Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

Secret Shoppers Suck

So I work at a corporate restaurant as a server and bartender. I’ve been there for 11+ years. They have Secret Shoppers, which basically means that once a month a private company would send in spies posing as customers to make sure that the employee hits all the proper steps of service. Did the server mention a specific cocktail, appetizer, entree, dessert, ask if they were a club member, etc…

Well, long story short: I got Secret Shopped. And I failed. It’s my fault for not hitting all the steps of service, but the Secret Shoppers are normally pretty obvious and these ones were not. I got a final written warning so I could get fired if I fail again. That’s all on me, that’s fine, I have another job. But my general manager also got a final written warning because our restaurant failed two months in a row. His job is in jeopardy because I didn’t do mine. I wrote him an email and apologized.

The Secret Shopper system is to blame. Yeah, it makes sense from a corporate standpoint but it’s a terrible way to run a restaurant. People go out to eat to enjoy themselves. They don’t want their server to harass them into buying souvenir glassware, to add guacamole to their nachos for an additional charge, to tell them to buy a shirt, to upgrade their fries to cheesy bacon fries, to save room for dessert, to sign up for our membership program, to round up your check for charity. I literally have to do all that stuff to pass the Secret Shopper. I have to bug 99% of my tables on the slight chance that one of them is a Secret Shopper.

Secret Shoppers aren’t professional spies. They are bored people who sign up for the program so they can eat at for free in exchange for writing a report. They can get people fired for this. I get that I deserve to. My boss doesn’t though. His livelihood is threatened because a random couple wanted free food. Hope those chicken tenders were worth it. Secret Shoppers suck.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sneeze Emphasizer

There’s a guy that I worked with that I really respected. He seemed very professional yet personal. Friendly personality, responsible, reliable, smart but not arrogant… basically a coworker you actually want to work with. I respected him because I thought he was well kept and had everything together. And then I heard him sneeze and realized the sad truth. He is a sneeze emphasizer.

He can’t just sneeze. He has to vocalize it and draw attention to himself. He makes a weird sound when he inhales to preface the sneeze and signal it’s arrival. Then the sneeze itself is accompanied with an actual achoo. He uses his vocal chords and there’s a verbal achoo. He’s not saying “Achoo!” He’s actively amplifying the sound to be as loud as possible.

It’s physical. He uses his full body. He leans back, flails his arms, and whips his head forward as he sneezes. He’ll pause for a second or two to see if he can get a “Bless you!” or “Gesundheit!” and sneeze again and again until he gets one. It’s not allergies. It’s attention.

I can’t respect myself if I respect a sneeze emphasizer. I don’t need that type of negativity in my life.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Where’s the Entrance?

I was ringing in an order at work a few days ago when a customer came up to me and asked, “Where’s the entrance?” I had to do a double take and asked her to repeat her question. “Where’s the entrance?” My mind went to a million different places. Where’s the entrance? What the fuck do you mean? You’re already inside. Why do you need the entrance? And how the hell did you get in here? I didn’t say any of those things. I put a fake smile on my face and walked her to the entrance. Then I went around making fun of her. They say there are no stupid questions. But there are a hell of a lot of stupid people.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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She’s Got Things She’s Bad At That Are Less Obvious

I was walking down the street and I passed by a trio of British guys sitting in front of a cafe having lunch. I overheard a snippet of their conversation and it was delightful. One of the guys had starting seeing a girl recently and evidently she was a catch because his friends seemed impressed that he had landed someone so attractive. One of the friends said that she was perfect, to which the guy responded, “She’s not perfect. She’s got things she’s bad at that are less obvious.”

Let me repeat that: She’s got things she’s bad at that are less obvious. What a great statement. It’s such a nice way of criticizing someone. I’d almost take it as a compliment. It could be a bumper sticker. It’s definitely a phrase that I’m going to use from here on out.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Don’t know what pic to use, so here you go

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Hide-and-Seek

Hide-and-seek is a popular game for children of all ages. The rules are simple. Someone hides and someone seeks. It’s a timeless game. You played it. Your parents played it. Your grandparents played it. Even kids today have been known to stop playing Fortnite for a few minutes to play a few rounds of hide-and-seek.

Kids mostly play it on playgrounds and schoolyards. Angsty teens play it in graveyards at midnight. I’m thirty-something and I play it in my apartment. Seriously. Me and my girlfriend have started playing hide-and-seek in our apartment, but there’s a twist. We play with our dog. My girlfriend will distract the dog while I hide somewhere. Then she releases the pup and he runs around trying to find me and gets really excited when he does. Then I hold the dog while my girlfriend hides. He prefers running around the park or going crazy at the beach, but he enjoys hide-and-seek when he can’t go outside. He’s getting pretty good at it. The only problem is that he thinks we are going to hide whenever we leave the room to go to the bathroom or grab something from the fridge and gives us the stink eye.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Fair Weather Fans

I was born a San Francisco Giants fan. Win or lose, they are my team and nothing can change that. They famously won three World Series in five years and suddenly Giants games were constantly being sold out. Tickets became more and more expensive and overpriced. But then the Giants started to suck. They’ve been one of the worst teams in baseball since the second half of the 2016 season. I would be disappointed by this, but it’s a blessing in disguise. It weeds out all the fair weather fans and makes games affordable again.

Losing all the fair weather fans has been a boon to my wallet. I can get two tickets to club level for less than twenty dollars with fees. I can get two nosebleed tickets for less than ten bucks. Giants tickets are cheaper than A’s tickets right now. That’s pretty amazing. I went to my first Giants game of the season a few nights ago. The stadium was half empty. It was glorious. Every single person that was there was a real fan. The energy was more genuine despite there being fewer people. Quality over quantity. Good riddance to fake fans.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Plastic Drinking Straw Ban

Attention fellow residents of San Francisco: the plastic drinking straw ban officially comes into effect in July. I can’t wait. I’ve been serving and bartending for over a decade and can attest to how wasteful they are. People are weird about straws when they go out. They want them served with every soda and cocktail they order. They expect them. They demand them. It doesn’t matter that they don’t use straws at home, as soon as they leave the house they want all the straws they can get.

I’m in public. I can’t tilt the glass and take a sip. That’s barbaric. I need a plastic tube that I can throw away after one use. Fuck you, turtle. I hope it gets stuck in your nose and you die a slow, painful, and entirely unnecessary death. “Barkeep, another straw! And keep them coming!”

Americans are addicted to making trash. Banning plastic straws is a good thing. Let’s ban the Kardashians next.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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No Hot Water

I knew today was going to suck when I first woke up and went to take a shower and there was no hot water. It was ice cold. Some people like cold showers. They find them refreshing. I’m not one of those people. I like my showers piping hot. I want to have visible steam leaving my body when I shut the water off. A few degrees short of scalding is ideal.

I had to get a little creative. I put a pot of water on the stove and brought it up to a near boil. Then I turned on the shower, dipped the shower scrunchie poof ball into the cold spray, added body wash, and quickly lathered up, shivering all the while. Then I turned off the tap and slowly poured the pot of hot water over my head and shoulders, letting gravity do the dirty work. It wasn’t the ideal situation but it got the job done. I was able to wake up a little bit more and stink a little bit less. Hopefully there will be hot water when I get home tonight or my landlord will feel my wrath.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Crosswalk Revolution

I was walking around downtown San Francisco and had to cross the street. I went to the crosswalk and waited for the light to change and for the little green guy telling me it’s ok to go. A couple of people came to wait behind me. The light still didn’t change. A few more people started waiting behind me. The light still didn’t change. I looked to the right. No cars were coming. I looked to the left. No cars were coming. A quick glance to the right, still no cars. So I started to cross the street. And the people behind me followed me. I lead a crosswalk revolution. We crossed the street in defiance of the light and the law. We could have been hit by a car or fined for jaywalking but the sky didn’t fall and nothing happened except for everyone getting to their destinations a little faster. Would I do it again? Absolutely. And I already have. I’m a badass like that.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Wrong Toilet Paper

I fucked up. I bought the wrong toilet paper. It could have been worse. At least I didn’t get one-ply. It’s two-ply but it’s not the proper grade. It’s the cheap kind that disintegrates with each wipe, creating dingleberries in its wake. I should have known that QQ Bear was an off brand, but I got duped by the cartoon bear on the packaging. It definitely isn’t Charmin quality. My butthole knows the difference. I will suffer through it until it’s gone and hopefully I won’t accidentally buy it again. You live, you learn.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Facial Hair

I would like to tell you about my facial hair. It won’t take long because I barely have any. I’m incapable of growing a beard or sideburns. My sideburns consist of six little hairs on both sides of my face. My beard consists of seven hairs scattered across my chin and one hair poking out of the top of my neck. The hairs don’t grow very fast either. I could let it grow for two months and they would still look like stubble. It’s actually faster for me to pluck my beard with tweezers than to shave it. I have a little bit of a soul patch under my bottom lip. It’s not much but it’s nicer looking than my beard. I can grow a mustache, but I don’t because it looks beyond sleazy. Not like ’70s porn star sleazy, like convicted child molester sleazy. I’ve been asked by multiple people to not participate in Movember. My facial hair offends them.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Perfect Job

I couldn’t fall asleep the other night. I was tossing and turning, my mind was wandering, and I inadvertently thought of the perfect job: caretaker for a rich person’s bomb shelter. Duties would include upkeep and maintenance, making sure it’s fully stocked with food, water, and supplies to last a few years. The richer the person, the more perks it would have like movies, books, music, video games, board games, basically anything needed to stave off boredom. That includes plenty of alcohol and hash oil.

The job would pay six figures because it’s a made up position and I think it should pay that much. It would allow for a comfortable lifestyle. Benefits are included of course. Medical, dental, 401(k), all that jazz. The best part is that if the apocalypse ever does happen, you simply take over the bomb shelter and lock the owner out before he can use it. You hunker down and enjoy the underground mansion and wait it out for a few years. Hopefully society will have collapsed and you won’t have to face any repercussions.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Urban Dictionary

Urban Dictionary is a website where users can define a word or term so that the uninformed can become informed of what the damn kids are saying these days. Not sure what thicc means? Go to urbandictionary.com to find out.

You can upvote or downvote definitions so the most popular ones are viewed first. I know this because I defined Novato, my hometown, over a decade ago and I’m still the number one definition. That’s impressive. I should put it on my resume, along with the time that I won HQ. But alas, I’m too modest so I’ll stick to humble bragging on my blog that nobody reads anymore.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Zoomies

You know when a dog gets super excited and starts zipping around all crazily? Those are the zoomies. It’s one of the best things dogs do (it’s hard to top unconditional love for their masters though). My dog gets the zoomies when we let him off leash at the park or beach and usually whenever me or my girlfriend comes home from a long day at work.

I always knew about the zoomies but I didn’t know there was a term for it until I discovered the subreddit dedicated to them on Reddit. You better believe I wasted a whole afternoon glued to my phone after that discovery. Life doesn’t get much better that watching hyper dogs running around excitedly. Happy dogs make happy people.

Dogs weren’t meant to stay cooped up all day. They need space to run and play and let out all their energy. They need the zoomies. Don’t deny them that. And make sure you record them so you can upload them to the internet and share them with the world. We all deserve to enjoy the zoomies.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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My Good Deed at Jack in the Box

I work at a corporate restaurant and have dealt with a lot of shitty customers. I bite my tongue and turn the other cheek because I have to. The end result is that I hate cheap people who do scummy things to get free food. A few months ago I was at Jack in the Box and there was an irate customer in front of me yelling at the teenaged cashier. From what I gathered, the customer was really upset that the cashier asked him if he wanted only an Ultimate Cheeseburger or the entire meal. The customer was going off, calling the cashier all sorts of nasty things.

Then the customer fucked up and asked me a question: “Hey buddy, wouldn’t you be upset if you clearly ordered one thing and they kept on trying to get you to buy more things that you don’t want?”

Finally I had a chance to voice my opinion to a shitty customer without getting into any trouble. I looked that asshole dead in the eye and said “First off, I’m not your buddy. And no, I wouldn’t be upset that he’s asking if I want to upgrade to the meal. That’s his job. You seem like the type of person who would also complain if he didn’t offer you the meal. You’re cheap, you’re rude, and you’re wrong.”

The guy didn’t seem to like my answer very much and called me an asshole. I told him he was an angry person. He went back to yelling at the cashier before he stomped away without buying anything. I went up to the cashier to order. He thanked me for having his back and gave me a coupon for a Jumbo Jack. I told him that it was my pleasure. I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time. Who knew that good deeds could be so satisfying?

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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I Won HQ

Well, it finally happened. I won HQ. For those out of the loop, HQ is a live daily trivia gameshow that you play on your smartphone. You try to answer all twelve questions correctly and the winners split the jackpot. The questions come in a variety of categories like sports, history, pop culture, science, etc. Every now and then they have a themed game.

Last night’s game was focused on the American version of The Office. I was stoked and had a feeling I would do well. I watched it while it was airing weekly on NBC. It’s one of my Netflix background shows. I’ve also seen tons of YouTube compilations like Dwight’s best moments and every “That’s what she said!” so I felt prepared. I even had an extra life for playing five days in a row. I was at my dive bar and we had a group of eight each playing on our own phone. I had an extra life and I was sandwiched between two diehard fans of The Office. I was set.

The game began and the first few questions were easy as they always are. What was the name of the company they work for? Which character wasn’t in the pilot? The questions got harder as the game went on. I got knocked off around question seven. That extra life came in handy and I am not ashamed to have used it. I got back in the game and got right back in a grove. Which character didn’t dress up like a cat at Halloween? Who passed out at the Christmas party?

Before I knew it everyone else that I was playing with was eliminated and it was just me left. Everyone gathered around my phone and we worked together to advance me forward. I got to question twelve and the world got quiet and time slowed down. Where did Jim and Pam have their first kiss? I thought it was on the booze cruise but my friend Debbie said it was after the Dundies which was hosted at a chain restaurant. I went with her answer and victory was mine. I got it right. I finally won after eleven months of playing HQ. I celebrated. My fellow players cheered. The bartender rang the bar bell. My friend from Miami texted me congratulations. I became an HQ champion! I won fourteen cents. I’m not sure how much it will be after taxes, but that doesn’t matter. I won HQ. I don’t have to play anymore!

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Hiking Boots

I hiked Yosemite’s iconic Half Dome in June. It’s an epic sixteen miles and good hiking boots are essential to conquer the Dome. I used the hike as an excuse to get a new pair. I went to Sports Basement and tried on a few before settling on the Tor Tech mid waterproof shoe by Hoka One One. They are great hiking boots. They provide a lot of ankle support, they are really comfortable, relatively lightweight, provide great traction over rough terrain, and are waterproof. They are a bit too bulky to be an everyday shoe, but they make you want to go hiking so you have an excuse to wear them. This isn’t an advertisement for Hoka One One, it’s just an ode to hiking boots in general.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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