Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

How to Make a List

This is the Critically Rated Guide to creating a list. After you read this, you should be able to make your own lists like a champion.

  1. Decide what your list will be about. In this case, the topic is how to make a list.
  2. Come up with a catchy title that catches the reader’s attention.
  3. Include a brief summary after the title that goes into a little more detail about your topic.
  4. Start listing things by beginning at Step 1.
  5. Then go to Step 2.
  6. Then go to Step 3.
  7. Then write down the fourth step, then the fifth, and then the sixth, and so on. A good list should have at least ten steps.
  8. Once you’ve listed all the things that you wanted to list, you should write another brief summary of your topic for your conclusion.
  9. Then you should use spell check and edit your list before you finalize it and publish it for the world to see.
  10. 10. Bask in the glory of creating a list.

And that’s how you create a list. Pretty simple stuff, right? The hardest part is just getting enough time to sit down and write one. Your homework assignment for the next week is to make a list of your own. Just don’t be lazy and write a list about writing a list because that’s kind of pretentious and people see right through that shit.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Back Float

Humans are naturally buoyant. Even if you can’t swim, you can still back float. Babies can do it. Grandmas can do it. You can do it. The only person who can’t back float is me. I sink. Don’t get me wrong, I can swim. I can swim pretty damn good too. I’m no Michael Phelps, but I grew up in suburbia with a pool in my backyard and I can hold my own. But I still can’t back float. I can stay afloat for about 5 and a half seconds before my legs start to sink and the rest of my body gets dragged along. I would drown if I was asleep. I just think it’s bullshit that everyone else in the world is capable of doing something that I can’t do. I want to be able to float on my back and drift wherever the current takes me, without a care in the world. Don’t take your back floating abilities for granted.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Turning Off Your Computer

I have a laptop and I never turn it off. It’s a customized 2011 MacBook Pro and I live with it. If I’m at home, it’s on. I close it when I go to sleep, I open it when I wake up, I close it when I leave the house, and I open it when I come back home. I update it, I let it sleep and rest, but I hardly ever turn it off. And I’ve never had any problems with it. Turning off your computer is like shutting off your gateway to the outside world. You are cut off from reality, from the now. My laptop is a few seconds away from a global connection at any given point. If the zombie apocalypse started tomorrow, I would be among the first to know. Everyone else is walker food. The only reason why I’m writing this is because I’m about to shut it down for a few days while I’m on vacation. I can only hope that it will reactivate when I try to turn it on when I come home. If not, my laptop will become an extremely elaborate paperweight. You get what you paid for, and I paid for a lot.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Walking Around Naked Just Because You Can

I’m not a nudist but sometimes I pretend to be. If my roommates are gone and I’m home alone, I’ll walk from my bedroom to the bathroom and back again while completely in the buff. It’s easier and more fun than putting on pants. Walking around naked just because you can is a liberating feeling. You deserve to be comfortable and clothes are so restricting. Just avoid walking by open windows and going outside to get the mail. Nobody wants to see your flaccid wiener. And it’s creepy if they do. Nudity is nothing to be ashamed of, but a flaccid wiener is. It’s not that impressive. I’m a grower, not a shower. Don’t judge me.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Accidently Friending the Wrong Person on Facebook

Facebook likes to make friend recommendations. Most of the time it’s somebody that you know. Sometimes it’s someone that you would rather not know. Sometimes it’s a complete stranger that shares a few mutual friends with you and you think that you know them, so you send them a friend request. And then you realize that you made a mistake and you have no clue who this person is. A few weeks ago, Facebook recommended that I request to be David’s friend. I assumed it was my coworker named David. It wasn’t that David. It was a different David. I deleted him, but the damage was already done. My Facebook reputation was tarnished. Accidently friending the wrong person on Facebook makes you feel stupid. You feel duped. You feel like you should know this person but you don’t, so you have failed. But rest assured, it’s not your fault. It’s Facebook’s fault. They should know that you don’t want to be friends with your friend’s grandma just because you both like the same status. That’s not how friendships are formed. Friendships are based on actual interactions, not electronic ones.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Ordering Something and Instantly Changing Your Mind

One of the best ways to piss off your server is to spend fifteen minutes to look over the menu, finally order something, wait until the server rings it in, and then flag someone down to tell them that you changed your mind. You are what is known in the industry as a “difficult guest”. I will never understand how anyone can order something and instantly change their mind. It’s perfectly acceptable if you want to change your fries for a salad, but you can’t change your order entirely. You either want a burger or you don’t. You either want fajitas or you don’t. How fucking indecisive are you? If you ordered the wrong thing, suck it up and accept your failure. There’s no need to stress out your server and undertip because you’re an idiot. Ordering something and instantly changing your mind will bring you bad karma. I can only hope that a bird shits on you when you leave the restaurant.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Staying Up All Night

Last night was one of those crazy summer nights that never seems to end. I was partying and drinking and hanging out with friends all night. We started by pregaming, then we went to the club, then we went to an afterparty at a friend’s house, then we went to another afterparty, then we went on a hike to see the sunrise, then we hung out on a jungle gym, then we got some breakfast, and then I went home and finally slept after being awake for more than 24 hours straight. Staying up all night is something that you have to do a few times each year, just to prove to yourself that you’re still young and you’re still alive. You might feel like shit the next day, but that’s a small price to pay for surviving the night. There’s nothing quite like experiencing the darkness disappear into light and watching the world slowly wake up. There’s something surreal about empty streets coming to life. At first the only other people you see are sleeping bums, then you start to see people going to work and getting ready to start their day. They look at you and judge you and assume that you’re on drugs (and maybe you are), but you don’t care because your night was way better than theirs. And it’s still going on. Staying up all night means that you’ll sleep all day, a small price to pay for winning the night.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pluto

Pluto is cursed. There has never been a good Pluto. Once upon a time, there used to be a planet named Pluto, but then it got demoted. Now it’s just another asteroid. Then there’s the Disney dog.  You might recall that here are two main dogs in the Disney Universe. One of them was Goofy, a talking dog who is also best friends with Mickey Mouse. And the other one is Pluto, just a dumb dog who can’t talk and was enslaved by Mickey Mouse. Disney’s Pluto is so fucking dumb that a talking mouse keeps him as a pet. Eddie Murphy has been in a lot of bad movies, but his worst one has got to be The Adventures of Pluto Nash and that’s saying something because he has made a lot of terrible, terrible films. And I mean terrible. The name Pluto comes from Greek mythology. Pluto was the god of the underworld, but most people today remember the other Greek name for the god of the underworld: Hades. Anyone who’s ever read an ancient poem in English class, or listened to the lyrics of a good hip hop song knows that Hades is the undisputed ruler of the underworld. Pluto is a joke. Nothing good can come from naming something after Pluto. From now on we are all boycotting Pluto. No more Pluto.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Wait Til Next Year

The Chicago Cubs have a motto and it’s “wait til next year.” That’s because they haven’t won a World Series title since 1908. That’s a pretty big drought, the longest of any North American sports team. As each season crumbles away and they see their World Series chances dissolving, all the fans can do is wait till next year. I never really understood their grief. I’m a Giants fan, and we won two World Series in three years. But then the 2013 season began, and the Giants started playing like a Little League team. We still have the same core team that won it all in 2012, but this season we are last in our division, well below .500, and are about 20 games behind the Dodgers. We have no choice but to wait til next year. We can still gloat about being the defending champions, but we can’t ignore the fact that we suck right now. Only one team can win the World Series, everyone else has to wait til next year.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Holding Your Breath Underwater

Humans are competitive creatures. We are constantly challenging each other in meaningless contests, like holding your breath underwater. I guarantee you that there are two kids staging a breath-holding contest in a pool somewhere right now. They count down from three, take a deep breath, plunge themselves underwater, trying to outlast the other person until somebody caves and breaks the surface to gasp for air. The best way to win this competition is to cheat. Take a deep breath, and pretend to start sliding under the water, but stay above the surface while the other guy goes down. Then you lounge around and enjoy the air in your lungs, while that goober is holding his breath underwater. You’re in the clear as long as his eyes are closed. Then when he starts to rise, you just dip your head underwater for a few seconds, then come up like you’re out of breath and act victorious. He’ll have no reason to suspect that you cheated if you do it right. Holding your breath underwater seems like a useless talent, but it can save your life if you ever experience a gas leak or have to use the bathroom after someone takes a shit.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Setting Your Alarm for the Wrong Time

I don’t have a fixed schedule, so my wakeup times are always changing. Some days I can sleep in, some days I have to wake up at 9:30, other days at 8:15, and sometimes I’ll set my alarm for 9:00. There’s a danger in having so many different wakeup times… sometimes I’ll set the alarm for the wrong time. It’s not that bad if I wake up early, but it sucks if I set it for a later time. Then I might as well have not even set it in the first place. I still woke up late and I’m still fucked. The worst thing is that I didn’t forget to set it. I just didn’t do it right. I failed. Because I’m an idiot. Setting your alarm for the wrong time is one of those stupid things that everyone does at least once in their lifetime. Too bad your boss won’t accept it as a valid excuse for being late.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Googling Yourself

Googling yourself is when you go to Google.com and search for your name. You’ll end up finding some random shit of yours that you totally forgot about, like crappy poetry about high school from your LiveJournal days or photos from your abandoned MySpace account. You’ll also discover that a lot of people share the same name as you, and most of those people seem to have a better life than you. Everyone Googles themself at some point and you have to use Google to do it. You never hear anyone say that they Binged themself or Lycosed themself. That’s just absurd. It’s Google or bust. So Google yourself and see what your name means to the world. If you can’t find anything of you or about you, that means that you don’t contribute to the Internet much. If you died tomorrow, you would be forgotten. And nobody will go to your funeral. But on the bright side, your eulogy will probably show up on Google.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Using the Toilet at Work

Using the toilet at work is always a bit of a conundrum. Each workplace has an unwritten code for its usage. Most of the rules are similar: don’t hog the bathroom for more than five minutes, try to avoid taking a shit if you can, and never pee on the seat (or wipe it off if you do). I work at a restaurant and we have a public restroom for men, a public restroom for women, and a bathroom by the break room for the staff. We essentially have one toilet for over fifty employees at any given point. It’s constantly in use. There’s almost always a line. Sometimes I’ll use the bathroom just because it’s unoccupied. I won’t even have to go, but I can’t pass up the opportunity. I’ll use it just because I can. Carpe Pee-um and all that. The most important thing about using the toilet at work is remembering to wash your hands before you go back to work. Especially if your boss is watching.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Losing a Quarter to a Machine

Losing a quarter is not a big deal. It happens all the time. It will fall out of your pocket, you might accidently drop it on the ground, sometimes you give them away to bums without realizing it. But losing a quarter to a machine is enough to ruin your day. Sometimes you’ll go down to the Laundromat and choose a faulty washer that eats your coins. Then you have to beg for change from the other patrons. Sometimes the parking meter refuses to acknowledge the quarter you just fed it. Sometimes the vending machine will malfunction and refuse to give you a snack. Losing a quarter to a machine means that Skynet is winning, and the future is going to be a bleak one. You are funding Judgment Day each time you lose a quarter to a machine. It starts by stealing quarters and it ends with the mass genocide of mankind. Tread lightly.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Make Your Escape

You’re partying and drinking with your friends and you’re having the time of your life until you look at the clock and notice the time. You have to wake up early tomorrow for work, and you know that you have to leave soon. Having fun is awesome but you still have to be responsible, and sometimes that results in a self-enforced bedtime and leaving the party early. But you can’t just leave. You need to have an evacuation plan. You don’t want to draw attention to the fact that you’re leaving, because you don’t want to be a party pooper. There are a few ways to make your escape. You can silently ninja-slip out without saying any goodbyes. You can pretend like you’re going out for a phone call and that you’ll be right back, and then you run away. Or you can wait for the mass exodus, when a cluster of three or more people leaves at the same time. Then you can say your goodbyes and still leave without causing a fuss. You should always be prepared and know how and when to make your escape. When you see your opportunity, you gotta take it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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use punctuation

its hard to read simple sentences and paragraphs if you dont use any punctuation or capitalization unfortunately some people have missed the memo if you go on facebook right now youll probably see half a dozen statuses clogging up your newsfeed that are incoherent and almost impossible to read the words and sentences get all jumbled together and you have no idea what that dumbass is saying i dont even know how its possible to avoid capitalizing letters and using apostrophes and periods we live in an age of autocorrect i physically have to go back and delete the apostrophes from words like dont and cant because the computer fixes your mistakes so you dont look like an idiot but you seem to have your heart set on being stupid if you cant express yourself in a comprehensive way then maybe you should shut the fuck up and keep your sloppy status updates to yourself punctuation is important so fucking use it.

critically rated at 4/17

written rated and reviewed by brendan h young

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The Five-Dollar Handshake

The five-dollar handshake is a server’s worst nightmare. You’ll be waiting a table, and everything seems to be going smoothly. The table ordered drinks, appetizers, a couple of entrees, and everything came out on time and tasted great. But then everything changes when you drop the check. The head honcho at the table glances at the bill, opens his wallet, pulls out some cash and places it inside. Then he gets up from the table to hand it to you personally, asks for your name while he shakes your hand, then tells you that you did a great job and to keep the change. You thank him profusely and walk back to the kitchen. But when you go to close the check you realize that he only tipped you five bucks on a $150 check. Congratulations, you were just a victim of the five-dollar handshake. You should expect a five-dollar tip anytime a customer shakes your hand, looks you in the eyes and tells you that you did a great job. I don’t know if the practitioners of the five-dollar handshake are just cheap or ignorant, but they should be weary of getting hit by the karma bus.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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