Coca-Cola of rolling papers. If you ask someone to get you soda, they’ll come back with Coke. If you ask someone for papers, they’ll come back with Zig-Zags. There are a few other brands out there, but Zig-Zag is the most common and the most trusted.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 29, 2012 · 11:38 am

American Horror Story: Murder House

American Horror Story: Murder House is the first season of the acclaimed FX series. Dylan McDermott and Connie Britton star as Ben and Vivien Harmon, who move into a haunted house in an attempt to repair their broken marriage. Taissa Farmiga plays Violet, the brooding teenaged daughter. The Harmons have to deal with a nosy neighbor with a hidden agenda and the many deceased occupants of their new home.

McDermott and Britton do a good job as the main characters, but Jessica Lange steals every scene that she’s in. She plays Constance Langdon, the next door neighbor with an obsession for the haunted mansion. She used to live in the mansion and quite a few of her dead children call it home. Her son Tate (Evan Peters) is her pride and joy, despite the fact that he’s a homicidal high school shooter and a ghost. Naturally, Tate and Violet start to fall for each other.

There are quite a few dead residents living in the mansion. There’s a maid that appears to be old to some people and appears as a sexy minx to other people. Ben’s ex-fling gets murdered and moves in. Zachary Quinto and Teddy Sears play a dead gay couple. Even Mena Suvari found time to play a ghost.

As with most shows, the characters make or break the show. American Horror Story: Murder House has great characters. Most of the episodes are interesting enough to keep watching, but the show fizzled at the end. The last episode was downright terrible. Yeah, it tied up loose ends, but it was really cliché and a let down. It sucks getting to the end of a season and being disappointed. It makes you want to give up on the series. Luckily the second season is like a whole new show. It takes place in a different time with different characters and with an asylum as the setting.

Murder House is a good start to a good show. It’s kind of scary and kind of creepy, but it’s more of a character-based thriller with ghosts. The first few episodes suck you in and get you addicted pretty quickly. There are cool characters and crazy twists and interesting backstories. But that last episode really sucks.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 29, 2012 · 11:33 am

Cleaning Your Piece

You probably have a pipe, bubbler and/or a bong if you smoke weed regularly. The more you use it, the more resin it accumulates. Too much resin and your piece gets clogged. If it’s too clogged you can’t smoke out of it. Then it’s time to clean it. You can get special cleaning supplies like Formula 420 and pipe cleaners, but salt, rubbing alcohol, and a paperclip will work just as well for half the cost. You get an odd sense of accomplishment from cleaning your piece that you don’t get from recycling beer cans. You shouldn’t be smoking drugs in the first place, but if you do then you should smoke from a clean and well-maintained piece.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 28, 2012 · 9:52 am

Forgetting Your Headphones

Portable music players are really good for listening to music on the go (obviously). It seems like everyone has an mp3 player or a smartphone with mp3 capabilities these days. But forgetting your headphones makes your mp3 player a glorified paperweight. What good is a music player if you can’t hear the music? Forgetting your headphones for your daily commute is annoying enough, but forgetting them when you go on a vacation is downright frustrating. Music is essential for any road trip/train ride/flight. It drowns out engine noise, loud passengers, and crying babies. They make it easier to ignore people. Without your headphones you might have to make conversation or read a book to pass the time. Or you could take a shit ton of sleeping pills, that’s probably more fun.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 28, 2012 · 9:49 am

Blocking the Escalator

Go to any major city and observe how people move up and down the subway escalators. Both the up and down escalators are divided into two lanes. One lane is for the leisurely and feeble who stand stationary. The other one is the passing lane for the people who have somewhere to be or are impatient. They walk or run up the passing lane. Don’t block the moving lane. If you want to stand, stand on the designated standing side. Blocking the escalator during rush hour could get you killed, especially in New York. Don’t be that idiot blocking the escalator. Take your head out of your ass and pay attention to what everyone else is doing. And get the fuck out of my way.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 27, 2012 · 9:57 am

Wearing a Backpack in a Crowded Area

A backpack is a great way to bring a bunch of shit with you. It stays on your shoulders and back so you have your hands free to eat a muffin and use your phone. A lot of people have backpacks and a lot of people forget to take them off around other people. They take up twice as much space and don’t realize it. Wearing a backpack in a crowded area is a great way to make enemies. People seem to forget that they are wearing them and they constantly bump into people and knock things over. They are completely oblivious to how annoying and intrusive a bulging backpack can be. Be respectful and courteous to other people and take off your backpack, especially at a concert or on a crowded bus. Or I’ll punch you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 27, 2012 · 9:50 am

Getting to the Bus Stop and Seeing Your Bus Approaching

One of the worst things about public transportation is waiting for the public transportation. It’s a shitty feeling to get to your bus stop and seeing your bus driving away. But nothing beats getting to the bus stop and seeing your bus approaching. You casually stroll over as the bus starts slowing down, how convenient. You just need to jump on board and find a seat. No muss, no fuss. You have to enjoy those fleeting moments when the universe seems to revolve around you.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 26, 2012 · 8:58 am

Lazy Day

A lazy day is even better than a day off. You typically have a few errands and chores to do on your days off. But sometimes you have a day off where you don’t have to do anything, when you can procrastinate and be lazy the whole day. You’ll start by sleeping in a few extra hours. Then you’ll lie in bed reading or surfing the net for a few hours before you get up. You might pour yourself some cereal or stick a Hot Pocket in the microwave because you’re hungry but you’re not going to cook. You don’t take a shower because you’re not planning on impressing anybody. You don’t put on shoes because you’re not even going outside to check the mail. It’s a lazy day and nothing is going to get accomplished by design. It’s a good time to catch up on your TV shows, play a videogame, or watch that movie that you keep putting off. Fighting boredom while sitting on your ass is the epitome of a lazy day and the American way.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 26, 2012 · 8:54 am

Salt Water Taffy

Salt water taffy is a type of chewy candy. I don’t know why it’s called salt water taffy. There’s no salt water in it. It’s kind of weird to lie about something as trivial as that. Anyway, salt water taffy comes in a variety of flavors, but it’s impossible to tell what those flavors are. Some of them are fruity but I couldn’t tell you which fruit it’s trying to emulate. Salt water taffy’s biggest competition comes from Laffy Taffy, but salt water taffy doesn’t need to resort to cheap gimmicks like putting lame jokes on the label to sell in units. Salt water taffy has been around for over a hundred years; it’s not going away anytime soon.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 25, 2012 · 12:08 pm

A New Pair of Socks

You walk around all day and your feet suffer as a result. You can get expensive shoes or gel insoles, but sometimes a new pair of socks will make all the difference. Fresh new socks are like sticking your feet into a cloud. Your feet feel fluffy and free. New socks make you want to burn your old ones. But you don’t because your new socks will turn into old socks someday and the beauty of that realization makes you respect the old socks because they were once new socks. New socks are still better though.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 25, 2012 · 2:15 am

Christmas

It’s Christmas day, the pinnacle of the Holiday season. Everyday since Halloween has building up for this 24-hour period of food, gifts, and family fights. Hanukah and Kwanzaa are ok, but everyone knows that Christmas is the star of the show. It’s the fake birthday of our favorite bastard. And since he’s not around anymore, we get to open his presents for him. There are a lot of traditions and customs around the world. Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle and St. Nick are a bunch of creepy old men that give goodies to little kids in the middle of the night. People used to take living trees and display them inside. They gradually decided that it was weird, so they started using fake plastic trees instead. People stand around in groups in the freezing cold, loudly singing songs about silent nights.

Christmas is overhyped. It’s lost all value as a holiday. It’s the poster child for consumerism and gluttony, but masked with bright lights and fake snow to make it presentable. It’s still a great day to spend with friends and family, but the magic of the holiday has been slowly draining away ever since you found out that Santa’s not real, he’s just a mascot for the Coca-Cola Company. But everything is full of shit when you analyze it, and Christmas is still my favorite holiday.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 24, 2012 · 10:58 am

Liking Your Own Status

Liking your own status is presumptuous. It’s not proper netiquette. If your status is worthy of being Liked, then someone will Like it. You don’t need to click the Like Button yourself to get it started. That’s what bums do. A panhandler will put a dollar in his cup, because it breaks the seal and other people will be more likely to give a donation. Liking your own status is like putting a dollar in your cup.  It also makes you seem full of yourself. Remember the story of Narcissus? He was so full of himself that he fell in love with his reflection. He couldn’t stop looking at himself and he wasted away and died. If he were alive today, he would be Liking his own Facebook status. That’s what narcissists do.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 24, 2012 · 10:54 am

Oven Mitts

Sometimes you need to take hot things out of the oven. You should use oven mitts for that. Some people call them oven gloves, even though they are more like mittens than gloves.  They should be called oven mittens because they look like giant mittens that you use for taking hot things out of the oven. No matter what you call them, there’s no denying their practicality. And they can be quite fashionable. Just look at all the stock photos of moms cooking with aprons and oven mitts in the backyard. Oven mitts are a vital yet underrated feature of a stocked kitchen.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 23, 2012 · 10:53 am

My Dental Abscess

I am fortunate enough to be suffering from a dental abscess right now. That means that I look like a fucking chipmunk, but my cheek is bulging with pus and blood as opposed to acorns. I spent a few days wearing hoodies and hoping that it would go away. It didn’t. It got bigger and more obvious. It looked like I got in a fight and lost. I couldn’t ignore it anymore, so I took the day off and went to the Emergency Room. Fuck Disneyland, the Emergency Room is the happiest place on Earth.  It’s full of sick, hurt and suffering people and the wait time is longer than the DMV.

My name was finally called and they took me into a small room and gave me an IV, some antibiotics and some morphine. I really liked the morphine. They left me alone for 45 minutes as the IV did its thing and I watched a movie on my iPhone. Then the doctor put a small slit in my mouth and started to squeeze the abscess like it was a glorified pimple. The nurse had a little clear vacuum that she used to suck up an obscene amount of pus and blood. It’s amazing how disgusting the human body can be. The procedure was pretty painless. The only downside is that I can’t drink alcohol for a few days. That hurts more than the abscess.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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