Tag Archives: facebook

October 5, 2015 · 10:35 pm

Status Hacked

I trust my friends but I would never leave my iPhone unattended with them. That’s the best way to get status hacked. Status hacked is when somebody updates your status with something that makes you look foolish. It’s the social media equivalent of a Kick Me sign on your back. I once status hacked one of my managers. He left his phone out, so I picked it up, logged into his Facebook account, and updated his status to say, “I hate these damn hemorrhoids, I just want to ride my bike again!” It’s a reference to The Simpsons, but he didn’t know that and he wasn’t too happy with me. I almost got fired. It was worth it. All his Facebook contacts thought he had hemorrhoids. Hilarious.

Status hacking is a dangerous game. If you do it somebody, you should expect them to reciprocate. Retaliation is expected, and you deserve it. Remember that they are going to try to one-up you and post something even more embarrassing. Choose your opponent wisely. The best place to be in the middle of a status hack war is on the sidelines. It’s important to like and comment in order to ensure that the hacked status shows up in as many newsfeeds as possible and make that shit go viral.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 22, 2015 · 3:23 pm

Random Mutual Friends

Every now and then I cave into Facebook’s demands and check the list of people I may know to see if there is anyone worth adding to my friends list. Facebook will display a name, a profile picture, and a list of the mutual friends that you have in common. It’s a small world so you’ll often find out that you have some truly random mutual friends. My cousin knows one of my coworkers even though they live on opposite sides of the country. I have friends from my elementary school who know friends from my college. It makes you wonder how they met each other. Checking random mutual friends is like playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon and you’re Kevin Bacon.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 23, 2014 · 1:03 pm

End of the Year Facebook Montage

2014 is winding down and I don’t even need a calendar to know that. I just have to go on Facebook. As soon as I do, I’m bombarded by all of the End of the Year Facebook montages that everybody is posting. They are all the same. They start with a caption that reads, “It’s been a great year! Thanks for being a part of it.” Then it starts breaking down their year by displaying their most trafficked pictures. It’s all the same. There’s a picture of a wedding or an engagement, there’s a picture from some sporting event, there’s a couple of friends at bars or parties, and a few shots from vacations or day trips. It’s kind of weird how everyone has different lives but still do the exact same shit. There are so many End of the Year Facebook montages that you can’t watch them all. You have to choose which ones to watch, and you’re going to choose the ones that will most likely include a picture of you. You tell yourself that you’re not going to give in and do one of your own, but curiosity sets in and you’ll see what your year looks like in review. And you’ll kind of like it because you forgot how awesome your year actually was. Then you’ll share it because everybody else is doing it too and you don’t want to jump on the bandwagon too late.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 31, 2014 · 10:03 am

Facebook Name Changers

It seems like every couple of weeks one of my friends on Facebook changes their name for some reason or other. Those Facebook name changers make my newsfeed a lot more interesting. I’ll check my FB when I wake up and see a name that I don’t recognize. It makes me wonder if I was drunkenly adding people the night before. Then I click on their link and realize that it’s an old friend trying to mix things up. I don’t get it. If Facebook is getting boring, then change your profile picture. You don’t need to change your name. That’s just going to confuse everybody. Nobody wants to be confused. They want to be in control. But you can’t control Facebook name changers. You can only bitch about them and wonder why they did this to you. Or you can blog about it. That’s what I did. Or you can read a blog about it. That’s what you did.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 25, 2014 · 8:43 am

Instant Friend Request

You go to a party with a friend and meet a bunch of new random people. You have a few beers, a few laughs, and then you call it a night and go home. You wake up the next morning and check Facebook and you have a new friend request. You’re intrigued and you click on it, and you find out that it’s from that weird guy that debated about Marvel vs. DC with you the night before. You’re not sure if you should accept his request or deny it, so you ignore it. An instant friend request is always an awkward situation. I don’t know you. I just met you. Why are you stalking me on Facebook? And how did you find out my full name? How desperate are you to socialize? I was just being friendly, I wasn’t trying to be your friend.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 15, 2014 · 11:29 am

Early Birthday Wishes

Facebook has a feature that informs you of birthdays. It’s a pretty useful tool. It helps it seem like you remembered/cared about the day someone was born. But sometimes people don’t know how time zones work and someone will post a happy birthday message a day early. It’s a nice gesture, but then you’ll suddenly be bombarded by dozens of other early birthday messages because everyone else saw that you had a birthday message and they don’t want to be the asshole that forgot your birthday. Pretty soon your birthday becomes a trending topic a day early and there’s nobody left to wish you a happy birthday on your actual birthday. At least that’s what you’ll tell yourself as you eat cake in bed crying.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 6, 2014 · 11:39 am

Commenting On a Really Old Facebook Picture

I checked my Facebook account earlier today and had a notification. A friend left a comment on an old picture of a summertime bonfire from 2009. It was really random. The picture was buried in one of several forgotten Facebook photo albums, which meant that she was looking through dozens of my pictures before finding that one and making a comment about it. She wasn’t even at the bonfire that night. There was no reason for her to comment on the picture at all. But she did. And it creeped me out so I deleted her. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Commenting on a really old Facebook picture makes you seem like a stalker. You shouldn’t have anything to say about a picture from the past that doesn’t involve you at all. So don’t do it and don’t let people do it to you. And call people out if you see them do it. It’s an epidemic that needs to be stopped. Together we can make a difference.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 6, 2013 · 8:57 am

Facebook Poke

I don’t understand Facebook’s Poke option. I went to my friend’s profile and I poked her. She poked me back a few hours later. I don’t know what to do now. Do I poke her again? Should I call her or text her now? Should I leave a comment on her wall? I don’t want to seem desperate. Are you even supposed to poke your friends? Or are you just supposed to poke girls you want to hook up with? All I know is that I don’t want to poke my grandma. The Facebook Poke might be the most unnecessary feature in all of social media. What’s the point of a virtual poke? Poking is one of the most annoying things to do in real life. Every time you physically poke somebody, they get mad and tell you to stop poking them. Nobody likes to be poked, online or off.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 30, 2013 · 12:07 pm

Top 8

I remember a time before Facebook, back when social networking was still in its infancy, there was a site called MySpace. It was a place for friends. And you would analyze your friends, select your favorite eight and rank them, and then you would display them prominently in your Top 8 on your profile. Most people had hundreds of friends, so it was a big honor to make it to someone’s Top 8. And it was a huge insult if you didn’t make the cut (especially if they were in your Top 8. The Top 8 caused a lot of animosity between friends. So MySpace later expanded it to the Top 16. But by then it was too late and Facebook was already taking over the world. Now MySpace and LiveJournal are living under an overpass reminiscing about the good old days. I kind of miss the Top 8. You knew where you stood in life.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 16, 2013 · 1:20 pm

Troll (Internet Lingo)

A troll is someone who posts comments online for the sole reason of pissing people off. They live under bridges and steal your Wi-Fi. They live to annoy people. For example, you’ll complain about your lousy day on Facebook and a troll will comment on your post saying he’s glad that you had a bad day and you probably deserve it. If you write a blog post about how amazing your vacation to Paris was, a troll will tell you that Paris sucks and that you should have gone to Amsterdam. A troll has no valid arguments or points, he only has poorly thought out insults written in caps lock. Everyone is guilty of trolling from time to time, but some people are only on the internet to troll other people. And that’s sad. Trolling is bad, but trolls are worse.  It’s one thing to correct a friend and make fun of them for misusing a word, it’s quite another thing to bash a stranger for having a different point of view than you.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 2, 2013 · 5:07 pm

Accidently Friending the Wrong Person on Facebook

Facebook likes to make friend recommendations. Most of the time it’s somebody that you know. Sometimes it’s someone that you would rather not know. Sometimes it’s a complete stranger that shares a few mutual friends with you and you think that you know them, so you send them a friend request. And then you realize that you made a mistake and you have no clue who this person is. A few weeks ago, Facebook recommended that I request to be David’s friend. I assumed it was my coworker named David. It wasn’t that David. It was a different David. I deleted him, but the damage was already done. My Facebook reputation was tarnished. Accidently friending the wrong person on Facebook makes you feel stupid. You feel duped. You feel like you should know this person but you don’t, so you have failed. But rest assured, it’s not your fault. It’s Facebook’s fault. They should know that you don’t want to be friends with your friend’s grandma just because you both like the same status. That’s not how friendships are formed. Friendships are based on actual interactions, not electronic ones.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 18, 2013 · 3:46 pm

use punctuation

its hard to read simple sentences and paragraphs if you dont use any punctuation or capitalization unfortunately some people have missed the memo if you go on facebook right now youll probably see half a dozen statuses clogging up your newsfeed that are incoherent and almost impossible to read the words and sentences get all jumbled together and you have no idea what that dumbass is saying i dont even know how its possible to avoid capitalizing letters and using apostrophes and periods we live in an age of autocorrect i physically have to go back and delete the apostrophes from words like dont and cant because the computer fixes your mistakes so you dont look like an idiot but you seem to have your heart set on being stupid if you cant express yourself in a comprehensive way then maybe you should shut the fuck up and keep your sloppy status updates to yourself punctuation is important so fucking use it.

critically rated at 4/17

written rated and reviewed by brendan h young

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August 4, 2013 · 10:35 am

Too Many Status Updates

I have a Facebook friend who has way too many status updates every single day. You can change your status once or twice a day, maybe three times if something truly exciting happens. But this fool will update his status every hour or two. It’s almost as if he’s trying to constantly be at the top of my newsfeed. None of his posts are even remotely status worthy. He’s just an attention whore; he lives for likes and comments. But he doesn’t get any, so then he will post something else that’s guaranteed to get a thumbs up (like “I miss the ‘90s”). He doesn’t seem to grasp that nobody is responding to his shit because we all ignore him or have him blocked. Posting too many status updates is both annoying and unnecessary. He is two status updates away from getting permanently deleted. Both from Facebook and in real life.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 13, 2013 · 9:02 pm

False Advertising with Your Profile Picture

I’ve noticed that a lot of people use extremely old glamor shots of themselves as their profile picture and they don’t see anything wrong with it. But it’s false advertising. False advertising with your profile picture on Facebook is bad enough, but it ought to be a crime to use an outdated photo of yourself on a dating website. You don’t look like that anymore. You’re lying. You’re lying to yourself and you’re lying to whoever you’re trying to meet.  And the person that you meet will inevitably end up being disappointed. They might even tell you that you don’t look like your profile picture, and you will feel like shit. Spare yourself the grief and use an honest photo. In fact, you should use an ugly, unflattering picture of yourself. Then they will be pleasantly surprised when they meet you in person. Don’t trick people into wanting to meet you. Looks aren’t that important, but lying is always a deal breaker.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 1, 2013 · 10:11 am

Getting Sucked Into Your Timeline

I’m on Facebook a lot because I’m a product of my time. I make statuses, I check into places, I post pictures, I share articles, and I get tagged every single day. Every once in a while, I will log on and check out my profile. It’s like looking at your life from an outsider’s perspective. You’ll start looking at what other people have posted on your wall, and you’ll eventually start looking at old pictures. We don’t have actual photo albums anymore. Instead we have Facebook Timeline. It sucks that it’s not tangible, but it’s better in a lot of ways. You’ll stumble upon a picture of you and a group of friends that you never see anymore in a place that you never go to anymore. You’ll feel nostalgic and you can instantly tag them or message them to remind them about the glory days. It tells you when it was posted, so you can reflect on how much shit has changed since it was taken. Then you’ll click on another picture of another group of forgotten friends in another forgotten place. Then you click on another picture, and another bunch of memories come flooding back. Before you know it, three hours have passed and it’s time for bed. Getting sucked into your timeline is like picking up your yearbook from senior year, it’s a trip down memory lane.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 29, 2013 · 8:24 am

Behind on Memes

I have a friend on Facebook who is constantly posting and sharing links, pictures, and videos on his profile. He has the same sense of humor as me, and we share a lot of the same interests, and most of the things that he posts are from websites that I visit regularly. But all the shit that he shares are at least a week old. He is behind on his memes and he doesn’t realize it. It’s new to him, so he assumes it’s new to everyone else. So he will post clips of Charlie biting his brother or a guy freaking out about a double rainbow and act like he’s a fucking trendsetter. Being behind on memes is like being behind on the latest celebrity death… Yeah, it’s sad that James Gandolfini died, but that was a fucking week ago, not four hours ago. The internet has an extremely quick turnover rate. If it’s two days old, I’m already over it. And so is everyone else.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 8, 2013 · 9:44 am

Selfies

I have a friend on Facebook who has a minor obsession with taking selfies. She’s kind of attractive but nobody would call her stunning. But she thinks she’s the shit and she feels compelled to share her beauty with the world on a daily basis. She uploads like 2 or three selfies a day. And every picture is the exact same pose with the exact same smile and she’s always in a bathroom. The only things that change are her outfits and the increasing amount of lines on her face. Looking at her Facebook pictures is like looking at a flipbook that showcases how haggard she’s become. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional selfie, but some chicks go way overboard. Point the camera in the opposite direction. The whole point of photography is to share what you see. Stop looking at yourself and start looking at the world.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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