Tag Archives: disney

Beauty and the Beast (2017 Film)

Last night I saw Beauty and the Beast, Disney’s latest live-action remake of one of their classic cartoon masterpieces. It’s good. You would already know that if you’ve seen the cartoon. And if you’ve seen the cartoon, you’ve seen this movie. You know what happens. There aren’t any M. Night Shyamalan twists. They added some backstory and more character details, there are a few new songs, but it’s the same fucking movie.

That’s not a bad thing. The cartoon was the first animated movie to be nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars. I’m sure this version will be nominated for a few awards as well. It’s already a blockbuster success and nobody should be surprised about that. It stars Emma Watson as Belle. Motherfucking Hermione Granger! You know how many Harry Potter fans were already invested once they heard about the casting?!? A lot. Like more than twelve. There are lots of Harry Potter fans. Dozens.

The only bad thing I can say about the movie is that the new songs are terrible. Terrible. Especially the Beast’s solo right before the climax. It totally ruined the mood. And you don’t want to ruin the mood right before you climax. I know that characters express themselves through song in musicals, but geez, enough is enough.

The special effects are top notch. Ewan McGregor’s accent is not. The story takes place in France, yet everyone speaks with a British accent except for one ridiculous French accent. But he can sing so he gets a pass. 

It’s a good movie. It’s worth paying money to see in the theatres. You might even splurge to see it in 3D. Not many movies are worth paying money for these days. This one is.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pluto

Pluto is cursed. There has never been a good Pluto. Once upon a time, there used to be a planet named Pluto, but then it got demoted. Now it’s just another asteroid. Then there’s the Disney dog.  You might recall that here are two main dogs in the Disney Universe. One of them was Goofy, a talking dog who is also best friends with Mickey Mouse. And the other one is Pluto, just a dumb dog who can’t talk and was enslaved by Mickey Mouse. Disney’s Pluto is so fucking dumb that a talking mouse keeps him as a pet. Eddie Murphy has been in a lot of bad movies, but his worst one has got to be The Adventures of Pluto Nash and that’s saying something because he has made a lot of terrible, terrible films. And I mean terrible. The name Pluto comes from Greek mythology. Pluto was the god of the underworld, but most people today remember the other Greek name for the god of the underworld: Hades. Anyone who’s ever read an ancient poem in English class, or listened to the lyrics of a good hip hop song knows that Hades is the undisputed ruler of the underworld. Pluto is a joke. Nothing good can come from naming something after Pluto. From now on we are all boycotting Pluto. No more Pluto.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Lone Ranger (film)

The Lone Ranger is a 2013 Disney movie about a masked vigilante and his Indian friend. The Lone Ranger is a classic character appearing in radio serials, comic books, and TV shows. Disney brings him back to the big screen for the first time in 32 years. But this is 2013, and nobody bothered to tell them that nobody cares about such an outdated character. This movie just came out and the studio is already admitting that it’s a box office bomb. I don’t know how they finally realized that it sucks. I could tell from the trailer that it was going to suck. The sad thing is that hundreds of people wasted years of their lives working on this film and not one of them realized that it was simply a terrible, terrible idea. I don’t even know anybody who saw it. I didn’t even see it. I just know that I don’t like it.

Armie Hammer “stars” as the Lone Ranger, but he doesn’t even get top billing. He doesn’t even get his own poster. Instead the studio advertised the film as The Lone Ranger staring Johnny Depp as the Lone Ranger’s Indian friend. I can’t believe that major Hollywood studios are still making movies with white actors playing minorities in 2013. It’s pretty racist and it’s pretty insulting to the audience. Johnny Depp is again reunited with Gore Verbinski, the director of Pirates of the Caribbean 1-3 and Rango. Does Tim Burton know that Johnny Depp is cheating on him? And making inferior movies?

So it’s not really fair for me to write a review about a movie that I didn’t see and probably will never see, but I had to write about something. If you liked this movie, I’d be shocked. Not because of your awful taste in movies, but because you actually paid money to watch it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Lion King

The Lion King is one of the best animated films of all time. It is Disney’s best Pixar-less movie. It’s about a lion named Simba, and Simba is in line to be the king of the Pride Lands. Instead his uncle murders his father and takes over the throne. Simba must avenge his father and assume the throne, but first he runs away to live with a warthog and a meerkat and eat bugs.

The story starts with Mufasa and Sarabi celebrating the birth of their baby by having a monkey dangle him from a high rock over hundreds of wild animals. The baby is Simba, and one day he will be the Lion King, but for now he’s just a curious cub. He spends his days frolicking with and getting beat up by his friend Nala. His uncle is evil and wants to be king. His name is Scar and he has a scar. The writers either ran out of African names to use or just got really lazy. Either way, Scar keeps trying to kill Simba and/or Mufasa (whichever comes first). One day, after Simba and Nala barely escape Scar’s hyena henchmen, Mufasa tells him about the circle of life, how one day he will die and Simba will become king, and a bunch of other life lessons.

Scar eventually succeeds in killing Mufasa, and he makes Simba think that it was his fault. Simba decides to run away instead of dealing with his problems. Simba almost dies but he gets saved by Timon and Pumba. Timon is a sarcastic meerkat and Pumba is a stupid, smelly warthog. They decide to take in Simba and they teach him about Hakuna Matata and how to live a carefree life.

Simba grows up with them, but he can’t forget his past. One day, his old pal Nala shows up on their turf looking for food. Simba and Nala are ecstatic to see each other again and sparks fly. Nala is surprised to learn that Simba is still alive, and Simba is surprised to learn that Scar has taken over the throne and the kingdom is suffering. Nala tells Simba to get his shit together and claim the crown that’s rightfully his. Simba still thinks that he killed his dad and doesn’t want to go back and deal with his inner demons.

But then he talks to a monkey and a cloud that looks and sounds like his dead dad and he decides to go back. Timon and Pumba decide they have to help their friend and they hitch a ride back with Nala.

Simba confronts Scar and finds out the truth about Scar killing his dad and Simba learns it wasn’t his fault. Stuff happens and Simba emerges victorious and becomes the Lion King. And then he and Nala have a baby lion and the circle of life goes on.

If you haven’t seen The Lion King in a while, it’s worth revisiting. The plot is clichéd and tired and not at all unique. But it’s the characters and the dialog and the songs that make this a classic. The opening sequence sucks you in, and you know that you’re going to experience something special in this film. There are a lot of animal puns hidden in the dialog and song lyrics. Tim Rice and Elton John’s songs are great and enhance the movie, along with Hans Zimmer’s score.

The voice cast is pretty impressive. Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Matthew Broderick play young and old Simba. James Earl Jones plays Mufasa, Rowan Atkinson (A.K.A. Mr. Bean) plays Zazu, Jeremy Irons plays Scar, Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella play Timon and Pumba, and Cheech Marin and Whoopi Goldberg play hyenas. They originally wanted Tommy Chong to play one of the hyenas. Cheech and Chong in a Disney movie? There would have been way more jokes about the grasslands, that’s for sure. We missed out.

This is an awesome movie and it’s like a time machine that takes you back to when you used to watch it as a kid. You remember where you watched it, who you watched it with, you remember singing those damn songs, and trying not to cry when Mufasa dies.

This movie doesn’t have a great story. But it has great moments. It has great music. It has a great cast. It has great visuals. When you add those attributes up, it makes The Lion King better than what it should be. It’s now one of those movies that you have to see. If you haven’t seen The Lion King people look at you funny. No childhood is complete without seeing this movie. If you haven’t seen it by this point, you are probably going out of your way to avoid it, and that’s sad because you deserve a childhood.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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