Tag Archives: tip

Tip Before You Eat

I think it’s time that we sit together as a society and rethink our tipping procedure. There are a lot of douchebags that take advantage of the current tipping procedure. They will complain about drinks and food in an attempt to get free things. They will change their order ten minutes after the server rang it in. They will rack up a three hundred dollar bill and stiff the server on the tip. The server shouldn’t have to deal with that. I think that we should tip before we eat. It makes perfect sense. Your server/bartender should know if you’re a cheap asshole before they go out of their way to help you. If you tip well, then you would get better service. If you don’t tip well, then you get the service that you deserve. You get what you pay for in a perfect world. I don’t care how nice a table is, they don’t deserve good service if they don’t tip well. I don’t care how miserable a table is, they don’t deserve bad service if they tip well. The problem is that servers don’t know who is cheap and who is a decent human being until the table settles the bill or runs away. You should tip before you eat and get the service that you deserve. If you pledge 18% to your server beforehand, he/she will be more willing to help you out. And if food comes out wrong or your server fucks up, the bill will be discounted, but the server would still make 18%. Everyone wins.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Five-Dollar Handshake

The five-dollar handshake is a server’s worst nightmare. You’ll be waiting a table, and everything seems to be going smoothly. The table ordered drinks, appetizers, a couple of entrees, and everything came out on time and tasted great. But then everything changes when you drop the check. The head honcho at the table glances at the bill, opens his wallet, pulls out some cash and places it inside. Then he gets up from the table to hand it to you personally, asks for your name while he shakes your hand, then tells you that you did a great job and to keep the change. You thank him profusely and walk back to the kitchen. But when you go to close the check you realize that he only tipped you five bucks on a $150 check. Congratulations, you were just a victim of the five-dollar handshake. You should expect a five-dollar tip anytime a customer shakes your hand, looks you in the eyes and tells you that you did a great job. I don’t know if the practitioners of the five-dollar handshake are just cheap or ignorant, but they should be weary of getting hit by the karma bus.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Paying with Change

It’s a know fact that four quarters equal a dollar. But there is a huge difference between leaving a server a dollar bill versus leaving four quarters. You should never tip or pay for a bill with pocket change. I don’t care if you’re a tourist and if today is your last day in the States and you just want to get rid of all your spare coins… It’s insulting to leave a handful of change as payment. If you don’t want those coins, what makes you think that somebody else would appreciate it? There are a million other things you can do rather than offend a server and show how cheap you are. You can give it to a homeless guy, you can make wishes at a fountain, you can flatten them at the railroad tracks. Paying with change is a great way to tell other people how stingy you are.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Not Tipping

It takes a special kind of scum to practice not tipping. You should always tip your server 15%-20%, even if the kitchen fucked up on your burger. It’s not the server’s fault that the kitchen fucked up. The server has to tip out the bartenders, bussers, the food runner, and sometimes the hosts and expo depending on the restaurant. The server can actually lose money if you don’t tip. Don’t go to a fucking sit-down restaurant if you don’t want to tip, it’s as simple as that. Go to McDonald’s if you want to be cheap. Serving is a hard job. It’s something that everybody should try at least once so you can experience how much bullshit a server has to deal with on a shift. Some customers come in with a chip on their shoulder and run you ragged. They suck their soda down faster than you can refill it. They order water and then specify they didn’t want ice when you bring it to the table. They customize an entrée and make it a whole new dish that takes fifteen minutes to ring in and explain to the cooks. They flag you down when you’re helping another table. They’ll ask for ranch then ask for mayo when you drop off the ranch and ask for more hot sauce when you drop off the mayo. And they end their evening by leaving exact change and no tip. Miserable people like to spread their misery to other people. It’s the only thing that makes them feel alive. There’s an old adage that goes something like, “If you want to see a person’s true character, see how they treat the waiter.” Most people are decent, hardworking, polite, respectful… but holy shit, there are some fucking assholes out there. They are the ones who don’t tip and never call their mothers.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Aglets

Aglets are everywhere. There are hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions all around you right now. There are dozens in and around your home. You probably even have some on you right now. Don’t worry, I’m just building up suspense. Aglets are the plastic or metal tips on the ends of your shoelaces. They are practical: they keep the shoelace from unraveling, they make it easier to lace up your shoes, and you can use it to pack down the weed in a joint. That’s some MacGyver-style ingenuity right there. Aglets are everywhere, yet nobody mentions them. I’m going to start complimenting strangers for fashionable aglets. They’ve been underappreciated for way too long.

Critically Rated 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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