Tag Archives: teeth

Spare Toothbrush

I brush my teeth at least twice a day because good hygiene is important and bad breath is gross. I have a toothbrush that stays in my bathroom. That’s my main toothbrush. I use it when I wake up and I use it before I go to bed. But I also keep a spare toothbrush in my work bag that’s saved me a few times, like when my roommate is hogging the bathroom and I’m trying to leave the house. Sometimes I’ll crash at a friend’s house instead of going home after a late shift and my trusty spare toothbrush is always there to keep me feeling fresh and clean. And sometimes I get the urge to brush after lunch just in case there’s anything stuck between my teeth. A spare toothbrush is almost as important as your main toothbrush. So you should get one if you don’t have one. Maybe get a little tube of toothpaste to go along with it. A toothbrush without toothpaste is pretty pointless.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

300

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Night Guard

Like millions of people, I sometimes grind my teeth at night. Apparently I’ve been doing it for years because my teeth were noticeably worn down. My dentist suggested that I get a night guard. It’s basically a mouthguard similar to what athletes wear, except they are form-fitted to your teeth and you pop it in just before bedtime. It keeps your teeth from making contact when you grind them. It takes a little bit of adjustment before I got used to it, but now I can’t sleep without it. I no longer have to worry about any nocturnal dental trauma. I used to be a little ashamed of wearing it around people, but most people are accepting of it and more than a few have inquired about getting one for themselves. A lot of people grind their teeth and don’t know that there’s a solution for it. Sleep disorders seem to be a taboo subject matter. They don’t have to be.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

bite-splints

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Losing a Tooth

Losing a tooth is awesome when you’re a kid. Losing a tooth is terrible when you’re an adult. When you’re a kid, losing a tooth means a visit from the Tooth Fairy and getting money. When you’re an adult, losing a tooth means a visit to the dentist and spending money. When you’re a kid, losing a tooth means another one will grow in its place. When you’re an adult, losing a tooth means dentures. I guess that I’m trying to say that losing a tooth has lost its allure. There was a time when I would have loved losing a tooth. Now it’s something I worry about. I miss the days when I was still immortal and regenerative.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Unknown

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

A Root Canal

Sorry to rock your world, but there’s shit inside your teeth that can become infected and fucking kill you. Inside each tooth there is pulp, a soft tissue composed of nerves, blood vessels, connective tissue, and fun stuff like that. If the pulp gets infected than you need to get a root canal. That’s where the dentist drills into your tooth, scrapes out all the pulp, cleans the inside of your tooth, fills it up, and tops it with a crown. It’s a relatively painless procedure, other than getting jabbed and stabbed with needles to numb the area. It’s also kind of expensive because BMWs aren’t cheap and the dentist needs to get around somehow.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Crunching Ice With Your Teeth

You’re reaching the end of your cup of Coke and all that’s preventing you from throwing it away are the seventeen half melted ice cubes with a hint of Coke flavor. You take off the lid and tilt a few cubes into your mouth. You start to crunch and chew and feel oddly satisfied. You proceed to finish off the rest of your ice, pausing only to use your straw to get that last stubborn ice cube from the bottom of the cup. That’s always the best one. Crunching ice with your teeth is a pleasure the dentured can only dream about.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Something in your Teeth

You’re talking to your crush and things are going well. You’re maintaining eye contact, you’re both smiling and laughing over stupid jokes, and you’re feeling good about that little encounter a few minutes later when your friend walks up and casually mentions that you have something in your teeth. Fuck. Maybe that’s what she was smiling at you. Maybe she was laughing at you. Maybe she’s still laughing now.

It seems like you always get something in your teeth before a job interview or meeting someone for the first time. You’re never the one to notice that you have something in your teeth either. Someone else always points it out… and you ate lunch 3 hours ago. Fuck.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Cats

Cats are the most popular pets in the USA and in the UK. More popular than dogs, more popular than fish, and way more popular than deranged chimpanzees that go on face-biting rampages. Dogs are loyal, loving, and obvious. Cats are shady, manipulative, and conniving. You can’t trust them, you can’t tell what they are thinking, and it seems like they are always analyzing the best way to kill you.

Cats are killing machines. That’s not a setup for a joke. That’s a cold hard fact. Cats are compulsive killers. They are designed to stalk, hunt, and eliminate. Their teeth are like daggers; their claws are super sharp, perfect for slashing and doubling as grappling hooks. Their paws are designed for killing and climbing, while the docile dog has paws made for digging and running long distances. Cats can hear higher frequencies than dogs (almost as good as bats), and their vision is superior to ours in a lot of ways. Not only do they see 6x better in darkness than us, but their eyes also act as magnifying lenses. They practically have superpowers.

Dogs wear their hearts on their sleeve, while cats have a hidden agenda.  Most dog breeds were bred for laborious reasons; we have a working relationship with them. They rely on us, they want to serve us, and they want to please us… Cats use us for free food. They don’t need us, they just put up with us. Some people have housecats, and make sure Mr. Buttons is confined to the house at all times. That is not a real cat. Real cats go outside at night and wreak havoc on the neighborhood. They stalk, hunt, and cause chaos, just for shits and giggles, and then they come home for a gourmet canned delicacy.

You might notice that cats like to rub their cheeks and face on you as they seek attention. You might mistake that as a sign of affection. They are really marking you with their scent. Rubbing against you is the feline equivalent of a dog peeing on your face to establish his territory.

City cats are like gangs. They have clear territories and social hierarchies. A tomcat (an unneutered and all natural) is at the top of the totem pole. A successful tomcat’s turf can be up to a square mile, ideally encompassing as many females cats in heat as possible. Their only rivals are other tomcats. Neutered cats can’t breed and consequently aren’t a threat. So if you want your cat to be tough, let him keep his balls.

Most cats are selfish bitches with a thirst for blood and murder. I might be misquoting the Discovery Channel, but cats are evil. There are a few good cats but they are the exception to the rule. I had five family cats growing up. Only one is worth talking about. His name was Roofus, my uncle found him on the street when he was a kitten and we adopted him. The tip of his tail was missing and someone tried to glue it back on. It didn’t work. Roofus was an outdoor cat, and each night we would set him loose on the neighborhood. We never knew what he was up to most of the time, but we were able to glimpse the occasional catfight. Sometime he would show up with mementos of his deeds like dead birds, rodents, and even a bat one time. One day he came home with a missing fang. I often wonder what unlucky animal ended up with that embedded in its skull.

I’m not trying to reminisce here. I’m trying to make a point. Roofus was a badass, but he was still a cat. There’s no denying that cats have personalities, but they are too reclusive. They are reserved and always seem to have their guard up. Way too enigmatic. I can’t get behind that. Cats might be the most popular pets in America but that doesn’t mean anything. Jersey Shore is really popular too. And don’t get me started on Twilight.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Losing a Filling

I have a sweet tooth; I eat more candy than a five-year-old on Halloween. I have a few cavities to prove it. The other day my friend gave me gumball. I didn’t really want it, but it’s bad for the economy to not accept free things. So I took it and chewed it for about fifteen seconds before I realized it shouldn’t be crunchy. That stupid gumball ripped out my filling. Losing a filling sucks. Even as I type this, my tongue keeps exploring the gaping hole in my molar. The worst part is that I can’t eat candy until I get a new filling. Then I will celebrate with some Skittles. I think I’ll avoid the gumballs from now on.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

The Last Bit of Toothpaste

My tube of toothpaste is almost empty. It’s been almost empty for more than a week. Each morning I squeeze out enough to brush my teeth, and each night I squeeze out a little more. It’s important to get that last bit of toothpaste on your brush. You gotta get your money’s worth. My tube has been nearly depleted for a week, but there’s still enough coming out that I can’t just throw it away. It’s like a battery, you use it until it’s completely used up or it’s a waste.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Flossing

It wasn’t enough that mankind has created toothbrushes, toothpaste, mouthwash, electric toothbrushes, and tooth picks. So we invented string for your teeth. Now we have another way to remove shit from between your teeth and cut your gums. The average person flosses only a few times a year: either when they just ate corn on the cob, or if they have a dentist appointment the next day. I have no idea why I lie to the dentist about flossing semi-regularly. He knows that I’m lying. Oh yeah, and apparently it’s not romantic to floss with your girlfriend’s hair. You live, you learn.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants