Tag Archives: open

Door Code

My roommates and I have an unwritten door policy. We leave our bedroom doors wide open if we are feeling social. That means we are welcome to walk right on in and have a party. We have them closed halfway or slightly ajar if we want a little bit of privacy. That means we knock once or twice to announce our presence before entering the room. If our doors are opened just a crack, that means you knock, call their name, and wait for approval before any further action. If there’s no response, there’s no entry. When the door is fully shut, it means do not disturb. Don’t knock, don’t come in, it is closed for a reason. We have nothing to hide until we do. The door code is key and crucial to avoiding conflicts with the roommates. An open door is an open invitation. A closed door means fuck off. It’s not that hard. I suggest you implement the door code in your household today. By the way, my roommate gave me the idea for this blog post. My door was closed at the time. Just text me next time, bro.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Open-Door

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Opening Doors with Overly Lotioned Hands

I got a little too much sun over the weekend and I got a little burnt. Now I’m starting to peel. I don’t like going out into public look reptilian, so I decided to put on some lotion. Then I put on a little more. Then some more after that. I put on too much because I couldn’t get enough grip on the doorknob to turn it. My hands were too moist. I was trapped in my room for couple of minutes until my hands were dry and fully functional. It took me twenty-nine years, but I’ve finally realized that opening doors with overly lotioned hands is nigh impossible. It’s best to leave the door slightly ajar before applying lotion (unless you’re thirteen years old and have a dirty magazine, in which case you should close the door and double check that it’s locked).

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

door-knob

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Opening Your Mouth Too Early At The Dentist

It’s time for your biannual dental checkup and you’re waiting in the reception room. The assistant calls your name and guides you into a small room with a chair. You climb into the chair, and then she puts a little bib on you and lowers the back of the chair. You settle into position as she readies all the tools and bits of torture for the dentist to use. Once she is all prepped, she leaves the room and tells you that the dentist will be right with you. You wait in awkward silence for a few minutes, alternating between fumbling with your phone and watching an unfamiliar daytime talk show with poorly typed closed captioning. At long last the dentist enters and asks how you’re doing as he looks over your records. He finally comes over and stands by your chair, and you automatically open your mouth. You realize a second later that he’s not ready to start and that your mouth is gaping for no reason. Opening your mouth too early at the dentist is a reflex. And it makes you feel stupid because your mouth instinctively gapes open whenever he gets close. It’s uncontrollable. It makes it impossible to hold a conversation with him. It’s hard to talk with your mouth wide open.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

SUN0319N-Dentist

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Walking Around With Your Backpack Open

You’re in kind of a rush, so you grab your shit and throw it into your backpack and run out the door. When you finally get to your destination and take off your backpack, you realize that it was unzipped the whole time and you were just lucky that you didn’t lose anything. Walking around with your backpack open is a weird feeling. You feel exposed and vulnerable and you wonder why no one said anything to warn you. It’s because people are assholes and they only pretend to be nice to their friends, they couldn’t care less about a douche walking around with his backpack open.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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