Monthly Archives: October 2013

October 31, 2013 · 8:58 am

Parking Spot

A parking spot is a spot where you park your car. You usually find parking spots in garages, parking lots, and on the side of the road. A parking spot is a precious commodity, especially in a big city. Drivers will go through great lengths to find a good parking spot. A driver might circle the same two blocks for forty-five minutes in a futile attempt to find a spot. A good parking spot is something to fight over. It’s not uncommon for two frustrated drivers to start yelling or throw fists over a few feet of asphalt. Earlier today I went to the neighborhood mom and pop shop to buy some groceries. The cashier greeted me when I walked in, I walked around and gathered my items, but she was gone when I went to pay. I wondered where she disappeared to and then she came running in from the street, apologizing and explaining that she saw a good parking spot open up outside and she had to take it. Perfectly understandable. Parking spots are like opportunities… you have to take them when you can.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 31, 2013 · 8:56 am

Foot Fetish

Do you like feet? Do you think they are sexy? Do they make you hard? Do they make you wet? Do you enjoy sucking on toes? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you probably have a foot fetish. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just not normal and people think that you are weird. There are lots of successful people that have a sexual fascination with feet, but Quentin Tarantino is the only one who comes to mind. Watch any of his films and it’s quite apparent that he has a minor obsession with feet (especially Uma Thurman’s gigantic feet). I think that we should stop calling it a foot fetish and start calling it a feetish. That combines two words into one word, and it has the added bonus of being a pun. Plus it’s fun to say. Feetish. Simply delightful.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 30, 2013 · 12:07 pm

Top 8

I remember a time before Facebook, back when social networking was still in its infancy, there was a site called MySpace. It was a place for friends. And you would analyze your friends, select your favorite eight and rank them, and then you would display them prominently in your Top 8 on your profile. Most people had hundreds of friends, so it was a big honor to make it to someone’s Top 8. And it was a huge insult if you didn’t make the cut (especially if they were in your Top 8. The Top 8 caused a lot of animosity between friends. So MySpace later expanded it to the Top 16. But by then it was too late and Facebook was already taking over the world. Now MySpace and LiveJournal are living under an overpass reminiscing about the good old days. I kind of miss the Top 8. You knew where you stood in life.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 30, 2013 · 12:05 pm

Sunkist Strawberry Soda

Sunkist Strawberry Soda is a strawberry flavored soda. It has a good amount of strawberry-sugar sweetness. It might be a little too sweet to satisfy your thirst. It’s kind of like drinking a liquid Jolly Rancher. I don’t see strawberry soda that often, so I feel obliged to get it when I do. I wouldn’t get a six-pack, but I might buy a 20oz bottle for ninety-nine cents. That’s what I did today, and it’s been working out pretty well so far. It will never be in my top twenty-five sodas, but it’s nice to mix up your choices every now and then. Variety is the spice of life after all.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 29, 2013 · 1:38 pm

A Bad Cover of Your Favorite Song

Nothing makes you want to puncture your own eardrums with a dull pencil more than a bad cover of your favorite song. Your favorite song means something to you. It’s sacred. It’s something to honor and respect. The last thing that you want to hear is some no-talent singer screeching his way through the lyrics, backed by an off-pitch band playing out of sync. Your favorite song becomes unrecognizable, it becomes a tragedy, it becomes a farce, a joke, a disappointment. You can never unhear a bad cover of your favorite song. It lingers in the back of your mind, tainting the original album version and ruining it slightly. Maybe that’s why so many people hate karaoke.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 29, 2013 · 1:29 pm

World War Hulk (comic)

World War Hulk is a comic book storyline and the sequel to Planet Hulk. The Hulk returns to Earth to get his revenge on the Illuminati (Iron Man, Mr. Fantastic, the Black Bolt, and Doctor Strange) for banishing him from Earth and for detonating a bomb that killed his alien wife and unborn child. Remember: the angrier the Hulk gets, the stronger he gets. And right now he’s pretty pissed off and rightfully so. The Hulk wants justice and anyone who stands in his way is his enemy. The Illuminati have to resort to some desperate measures in order to stop the green monster, but the Hulk has never been angrier (and therefore, he’s never been more powerful).

Writer Greg Pak and penciller John Romita, Jr. tell a tale of revenge and redemption. The Hulk’s rage has the potential to destroy the world. World War Hulk is an entertaining follow-up to Planet Hulk, but it’s not nearly as good. It answers a few lingering questions from Planet Hulk, but it’s not as epic. It’s a shorter story, and it seems rushed at times. It’s still entertaining though. There are a lot of entertaining moments, but nothing compares to the climax where the Hulk releases his full fury and the world seems completely fucked.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 28, 2013 · 9:00 am

Going Slower Than You Usually Do

Not too many things are as frustrating as when you’re going slower than you usually do. You’re doing a task that you do all the time. You know exactly how to do it. You know how long it should take to finish the job. And then some outside force starts dragging you down and holding you back. It’s like driving to work in the rain, you know the best way to get there but the slick roads and idiot drivers are making you late. It’s not your fault but there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s infuriating when you’re not in control. You think that you should have already been done by now, and it makes you mad that you aren’t yet.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 28, 2013 · 8:57 am

Emergen-C

I grab a few packets of Emergen-C every time I start sniffling and sneezing. Emergen-C is a powdered drink mix that contains a shitload of Vitamin C. Like a single packet has 1000 milligrams of Vitamin C. That’s 1667% of your recommended daily value. And they suggest taking it twice a day. That’s 3334%. That’s a whole lot of Vitamin C. It’s even more effective if you mix it with orange juice. If that doesn’t kick your cold’s ass, nothing will. It comes in a variety of flavors, like Super Orange, Tangerine, Raspberry, Lemon-Lime, Cranberry-Pomegranate, Pink Lemonade, Triple Berry… there are more but I never see them in stores so I don’t think that they are real. I tell friends to try Emergen-C whenever they are starting to feel a cold coming on. I’m not trying to help them; I just like telling people what to do.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 27, 2013 · 11:56 am

Legless Lizards

Legless lizards are lizards with no legs. They look exactly like snakes. But scientists insist that they are legless lizards. A legless lizard is different from a snake because they either have eyelids, external ear holes, or a lack of broad belly scales. But I think that the scientists are just being stubborn. If it looks like a snake, it’s a snake. Let’s not complicate things with mere technicalities.

But if legless lizards do exist, we should do something to help them. I mean they have no legs. They can’t move very far or very fast. Maybe we should all invest in prosthetic lizard legs or lizard wheel chairs. If everybody picked up just one legless lizard each day, and carried them just a few feet, we could make the world a better place. For the legless lizards and for all of us.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 27, 2013 · 11:53 am

Handkerchief

A handkerchief is a piece of fabric that you use to wipe for hygienic purposes. But it’s not very hygienic. At all. It’s kind of like a Kleenex made of reusable cloth. Once upon a time, someone decided that a designated mucus towel is somehow classy and fancy, and society went along with it. But they didn’t fool me. I don’t see much of a difference between using a handkerchief and using your hand to blow your nose and putting the phlegm directly into your pocket. If you have a runny nose, you should just grab a tissue and then throw it away. Handkerchiefs make no sense. You don’t wipe your ass and reuse the toilet paper the next time you have to shit. A handkerchief is essentially a glorified snot rag that you put back into your pocket after you blow your nose. And that’s fucking gross, bro.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 26, 2013 · 8:59 am

Planet Hulk (comic)

Planet Hulk is a storyline from Marvel Comics focusing on everybody’s favorite green monster (sorry Shrek, you got nothing on Hulk). It’s written by Greg Pak with artwork by Carlo Pagulayan. It’s a pretty long story, spanning Incredible Hulk #92-105 and also including Giant-Size Hulk #1. I’ve never read any Hulk comics before this one, and this was a great one to start with. You don’t need to know much about the Hulk’s backstory to enjoy it. Most of the characters are new, so you learn about them as the Hulk does (although the Silver Surfer makes a brief appearance).

So basically the Hulk crashlands on a planet that resembles ancient Rome called Sakaar. Sakaar is run by the ruthless Red King, whose hobbies include slavery, genocide, gladiatorial combat, and absolute power. The Hulk gets sold into slavery and becomes a gladiator and has a chance to ultimately gain his freedom. Hulk reluctantly forms an alliance with a few other gladiators, and together they find the strength to survive. Along the way, they start to inspire the other slaves and repressed citizens of Sakaar, causing them to rise up and revolt. Imagine Gladiator, but with Hulk instead of Russell Crowe and you’ve got the right idea.

Planet Hulk is a fun read, and it leads right into World War Hulk. Marvel knows how to get you hooked. This is a great story, even if you don’t like comics.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 26, 2013 · 8:55 am

Mooning People

Mooning people isn’t very mature, but it’s funnier than hell. Mooning is when you show your bare ass to an unsuspecting victim. I used to moon people a lot when I was younger. I don’t do it anymore. Once you’re over the age of eighteen it can be considered indecent exposure and that doesn’t look so great on the resume. There are a lot of reasons to moon someone. You can moon someone as a joke, you can moon them for revenge, you can moon them just because you feel like it. If you decide to moon somebody, make sure that your victim doesn’t have a stick in their hand. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 25, 2013 · 9:59 am

Don’t Step On a Crack

There’s an old playground saying that goes something like: Don’t step on a crack, or you’ll break your mother’s back. This terrified me as a kid. I jumped over every single sidewalk crack and break in the asphalt. I loved my mother (I still do), I didn’t want her to break her back. And I sure as hell didn’t want to be the one responsible for breaking her back. The guilt and the hospital bills would kill me. I grew up and stopped being OCD about it, but every now and then I will purposely avoid stepping on a crack just in case. She still hasn’t broken her back, so it must be working a little bit.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 25, 2013 · 9:56 am

Now & Later Wild Fruits

Now & Later is a brand of long lasting fruit chew candies. They typically come in a pack of 18 pieces with three different flavors. The Now & Later Wild Fruit chews come in Tropical Punch, Wildberry, and Watermelon flavors. Tropical Punch comes in a yellow wrapper, but the candy inside is red. Wildberry has a blue wrapper, but the candy is purple. And the Watermelon has a green wrapper with a pink candy inside, mimicking an actual watermelon. Nothing is as it seems. They are all really fruity, sweet, and have exaggerated, exciting flavors. These are kind of a kid’s candy. You don’t see too many adult chewing on Now & Laters. They stain your tongue and dye your spit. They could potentially rip out a filling. But they taste good and make me nostalgic for my childhood. I don’t see them much these days, so I’ll grab a pack whenever I come across them in a shop.

Critically Rated at 1417

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 24, 2013 · 1:15 pm

Stone Suede Imperial Porter

California’s Stone Brewing Co. presents Suede Imperial Porter, a limited batch ale brewed with calendula flowers, jasmine and honey. I don’t know why they call it Suede. It doesn’t smell like leather and it doesn’t taste like leather. It has a roasty and chocolaty aroma with fruity floral scents. It has a roasted malt flavor, and I can also taste chocolate, coffee, brown sugar, jasmine, lavender, and hops. It’s kind of a sweet porter with just little bitterness thrown in to balance it out. I’ve had better porters, but not many. It also has a hefty 9.6% alcohol content, enough to put a couple of hairs on your chest. I wouldn’t recommend chugging it, this is a beer that you sip on and savor. I would get it again. Too bad it’s only around for a few more weeks.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 24, 2013 · 1:13 pm

Peeling Off a Band-Aid

Peeling off a Band-Aid hurts more than getting hurt. You get cut, you get a Band-Aid, you apply it to the wound, you wait a couple of days, and then you try to peel it off. But the adhesive that they use is designed to latch onto your body hair and rip it out. You can take your time and slowly peel off the Band-Aid and prolong your agony, or you can pull it off with one swift motion and potentially rip off your scab, which would require another Band-Aid and you repeat the cycle. Peeling off a Band-Aid is like unwrapping a Christmas present, except you expose a festering wound instead of getting something you want.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 23, 2013 · 1:51 pm

Meh

Meh is the perfect response for when somebody asks you something that you don’t care about. If you’re not hungry and Dave asks what you want for lunch, you might respond with a “Meh.” It’s dismissive but not overly rude. It’s a way of saying that you’re on the negative side of neutral on the subject and that you’re bored by the question. It’s primarily an interjection of indifference, but it can also be used as an adjective to describe something mediocre: “the school play was meh.” Meh is a powerful word. It should be used more often in everyday conversations (and not just by fans of The Simpsons). I was hoping that this post would be a little better, but it turned out kind of meh. Oh well.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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