I had the day off today. It was the middle of the week, I was bored, and I had no plans. I started wrapping coins. It was my big task for the day, my only errand to run. I put on Netflix and I went through my change jar. I would grab a handful of coins and sort them. Quarters over here, dimes here, nickels go there, pennies there, half-dollars and dollar coins go together here, and all imposters (like Canadian coins) go into the reject pile there. After they were sorted I would go through each denomination and count out how many coins were needs to fill the wrap. A wrap for quarters is ten dollars. That’s forty quarters. A wrap for dimes is five dollars. That’s fifty quarters. A wrap for nickels is two dollars. That’s forty nickels. A wrap for pennies is fifty cents. That’s fifty pennies. I didn’t bother counting out the pennies though. That can go to charity if they are willing to wrap them up and haul them to the bank. All in all, my quarters, nickels, and dimes were worth a grand total of $228. Not bad for a year’s worth of loose change and a few hours to sort through it. I could always use extra money. Now I have it and all it cost me was caving into my OCD.
I was hanging out with my friend and we decided to get some food. I drove to a burrito place, found a parking spot on the street, parked there, and asked my friend if I could borrow a quarter for the meter. He gave it to me without any hesitation, which was a huge mistake on his part. I wasn’t really going to borrow the quarter. I had no intention of ever giving him a quarter back. I was just going to put it in the meter and forget all about it. If he raised a fuss, I would tell him that he owed me a dollar for gas. Borrow a quarter is the same thing as give me a quarter. He should know that. And if he didn’t, he does now.
Today is laundry day. I don’t have a washer or a dryer so I have to trek three blocks to the closest Laundromat. Going to the Laundromat requires planning ahead. You have to make sure you grabbed all your dirty clothes, that you have enough quarters, and you can’t forget to bring detergent and dryer sheets. You have to be prepared. And I always am, but I was off my game today. I got to the Laundromat with no problems. I put my clothes in the washer, plunked the right amount of quarters into the slot, pressed the preferred temperature button, and the machine roared to life. I had thirty minutes to kill, so I went across the street to the convenience store to buy a celebratory Red Bull and some snacks. While I was purchasing my items, it suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t put any detergent in. Forgetting to add detergent is like washing your hands without using soap. It looks like productive but it’s not doing anything. Luckily I realized that I was a dumbass within ten minutes, so I went back to the Laundromat and threw in the detergent. The machine didn’t even cut off when I opened the lid, so I didn’t have to add another quarter. At least I didn’t have to pay extra for my stupidity.
Coin snatching is when you snatch a coin or coins off of your elbow. If you’re right handed, put a quarter onto your right elbow and balance it there. Then let your elbow drop and try to grab the quarter out of the air with your right hand. It takes a couple of tries but it’s pretty easy to get the hang of it. Practice with one quarter for a while and you can start moving up to more and more coins. It more impressive if you have more coins, but it’s also more embarrassing when you fail. Coin snatching will never get you any girls, but it’s a good bar trick if you can do it when you’re drunk.
Canadian quarters are quarters from Canada. They look deceptively like a regular American quarter. They are the same size, the same shape, and the same color. But it’s a moose instead of George Washington. George Washington is on the American quarter because he was the first President of the United States, commander-in-chief of the Continental Army, and a founding father. Canada chose a moose because they were discovered by a moose. Canadian quarters are quite useful if you’re in Canada, but they are completely worthless and useless once they cross over the border. I don’t want it if I can’t use it for parking, laundry, or buying a gumball. Keep your quarters Canada; they’re not welcome here.
Losing a quarter is not a big deal. It happens all the time. It will fall out of your pocket, you might accidently drop it on the ground, sometimes you give them away to bums without realizing it. But losing a quarter to a machine is enough to ruin your day. Sometimes you’ll go down to the Laundromat and choose a faulty washer that eats your coins. Then you have to beg for change from the other patrons. Sometimes the parking meter refuses to acknowledge the quarter you just fed it. Sometimes the vending machine will malfunction and refuse to give you a snack. Losing a quarter to a machine means that Skynet is winning, and the future is going to be a bleak one. You are funding Judgment Day each time you lose a quarter to a machine. It starts by stealing quarters and it ends with the mass genocide of mankind. Tread lightly.
Quarters are the best coin. These are ideal for temporary tattoos, magic tricks, scratching off lotto tickets, parking meters and the list goes on and on. It even has its own drinking game named after it.
It has George Washington on it. GEORGE WASHINGTON, the guy who discovered America in 1776 and stole it from the British. He was a full 25% of the Four Fathers, the first President to win a second election, and he carved his own teeth from a cherry tree he chopped down. This is the American Coin of Choice.
I will give away pennies, nickels, dimes, even crumpled dollar bills to bums on the street, but I keep my quarters. Those are for laundry. We should get rid of all coins except for the quarter, half dollar, and dollar coin.
They would get a perfect score but you can’t buy a pack of gum or make a phone call anymore. I know that it’s because of inflation, so maybe they should make quarters worth 35 cents. Problem solved.