Monthly Archives: March 2016

March 31, 2016 · 2:22 pm

Spare Toothbrush

I brush my teeth at least twice a day because good hygiene is important and bad breath is gross. I have a toothbrush that stays in my bathroom. That’s my main toothbrush. I use it when I wake up and I use it before I go to bed. But I also keep a spare toothbrush in my work bag that’s saved me a few times, like when my roommate is hogging the bathroom and I’m trying to leave the house. Sometimes I’ll crash at a friend’s house instead of going home after a late shift and my trusty spare toothbrush is always there to keep me feeling fresh and clean. And sometimes I get the urge to brush after lunch just in case there’s anything stuck between my teeth. A spare toothbrush is almost as important as your main toothbrush. So you should get one if you don’t have one. Maybe get a little tube of toothpaste to go along with it. A toothbrush without toothpaste is pretty pointless.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 25, 2016 · 11:28 pm

That’s Right, I’m Never Wrong

I was having a casual argument with my girlfriend the other night (the kind where you bicker back and forth mostly out of boredom rather than anger), and I finally caved in and relented, giving her the victory and telling her that she was right. She responded by saying, “That’s right, I’m never wrong.” I responded by laughing and writing that down. That’s right, I’m never wrong. It has a certain poetry to it. It’s certainly a paradox. It’s a contradictory statement that’s both false and true. I’ve dubbed it the girlfriend paradox because she doesn’t have to be right in order to win the argument.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 21, 2016 · 1:45 pm

Untied Shoelaces

I live in San Francisco and I don’t have a car. Needless to say, I’m pretty good at walking. I walk a lot. I walk quickly and efficiently, like any good city dweller. You can stroll in the suburbs, but you have to walk at a brisk pace if you want to survive the city. The only thing that slows me down are elderly pedestrians that won’t get out of my way and occasionally untied shoelaces. I can’t do anything about old people, but I know how to deal with untied shoelaces. I simply tie them back up. Problem temporarily solved. I might even double knot them for added security. Untied shoelaces are dangerous. That’s why they invented Velcro and slip on shoes. Safety is always important, fashion can take a backseat.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 20, 2016 · 2:52 pm

Tater Tots

A tater tot is like a bite-sized hash brown. It’s diced up potato that is deep-fried and delicious. I would place tater tots in the top ten of American comfort foods because of how versatile they are. They can be a side dish or be featured in the main course. You never had a childhood if you never had a tater tot. Tater tots, or tots if you wanna be cool, are the official food of the Midwest. They have tater tot casseroles, tots are an acceptable pizza topping, and tots have even replaced tortilla chips in nachos (creating a dish called totchos). Every broke ass college kid should have a big bag of tots in the freezer. You can’t eat ramen everyday. You should mix it up with potato products and fries are too cliché. Tater tots can go with every meal. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are all improved by a simple appearance from the majestic tot. You don’t have to believe me, but you’re missing out if you don’t have tater tots in your life.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 16, 2016 · 9:43 pm

Finding a New TV Show

I recently started watching Love on Netflix. It’s a new show and I can’t get enough of it. There are only ten episodes in the first season. I’ve gone through eight already. Finding a new TV show is like discovering a new drug. You do as much as you can while you can and then you start fiending for more. You start binging. And you want everyone to know how great it is. You want everyone to feel how great you are feeling. You want to talk about it but you can only talk to people who are down with it too. You have to be somewhat discreet. So you find people that you know have the same vices as you and you tell them to check this shit out. It’s great, you’ll say. It makes you laugh, it makes you cry, it makes you feel everything in between. Get through the first one and it’s like crack. You won’t be able to stop. Ok, but seriously, check out Love on Netflix. It’s a Judd Apatow production. That should be enough endorsement.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 13, 2016 · 1:52 pm

Adventure Day Backpack

I have an adventure day backpack. It’s the backpack that I always take to the beach or park. I’ll also bring it when I go hiking or camping or on a random day trip. I keep a few essentials in the bag at all times. There’s a lighter and a bottle opener so I’m always ready to party. There’s a bottle of hand sanitizer because it’s a nice gesture to clean your hands after you piss in public. I have a tube of Carmex lip balm to protect my lips. I have big lips, I need to protect them. There’s a multi-tool that my sister gave me with a knife, screwdriver, saw, can opener. There’s a stash of Band-Aids because shit happens. That’s just the pockets.

Open it up, and there are two baseball gloves and a ball, so I can have a catch wherever and whenever. There’s a Nerf football and a Frisbee if I want to play catch with something else. There’s a cribbage board so I can play cribbage if I want to play cribbage. There’s a deck of cards because you can’t play cribbage without a deck of cards. There’s also an UNO deck so I can play UNO and you can’t play UNO with regular cards. Crazy Eights just isn’t the same. There’s a beach towel so I can sit down at the beach. It also works just as well at the park. There used to be Bluetooth speakers too, but they broke. My birthday is coming up. I could use some speakers. Just saying.

I’m quite fond of my adventure day backpack. We’ve had a lot of good times together. I hope we have a lot more. Everyone should have a designated adventure day backpack. Everyone should go on adventures. Live life. That’s what I say, that’s what I do. Having an adventure day backpack makes it easier.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 11, 2016 · 9:45 pm

Leftover Chinese Food

I ordered Chinese food for dinner last night and you know what that means… I had leftover Chinese food for dinner tonight. It’s the only way to do it. You order way more food than you can possibly eat, stuff your face as much as you can, and then put whatever remains into the fridge and that’s lunch and dinner for the new few days. I think leftover Chinese food almost tastes better than freshly cooked Chinese food. Somehow sitting in the refrigerator for hours and hours and then getting nuked in the microwave really brings out the flavor. Maybe it supercharges the MSG. I don’t what’s in it. I just know I can’t stop eating it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 10, 2016 · 4:04 pm

Ben & Jerry’s New Belgium Salted Caramel Brown-ie Ale

I like beer. I like ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s New Belgium Salted Caramel Brown-ie Ale combines the two. They use New Belgium Brown Ale ice cream and combine it with fudge brownies and salted caramel swirls. I was expecting to get a slight whiff of beer when I took off the lid, but it just smelled like normal ice cream. Well, I’ve never really smelled ice cream before but it didn’t seem to have much of an aroma at all. I took a spoonful and put it in my mouth. My first thoughts were that it was smooth and creamy and not much else. I took another bite, and then another, trying to find a distinguishing flavor, but there really isn’t one. It doesn’t taste like a brown ale at all. It’s bland. I can taste the caramel and brownies, but the New Belgium Brown Ale ice cream is more boring than vanilla. I was expecting an ice cream that tasted like beer. I just got ice cream. Meh. It’s a limited batch. It’s going away soon. Good.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 9, 2016 · 1:40 pm

The Shopkeeper

There is a corner store a block from my house that has just about anything you can think of. They claim that if they don’t have it, you don’t need it. It’s pretty much true, so I go there almost every single day. I realized that the shopkeeper probably knows me better than anyone. He knows all my secrets because he knows what I buy. That’s a pretty dangerous power. He knows what kind of beer that I like. He knows what kind of food I like. He knows if my house is dirty. He knows if I have an ant invasion or a mouse in the house. He knows if I’m hanging out with friends that night or staying at home alone. And yet he never judges me (at least not to my face) so I will continue to shop there until I die or his store closes, whichever comes first. It’s important to be nice and polite to everyone, but especially towards your shopkeeper. You don’t want to piss him off. He has more dirt on you than you think.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 8, 2016 · 5:24 pm

Spider in Your Shoe

I went to the park a few days ago. The weather was kind of shitty so I decided to wear a pair of old shoes from the bottom of my closet instead of my everyday kicks. It had been a while since I had worn them last, so I gave them a good shake before I put them on. It’s a good thing I did that, because a dead spider fell out when I shook them. It freaked the hell out of me. I’m not really scared of spiders but finding a spider in my shoe has always been a minor fear of mine. I’m so glad that it was a dead spider and not a live one. Fuck that. I’m actually kind of surprised that finding spiders in shoes doesn’t happen more often. Spiders like dark remote places and a shoe seems like it would be a nice comfortable cave to inhabit. I mean I would live in a shoe if I was a spider. Spinning a web takes a long time and seems like hard work. I’d rather take up space in a forgotten sneaker. But I’m not a spider in a shoe. I’m a person, a person who doesn’t want spiders in my shoes. And I hope that you never find a spider in your shoe too because I like you. You read my blog. And not many people do, so thank you for that. You definitely deserve spider-free shoes.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 6, 2016 · 5:18 pm

When a Dog Licks Its Ass and then Kisses Your Face

My girlfriend has a cute little dog with a big nasty habit. He likes to lick his butthole and then he tries to lick your face. I learned fairly quickly to rebuff his advances. I’ve often wondered why dogs are so eager to go down on themselves. They will lick and slobber all over their genitalia and poop chutes like the world is ending. Then they try desperately to make out with you. They know that it’s disgusting. They are just trying to prove to you that they are really in charge. They are in control. They have the power. That’s why they lick your face with a contaminated tongue. Nobody likes it when a dog licks its ass and then kisses your face. At least I hope that’s the case. I’m sure some people are into that sort of thing. If you fall into that category, please stay away from me and any dogs that I am affiliated with. And stay five hundred yards away from any pet store.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 5, 2016 · 3:56 pm

Nougat

I was having a lengthy discussion about candy bars with my roommate (we may or may not have had the munchies) when I discovered that he didn’t know what nougat was. I was kind of shocked. Nougat is an essential ingredient in a lot of great candy bars. Snickers has nougat. Baby Ruth has nougat. Big Hunk has nougat. LOOK! has nougat. Mars bar has nougat. Milky Way has nougat. And somehow nougat is still overlooked and underrated. It deserves more attention and affection. So I decided to blog about it to help get the word out.

Nougat is a chewy confection made with roasted nuts and sugar or honey. There are a few different types of nougat. There is white nougat, brown nougat, and German/Viennese nougat. They are all made differently but I’m not going to tell you the differences between them. Stop being lazy and do your own research on nougat if you’re so fascinated by it. Anyway, a long time ago somebody discovered that nougat tasted good and they decided to combine it with chocolate and the world was changed for the better. Nobody knows who originally combined the two, so I’m just going to give credit to the Pope. You can decide which one.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 4, 2016 · 6:33 pm

Ripped Off by a Vending Machine

I was eating some buffalo wings in the break room at work. They were really spicy and I was started to sweat a little bit. I was too lazy to walk all the way back to the kitchen to get a glass of water, so I plopped four quarters into the vending machine for a can of Coke. I put in the money, entered the two digit code for the Coke, and eagerly awaited for it to fall down into the retrieval slot. The Coke never came. The machine ate my money. Needless to say, I was devastated. My world came crashing down all around me. I hate when I get ripped off by a vending machine. It makes me feel dirty and used. And it’s an inanimate object so it doesn’t fear my wrath. I was tempted to put in another dollar to see if I got two Cokes, but I was too worried about getting shafted again. It’s better to waste one dollar and not get a Coke than to waste two dollars and still not get any Cokes. I don’t trust vending machines anymore. My faith in them has been shattered.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 3, 2016 · 8:29 pm

Cheap Sunglasses

I got a black eye a few months ago. I covered it up with a pair of cheap sunglasses when I had to work. My black eye eventually went away, but the cheap sunglasses became part of my work wardrobe. They are my trademark now. My coworkers took notice and they started bringing me pairs of cheap sunglasses from various companies. They were all free glasses given away by various businesses to promote themselves. I have specs from Svedka, Smirnoff, Corona, Lagunitas, Jack Daniels, and Lyft to name a few. It was a collection that was never wanted but suddenly accumulated. It’s too late to turn back now. It’s weird because I don’t normally wear sunglasses outside of work. I’ll only rock a pair if I’m going to the beach or park for the day. I don’t wear them in my normal street attire. But they are on my face when I clock in and come off when I clock out. Everyone should have a pair of cheap sunglasses. Just make sure that they have UV protection. Any pair of sunglasses is completely worthless if they don’t block the sun. And never pay for a pair of designer sunglasses when you can raid the lost & found.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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