You have the day off to lounge around the house and catch up on chores and errands. You do laundry, wash that stack of dishes that’s been neglected in the sink, pay a couple of bills, and now you can just crack open a beer and catch up on your TV shows. A few hours into your marathon and that nagging feeling that you didn’t do something creeps up on you. It’s something unimportant enough to forget, and still important enough to sort of remember. But what the hell is it? Knowing you have something to do but forgetting what is was is enough to keep you awake at night. Hopefully it’s not work related and you’re just screwing over a friend or family member. I can always lose a friend but I can’t afford to lose my job right now.
Check out a video compilation of fails the next time you have a few minutes to kill or if you’re feeling depressed. Just go to YouTube and search for “Fails.” You’ll instantly be transported to a world of stupid teenagers, bad drivers, terrible stuntmen, and enough cringe-worthy failures and embarrassments. It’s like America’s Funniest Home Videos without a laugh track or censor. You get to laugh as random people get hurt and humiliated. It’s like bullying without the guilt thanks to the anonymity of the internet. It will make you feel better. You might have had an argument with a friend but at least you didn’t break your arm trying to jump out of a moving Jeep onto a trampoline. See, things aren’t so bad after all. Fail Videos are one of the best ways to kill time on the internet. They are why YouTube was invented.
The Walking Dead’s Glenn is the most important Asian character of all time. He’s not a cliché. He’s an important Asian character because he’s an important character who happens to be Asian. Neither the show nor the comic ever resorts to stereotypes. He doesn’t do martial arts. He doesn’t show off his math skills. He’s not a bad driver. He doesn’t wear thick glasses and speak with a thicker accent. He’s a survivor like Rick but he’s stronger than Rick. He doesn’t become corrupted. In fact, he becomes a better person in the zombie apocalypse: he was a loser and a failure before the walkers came. Then he discovered that he was a survivor and capable of almost anything. He saved Rick’s life and brought him to the group. He gets supplies and constantly risks his life to protect the group. He even gets a white girlfriend that he gets to have sex with (Jet Li didn’t even get to kiss Aaliyah in Romeo Must Die). They rely on him. He isn’t the leader, but he’s still a leader. And he’s probably the most popular character on one of the most popular TV shows of all time. Glenn is more responsible for the upsurge in Asian pride than Jeremy Lin. Props to actor Steven Yeun for bringing Glenn to life and thanks to Robert Kirkman for creating the character.
Morpheus has a unique family tree. He is one of seven siblings known as the Endless. They are the embodiments of Destiny, Death, Dream, Destruction, Desire, Despair, and Delirium. They are more powerful than gods and they each have a task to do (coincidently they have to do what their name implies). And then one day, Destruction decided that he’s had enough and abandoned his realm and his family. After 300 years, Delirium realizes that she misses she misses her older brother, thus setting in motion the events of Brief Lives.
Brief Lives is the seventh volume of Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman. It collects issues #41-49. This volume humanizes Dream more than the other installments. He’s moping and feeling sorry for himself after his girlfriend dumps him, when Delirium asks him to help find Destruction. He only agrees to go with Delirium to distract himself, and he gradually gets emotionally invested with the journey. He is changing but he refuses to acknowledge it, even when others point it out to him.
Dream and Delirium embark on one of the weirdest road trips in literary history, trying to track down characters that know where Destruction is hiding. The problem is that everyone they’re trying to track down keep getting killed, an unfortunate byproduct of Destruction’s safeguards. Dream feels regret that people have died, something he wouldn’t have felt thousands of years ago.
Dream and Delirium eventually succeed in their task and are briefly reunited with their brother and his talking dog. They shoot the shit for a while. Destruction explains why he left and why he’s not returning. They have philosophical discussions about who they are, what they represent, and if they are even necessary.
Brief Lives showcases the unique relationships that the Endless have with each other and with us lowly mortals. Mortals die. Gods die. Even the Endless can end. We all have brief lives. Oh, I get it now. That’s clever, Mr. Gaiman. Brief Lives is another interesting and enjoyable volume of The Sandman, full of great moments and characters.
Someone just sneezed. You instinctively respond with “Bless you!” (At least if your mama raised you right). It’s polite and it also has the added bonus of keeping Satan from stealing their soul. It’s kind of weird that sneezing seems to be the only body function that gets acknowledged with a phrase wishing the sneezer divine protection and/or good health. There is no common verbal response for when someone burps, coughs, hiccups, or farts. I think there should be. The next time someone rips one, I’m going to say, “Jesus loves you” and see what happens.
Have you ever been so tired or exhausted that you can’t even blink in unison? You’ve just woken up or you’re about to pass out, and you don’t even realize that you’re blinking in slow motion and also closing one eye slightly before the other. That’s lizard blinking. Because you look like a reptile when you do it. It means that you’re really fucking tired. So get some sleep and stop creeping people out.
You wake up feeling refreshed and ready to carpe that diem. It’s a great day and you feel great. Until you glance in the mirror and see a pimple. It’s an obvious one too. Pimples suck. And why the hell am I still getting them? I’ve been in my twenties for a while now; I don’t want to look like an awkward teen again. You can either pop it or let it be. Both options still draw attention to your face. Popping pimples is oddly satisfying for some reason. It’s kind of fun to kill a pimple. But I still prefer clear skin.
It’s time for some junk food and you’re kind of sick of chips. Cheetos are a nice alternative. There are a few varieties to choose from: Crunchy, Puffs, and they have different flavors as well. Crunchy Flamin’ Hot has been my go-to for a few years, but when I’m feeling a little more adventurous I’ll kick it up a notch and grab the Flamin’ Hot Limón. It has a little more zest. They are spicy enough to make your face sweat and that’s always a good sign. The biggest downside to Flamin’ Hot Limón is that they stain your fingertips red. They should come with a wet nap included in the bag like a Cracker Jack prize.
Other than 4:20, my favorite part of the day is my birthday time. That’s the magical part of the day when the clock displays your birthday. My birthday is April 29 or 4/29, so my birthday time is 4:29. Your birthday time doesn’t mean anything, but it’s nice to see it. We’re all selfish bastards who secretly want to be the center of the universe so we expect some sort of acknowledgement when the clock shows our birthday time.
It sucks for Europeans because they use the 24-hour clock and also put the day before the month. For example, my European birthday would be 29/4 and there is no 29 o’clock. That’s probably another reason why the world hates Americans so much: because we can celebrate our birthday twice a day instead of only once a year. Let me know the next time your birthday time makes an appearance and we’ll give you a toast.
You have a bottle of beer that you want to consume. You can either smash the bottle or pop the cap. I suggest the latter. The best way to open the bottle is to use a bottle opener. You just apply it to the cap and pop it off with a little bit of leverage. There are a variety of ways to open a bottle without a bottle opener. You can use a lighter, another beer bottle, a countertop, your teeth (good luck), or a million other ways. Consult the Internet for those options: this article is about bottle openers. They are designed to open bottles. That’s all they are supposed to do and they do it better than anything else. No household or alcoholic is complete without one. I have three.
It’s time for a joint or a blunt and someone has to break up the weed. You can cut it up using scissors or break it up with your fingers but they will get all sticky. Grinders are the way to go. They are little cylinders that open up to reveal jagged teeth. You put the buds in between the teeth and twist the top and the bottom. This shreds the weed, making it the perfect filling your rolling paper or blunt wrap. Some of the better grinders have a keif catcher on the bottom. All the extra THC crystals will make their way into there and you can harvest that to make hash. Grinders are for the more committed stoners. If you don’t smoke regularly, you probably don’t need one. You slacker.
Is a chair still a chair if nobody is sitting in it? Philosophers have debated that question for centuries. One thing they all agree is that an unused chair is useless because nobody is using it. But no one did anything about it until some guy invented folding chairs. Now an empty chair can be folded up and stuck in the closet until the next time you have people over. Folding chairs will never replace stationary chairs, but there’s no denying their practicality. I can’t think of anything witty to say about folding chairs. Ummm, how about this one: folding chairs seem to be the weapon of choice for professional wrestlers. That’s kind of decent. I wish more folding chairs had armrests. People like portable seating, but elbow support is nice too.
I know that this seems like a really random topic, but it just happened to me at the liquor store. I bought a few tall boys and a couple of bottles, paid the cashier, stuffed the beer in my bag, and dropped it and broke the bottle before he even handed me my change. I knew I was fucked as soon as it hit the ground. I could hear my backpack filling up with beer as the other customers just stood around shaking their heads at me. I had to go outside and pour the beer out of my backpack into the sewage drain. Then I came back inside, collected my change, and sheepishly walked out holding my dripping backpack. Then I got to go home and give my backpack a good rinsing in the shower to get rid of the booze smell and pieces of glass. At least my other beers survived because I definitely needed a drink after that. Breaking a bottle of beer in your backpack is not fun. I wouldn’t recommend it.
Cracker Jack is a delicious blend of caramel coated popcorn and peanuts with a prize. You can’t forget about the prize. There used to be a cool prize like a magic ring or a whistle, but these days it’s usually a temporary tattoo or a paper cutout of some bullshit. Popcorn and peanuts are awesome by themselves, so when they combine their forces and also get caramelized it’s a delight for your taste buds. You don’t eat Cracker Jack every day. In fact, you forget about it for months at a time. But then baseball season comes back and you stars singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” and you get the sudden urge to buy them. That song is product placement at its best.
As you get older and more mature, you start to transition from keggers to dinner parties. Once you start going to dinner parties, you can’t show up empty handed. You can bring a dish or a dessert, but you’re better off bringing a bottle of wine. And you’ll be more popular too. People like booze. It’s a social lubricant. Bringing a bottle of wine to a dinner party makes you look classy. Bringing a box of wine makes you look like an asshole. Stick with the bottle.
To anyone named Marissa or Marlena: I’m sorry that I’m about to ruin your name forever. Imagine you have a newborn baby girl, fresh out of the oven. You gotta have a name for her. Marissa seems like such a nice name, a sweet name, and a safe name. Until the day that you realize that “Marissa” backwards is “Assiram”. Ass I Ram. Marlena is another name with an unfortunate reversal. It becomes “Anelram” and that’s pretty close to “Anal Ram.” If you know anyone with a less than desirable reverse name, take advantage of the situation and make them cry. Bullying is fun and acceptable in today’s society.
Thanksgiving (or Turkey Day as it’s known on Facebook) is a day for Americans to sit around a table with family and friends and get even fatter. Americans already have more food each day than half the world, but Thanksgiving really lets us show off our gluttony. The average Thanksgiving feast is pretty extravagant: turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, rolls, some sort of salad, cranberries, pumpkin pie, wine for the adults, sparkling cider for the kids, and leftovers for days. There are starving kids in China and we complain about being in a food coma.
Pretending to be thankful is the way that we justify eating a week’s worth of food during one meal. You hold hands and give thanks for the food, for another year together, for a roof over your head, for a new Star Wars trilogy. You’re not really grateful. You take that shit for granted. But that’s ok. We’re Americans. We are supposed to be assholes. That’s why the world hates us. It doesn’t matter though, the turkey tastes delicious.
Thanksgiving is one of the last real holidays. The candy companies and greeting card companies haven’t found a way to exploit it yet. I’m actually thankful for that. Despite my cynicism, Thanksgiving is usually one of my favorite Thursdays of the year.