Tag Archives: hold your breath

Holding Your Breath Underwater

Humans are competitive creatures. We are constantly challenging each other in meaningless contests, like holding your breath underwater. I guarantee you that there are two kids staging a breath-holding contest in a pool somewhere right now. They count down from three, take a deep breath, plunge themselves underwater, trying to outlast the other person until somebody caves and breaks the surface to gasp for air. The best way to win this competition is to cheat. Take a deep breath, and pretend to start sliding under the water, but stay above the surface while the other guy goes down. Then you lounge around and enjoy the air in your lungs, while that goober is holding his breath underwater. You’re in the clear as long as his eyes are closed. Then when he starts to rise, you just dip your head underwater for a few seconds, then come up like you’re out of breath and act victorious. He’ll have no reason to suspect that you cheated if you do it right. Holding your breath underwater seems like a useless talent, but it can save your life if you ever experience a gas leak or have to use the bathroom after someone takes a shit.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Random Rants

Holding Your Breath When You Drive Through a Tunnel

Some people are in the habit of holding their breath when they drive through a tunnel. I know this because I am one of them. I’ve done it ever since I was a kid. It’s a custom that’s been passed down for generations. When I asked why, I was told it was an emergency air supply if the tunnel suddenly collapsed. It seemed reasonable at the time so I never questioned it and I’ve been doing it ever since. It’s better to hold your breath when you’re the passenger. You can get lightheaded and that’s not so bueno if you’re driving. Once you’ve made it through the tunnel successfully, you get to make a wish. That’s your reward for surviving the trip. Use it wisely.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Hiccups

There isn’t really anything more annoying and embarrassing than having the hiccups. Hiccups are an awesome example of onamonapia. It sounds like what it is. Hiccups are repeated audible spasms of your diaphragm. It’s your body’s way of making everyone look at you when you don’t want them to. Whenever you get the hiccups, some jerk will inevitably come up to you and say, “Oh, you got the hiccups, huh?” It’s like playing solitaire; some asshole feels the need to interrupt you to point out the obvious.

Everyone has their own secret remedy for getting rid of the hiccups. Your mom would advise you to hold your breath, count to ten, drink water, or drink water upside down with a spoon to your temple. Your dad always tried to scare them out of you. The terrifying thing is that nothing is fool proof and you can get stuck with the hiccups for days, weeks, months and sometimes years. People actually get the hiccups and never get rid of them until the day they day. I think about that every time I get the drunken hiccups and I wanna get rid of them as quickly as possible. Drunken hiccups are even worse than regular hiccups. Not only do you have the fucking hiccups, but everyone thinks you’re an amateur.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Drinks