Tag Archives: bathroom

Flush-Resistant Dookie

I was at my friend’s house a few years ago and had to take a shit. I went to his bathroom and pooped and I pooped good. It was a pretty substantial dump. I admired it briefly and then flushed it down. I washed my hands, dried them off, and started to open the door when I noticed a small turd still in the toilet bowl. Normally I would just leave a little nugget like that but I respected my friend too much to do that to him. I flushed the toilet again. It somehow managed to survive another rough ride around the bowl. It didn’t want to go. I had to flush the toilet a third time. No dice. The fourth flush didn’t do anything either. On the fifth fucking flush it finally disappeared. I felt a little bad. He was a tough little fucker. I’ve encountered other flush-resistant dookie since, but nothing on that level. I still think about him every now and then, or whenever I see a Tootsie Roll. I hope he’s still out there somewhere. I wish him the best.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Automatic Toilets

A lot of public restrooms are using automatic toilets these days. Those are toilets that uses sensors to flush automatically. They are supposedly more hygienic because you don’t have to use your hands, but it’s still a public toilet. It’s going to be disgusting no matter what. I don’t like automatic toilets. I don’t trust them. Sometimes they flush too early before I throw in my used toilet paper. Sometimes they don’t flush at all and my shit is on display for the lucky next person who ventures into the stall. They let me down each time I’m forced to use one. I can flush just fine by myself. I don’t need technology to do it for me. 

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Buying Toilet Paper

I don’t like buying toilet paper. It’s kind of embarrassing. It’s a little degrading. I don’t know why. It shouldn’t be. Everyone buys it because everyone poops. You still don’t want people to see you buying it. Especially when you buy it in bulk. It’s declaring to the world that you’re planning on taking shits, lots and lots of shits. I’m a single guy too so I have to be careful. I could bump into the woman of my dreams at the checkout counter while I’m buying T.P. and I wouldn’t be able to make a move. She would obviously look at the things that I’m buying to get a sense of my personality. Naturally the toilet paper would stand out. She would know that I’m planning on taking shits, lots and lots of shits. I don’t have enough game to withstand that much scrutiny. But I have to buy toilet paper. It’s my duty. Please tell me you caught that pun. Duty. Doodie. Never mind. Sorry. I’ll go now.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Crack in the Stall Door

I’m not a fan of pooping in public. I prefer the privacy and comfort of my own bathroom. Public restrooms are always dirty and gross, and there’s always an overly excessive crack in the stall door. You can see people and they can see you. It’s a uncomfortable feeling knowing that you’re being watched as you’re shitting, even if they only catch a glimpse of you. I don’t know why there are still cracks in stall doors. It’s 2014, you’d think that we would have solved this problem by now. It can’t be that hard to create a door that actually seals shut. Most doors can close all the way. But the public bathroom architects don’t care and continue to incorporate a gap into their plans for some reason. I think it’s because they are the ones watching you through the crack.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Leaving the Toilet Seat Up

Girls are always complaining about guys leaving the toilet seat up. Leaving the toilet seat up is a tradition that’s not going anywhere. It’s not like we are doing it out of spite (well, sometimes we do), it just stays up because we piss a lot and we are lazy. You’re lucky if we even remember to flush. I sometimes feel sorry for the girls that end up falling into the toilet, but they should have paid attention. Guys need to sit down when they shit, but we don’t fall in because we check the status of the seat before we sit down. It’s common sense. Look before you leap and look before you squat. Girls complain that leaving the seat up is inconsiderate. They never stopped to consider that leaving the seat down is inconsiderate to guys. I’m not sorry about leaving the toilet seat up. I leave the seat up, and I leave it up proudly. It’s also proof that I didn’t pee on the seat in the bathroom at work.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Using a Toilet Seat Cover after Swimming

I made a mistake the other day. I was swimming at a hotel pool when the McDonald’s I had for lunch came back to haunt me. I had to take a shit and I had to take one immediately. I jumped out of the pool and made my way to the bathroom, and luckily the stall was unoccupied. I went inside and locked the door, put a toilet seat cover down for protection, dropped my swim trunks and proceeded to empty my bowels. I realized that I had a problem a few minutes into my poop: I was soaking wet and the piece of paper I was sitting on was now adhered to my backside. After I finished taking the Browns to the Super Bowl and wiping, I had to slowly peel the toilet seat cover off my skin, but it wasn’t easy. I had to scrub it and rub it to get it off, and I had to do it quietly to avoid attracting attention from the other people in the bathroom. That’s not something that you want to explain to strangers. Being hygienic is cool and all, but using a toilet seat cover after swimming is not something I would recommend.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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At Least Pretend to Wash Your Hands

I was using the urinal in the men’s room the other day when I heard a toilet flush, and I saw a guy come out of the stall adjusting his belt. He had clearly just taken a shit. He walked over to the bathroom mirror, checked his hair, and walked out of the bathroom without washing his hands. My mind was blown. You should always wash your hands after you use a public bathroom. Especially if there are other people in the bathroom. At least pretend to wash your hands. You want other people to think that you are normal, right? Normal people don’t walk around with poopy hands, and even if they did, they wouldn’t advertise it. You’re supposed to wash your hands, or at the very least have other people think that you did. That’s how the world works.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Using the Toilet at Work

Using the toilet at work is always a bit of a conundrum. Each workplace has an unwritten code for its usage. Most of the rules are similar: don’t hog the bathroom for more than five minutes, try to avoid taking a shit if you can, and never pee on the seat (or wipe it off if you do). I work at a restaurant and we have a public restroom for men, a public restroom for women, and a bathroom by the break room for the staff. We essentially have one toilet for over fifty employees at any given point. It’s constantly in use. There’s almost always a line. Sometimes I’ll use the bathroom just because it’s unoccupied. I won’t even have to go, but I can’t pass up the opportunity. I’ll use it just because I can. Carpe Pee-um and all that. The most important thing about using the toilet at work is remembering to wash your hands before you go back to work. Especially if your boss is watching.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bidet

I used to live in Los Angeles and rented out a house that had a bidet. That was my first experience with a bidet outside of that memorable scene in Crocodile Dundee. In fact, it was only because of that movie that I even knew what a bidet was and what it was used for (“for washing your backside”). So I had a bidet in my bathroom. I had to try it and I did. I tried it a few times. I didn’t like it. It wasn’t for me. I prefer toilet paper. I would rather wipe my ass than hose it down. Bidets are classy, but they are also intimidating, especially if you have no clue how to use them. Most Americans don’t know which way to face, or if they should take their pants off to avoid splashes, or if they can pee in it. And you’re wet afterward so you still need to wipe and that kind of defeats the purpose. Whatever. To each his own.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Walking in on Someone in the Bathroom

Walking in on someone in the bathroom is inevitable. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will. You are eventually going to walk in on someone in the bathroom, and you will see things that you never wanted to see. Walking in on someone using the bathroom always happens the same way. Nature calls, you get up to respond, you go to the bathroom, you open the door, and you’re shocked to see somebody’s already on the pot. For some reason you both say sorry at the exact same time, and then you close the door and back away, desperately trying to erase that image from your head. It’s hard to say who is more embarrassed in this situation. Would you rather catch a glimpse of someone else’s bowel movement or have someone else see your pooping technique? It’s an easily avoided situation if the pooper would only lock the fucking door.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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New Toilet

I came home from work yesterday and noticed that something was different in my apartment. All the lights were off and my roommate’s door was wide open but there was no sign of him. And there was a new toilet in the bathroom and the old one was missing. I’m guessing that my landlord came in while my roommates and I were all out of the house and randomly changed the toilet that we’ve been bitching about for over a year. The old toilet had a cracked lid and the tank was constantly running. I thought that they were supposed to give us notice 24 hours in advance before entering our apartment, but I’m not going to complain about a toilet upgrade. Now I’m shitting in style, perched up on a shiny new throne. I’m going to be busy eating tons of Taco Bell and fiber the next few days… I gotta break this bad boy in.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Early Morning Bathroom Battle

I live with a few roommates and we only have one bathroom. That means I get to experience the early morning bathroom battle a few times a week. That’s when you get up around the same time as someone else and you fight each other for the bathroom. Most people can’t function until they get through their morning routine, so there’s a lot more tension and less etiquette involved when dealing with sleep-deprived creatures fighting for the same space. You always feel like you are more deserving of the bathroom, that you’re more important. You’ll try to justify that your hygienic needs are more vital than his. It’s essential that you take a shower and you take one now. Your roomie can always brush his teeth in the kitchen or resort to pissing in a bottle… he just wants the bathroom, he doesn’t need it. There’s no better way to start the day than by arguing over who gets to use the shitter first. The early morning bathroom battle can turn violent, but it’s mostly a lot of name-calling and pounding on the door and telling them to hurry the fuck up.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Waiting for the Bathroom at the Bar

You drink at a bar. That’s what you do. And drinking makes you have to pee. Eventually you’ll end up waiting for the bathroom at the bar. You have to wait in a single file line with other drunk patrons, alternating between random drunken conversations with strangers and checking your phone for texts and Facebook notifications. You’ll bitch and sigh and shuffle your feet while the line slowly creeps along. Finally you get your chance to drain your bladder and check your reflection, then you wash your hands and grab another drink. Fifteen minutes later you’ll be in line for the bathroom again. It seems like half your time at the bar is spent trying to order another drink or waiting in line to pee. As long as you’re drunk, who cares?

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Turning on the Faucet When You’re Taking a Shit

You ate some bad seafood and it’s not agreeing with your stomach. You run down the hall to the bathroom and make it just before your bowels erupt. You’re a little embarrassed because it’s coming out fast and it’s coming out furious. You turn on the sink to try to drown out the noise. It masks the sound slightly, but turning on the faucet when you’re taking a shit is unnecessary. Everyone already knows that you’re pooping. The sound of running water isn’t fooling anyone and it doesn’t do anything to hide the stench. It just gives you a little piece of mind and makes you less self-conscious about your bowel movements. It also reminds you to wash your hands when you finish.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Using the Bathroom After Someone Takes a Shit

You drank a little bit too much water earlier and your bladder is demanding your attention, so you run down the hall to the bathroom but the door is locked. Now you have wait and as you’re doing your don’t-pee dance you start to realize that whoever is in the bathroom has been in there too long for it to be number one. You know you’re fucked when the door finally opens and the culprit shuffles out and makes eye contact with a sheepish grin. As soon as you go in, the stench wraps around you like a moldy blanket. You try to hold your breath and using your shirt as a filter, but nothing helps. Damn it, why are bathrooms so small? I know that people take shits in bathrooms, that’s why we have them. Using the bathroom after someone takes a shit is like farting in a bag and holding it over your head. You just can’t escape the stink.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Breaking the Seal

Be careful about breaking the seal and plan accordingly. One of the biggest mistakes you can make while drinking is breaking the seal too early. It’s all over once you give in to your bladder and take that first drunken pee. Breaking the seal means that every other beer results in a trip to the bathroom. That could lead to disaster when everyone on your team is relying on you to flip that cup or pong that beer and you’re too busy worry about pissing your pants.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Using the Bathroom After a Girl Takes a Shit

People eat food and as a result they defecate. Guys embrace toilet humor, girls avoid it. Guys are expected to leave the seat up and miss the toilet. We are supposed to fart and take long leisurely shits. Girls are don’t have that privilege, it’s scandalous when they fart in public. I know that they have to shit; I just don’t want to hear about it. Using the bathroom after a girl takes a shit is a terribly dehumanizing experience. Girls are supposed to be flowers and sunshine. Dealing with the aftermath of their explosive poops will make you realize there’s no such thing as perfection. And that stinks (in more ways than one).

Critically Rated at 5/17

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