Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

No Hot Water

I knew today was going to suck when I first woke up and went to take a shower and there was no hot water. It was ice cold. Some people like cold showers. They find them refreshing. I’m not one of those people. I like my showers piping hot. I want to have visible steam leaving my body when I shut the water off. A few degrees short of scalding is ideal.

I had to get a little creative. I put a pot of water on the stove and brought it up to a near boil. Then I turned on the shower, dipped the shower scrunchie poof ball into the cold spray, added body wash, and quickly lathered up, shivering all the while. Then I turned off the tap and slowly poured the pot of hot water over my head and shoulders, letting gravity do the dirty work. It wasn’t the ideal situation but it got the job done. I was able to wake up a little bit more and stink a little bit less. Hopefully there will be hot water when I get home tonight or my landlord will feel my wrath.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Crosswalk Revolution

I was walking around downtown San Francisco and had to cross the street. I went to the crosswalk and waited for the light to change and for the little green guy telling me it’s ok to go. A couple of people came to wait behind me. The light still didn’t change. A few more people started waiting behind me. The light still didn’t change. I looked to the right. No cars were coming. I looked to the left. No cars were coming. A quick glance to the right, still no cars. So I started to cross the street. And the people behind me followed me. I lead a crosswalk revolution. We crossed the street in defiance of the light and the law. We could have been hit by a car or fined for jaywalking but the sky didn’t fall and nothing happened except for everyone getting to their destinations a little faster. Would I do it again? Absolutely. And I already have. I’m a badass like that.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Wrong Toilet Paper

I fucked up. I bought the wrong toilet paper. It could have been worse. At least I didn’t get one-ply. It’s two-ply but it’s not the proper grade. It’s the cheap kind that disintegrates with each wipe, creating dingleberries in its wake. I should have known that QQ Bear was an off brand, but I got duped by the cartoon bear on the packaging. It definitely isn’t Charmin quality. My butthole knows the difference. I will suffer through it until it’s gone and hopefully I won’t accidentally buy it again. You live, you learn.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Facial Hair

I would like to tell you about my facial hair. It won’t take long because I barely have any. I’m incapable of growing a beard or sideburns. My sideburns consist of six little hairs on both sides of my face. My beard consists of seven hairs scattered across my chin and one hair poking out of the top of my neck. The hairs don’t grow very fast either. I could let it grow for two months and they would still look like stubble. It’s actually faster for me to pluck my beard with tweezers than to shave it. I have a little bit of a soul patch under my bottom lip. It’s not much but it’s nicer looking than my beard. I can grow a mustache, but I don’t because it looks beyond sleazy. Not like ’70s porn star sleazy, like convicted child molester sleazy. I’ve been asked by multiple people to not participate in Movember. My facial hair offends them.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Perfect Job

I couldn’t fall asleep the other night. I was tossing and turning, my mind was wandering, and I inadvertently thought of the perfect job: caretaker for a rich person’s bomb shelter. Duties would include upkeep and maintenance, making sure it’s fully stocked with food, water, and supplies to last a few years. The richer the person, the more perks it would have like movies, books, music, video games, board games, basically anything needed to stave off boredom. That includes plenty of alcohol and hash oil.

The job would pay six figures because it’s a made up position and I think it should pay that much. It would allow for a comfortable lifestyle. Benefits are included of course. Medical, dental, 401(k), all that jazz. The best part is that if the apocalypse ever does happen, you simply take over the bomb shelter and lock the owner out before he can use it. You hunker down and enjoy the underground mansion and wait it out for a few years. Hopefully society will have collapsed and you won’t have to face any repercussions.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Urban Dictionary

Urban Dictionary is a website where users can define a word or term so that the uninformed can become informed of what the damn kids are saying these days. Not sure what thicc means? Go to urbandictionary.com to find out.

You can upvote or downvote definitions so the most popular ones are viewed first. I know this because I defined Novato, my hometown, over a decade ago and I’m still the number one definition. That’s impressive. I should put it on my resume, along with the time that I won HQ. But alas, I’m too modest so I’ll stick to humble bragging on my blog that nobody reads anymore.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Zoomies

You know when a dog gets super excited and starts zipping around all crazily? Those are the zoomies. It’s one of the best things dogs do (it’s hard to top unconditional love for their masters though). My dog gets the zoomies when we let him off leash at the park or beach and usually whenever me or my girlfriend comes home from a long day at work.

I always knew about the zoomies but I didn’t know there was a term for it until I discovered the subreddit dedicated to them on Reddit. You better believe I wasted a whole afternoon glued to my phone after that discovery. Life doesn’t get much better that watching hyper dogs running around excitedly. Happy dogs make happy people.

Dogs weren’t meant to stay cooped up all day. They need space to run and play and let out all their energy. They need the zoomies. Don’t deny them that. And make sure you record them so you can upload them to the internet and share them with the world. We all deserve to enjoy the zoomies.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Good Deed at Jack in the Box

I work at a corporate restaurant and have dealt with a lot of shitty customers. I bite my tongue and turn the other cheek because I have to. The end result is that I hate cheap people who do scummy things to get free food. A few months ago I was at Jack in the Box and there was an irate customer in front of me yelling at the teenaged cashier. From what I gathered, the customer was really upset that the cashier asked him if he wanted only an Ultimate Cheeseburger or the entire meal. The customer was going off, calling the cashier all sorts of nasty things.

Then the customer fucked up and asked me a question: “Hey buddy, wouldn’t you be upset if you clearly ordered one thing and they kept on trying to get you to buy more things that you don’t want?”

Finally I had a chance to voice my opinion to a shitty customer without getting into any trouble. I looked that asshole dead in the eye and said “First off, I’m not your buddy. And no, I wouldn’t be upset that he’s asking if I want to upgrade to the meal. That’s his job. You seem like the type of person who would also complain if he didn’t offer you the meal. You’re cheap, you’re rude, and you’re wrong.”

The guy didn’t seem to like my answer very much and called me an asshole. I told him he was an angry person. He went back to yelling at the cashier before he stomped away without buying anything. I went up to the cashier to order. He thanked me for having his back and gave me a coupon for a Jumbo Jack. I told him that it was my pleasure. I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time. Who knew that good deeds could be so satisfying?

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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I Won HQ

Well, it finally happened. I won HQ. For those out of the loop, HQ is a live daily trivia gameshow that you play on your smartphone. You try to answer all twelve questions correctly and the winners split the jackpot. The questions come in a variety of categories like sports, history, pop culture, science, etc. Every now and then they have a themed game.

Last night’s game was focused on the American version of The Office. I was stoked and had a feeling I would do well. I watched it while it was airing weekly on NBC. It’s one of my Netflix background shows. I’ve also seen tons of YouTube compilations like Dwight’s best moments and every “That’s what she said!” so I felt prepared. I even had an extra life for playing five days in a row. I was at my dive bar and we had a group of eight each playing on our own phone. I had an extra life and I was sandwiched between two diehard fans of The Office. I was set.

The game began and the first few questions were easy as they always are. What was the name of the company they work for? Which character wasn’t in the pilot? The questions got harder as the game went on. I got knocked off around question seven. That extra life came in handy and I am not ashamed to have used it. I got back in the game and got right back in a grove. Which character didn’t dress up like a cat at Halloween? Who passed out at the Christmas party?

Before I knew it everyone else that I was playing with was eliminated and it was just me left. Everyone gathered around my phone and we worked together to advance me forward. I got to question twelve and the world got quiet and time slowed down. Where did Jim and Pam have their first kiss? I thought it was on the booze cruise but my friend Debbie said it was after the Dundies which was hosted at a chain restaurant. I went with her answer and victory was mine. I got it right. I finally won after eleven months of playing HQ. I celebrated. My fellow players cheered. The bartender rang the bar bell. My friend from Miami texted me congratulations. I became an HQ champion! I won fourteen cents. I’m not sure how much it will be after taxes, but that doesn’t matter. I won HQ. I don’t have to play anymore!

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Hiking Boots

I hiked Yosemite’s iconic Half Dome in June. It’s an epic sixteen miles and good hiking boots are essential to conquer the Dome. I used the hike as an excuse to get a new pair. I went to Sports Basement and tried on a few before settling on the Tor Tech mid waterproof shoe by Hoka One One. They are great hiking boots. They provide a lot of ankle support, they are really comfortable, relatively lightweight, provide great traction over rough terrain, and are waterproof. They are a bit too bulky to be an everyday shoe, but they make you want to go hiking so you have an excuse to wear them. This isn’t an advertisement for Hoka One One, it’s just an ode to hiking boots in general.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bug Spray

I have eleven cans of bug spray in my house. That’s a lot of insect repellent. Most of them are slightly used and four of them are at least halfway gone. I don’t have a bug spray fetish. It’s not a collection. It’s an accumulation. I go hiking/camping a lot and always seem to forget to bring bug spray so then I have to make a pit stop and pick up a new can. I bring the can home and add it to my stash. It’s a vicious cycle. I haven’t gotten West Nile yet though, that’s gotta be worth something.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Your Hair Looks Nice Today

I overheard one of my coworkers saying “Your hair looks nice today!” to my manager. My manager thanked her. I don’t know why. “Your hair looks nice today” is not a real compliment. Why can’t her hair just be nice? Why did she have stress today? It’s the equivalent of saying that your hair is usually a mess but it looks good at this particular moment. It makes you question what your hair looks like on a daily basis. It’s like when someone comments that you’re in a good mood. That means you’re usually an asshole. You got to read between the lines. Not all compliments are compliments. Your hair looks nice today. Normally it doesn’t.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cursive

I spent the majority of third grade learning to write cursive alongside my classmates. We had to use cursive on every paper in fourth, fifth, and sixth grade. Then we got to seventh grade and we didn’t have to use it anymore. Papers were either typed or written in print. It’s been two decades since the last time I used cursive regularly.

I wrote my name in cursive today, just to see if I could still do it. I could. It looked sloppy but it was legible. I was actually a little impressed with myself. It became a bit of a game. I challenged my coworkers to write their names too. Most of them succeeded but there were a few spectacular failures.

Learning cursive was a huge waste of time. We should have learned how to code instead.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Three Thousand Meter Run

I went to a private school that was kindergarten through eighth grade. Once a year there was a school wide track and field day. All the students from grade 4-8 would choose two events and everyone had their moments to experience the glory of competition. The most popular events drew the best athletes, I thought I could cheat the system and get a medal by choosing a fringe event. Instead of competing against fifty kids in the hundred meter dash or high jump, I chose the three thousand meter run against six kids.

I was in fourth grade at the time, making me ten years old. I was the youngest one in the race, the others were all thirteen or fourteen and had been running the three thousand for years. They dominated me. I was so slow and they were so far ahead and there was no way I could beat them. I forget how many laps we had to complete but it was a lot, and that was a long time to know that I’m going to be in dead last. I just put my head down and kept on running around the track.

After a while I heard cheering. I thought someone finally won and it would be over soon. I kept running. I heard more cheering. I kept running. More cheers. And then my name. I realized that the cheers were for me. My fellow fourth graders were cheering for me, rooting me on. They didn’t care that I was clearly losing. They just didn’t want me to give up. I can’t remember how long it took me to cross the finish line but I did it and I did it because of them. It was a great feeling. Like something out of a Disney sports movie. I never ran the three thousand again. I never needed to. I already did it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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I Have Two Places in San Francisco

I moved into my girlfriend’s place a few weeks ago. It’s a big step in our relationship and our lives. Congratulations to us. It was not as smooth of a transition as it could have been because I still had to pay the last month’s rent for my old spot. It was a waste of eleven hundred bucks, but I technically have two residences in San Francisco right now. That’s twice as many as the average person. I believe that makes me a baller. I can either sleep downtown or retreat to my quieter house in the Presidio. I have options. I only have another week of dual residency and you can bet that I’ll be gloating as much as I can while I can. How many places do you have in San Francisco? Oh, I have two. Two places in San Francisco in 2018. That’s just how I roll. It’s more convenient than having one.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Josh

On June 29, 2017 my friend Josh passed away. I’ve dealt with death before. I’ve had grandparents die, friends from high school die, and pets die, but Josh’s passing hit me the most. He and his husband introduced me to my girlfriend and the four of us were supposed to grow old together. Instead Josh got sick and he was taken away from us. We were there when he went. We knew it was coming. We saw him go. I can’t describe the overwhelming rush of grief and devastation that washed over the room. It was crushing.

Josh had a lot of friends, so the lobby was full of people waiting and worrying about him. The people that couldn’t make it were calling and texting. I had to tell a lot of people that he was gone. I saw them break down and had to relive that terrible moment over and over again.

The next few hours were a blur, but time slogged on. Hours turned into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and now somehow it’s been a whole year since he’s been gone. It still doesn’t make sense to me. I’ll never understand why. I’ve learned a few things. Death is never easy. There’s no such thing as closure. All you can do is cry and tell stories and remember, and that’s still not enough to fill the void in your heart. Josh was a great person. I hate talking about him in the past tense, but he’s still a big part of my life. I miss my friend. I miss Josh.

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Portable Charger

I have an iPhone. That means I have terrible battery life. A few YouTube videos, one Snapchat, and two Facebook updates are enough to drain half of my battery, even in Low Power Mode. Luckily there is a solution: a portable charger. A portable charger is essentially a backup battery and it’s a lifesaver. I dropped thirty bucks on one a few weeks ago. I was hiking Half Dome in Yosemite and wanted to make sure my phone had enough juice to take plenty of pictures so I had to get one. It allows me to charge my phone up to three times before I have to recharge the charger. That’s good news for me, because I’m one of those anal people who can’t leave the house without being 100%. I dread a drained battery. Now I don’t have to worry about it. My charger also has two USB ports on it, meaning I can charge my vape at the same time. Not too shabby. The future is now.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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