Tag Archives: order

The Menu

I have a great idea for a trendy new restaurant. It would be called The Menu and it would have an interesting shtick (because every trendy new restaurant should have an interesting shtick). It’s called The Menu because you can only order off the menu. No modifiers, no substitutions, no upsells. The menu is the menu. You can either order something or get the fuck out, it’s as simple as that. I might let you specify the burger or steak temperature, but only if I like you. Don’t even ask about gluten-free options. It’s all gluten. There would be a list of drinks, appetizers, entrées, sides, and desserts. If you don’t see it, you can’t get it. Of course the menu would change from time to time. It’s important to shake things up every once in a while and variety is the spice of life. So come to The Menu, where the menu is the menu.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Snacks

Bar Ordering Showdown

You’re hanging out with some friends at the bar and it’s time to order another drink. You leave your table in the corner and approach the bartender at the same time as someone else. The two of you are now competing for the bartender’s attention and only one person can win the bar ordering showdown. Who will be served first? This is when it pays to be a regular, but not everybody has that luxury. The best way to win the showdown is to have a twenty in your hand and a look of determination. Make eye contact but don’t stare. And always know what you want. If you’re in a new bar or one that you don’t frequent often, it helps to pay as you go and tip out well on each drink. Overtip on the first round and the bartender will definitely remember you. You can’t win every showdown so don’t take it personally when you lose. The bartender won’t ignore you forever. Eventually you’ll get a drink and that’s all that matters.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Drinks

Ordering Something and Instantly Changing Your Mind

One of the best ways to piss off your server is to spend fifteen minutes to look over the menu, finally order something, wait until the server rings it in, and then flag someone down to tell them that you changed your mind. You are what is known in the industry as a “difficult guest”. I will never understand how anyone can order something and instantly change their mind. It’s perfectly acceptable if you want to change your fries for a salad, but you can’t change your order entirely. You either want a burger or you don’t. You either want fajitas or you don’t. How fucking indecisive are you? If you ordered the wrong thing, suck it up and accept your failure. There’s no need to stress out your server and undertip because you’re an idiot. Ordering something and instantly changing your mind will bring you bad karma. I can only hope that a bird shits on you when you leave the restaurant.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Random Rants