Monthly Archives: January 2019

The Wrong Toilet Paper

I fucked up. I bought the wrong toilet paper. It could have been worse. At least I didn’t get one-ply. It’s two-ply but it’s not the proper grade. It’s the cheap kind that disintegrates with each wipe, creating dingleberries in its wake. I should have known that QQ Bear was an off brand, but I got duped by the cartoon bear on the packaging. It definitely isn’t Charmin quality. My butthole knows the difference. I will suffer through it until it’s gone and hopefully I won’t accidentally buy it again. You live, you learn.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Random Rants

My Facial Hair

I would like to tell you about my facial hair. It won’t take long because I barely have any. I’m incapable of growing a beard or sideburns. My sideburns consist of six little hairs on both sides of my face. My beard consists of seven hairs scattered across my chin and one hair poking out of the top of my neck. The hairs don’t grow very fast either. I could let it grow for two months and they would still look like stubble. It’s actually faster for me to pluck my beard with tweezers than to shave it. I have a little bit of a soul patch under my bottom lip. It’s not much but it’s nicer looking than my beard. I can grow a mustache, but I don’t because it looks beyond sleazy. Not like ’70s porn star sleazy, like convicted child molester sleazy. I’ve been asked by multiple people to not participate in Movember. My facial hair offends them.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Reflections on Maui

What’s better than vacation? A Hawaiian vacation of course. I just came back from a week basking on the beautiful beaches of Maui. I went with my girlfriend and one of our best friends. I had been to Maui once before with my family when I was a senior in high school, but this time I was in control of the situation. We were going to do things our way. Naturally that means we did a bunch of touristy things.

We went snorkeling. We went whale watching. We shopped on Front Street in Lahaina. We drove the scenic Road to Hana. We jumped off Black Rock. We went to a luau. We ate Spam and I had shaved ice. We stayed in a shitty hotel one night, camped illegally on the beach another night, but stayed in posh resorts the rest of the time. We saw turtles and whales and wild chickens and I even saw a small shark.

The weather was perfect. It was usually eighty degrees or so during the day. It rained a few times but it was always welcome. The night sky was stunning. I saw more stars than I’ve seen in years.

Maui is relatively small but there is a lot to do. We only hit half of our checklist. We did Molokini but not Haleakalā. We rented a car but not bikes. We hiked in the jungle but didn’t go zip lining. I don’t mind not doing everything we wanted to. It gives me a reason to go back.

The worst thing about Maui is coming home. Real life is a drag. All I can think about is how much better life was a week ago with the sand beneath my toes. I’ll be back there again as soon as I can. Next time might be forever though.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Entertainment