Tag Archives: sink

Being Ignored by an Automated Sink

Nothing makes you feel as low as being ignored by an automated sink. An automated sink works by sensing the motion of your hands underneath the faucet. It releases a steady stream of water when it detects movement, enough for you to soap up and effectively wash your hands. There’s no way to turn the taps to control the flow of water. You’re at the mercy of the automated system. So being ignored by an automated sink is worst than being shunned. It’s not programmed to ignore you so you should feel terrible when it does. All you can do is walk out of the bathroom with dirty hands and your head held high, then find some hand sanitizer and pretend like it never happened.

            Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

kk-5

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Back Float

Humans are naturally buoyant. Even if you can’t swim, you can still back float. Babies can do it. Grandmas can do it. You can do it. The only person who can’t back float is me. I sink. Don’t get me wrong, I can swim. I can swim pretty damn good too. I’m no Michael Phelps, but I grew up in suburbia with a pool in my backyard and I can hold my own. But I still can’t back float. I can stay afloat for about 5 and a half seconds before my legs start to sink and the rest of my body gets dragged along. I would drown if I was asleep. I just think it’s bullshit that everyone else in the world is capable of doing something that I can’t do. I want to be able to float on my back and drift wherever the current takes me, without a care in the world. Don’t take your back floating abilities for granted.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Turning on the Faucet When You’re Taking a Shit

You ate some bad seafood and it’s not agreeing with your stomach. You run down the hall to the bathroom and make it just before your bowels erupt. You’re a little embarrassed because it’s coming out fast and it’s coming out furious. You turn on the sink to try to drown out the noise. It masks the sound slightly, but turning on the faucet when you’re taking a shit is unnecessary. Everyone already knows that you’re pooping. The sound of running water isn’t fooling anyone and it doesn’t do anything to hide the stench. It just gives you a little piece of mind and makes you less self-conscious about your bowel movements. It also reminds you to wash your hands when you finish.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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