Holding Your Breath Underwater

Humans are competitive creatures. We are constantly challenging each other in meaningless contests, like holding your breath underwater. I guarantee you that there are two kids staging a breath-holding contest in a pool somewhere right now. They count down from three, take a deep breath, plunge themselves underwater, trying to outlast the other person until somebody caves and breaks the surface to gasp for air. The best way to win this competition is to cheat. Take a deep breath, and pretend to start sliding under the water, but stay above the surface while the other guy goes down. Then you lounge around and enjoy the air in your lungs, while that goober is holding his breath underwater. You’re in the clear as long as his eyes are closed. Then when he starts to rise, you just dip your head underwater for a few seconds, then come up like you’re out of breath and act victorious. He’ll have no reason to suspect that you cheated if you do it right. Holding your breath underwater seems like a useless talent, but it can save your life if you ever experience a gas leak or have to use the bathroom after someone takes a shit.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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