Tag Archives: menu

June 13, 2017 · 8:37 pm

Ordering “Beer” at a Bar

I bartend at a tourist trap in San Francisco. That means I deal with a lot of people that don’t know how to order drinks. At least twice a shift I will ask a customer what they want to drink, and they will respond with “Beer.” I just shake my head and explain to them that this isn’t Hollywood. This isn’t a movie. You don’t just say “Beer” and get a beer. Do you want bottle or draft? Do you want something imported, domestic, or a local craft brew? Do you want a lager, an ale, a stout, a porter, a wheat beer or an IPA? You have to be more specific. If you want a Budweiser, then order a fucking Budweiser. I don’t have time to hold your hand and walk you through the menu. I’m too busy helping people who actually know what they want to drink. The next motherfucker who asks me for a beer is getting a glass of O’Doul’s and the middle finger. You wanted a beer, you got one. Now fuck off. 

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

October 15, 2015 · 7:34 pm

The Menu

I have a great idea for a trendy new restaurant. It would be called The Menu and it would have an interesting shtick (because every trendy new restaurant should have an interesting shtick). It’s called The Menu because you can only order off the menu. No modifiers, no substitutions, no upsells. The menu is the menu. You can either order something or get the fuck out, it’s as simple as that. I might let you specify the burger or steak temperature, but only if I like you. Don’t even ask about gluten-free options. It’s all gluten. There would be a list of drinks, appetizers, entrées, sides, and desserts. If you don’t see it, you can’t get it. Of course the menu would change from time to time. It’s important to shake things up every once in a while and variety is the spice of life. So come to The Menu, where the menu is the menu.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

menuIcon

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

December 5, 2013 · 10:02 am

Iced Tea With No Ice

I once had a customer order an iced tea with no ice. It was no big deal, but it got me thinking… is it still iced tea if it has no ice in it? At my restaurant we brew iced tea with a machine. We take the teabag, we put it in the filter, we press a button, hot water runs through the teabag, cold water is added to cool it down, and the end result is a big container filled with room temperature tea. Then you serve the tea in a glass filled with ice cubes and garnished with a slice of lemon. But no ice ever makes contact with the tea until it is in the glass. Iced tea literally means tea that has been iced. It’s not iced if you haven’t used any ice. So iced tea with no ice doesn’t really exist and it’s definitely not on our menu.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , , ,

August 31, 2013 · 8:28 pm

Ordering Something and Instantly Changing Your Mind

One of the best ways to piss off your server is to spend fifteen minutes to look over the menu, finally order something, wait until the server rings it in, and then flag someone down to tell them that you changed your mind. You are what is known in the industry as a “difficult guest”. I will never understand how anyone can order something and instantly change their mind. It’s perfectly acceptable if you want to change your fries for a salad, but you can’t change your order entirely. You either want a burger or you don’t. You either want fajitas or you don’t. How fucking indecisive are you? If you ordered the wrong thing, suck it up and accept your failure. There’s no need to stress out your server and undertip because you’re an idiot. Ordering something and instantly changing your mind will bring you bad karma. I can only hope that a bird shits on you when you leave the restaurant.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,